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User Topic: False Reconcilation Thread
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It says I'm a damn strong person with a great sense of what I can and cannot handle.

Or am willing to handle and put up with.

I gave ONE extra chance and that was it.
It was all I was willing to do because that was what worked for me.

Luckily it was all that was needed and after a lot of hard work we had a real and true reconciliation.

I will never regret it.

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Member # 18143
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have a clue what my WS and I are doing. We are just carrying on with life but our marriage stinks. She doesn't even know what R is. Right now it's all about pitiful life. Where do I turn? She says she needs me. Where's the love and R.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Feb 2008
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Member # 9278
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm in the same boat. Kinda just going through the motions and are just glorified roommates. My W is stressed from work and complains of some minor physical ailments, but how can you go from very touchy-feely, very loving to kinda angry have sex a couple times a year maybe? I think she has just checked out and is maybe waiting for me to get tired of it. That way i'll be to blame for leaving. For all I know she may have plans with someone else already and is just waiting me out. This sounds like a blast, doesn't it? I think I'll start doing more forceful inquiries and get to the bottom of this. Not getting any younger and my life is worth more than this.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Hell
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Member # 15236
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went through about 6 months of FR's. WH now seems to be doing everything to make it work. I have not committed to another R. We are just building a relationship. I haven't said I will stay. I have the D paperwork ready to be signed. I am just waiting and watching. My IC asked me what I have learned from all this? I know it isn't the answer he was looking for. But what I learned was my H has become an accomplished liar and he can now lie to me. He never could before. Has anyone successfully R'D after FR. Any tips ? How do you know they are being honest?


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2007
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Member # 19706
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 30th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Five wasted years of my life with FR. Discovered first A when WS OW called me at my office to disclose everything. I was ill and confronted him but everything, of course, was denied. He even had the nerve to turn it all around on me....somehow I must be up to something-which couldn't have been further from the truth. I broke it off (we were engaged), went through a major depression and tried to move on with my life. He wouldn't let me go.

Six months later he somehow convinced me to R. He claimed I was the only woman he would ever love. He still didn't admit the A but did admit to lying to me over and over again about seeing this woman and stated it was only because she threatened to kill herself and also because he cared about her 14 year old child. We buy a house together in another area, I quit my job and move to be with him and then all of a sudden he decides he can't sleep in the new house. He has to be back in his hometown in the house he hadn't sold yet. I am the bad person for not coming with him and driving the 90 miles each way commute. We had a beautiful house on the water and he wanted to be back in his 1-bed, 1-bath ugly house in the middle of nowhere. I had my suspicions when he put our new house on the market and I came home to find the 'For Sale' sign. He claimed nothing was going on but I randomly remembered his cell phone password and heard two phone messages from yet ANOTHER OW about their A. I left him again-angry, hurt and back into my depression....even worse was that now I was in a completely different state and really didn't know anyone. Somehow I managed, moved on BUT a year later a mutual acquaintence somehow reconnected us again. I was skeptical but once again he managed to convince me I was the love of his life.

He pushed me hard to sell my house and move back with him. He claimed to be different. He claimed to know that the reason everything didn't work was all because of him....blah, blah, blah. I fell for it.

Six months later...The last A I discovered while on a business trip with him in Vegas. Things just weren't adding up and he all of a sudden backed out of our 8th wedding date right about the time I moved my last box into his house. We were going to get married in Vegas but he rethought it and wanted to do it in the Summer at the house. The week before the trip he was distant and things were on and off odd. I also noticed his main office line programmed phone number creeping up a lot in off work hours and he kept sneaking off for 'business calls'. Also odd since we were in the same business so it's not like I wouldn't understand. Come to find out the office line was really this woman's number programmed in his phone to look like a work call. I didn't see that coming. The extra special bonus came when I figured out his laptop password and discovered a 4th OW. He was cheating on me with 2 others and one of them I actually knew as a casual friend because she had dated one of his good friends.

I left Vegas that very night hysterical. People in the airport must have thought I was nuts because I just had constant tears streaming down my face. I really loved him for some dumb reason.

I drew the line at 3 FR. He married my former casual friend three weeks after I eventually got married. At least she got what she deserved for lying to me!!! LOL! Several months before my wedding he sent me a text message and I hadn't seen or heard from him since the day I left. I know if I allowed him to be back in my life he'd try for another R even now. That's the best part because I know he will cheat on her and I am so thankful it isn't me!

[This message edited by EvianMI2005 at 9:50 AM, May 30th (Friday)]

Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Michigan
Dog Tired
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Member # 15412
Sad  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not really sure what to write so I guess I will just ramble is no one minds.

D-Day was 2-13-07, R-Day was 2-21-07, worked so hard, spent my days on SI, and nights talking with WH. It was such a ride, one that I was glad to get off of.

In March, 08 I had enough. It was time to move on, so we did.

Things were GREAT, he was so loving, always home. I had my moments where I was suspicious (rightly so) but he always held me, and explained "It is over, it has been over since 2-07. I no longer have a girlfriend. I love you and only you".

Then on 5-25-08, late in the evening I found him in his garage on a secret cell phone.

My world feel apart again for a brief moment. It's just different this time around.

It's been 3 weeks since D-Day #2. I don't really know how I feel.

This time is so different. But I can't figure out why or how, I just know I feel different.

He doesn't want to talk about the A. He doesn't want to listen to the experts advice. He says they don't know me. He doesn't want to hear what I read on SI to help us.

He says he was trying to end it for months but just could not. He says let it go. In other words sweep it under the rug. I know this is not healthy. He wants to go on as if this never happened because "she meant nothing to me".

Now what do I want, I really don't know. I want him to love me, I want him to show me he wants to be with me. I want someone to take all of this away. I want to just go away, far far away. I want to know that it is really over and we can truly R this time. I want the guarantee that I cannot have.

Snooped at the cell phone bill, that was a waste everyone knows they go deeper when caught espicially for the 2nd time.

I want to continue to look forward to our 20 year anniversary this October. We have a HUGE trip planned.

I want to make love to my H without bawling like a baby afterwards.

I want so many things that I cannot have.

For those who went thru FR and won, thank you. Knowing that FR does not mean the end of all things helps.

Thanks for listening.

BS - Me - 50 (Yeeekkkk)
FWS - H - 45
M - 13 years - Together 23
D-Day 2-13-07
R-Day 2-21-07
D-Day #2 5-25-08
R-Day #2 6-18-08

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Connecticut
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Member # 19760
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I've been posting in the JFO forum as I have JFO 13 days ago. WW has been on the fence. I think a lot of it had to do with her brothers wedding this upcoming weekend. Said I would go.

I've been trying to talk, get her to open up, made it clear that R was a real possiblity. She was never in it.

Sensed something wrong yesterday afternoon. WW back to being evasive and lying. Took a quick drive and found WW with OM at expensive restaurant. I confronted them, told WW to move out (she's moving into guest room in basement). No chance for R.

Gonna file next week

"Lost are only those, who abandon themselves" - Hans-Ulrich Rudel

O Praeclarum Custodem, Ovium Lupum (Cicero)

Happily Divorced

Posts: 433 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New Jersey
New Member
Member # 10497
Sad  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many false Rs can one handle?

This was initially and EA/PA. During the years time they were NC OW moved across the country, so it resumed as an EA. Through all of the false Rs H has begged me not to divorce him. I guess he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.

This last d-day was different because he confessed. All other d-days and revelations have been because I have caught him and confronted him. can this time possibly be different?

What a fool I feel like for even thinking it could be different. I am so hurt, numbe and angry at this point.

He has been out of the house since d-day 3. He continually tells me he wants our marriage to work. But instead of true R, he keeps OW in the wings incase I do finally D him. How selfish can you get!

[This message edited by Stillconfused at 8:14 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]

Him WH
M 14 yrs
3 great kids S-13 D-11 S-8
d-day 1 10/05
d-day 2 11/05
NC 11/05-11/06
D-day 3 3/7/08
D-day 4 6/20/08
OW might be more pathetic than me, she's been waiting this whole time!

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
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Member # 17636
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had been R with an addict untill last Sun. I thought things where getting better in our marriage he had slipped up & I busted him high a few times but he always promised. Well he had bought me some jewelry earlier that week & I found the reciept he lied about how much it cost by $125. When I confronted him he denied at first but finally told me he spent it on drugs & told me he wanted a D. The next day I had 5 or 6 people call me to let me know he had been cheating on me with a girl that waits tables at the bar & grill he worked at. Now since Feb he has lost 3 jobs, his truck, his home, wife & kids all for a pill. I am so heart broken & I know I have got to D him. I just dont know if I will be strong enough.

Daughter-5 ours
Son-11 mine
Married 6 1/2 yrs
Together 9

We deserve better me & my kids will never come second to a pill, a whore, or a drug dealer ever agian.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ky
dust to dust
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Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I am just having a hard time today. It makes it worse when we have to go visit the oc. Its making me nervous that on Thursday I have to drop my h back off at his parent's house and won't be able to see him for ten days, during which ow supposedly is having a sonogram of oc#2 to tell the sex. She says she doesn't want him there. But its triggering me because we will be separated and with oc#1 he snuck off to two appointments with her and I don't want him doing that this time. He knows the consequences this time around.
I just wonder, after false R for two years, how do you know if you are in true R this time around? This thread proves that you and your WS can get through false Rs to move onto real R. But I just wonder if I am in real R. He is more open and honest and so far I haven't seen signs of them getting back together. But I just worry that because I don't see the signs doesn't mean they aren't at it again. It MAY just mean they are better adept at hiding than before. But I haven't had an gut flinching episodes like I did in the past. I am just worried that this R is going to be another false R and sadly the only person who can tell me if this is true or not is my WS. But yet you can see why I am having a hard believing his promises and words this time around. Because he promised me the same things post dday 1 while he was still with her! I guess I just need words of encouragement.

[This message edited by dust to dust at 2:50 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)]

dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
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Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure...My first dday was 12/26/07...and I thought that for 7 months we were in r....I was always scared because he didn't disclose anything...just whatever I found and it was just so far from the man I thought I knew so well. How do they do that or is it that we aren't seeing things clearly...and how long would this have gone on if I hadn't found out again...Sometimes I wish that I didn't know and he wasn't gone..It would have been easier had he died and I didn't know....I miss him so badly...I keep reading this is a process but, I don't know if I am up to the journey.

Me: 47
WS: 38
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
Heartless Bytchh
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Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RL, how's it going today?

Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
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Member # 18185
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to stay calm today...I am still so confused and I guess I have to just realize I will never understand this disaster. I am happy for the time I had and was so happy...I am ready for my new life to start...I just don't know what he is going to be in my new life...we have a small child and I have 2 adult daughters who have lost so much too...Thank you so much for asking about me today..I feel so alone sometimes...How are you today?

Me: 47
WS: 38
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

Posts: 166 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: KY
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Member # 20858
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone here have a false R with a fiance/fiancee rather than a spouse? I understand about needing to try numerous times when you're married - especially if there ae children involved. But how about if you're not married yet?

I feel like a light switch has been flipped & I don't feel ANYTHING except wanting him to get the last of his crap out of my house so I can move on.

Friends are saying that he'll try to come back in a few weeks when he thinks I've "calmed" down - or when he remembers why he broke up with her (OW was a former fiance before me)in the first place.

I don't want him back - but I would like for him to WANT to come back so I could shoot him down like he's done to me.

Guess maybe I'm back in the anger stage, huh?

Me BF 47
Him WF 46
ONS 7/4/08 (or so I thought)
DD 7/5/08
False R confirmed 9/14/08
I'm done......
Tried R again 11/11/08
Lots of hard work/counseling - Married 1/28/09
Marriage is wonderful - still some triggers & bumps, but FWS is worki

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: VA
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Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, unfortunately, I am in this camp now, too.

Caught my WH back into massage parlors on 9-9-08...fecking nightmare...worse this time cuz he allowed my girls to THINK he was coming home now...that all was well...was lying & snowing everyone...I kicked his arse out AGAIN...
INSANE...going to Sa meetings sometimes...& massage after!

Tons & tons of new stories & lies...I'm pretty sure he is NPD ..he's 1 foot in in SA recovery shet...

I can't do this anymore...
I have an appoint. w/ counselor Wed. to set more boundaries...w/ kids, etc...

still have std test. in friday again...

D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.

Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
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Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is STILL texting me I miss you...I'm refusing to communicate 2 him unless it's about business/kids...

D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.

Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
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Member # 20858
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be strong, ScribblingMum. You deserve better!!

Me BF 47
Him WF 46
ONS 7/4/08 (or so I thought)
DD 7/5/08
False R confirmed 9/14/08
I'm done......
Tried R again 11/11/08
Lots of hard work/counseling - Married 1/28/09
Marriage is wonderful - still some triggers & bumps, but FWS is worki

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: VA
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Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh scribbling mum...I'm so sorry! I know you were headed for a Sept date of R. Had he moved home yet? or did you find out about this prior to him moving home? How did you discover this about the massage parlour? do they have sex there? It really sucks big time in any event.

My H moved home end of July to R--supposedly. Then there have been 3 instances of him slipping up, and of course like an idiot, I still let him stay. I know it was a false R--he moved home just for the comfort of it all and for the kids' sake. The last time my H fell was on 8/19--after things were going so great!!!! I was so shattered. AND, it was on the way home from an SA meeting that he visited the strip club!!!! Imagine!!!! I know for me, I cannot handle another time. We all reach our limit I think. But we have to feel in our hearts and know what those limits are for us. I feel I've reached mine for sure.
IF there's one more time of retreating to strip clubs for my H, I will not want to continue in the marriage. He knows this.

Good Luck scribbling mom. That's great you're seeing your counselor. Deep breathe, and know you're special with our without your husband. He's a scum bag--sorry....

[This message edited by Ingrid at 11:17 AM, September 30th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
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Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, October 9th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first time on this thread. I wish I found you guys earlier.

I feel that I have been living FR for 19 months now. I moved out about a year ago. We have tried to reconcile but he keeps her on the line. He is fearful that I am going to kick back to his house.

I think that I have finally convinced him that he cannot speak to her - regardless of the reason - OC or no OC. He is now pressuring me to buy a house close to the farm that we still own together but that is also close to her and her work. I am not comfortable with this - why is he pressuring me to do something that will make me miserable???? I feel that he is losing control (and he is a control freak) and is trying to control our living situation even though I have made it clear that I am not moving back to the place that caused so much pain to me.

I just don't know what to do!!!!!

Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
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