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User Topic: False Reconcilation Thread
♀ New Member
Member # 17385
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, October 9th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

False Resi.... That is me..
If I had the money I would be gone. If I did not have kids I would be gone. I don't make enough to support my self let alone all the kids. False Resi is a dark place but for now it is where I must reside. I won't move in with my parents. Thier health is not good and they can't afford the strain. I do not make enough to support myself let alone all the kids. I fear having to "share" the kids. To not be there every night with my kids. It just kills me and I know my WH knows it and depends on it. Right now his greatest fear is me finding someone else... a way out. The thought of throwing my morals out the window like he does is deeply depressing.

Right now the question is not weather he will change or not (he has proven he will not) it is how long can I go on like this. 5 years and counting.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2007
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Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


HUGS...:( I can so relate to your $$$$ situation. Just keep doing the next right thing/step. Get stronger for YOU. do you go to S-anon/etc. for support? THAT really helps...


D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.

Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
Member # 19647
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please help, not sure if this would come under a false reconcilation or not. basiclly husband left me and kids 5 and 2 to be with this OW after 8 weeks of getting on with my life he came back and we gave things another go, things were going really well H went no contact with the OW only spoke about work, we went relate for marriage counselling, all of a sudden OW text him out of the blue, he has gone back with her again, he has back with her again for 8 weeks. has anyone else gone through this then gone on to reconcile for real, i'm at my wits end!!!!

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2008 | From: England
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Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly I belong here too. I suspected an A with my H about a year and a half ago. He said he would cut off all contact with OW. He lied. In this time I fell pregnant, had a beautiful baby son who is now 4 mths old. I found out on Monday 13th that he was unhappy and wanted to leave. On the 14th the truth came out, he has been shagging OW the whole time - throughtout my whole pregnancy and the birth. He even had her come and look at my baby. I am lost, so lost. He is not sure he wants R, said he TRIED. How could he have tried when he was with her the whole time. Where to from here?

Him (WS)41
Me (BS) 41
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 483 | Registered: Oct 2008
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Member # 22952
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But he made me feel like I was a horrible person for not trusting him. That I was paronoid and completely unfair to him.

Looking back I now see red. And unfortunately for me, when I try to call him on things like this he doesn't remember what he said

same here, tries to make me feel bad about catching her, then gives me a million excuses, then forgets half of them!

Yes i belong here too. Constantly falling for the crocodile tears, the hugs, the i do love you so much, the everything. This time I am trying to be different, I feel I must go through with it no matter how badly it hurts. What else can i do? she puts on an act in front of me then is totally different behind my back.

Me 42 BH
Her 35 WW-15 month EA followed by ONS(so she says) with another
seem to be in full R (i hope)
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 realize it was False R all along
2011 cautiously in R

Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow

Posts: 385 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, May 23rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like a lot of manipulation going on here. I wish you the best. I am here too. 4 false Rs. I don't think they were even that. Manipulative F-ing WH says he left each time b/c I argued with him and he couldn't take my pain when he felt so bad already. He's always talking about HIS hurts. Says he can't deal with mine.

LIAR LIAR LIAR..why do I believe.

R is a gift WE give, if they don't want it...that says a lot.
Like a wise woman here once said " When someone shows you who they really are believe them."

[This message edited by sofresh at 2:53 PM, May 23rd (Saturday)]

ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
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Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First D-Day was July 2008.
I was shocked, extremely hurt, depressed, cried all the time.

Second D-Day was January 2009.
Now I'm totally pissed off and want a divorce.

Fog lifted some after that. He straightened himself out doing things to show me his love and to show me he wants to stay in the marriage.

There will not be a D-Day #3.
Since the first one, I've been saving money, paying off bills and improving my health. I am ready to go it alone.

My WH is clumsy and if he is doing something, I'll find out and won't have to look hard.

Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.

"It ain't about love anymore."

Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
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Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, June 4th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Constantly falling for the crocodile tears, the hugs,

Yes, that's what they are. My Wh is most likely NPD. I realize on ly NOW looking back that everytime he came back, crying, saying it would be different (And he did got NC hard enough that OW panicked) but he always goes back to her.
The tears are all about HIM he was never sad about what he had done to ME.
Always how HE had runined HIS life. How HE felt bad about how HE'd hurt 2 women.

I'm sorry,I don't feel bad for you.

As far as our questions about whether or not they ever come back for real....I am scared. I am Ding now (FPOR REAL THIS TIME) and I'm afraiud he will try to postpone it AGAIN. I know I have been weak to his ploys and I don't want him anymore. How could I ever trust a man that recently after the lkast failed R he brought OW to OUR house and F'd her...CAUGHT ON VAR!!!!

ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 8th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This doesn't REALLY apply here, but I wanted some of you to see how a person can make it seem like they wantto R...but when it's all about NEVER works.

I wish the best for you ALL.

A letter my STBX NPD sociopath wrote to me and copied to my attorney in response to me asking for my belongings.


I would like to first thank you for sending me that e-mail on 06/07/09. I
was a little taken back at first. One because you got Attorney involved,
and two you always stated that you were not a materialistic person. So
therefore I didn’t give a response till now. I woke up at 3am out of a
dead sleep saying to myself “what do I say”… (Too your e-mail) and saying to
myself “I got it”…

Where to start…. Well Attorney nice too meet you, and congrats on being a
Lawyer. I would like to share a little of my side of the story. Take it as
you please… Sofresh and I met and it was love at first sight. I met her parents
and it wasn’t so “love at first sight”. The 3rd visit I do believe her
mother stated “Sofresh what are you doing with this guy” “what are you doing”
what a great start that was. Anyway despite what they thought I was not
going to stop feeling for her because the way her mother was. So in short
from that day forward things were awkward for all parties. Attorney mind
you my childhood was far from great… My parents always put me down told me
that “I will never be what I wanna be”. So now I have her parents thinking
like my parents did and still do… Not a great feeling. So I stayed
headstrong and said to myself “I’ll show them”. So I’m thinking I can do
this, mind you this is not the first time parents have done this to me. But
the last time it did happen, I let her go. Once again I was not good enough
for their daughter. Sounds like a pity party doesn’t it… Well Attorney
just trying to give you some insight of what has happened to me in the past
to give you some idea on why things went south.
Then Sofresh and I got married
on 07/07/07 what a perfect day for a great occasion. Then Sofresh became
pregnant approximately 3 months after our wedding. Carried our son for
those long 10 months and then gave birth to DS on
06/12/08… What a day that was. I was so proud of her, and what she did.. Sofresh
is one tough woman and I really look up to her for that.
Anyway… During our
relationship and our marriage Sofresh would do the things that would make me
feel “not good enough” like her parents my parents and other parents did.
Like constantly saying to me “go to college” but I kind of knew that was
her mom in her ear… Or telling me to find another job. I was feeling like
wow what about me! I’m me WH hello… I just wanted to be loved for me.
Not money or for what I did for a career, or for not speaking right. Sofresh
hated that my English is not always proper. When I spoke slang our I didn’t
pronounce words correctly she always reminded me of that. Have you ever
been in a room and you’re talking and no one is listening, well that’s how
it was. I would talk and it would be like “ya right” blah blah blah… I felt
so distant and alone. It didn’t help Sofresh never really stood up for me
either with my mom or her own. Say hay look you need to stop he is my

Well I completely agree with what you’re thinking “Sofresh doesn’t deserve to
be cheated on”. I agree 100 %. What I did was wrong, very wrong. But I
can say I was honest and came forward. As far as me going back and forth 4
times, like we all haven’t been in a situation where no matter what you did
was wrong. I wanted so much for Sofresh but didn’t know how to give it after I
did what I did. I came back and forth for her and my son. Attorney I
don’t know if you have children but, I love my son very much. By me being
hurt and confused for my wife has nothing to do with me loving my child. Why
is it that when parents are in this situation the “HURT” or “VICTIM” will
put the kid in the middle like this situation. My son does not deserve to
be away from me because of my decisions. I have never and would never hurt
my child. I have ruined my marriage yes, but not my relationship with my
son. So Sofresh all I’m asking is keep our son out of this. He is the innocent
one in this. Remember people act out when they are hurting and don’t know
what to do or say. I have never and would never put DS in the middle
never. He deserves a Mom and a Dad. Just because we didn’t get along or
stay together doesn’t mean one should suffer more than the other. Sofresh also
threatens me with I’m being “manipulative”. How about that I’m confused,
hurt, scared, ect. I can’t be a Dad because I’m manipulative! So I take it
that she would be a good Mom for taping my conversations, and when she hears
something she doesn’t like she can walk in a bedroom punch me about the head
and face. Is that safe for my child to around. So when DS does something
wrong does that mean Sofresh has the right too hit DS in the face several
times. NO ONE deserves to be puched about the face for any reason other then
to defend thereselves. Anyway the whole matter of this is, Sofresh you can
have all of your belongings. I see how much energy and time you have put
into getting them back. Copied receipts, e-mailing everyone. But you have
our son, and you put him in the middle…. How fair is that. Your too consumed
by your anger to think about what you’re doing to Our innocent child!! Sofresh
while you’re at it Can you put a price tag on our son? DS is our son, He
is my first thought, and your worried about a lamp, a bike, and a buggy..
Anything else you would like! I don't want this to continue. I would like to
be adults and work this out for our sons sake. So please stop and think.
Once again for the record I am very sorry for what I have done to you. I
can't change it, but one thing I will do Is take care of myself and our
son. I hope you can get past this too..

BTW although I didn't always stick up for him, I didn't put him down...I didn't join in...I only encouraged him to go to school or get a better job because he seemes so unhappy in his job (no a career) and I thought it was contributing to his low self esteem.
Also, I didn;t criticize him for his poor english, I would simply correct him, to help him improve. Ie: he might say, 'He don't know.' and I would simply say, 'He doesn't know"
And my parents supported whole family was very accepting of him, mom regretted what she said and we we actually got a along well. C'mon they paid for the wedding and sent us on our honeymoon!

Oh STBX doesn't mention his SA of course. That wasn't a culprit in the M...or the fact that his EA with OW started when DS was only 3 mos.

The worst part is..some part of me is hurt by this, like I should have been a better wife.

ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
♀ Member
Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

any suggestions? I can't get past the FR's. They are a major point for me. I have come to terms with the EA/PA. I don't really know what I need to get past the FR's. Has anyone had any success? What could I bring up in MC to really get a dialog going. I don't know how to phase this so that MC knows the importants. If not with MC. Has anyone been able to open up a dialog with FWS. We are Happy in R. In many ways M is better than ever. The trust and allowing myself to feel safe with FWH again not so easy.


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
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Member # 24472
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, July 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He won't agree to nc. It doesn't matter what I say,he won't tell her not to contact him until thebaby i born. am I wrong? he makes me feel that I'm always wrong

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: va
uncertain future
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Member # 24795
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. After reading this thread I now realize that I had several false R's with my XH. I didn't truly understand what a false R before. Very eye opening.

Me(BS): 34
Him: 35
Expecting 1st child
PA: 1.5 yrs (coworker)
DDay: 4/9/09
Married 9 yrs, together 13 yrs

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: TX
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Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, July 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story is on page 2, in January 2008 as I woefully began my last False Reconcilliation... just as I had predicted it would be... like all the other False R's.

In January I discovered xWH had shared emails with OW, emails from MIL bashing me. I found out via OW and that was the point of no return.

Thats whn all the flowers stopped and all the promises too. How he was going to take care of me and how sorry he was.

I think (after a month or two) thats when he re-established contact with OW, he wastes no time.

As most M suffer multiple d-days, it sort of breaks your spirit also. If you have had several d-days then you can begin to understand how HOPELESS it really is to reform a cheater.

Departure date: May 15 2009
xWH married OW: June 25 2009

If it doesnt feel right, trust yourself. Bad men dont get better. They dont mellow out with age. They are merely very complacent with the wife and girlfriend scenario. A cakeman.

If they cant have you, they always have OW. They keep them on the hook, hand feeding cake crumbs.

I treated him very well, but he re-wrote history saying how I was always digging on him and wanted to find somebody else. This is just so cruel and so wrong. He is just a man who couldnt keep his promises.

[This message edited by Jasmine at 12:56 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

The trick you said, was never play the game too long...

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Nov 2007
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Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, July 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wish I had realized there was a thread for false R. I might have figured out that I was in false R sooner than I did. Although, I expect I really did need to be hit over the head to believe it. The signs were there to see, and my gut knew long before my heart and head would acknowledge it.

It's been about a month since I figured out WS broke NC, had broken it months ago and was in daily contact with OW again. For most of what I thought was R, I was the only one in it. WS was off in his fantasy world with OW.

I told WS I'd give him a divorce. He said he didn't want one. But he doesn't appear to want to work on R either. So now we're in limbo and I'm surprised to find how comfortable I am there.

I doubt that feeling will last but for now, it works for me.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 11992 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
dirk pitt
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Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm like In, I just discovered this site tonight.
Limbo, it even sounds better than the HELL, that we were in.


Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
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Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why didn't I know this forum existed!! Oh we're totally in false R. I don't want to give up though...and he doesn't know, that I know that this is false. He's broken NC...he's lied...I don't have access to his phone... but he thinks I'm buying it.

This is painful!

Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
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Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((jessy)) that's got to be so hard. I could handle not bringing it up when I suspected WS had broken NC, but once I found out for sure, I had to confront him.

Dirk, how have things been going? not much consolation I know, but at least your WS has joined here and has gotten some great advice. it's something.

I posted yesterday in S/D, and it depressed the hell out of me for the rest of the day.

I am trying to do the 180, but I suck at it.

WS says he is NC again but I don't know that I believe him. Even though I told him it needed to be done with me present, it wasn't. That would be the passive aggressive asshole in him coming out.

But he has been showing signs of being in withdrawal, just like he did after the original d-day. So who knows, maybe he is telling the truth. But I have no way of knowing.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 11992 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
dirk pitt
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Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Jessy you have to get it out. No one should have to live like that.

In, thanks for asking, one of my main problems, is that I thought we were well on our way, when she dropped the bomb on me.

I told her this a.m., that sometimes when I look her, I don,t see the woman I married. Of course this upset her, but she will not come close to being as 'upset' as I was and am.

She said, that it makes her think that I don't love her at times. Well of course I respond, and you were 'in love' with me all the time.

You can guess the rest.

In, stay strong, and do what you know you have to do.


Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
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Member # 24483
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I confirmed my false R#2 yesterday...and got my new dd#2 also. For background, read my "something smells fish" and "update: something was fishy" posts... I'm numb right now.

Attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete...ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: My own fantasy land
dirk pitt
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Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 25th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


That was a bad day. Hopefully they can only get better from here on. I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm in a bit of a mess myself.

You can only do what you think is best. That is the right thing to do.

thinking of you, tc

Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
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