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User Topic: False Reconcilation Thread
drowninginsorrow
♀ Member
Member # 4545
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it sounds like cake eating...

i'm sorry giselle... that is a really difficult situation for you....((((hugs))))


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
Finding Myself
♀ Member
Member # 18468
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been in FR for four months.

All that time he saw me crying EVERY SINGLE DAY and yet he kept on cheating.

All the things I told him hurt me most HE WENT AND DID AGAIN.
And not just fucking her...
For example: I was in Europe when the A began. I brought him back a jacket. After D-day 1 I was so angry he had worn it to her house and left it there.

So what does he do during FR? GIVES IT TO HER TO 'CEMENT A BOND BETWEEN THEM' as he says.
WTF???????

Was FR just to punish me? It sure feels like it.

Trouble is we had so many conversations about why he had A, etc. Turns out all those conversations were built on lies. Nothing was as he had told me.

I think he wants true R now. I actually do. But true R triggers me because of false R. And I have never gotten any answers I haven't dug up for myself. I can't be bothered looking for answers any more because I felt we had made so much progress and all of it was based on lies.

I used to really want him. Now I don't know if he's worth the effort.

I was scared I would never get over the anger of the A. Now, finding it was twice as long, twice as bad, started by him, started before I went away...
I just don't know if I can ever get over it. I don't want to go on.

Sometimes I want to kill him. Sometimes I want to kill myself.

I'm a wreck and I have no support because everyone just thinks 'what did you expect, you stayed with a cheater'.
I feel like there's no point showing him my pain and anger - he saw it daily for four months and it didn't motivate him to take steps to ease it.
I wish I was in true R. But I really think the only way to make him understand how devastating the A and FR has been is to leave him.

I think I want to believe it is true this time... I want to believe that one day I will get over the anger... I want to believe that this won't keep on affecting me forever...

Most of all I want a relationship that is not tainted with infidelity. And now I can never have that with him. Even though I feel like he is the man I belong with.

[This message edited by Finding Myself at 8:39 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]


"When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the spirit laughs for what it has found".

Posts: 170 | Registered: Mar 2008
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like there's no point showing him my pain and anger - he saw it daily for four months and it didn't motivate him to take steps to ease it.

Exactly. I've been wondering why that is.
Is it the selfishness?
The ego boost?
Just what?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Sicofitall
♀ Member
Member # 18508
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH & I separated after the 1st DD and only 3 weeks of MC. At the time he told me that all of my "inspection" was driving him crazy (like all of his lying didn't have something to do with that) and that he just wanted to be alone. BIG RED FLAG but I missed it.

We sold our home, I moved back to our home state to be closer to family and bought a house. After a little more than a month he started actively persuing me. Flowers, cards, gifts of leingerie...the whole nine yards. We started trying to R, or so I thought. After a wonderful Christmas together as a family and a trip we took together with our YS in January I decided to keep an eye Dr's appointment I had (post laser surgery which left me worse off than I was before) and surprise WH with my visit.
Let's just say he wasn't the only one that was "surprised".

The 1st DDay was really, really bad, but I still had reason to hope. The 2nd DDay was devestating. I went from numb, to angry, to crying all the time. I told him I would be the bad guy and get the lawyer since he obviously didn't have the balls to do it himself. He begged me to give him a chance. Said if he got divorce papers he wouldn't sign them.
I still don't really get it. He had me out of his life and he is the one that pulled me back in. Yet he tells me he was in love with the OW, and I get the love you but not in love with you crappola.
It's like hurting me once wasn't good enough. He had to continue to hurt me over and over and over again.
If the OW hadn't dumped him after he didn't go back to her on the 2nd DD night, I truly believe he would still be with her, yet trying to keep me in his life.
My IC says she's never seen anything like him before. She is totally stumped. He bought me a house. He bought me an expensive necklace for Valentines Day. He bends over backwards to try to make me happy, but says he's not in love with me. He calls me every day, ususally more than once, even when he was living with the OW, but says he doesn't want to be in any committed realtionship. HELLO! You don't want one CR but two is just fine???
He cries about what has happened to our family, but when given the opportunity not just once but twice to make things right he chose to fence sit.
I've signed all of my paperwork and left it with him to give to our mediator.
He's done nothing with it.
Even after I contacted her and told her to light a fire under his ass.

Now he's talking again about R. I've set down ground rules which he says he's fine with. In the meantime I have no way of knowing anything about what he's doing.

Trust but verify? How when you live 800 miles away?

When do you say enough is enough?


BW (me)52
WH 53
Maried 31yrs
Together 36yrs
DS's 24 & 29

DD 6/28/07
SD 8/29/07
2nd DD 1/13/08
DD #3 9/21/08


Posts: 497 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Smack dab in the middle
chandra
♀ Member
Member # 5595
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH and I have tried to R about five times now. after each time i tried to forgive and move on but now i just cant take the heartach and pain anymore we talked and he said that part of him wants to be with me during our conversation we decided to get a divorce then just five minutes later he was saying that he wants to work it out and maybe just be seperated for a while i dont know what to do im so scared. but after so many failed attempts at R i feel why should this time be any different why should i have to try again, why would i want to hurt myself again.

Posts: 140 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: Portland Oregon
faith5
♀ Member
Member # 17784
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my False R sent me over the edge and it gave me the PTSD lovely diagnosis i am now having to deal with.

it was the worse thing and the nightmares are still coming.

i doubt everything now...in life.

i pray for peace b/c this False R business is murder.


Posts: 1656 | Registered: Jan 2008
hexed07
♀ Member
Member # 16584
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all and hugs to all of you who are in the unfortunate position of being on this thread.

I went through FR about 6 months after the original Dday. He sent me a letter that convinced me to give him a second chance. It only lasted 2 months, and Im pretty sure that he had slept with OW again within a couple of weeks.

I agree that in many ways FR is even harder to accept than the A. For me, the hardest thing is that I saw the signs but I was not strong enough to face them. Now I know that that is understandable, but still it haunts me that I allowed him to treat me that way.

On the plus side, although I still miss the "old" him terribly, FR is what proves to me that the old him is gone and I have to let go and move on.

I wish you all the best in your own struggles.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Oct 2007
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sicofitall, That's what I don't understand.
If I really was important to him, he wouldn't have done me that way.
It makes me wonder if it was just all a powerplay, egotrip, or the mother of all headgames.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said that I wouldn't post here anymore...but I found an old e-mail. In it, WH promised me the sun, moon, & stars if I would not D him. He was so "sincerely" willing to do anything if we R and I believed him so I consented.

Well, I'm haunted by this, too.

That I could be such a FOOL.

Why??? I'm supposed to be an intelligent and discerning woman!

HB~ probably a combination of all plus others as well coming into play.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamy, Thanks.
I don't know why he did this.
I got empty meaningless words too.
It's like he thought that's all it would take to get the sitch back the way it was before.
You can't unring the bell, kwim?
It also feels like my love, trust, and belief in him meant nothing to him.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Helpless  Posted: 6:32 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's like "Oh, I'll throw the old dog I married(he called me that in front of our kids) a bone and maybe that'll make her happy and shut her up and get her off my back so I can continue to do what I want."


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I KWYM, HB.

I also know that my WH won't get another chance to pull FR on me again. (I'm certain of this now.)

How many on this thread feel that their WS actually might have *enjoyed* doing numerous FR with them?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Random thought today...

if Fucktard had put as much energy into true R with me as he is putting into doing dirty crappy petty deeds to me now, we probably could've been successful at R.

Guess that shows his priorities, huh?
Himself.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
hopefulnz
♀ Member
Member # 16942
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through 11 months of FR. Actually to be honest in those 11 months I never felt we were in R at all.

He never showed any of the signs that he truly wanted to R. No full disclosure, remorse,or transparency and forget trying to make it up to me.

The second D Day was worse than the first. The last D Day (a month ago) was almost an anti climax. In the end I noticed a trend that alerted me to the fact that he'd had contact with her. Our sex life would fizzle out.

I would post on SI saying how he was still in the fog but having NC and I would get replies that said he was probably still involved with her. I didn't want to believe it. A couple of times I got upset with the replies & stayed away from SI for a while.

Now when I read some posts I can see exactly what the experienced SI'ers could see in mine. It is so obvious when the foggy WS is still involved with the AP.

I wish I could say it took me threatening to walk out of our marriage for my WH to wake up but I honestly don't know.
He finally ended his A 1 year & 1 day after she started it by coming on to him at a party. He is still unable to tell me why he took her up on her offer. I think his ego had a huge part to play & I suspect that he was suffering from depression just prior to this.

Today it is exactly 1 month since he ended it. As far as I know she has tried to contact him once by text. He showed me & deleted it without replying. But seeing as it is the one month anniversay I am going to ask him tonight if he has had contact. From what I know in the last year each time he supposedly ended it the longest they lasted without contact was a month.

I feel like there's no point showing him my pain and anger - he saw it daily for four months and it didn't motivate him to take steps to ease it.

My WH told me that when he saw me upset or angry he didn't care. In fact he told me that it just pushed him further away from me.

I believe he shut himself off emotionally from me because he couldn't handle the guilt. (He also told me that he didn't feel bad or guilty for treating me as he did.) He later admitted that he had been trying to force me to make the decision to leave & hated me because I wouldn't.

He has since apologised & is now doing everything right. I just pray that this isn't another FR because if it is our marriage is definately over. A problem with our house has now been fixed & we are about to sell so there will be nothing holding me back.


Me - BS (43)
Him - FWH (52)
Married 17 years - together 20 years
D Day #1 - March 07
D Day #2 - April 07
A year of false R
Final D Day - March 08
2 Children 15,13
Reconciling

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New Zealand
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe he shut himself off emotionally from me because he couldn't handle the guilt. (He also told me that he didn't feel bad or guilty for treating me as he did.) He later admitted that he had been trying to force me to make the decision to leave & hated me because I wouldn't.

This rings with me on so many levels.
I think he didn't feel bad or guilty because he was more concerned about himself.
And trying to make you end it and hating you for it shows how weak, and pathetic and selfish he was.


He never showed any of the signs that he truly wanted to R. No full disclosure, remorse,or transparency and forget trying to make it up to me.

Pretty much the same scenario here.
I realize now too late, that should've been a red flag.

How about now?
Is he still like that?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
hopefulnz
♀ Member
Member # 16942
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi HB
He has now apologised to me and our children. (Unfortunately they know just about everything - they were in the room with me when OWH called me).

He has also been open with close friends of ours and admitted to them what he had done & how we are now R.
This was a huge admission. The whole time we were in false R he did not want ANY one to know that he'd had an A.

He showed me a text that OW sent & deleted it without replying.

He is open & affectionate with me. We talk.
He read "Not Just Friends". Initially he said no but I arrived home from work to find that he had finished the book. He then proceeded to sit down & tell me everything that he could remember about the A. (He had taken note that he had to tell me everything).

When I trigger or bring up the A he is understanding. Sometimes not happy but he lets me say what I need to say & doesn't get angry or upset (And doesn't walk away from me which is what he used to do to avoid it).

He also does not blame me for everything. He has taken responsibilty for his behaviour in our marriage prior to the A. (We were a classic over/under functioning couple) I'm learning to pull back & he is stepping up.

We still have a long way to go.

I feel he is still protecting the OW. He doesn't like it if I call her names,(I have a few good ones)and that worries me.

She has left her H & is taking 2 months to decide whether to return to England so I am sure she will contact my H & tell him her decision. This worries me too.

Looking back I can see that I had convinced myself that he was in the "fog" because he thought he was still in love with her. In reality he was in the "fog" because he was still with her. Period.

The difference between now & false R is now I can now see my H again. The cold unfeeling person with the dead eyes has disappeared.


Me - BS (43)
Him - FWH (52)
Married 17 years - together 20 years
D Day #1 - March 07
D Day #2 - April 07
A year of false R
Final D Day - March 08
2 Children 15,13
Reconciling

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New Zealand
Trying2BeStill
♀ Member
Member # 13770
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking back I can see that I had convinced myself that he was in the "fog" because he thought he was still in love with her. In reality he was in the "fog" because he was still with her. Period.

Man do I pray I can get to this place one day.

I hope this thread can be a support system because I don't know which end is up right now.

When I found out about the A in Jan 07 I thought I handled it with class and grace. I read everything I could get my hands on. I went to therapy to try work on myserlf, etc, etc. I did all the right things to try and save our M. I started trying to look nicer and wear makeup more often. Not trying to necessarily attract WH but more to show I was trying to make an effort. I was able to see the logic in the addiction of an A, etc. It was a long year but I was working hard to be patient and always believed we could build a stronger M.

A year goes by and we are not making much progress. I was getting more and more unsettled. H always said he wasn't ready for MC and continued to work with his IC for ~8 mo. I tried to stay positive and thought if he was working on himself it would benefit all of us as a family. I felt we had such a strong friendship and a genuine caring for one another and we were able to laugh and have fun and I just couldn't see throwing that away and devestating our 3 kids. I also couldn't understand why things weren't getting any better. Everything I read said that after the mourning process and the fog - the WH usually can see the devestation and R can begin

Fastforward to Jan 08 I find out there is renewed contact. Then in March 08 find out that the A has NEVER ended for more than maybe 3 or 4 days at a time.

OK.. so you can look at my profile to see the story of my meeting with OW, her H, etc.

Now I know the total and complete truth. It is freeing and it is CRUSHING all that the same time.

So I sit here... My WH seems to be in a different place I guess. I understand why he never said he was sorry with any real effort, never asked for my forgiveness and never asked to move back in. He couldn't - he wasn't done with the A. I should be thankful for that I guess in some sick way. If I had forgiven him and he moved back in with promises I'm not sure what I would do now.

I'm in a different place too and I'm not sure what that place is.

I need to know how to deal with this now - today. Should I just stay in bed for 3 days and mourn the loss of another year of my life and the realization that this A was about 100 times worse than I imagined? As far as I can see from the emails I've read there is pretty much nothing - ZERO - left in my M that is sacred anymore and obviously wasn't that important to WH anyway. How do I process that?

My faith is strong and is probably the only reason I am still here even thinking about R. Initially the kids were a big part but they are not enough to hold this together.

There is no book to read now. There is nothing to help you understand this hurt - this level of betrayal.

I guess sometimes I'm an optimistic fool and think if H continues to work on his issues, I continue to work on mine and we continue MC there is a chance that we can have what some have here (New Attitude).

Other times I realize my M is completely blown to bits and if I'm going to start over anyway - is it wise to choose my H again?

How did you cope? How can you see a day when you can be happy again and ever feel loved again?


BS (Me)-41 / WH-40 / M 12 years / 3 kids under 10.
2 year A (one year of it was false R).
Last Dday - 3/25/08
Wanted R... probably heading to D

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: never quite sure
Trying2BeStill
♀ Member
Member # 13770
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and now I'm crying so hard I can't see the computer screen.


BS (Me)-41 / WH-40 / M 12 years / 3 kids under 10.
2 year A (one year of it was false R).
Last Dday - 3/25/08
Wanted R... probably heading to D

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: never quite sure
hopefulnz
♀ Member
Member # 16942
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((trying2bestill)))

I had one slim hope that I clung to the entire time. My FWH did not have sex with her. That is one fact that even the OWH believes is true. The first D Day my FWH told me they hadn't had sex. When I asked why not he told me that he knew if he crossed that final boundary there was no going back.

OWH told me that it was due to my H that they hadn't slept together. OW told him she wanted to but my H wouldn't. I know they were physical in other ways though.

The whole time my H was telling me that he didn't love me, had no feelings for me at all I held on to the fact that he still hadn't been able to sleep with her. And it wasn't because of lack of opportunity - they were meeting during the day. I work 7.00am - 3.30pm & he works 2.30pm to 11.00pm.

I also have 2 friends who have been through the same thing and they both kept telling me to hang in there. As they said it's not over til it's over.

I have to be honest & say I don't know what prompted the final bust up of the A. If it was me finally telling my H to move into the spare room until the house is sold because I was leaving as soon as it was or if it was because rumours had finally started to circulate at his work. The OW is the wife of one of his managers - it took a whole year for them to get caught out. Only her H & I knew what was going on & her H didn't want anyone at work knowing.

Looking back I don't know how I hung on for as long as I did. I know for a long time I would lie in bed & pray that I wouldn't wake up. I fantasized (like a lot of us) about killing myself - anything to stop the pain but I realised that I was never alone by myself long enough to do anything and I couldn't have let my kids find me.

I read every book I could get my hands on trying to make sense of the mess my life had become. I know I have cried more in the last year than I have for the rest of my entire life.

My H wanted to move out - to sort his head out or so he said. However we were in the financial situation where we couldn't afford to pay our mortgage & rent somewhere for one of us to live. We couldn't sell our house immediately as there was a structural problem that we needed to fix before we could put it on the market.

I think this worked both for & against us. It prevented us making a rash decision but it also dragged it out.

My H was also giving me mixed messages. While he was saying one thing to me his actions were saying something else. He was telling me that he had no feelings for me but in bed he was being very loving & giving - more than he had been for years. (Then he would have contact with her again & the sex would dry up - Guilt I guess.)

I don't know what advice to give you. I am certainly not going to tell you to give up. That is a decision that only you can make.

When friends commented on why I had hung on for so long I was able to look them in the eye & tell them that if my marriage did break up at least I would know that I had done everything possible to save it.

My H was like yours - he kept waiting for a magical sign that he should stay in our marriage. He was said he didn't want to waste another year waiting for feelings to come back. It wasn't until he finally went completely NC with OW that he understood what I had been trying to tell him. There was no chance of his feelings returning while she was still in his life because he wouldn't let himself feel anything for me.

I still worry though that OW was the "love of his life" but then I think that if that the true A: he would have slept with her & B:Nothing would have kept them apart - specially as she has now left her H.

One thing that I had finally started to do in the last week before he ended the A. I had started to 180. I told him that I needed to move forward with my life I had waited around for him long enough. I made him move into the spare room & then I arranged to go out every evening. (He was on vacation that week). It was after only 1 evening of me being strong & looking out for me that he decided to end the A.

It is still very early days in our R. I have bad moments but I am trying to deal with those. My H is patient when I trigger. However at the moment I feel as though I am second best and I think that is going to take a long time for me to get over.

I started a journal when I was in the very darkest days & that has helped me a lot.

In the end though T2BS you have to do what's best for you & your children. If you see even the tiniest glimmer of hope I say hang in there but not at the expense of your sanity.

take care.



Me - BS (43)
Him - FWH (52)
Married 17 years - together 20 years
D Day #1 - March 07
D Day #2 - April 07
A year of false R
Final D Day - March 08
2 Children 15,13
Reconciling

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New Zealand
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it that 'we" give so MANY chances, over and over, ad nauseum?

Why??

What does that say about us...?

Because for a lot of people, A) Finding out about the cheating would be IT...B) One FR would be the absolute END.

Were/are we just "in denial"?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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