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User Topic: False Reconcilation Thread
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever it was, it was extremely cruel. It gave me hope when there really wasn't any there.

I think that's about the best way I've heard it put yet.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's important for people to realize that almost always there is a second dday.
In the majority of stories I've seen come and go on this site since I have been here at it's beginning there have been second ddays.
Some, as we have seen on this thread, have even more than that.

Sometimes there are happy endings that come out of this (like me! ) and sometimes it's the last straw.

You never know what you are going to do until you are put into that position.

With me, there is no way I would have reconciled after dday 2 if my H hadn't been completely remorseful and totally out of the fog that day.
That really was the beginning of our real reconciliation.
But I also let him know that we were started back at step one...no, even before step one because I trusted him even less that I did after dday one.

He worked so hard to prove himself to me.
We have reaped the benefits of the hard work that both of us have done.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
Jasmine
♀ Member
Member # 16946
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had four d-days and am in R.

FWS didnt see OW while in R, "I dont have anything to do with her/I dont see her/ I dont talk to her"

but the whole time the OW would follow me and fish for my FWS and he would do nothing about it.

Last summer, he went to a bar where she was so it was and then he did it again in the fall... a dealbreaker and I left and got another place (I have moved many times since the affair was discovered) so I leave and that means = he goes back there.

Not only that, but tells the OW, my fucking worst enemy, about vicious email from MIL and that the car he bought me was his (and he kept it from me too claiming repairs)

...and

he told her that (again) he didnt want to lose his kids and he sacrificed also called me a mental case, ugly, blah blah.

We have been in R again for two months. OW has gone mental and wrote me about what a piece of shit she is.

FWS wrote the NC letter but it didnt say it was over and he didnt say he didnt love her. He said he loved me and his kids.

Sidenote about WS's: I was talking to a friend and her boyfriend mentioned that men have a period where they dont care (during a fight) but after a month or two they come around and start persuing again, which is what FWS did.

I didnt beg him back. I wasnt even going to tell him where I lived. My ten year old blabbed under pressure, lots of Christmasy like feelings and now we're back in R.

I dont want a d-day number five.

It sould also be mentioned that I hate OW, but she should have enough to occupy herself for the time being, since her adult daughter and her DD's three illigitimate kids and baby daddy #3 moved back in with the OW.

I guess, according to the court access website, DD & baby daddy lost their place, the bank is taking DD to small claims for bad checks and DD's car also got re'poed.


The trick you said, was never play the game too long...

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Nov 2007
DMS88
♀ Member
Member # 13461
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I say I have had two D-Days, but I think I have had about 6 in reality.

I didn't count the multiple times I caught him breaking NC the first month. I figure he was deep in the fog and going through withdraws. I guess I didn't see them as D-Days because I never believed the affair was over.

After 10 months I thought it was finally over... only to find out from the OW that it wasn't.

But I found out from her because he finally did END it.

So I was so torn. I wanted to reconcile, but my gut was telling me in the last ten months that I shouldn't trust him. Now my gut is telling me he was telling the truth.

It is hard to believe your husband is cheating on you when the OW is writing abusive letters and emails saying he is an A-hole.

Let me tell you 2007 was one of the worst years of my life.


Me: 47 years old
Husband: 46 years old
Married: 22 years, together 25
Two children, 7 & 8
Discovered the affair: 4 Jan '07. It started in March '06.
Second D-Day 9 October 2007 (same woman).
Reconciling--hopefully not a false R

Posts: 1518 | Registered: Jan 2007
HeartOfGlass
♀ Member
Member # 17626
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The several false R's I've been bs'd into for the past 6 months have been MORE painful than dday1 ever was.

I just wish they would freaking OUT with it already. Stop fencesitting/cakeeating & tearing our guts out even more. Mine has done this MANY times. The last he actually said, after I learned from the OWH no less via email- that he'd been lying to me for months, and the affair had gone physical AND she was D'ing her husband to be with MY WH... "Well, I mean your the one asking to keep trying.."

WTF?! This man should be on his KNEES begging for a shot, not saying I'm to beg. *sigh* That is what is so sick & twisted about ALL this crap. How the BS is often made to feel less, inferior, worthless, a "choice" instead of a priority. It is absolutely horridly cruel. I know from experience. Right now there isn't even an R being discussed.. in a way it's a relief for no more false hope. In another way, it tears my guts out


BSO (me) 32 WSO (him) 27
4 Ddays False R #3 (final) Jan 1/07
Engaged/togthr 7 yrs. MOW D'ing BH for my WSO. I'm movin' on & glad of it!

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Midwest
annben
♀ Member
Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. Let me ask this, to those that have successfully reconciled, or are still trying to . ('Cause me, I am DONE.)


If you had a friend or a sister, or anyone you loved, who was going through this, I mean NUMEROUS bullshit reconciliations, where WS was just obviously (well obvious to most except the BS, who wants to believe their WS) playing some kind of game, when would you give the advice to move on?

I was hearing it here DAILY at SI, yet I wouldn't listen. I'd have saved myself so much humiliation. So much self-loathing.


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
drowninginsorrow
♀ Member
Member # 4545
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i had a really great friend annben... she might have a lot to do with why i am where i am today... know why? she never advised me to do anything... she was just "there" ... she was an open phone connection in the wee hours of the morning ... even if i didn't want to talk... just so i felt connected... she was honest... really honest about possible scenarios...(having been FOW she knew some of the lines and lies and things that i might have missed) she sent an email to people in my email contacts... friends who knew.. and family... urging them to be supportive but NOT advise me what to do or pass judgement on my decisions....

that is what i needed... i felt loved by her and her H... supported and loved and comforted and held... but never told what to do... i felt confident in my decisions because she had confidence in me....

so what would i advise anyone? nothing...i couldn't take responsibility for trying to sway someone elses life in that huge of a way... we are talking huge life altering decisions.... life long implications...that is so not my place...

i couldn't possibly advise someone on what infidelity is unforgiveable or how many ddays are unacceptable or how long a false R is a deal breaker...


my friend... she took me to a lawyer... her husband changed the locks on the house... she screened my calls and her and her H stayed with me in the house the night mr D left with his things....

and she hugged him and cried and said it would be hard because she'd been there... but she had faith in him and would do everything she could to support him also when he came home...

i know in my heart it was very very hard for her... because she loves me dearly... and my kids ... and mrD.... i know it pained her to NOT advise me... but her gift to me in doing everything she did... was that i and only i made my choices... and never had any doubt or feeling that maybe i was influenced or coerced into doing something that wasn't my own choice

god deliver any of my friends or daughters from this situation...but should it happen... i would hope i could be as strong and wise as she was...

the false R's (moving in... and out... in... and out...) boy i'm sure her advice had she felt it was her place... would have been to cut my losses... and i was scared and may very well have listened... being told what to do would have been a relief at one point.... god bless her for being so wise


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
annben
♀ Member
Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, DIS


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
Jasmine
♀ Member
Member # 16946
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have zero suppport system here at home. Nor does FWS talk about it, he just mouths my words back at me.

I no longer believe in love, or that he loves me, cause he went right back there knowing how much it would devistate me. He wanted to hurt me. Im married to a very angry little boy.

Something happened to me, I detached from him as he stood there telling me off as I was leaving him. He didnt say he loved me> he put me down. He had a choice of words and he chose to tell me how bad I was to justify.

Then he went back to OW and made our R look like a sacrifice he had to make for his kids. That OW would always be in his heart.

There is nothing to show that he told her it was over. When I see that, maybe my beliefs would change.

After waiting four years for the NC letter, his NC letter was fucked up, not even sure it was even mailed to her, but hes the one who had to write it. I couldnt write it for him.

I asked him to make a copy for me. It wasnt addressed "Dear OW", nor was it signed. It didnt say it was over and it didnt say he didnt love her. Then my copy "disappeared" go figure.

Im headed for another false R - d-day cause nothings changed. SSDD.


The trick you said, was never play the game too long...

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Nov 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering what kinds of "promises" were made in the False R?

WH made a ton of them. It was related to what I wanted to hear, but not what he actually intended on doing.

And, I believed him (because I really, really WANTED TO R).

Anyone else?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
drowninginsorrow
♀ Member
Member # 4545
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this possibly bizarre... but i got a lot of "i'm sorry"s when it was false R... "i'm sorry" was very very long time coming in true R....

i believe it has something to do with being very easy to say what someone thinks they should to shut someone up or pass something off... as opposed to really feeling remorseful and meaning it....and actually saying sorry when you are feeling sorry


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
annben
♀ Member
Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Promises?

"I won't fuck anyone else."

"You know every detail. There are no more suprises, I swear."

"I will call you if I'll be more than 5 minutes late."


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
Jasmine
♀ Member
Member # 16946
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about "its over"

wash. lather. rinse. repeat.


The trick you said, was never play the game too long...

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Nov 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got:

'It was nothing...you are crazy to think I'm not being sincere...she was just a whore who didn't mean anything to me because I love you, and only you...why can't you let bygones be bygones?...I'll never do it again, promise...I just have this *lust problem* is all...I was just making conversation...I didn't really DO anything...she doesn't mean a thing to me and I'll go to therapy if YOU really want me to...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...'


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
HeartOfGlass
♀ Member
Member # 17626
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dday1 when he had to see my face/eyes and the devastation just discovering the E/A had caused- he was literally crying on his knees begging forgiveness. Swearing MC and IC. When IC suggested we separate to diff states, he begged me not to go but we did it because we thought we were saving "us". For the next few weeks, he was as loving & remorseful as you'd expect long distance. Then suddenly.. he needed "alone time" and he needed "space" and the calls, emails, chats, stopped abruptly. I found out later he had resumed the E/A with the MOW & took it P/A no less. She began divorce papers on her husband, who was also blindsided and devastated like me- and that's when OWH told me the "news". So from Aug-Nov all false R. Then, after discovering P/A decided to try second R with strict NC and heavy IC for him there too. He agreed. NC seemed to be intact, hard to tell considering all this internet BS to begin with, but the OWH even said he was pretty sure it was done too for my WS & OW.

Then, just prior to CHristmas he cancelled a drive here with my things, the cat- etc- and FINALLY the first face-to-face for us since August. I felt and my IC felt, this could make HUGE progress for R. He agreed to see IC with me while here. Well, he cancelled as I said right before xmas. I was crushed. He then told me again that he "didn't love me anymore" (which started right at the time of the P/A of course) and didnt think things could ever work out... another false R.

Finally, in January I was desperate enough to have closure or R one or the other. I planned to fly him & my cat here for short weekend trip to prob closure, if not- see IC and try R again. Yet he did not "love" me still. I was not happy enough with that. I talked to OWH again & this time got some SERIOUSLY shitty news that invalidated every single R from beginning because affair began (E/A) LONG before I knew and he was already promising to leave me and MARRY HER mind you (married as she already was and him engaged) etc. HORRIBLY Painful proof, but I had to know before I spent a fortune since he said he couldn't afford it. I got my info alright. So altogether how many false R's? Lies? Broken Promises? TEN times worse than ddays imo. At this point we no longer discuss R- though I feel he quit before he ever even TRIED and I blame half of that on that married whore. He is the third man she has homewrecked so far. The other two married men had several kids too... real gem there.


BSO (me) 32 WSO (him) 27
4 Ddays False R #3 (final) Jan 1/07
Engaged/togthr 7 yrs. MOW D'ing BH for my WSO. I'm movin' on & glad of it!

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Midwest
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is NOT a vent thread about the OW or OM.
Please keep that in mind and post accordingly.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
HeartOfGlass
♀ Member
Member # 17626
Shocked  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry.. I didn't realize. I just read about not turning it into a "leave their ass" thread & should've read more thoroughly I guess.

It IS hard to exclude the OP's role in false R's because though our WS may be 90% responsible, the OP can also be VERY manipulative, down right stalking behavior etc- and that plays it's own role. Anyway, didn't mean to make waves.


BSO (me) 32 WSO (him) 27
4 Ddays False R #3 (final) Jan 1/07
Engaged/togthr 7 yrs. MOW D'ing BH for my WSO. I'm movin' on & glad of it!

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Midwest
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That post was not intended towards anyone here in specific but rather a general reminder.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help me, because I'm quite confused here.

I don't expect to ever R with my WH.

Yet, I have been through *numerous* False R's with him.

Do I keep posting here?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
annben
♀ Member
Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too?


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


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