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User Topic: False Reconcilation Thread
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those that are dealing specifically with false reconcilations and needing support on how to move forward, whether to stay or divorce.

Please do not turn this into a "dump their ass!" type thread.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I survived a false reconciliation and went on to reconcile for real.
Reconciled and grossly happy now for five years.
You can get through this!


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
Siouxz2
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Member # 15982
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, the false R hurt worse than the actual A. I mean, the A was bad enough, he got caught, people make mistakes, etc. But to THEN lead me to believe that our M had a chance when he had NO intention of going NC with her, that was the knock-out punch.

I am just thankful that our R didn't last too long before I found out about all this.

Still, it hurts a whole lot. Especially when OW is the same age as I am, but looks great, plastic surgery, new boobs, etc. And here I am overweight and STILL with the acne (at 46!).

Yet I know that for me, D is the best thing that could happen. I am becoming "me" again after 24 years or being someone else.


BS to lying POS WH
Tried R--no effort from him
Lawyered up on 1/2/08
Beautiful 1st grandson born 3/20/08

Posts: 263 | Registered: Aug 2007
Whoknew?
♀ Member
Member # 9270
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our last D-day was nearly 4 years ago. I'm pretty sure that my FWH is an SA. Since D-day he hasn't been with any other women, but he kept looking at porn, prostitution sites, and personals on line, and going to strip clubs and bikini bars even thought I kept telling him that I didn't want him to. After sleeping in separate rooms for several weeks, he said he finally understands (?) what I'm saying. He's going to keep a list of times he's tempted and what's happening in his life (stress, boredom, etc.) at the time.
It's been a week with NC and once again I'm hopeful that this time he'll stick to it. I know that for a SA, it's usually just a matter of time before things go back to the same as before, but this time I'm really hopeful. After 38 years of M, I can't imagine life without him, but I can't imagine life continuing as it has been either
Here's to a great new year for all of us!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Florida
Heartless Bytchh
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Member # 12347
Content  Posted: 7:38 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay! Great thread!
Now, my big question is how do we deal with single or mutiple False Reconciliations?

I am so devastated by my multiple FR's.
The last one was Dec 5th.
Not only did he jack me around, but he tried to gaslight me and make me feel like an idiot.

What do I do now? How do I deal with it all?


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
betterdaysahead
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Member # 12309
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbxh had an affair in 1984 with a married coworker. I kicked him out and we S for 6 months. He came back with flowers and promises of fidelity.

Fast forward to June 2006...he walked out to move in with another woman...a married coworker.

I don't think he was ever faithful...but in those 20 years he got another child...a son and a free university education and a terrific career.

ETA I am so angry that I R...it was the biggest mistake of my life. I know that isn't a popular sentiment here and I feel guilty saying it but I feel comfortable saying that on this thread.

[This message edited by betterdaysahead at 8:22 PM, December 31st (Monday)]


The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. ☯

Posts: 13649 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Canada
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, December 31st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto to all HB's questions...but I did kick WH out in 9/06 & despite all his crocodile tears & "Let's let bygones be bygone's" crap (of which I cannot DO because I don't *know* what the damn bygone IS if he continues to keep me in the dark!) he has made NO attempt to R.
In fact, he has pulled out ALL the Stops (stopped his bipolar meds, therapy, reading & working on the Carnes work book, etc.) so its just more bullshit.
But, this time, he is driving IT into the LS/D ground very well.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
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Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This isn't a vent,though it may sound like one.
It's some deep thinking out loud and looking for answers.

DD told me the other day he has a very insulting ringtone on his ph for when I call and it's bothering her.

Since my last Dday of the false R Dec 5th I've hit my last I don't know what to call it.
Give a damn I guess.

He's full blown active into his A crap and online dating crap and I guess just chasing tail anywhere and anyway he can.

I feel like I was scammed (understatement) and it hurts so much.
I'm really struggling to understand why his dick is more important to him than me or our kids.
It doesn't even work very well anymore! hahahaha
I'm a good person and we have two of the best kids in the world.

DS has clammed up about the whole sitch.He's trying to the stoic macho boy.
He's 14! That's just so wrong his dad put him in this place.

DD is having all kinds of stress and problems about it.
She's 12 and has always been a "daddy's girl".
She comes to me and tells me that daddy did this or daddy did that and it's bothering her and she doesn't know what to do about it.

I'm at a loss as how to help her.
I can't really just say that daddy cares more about himself than her.
That makes me the bad guy.
I've worked really hard in the last yr to keep my mouth shut and not trash him around the kids.
But it's impossible to shield them from what he blatantly does or says in front of them or to them.

I guess my point is I'm not the only one dealing w/ all the FR's.
The kids catch the fallout too.
And that is as painful to me if not moreso than what he's done to me.

In a way I'm the lucky one.
I can D his sorry ass and be done w/ him.
But they're not so lucky.
That's their Dad, man.
One of the 2 most important people in a kids life that has some of the most influential effect on their lives.
And he's blowing it bigtime.

I've always had the attitude that everyone makes mistakes and we're all human.
But if we're trying to do the right thing and do right by other people than that counts for something.

It's just so painful that I feel overwhelmed by it all.

I'm thinking about telling him that I don't care if he wants to look like a dickhead in front of his kids and his his business insulting their mother but at one time he did love their mother and wanted to have kids with her.
And asking him how he thinks that makes the kids feel about him.

You know what the real pisser is about it?
I gave him that damn ringtone!

He needs a sign on his forehead that says "Caution! Fucktard at work!"

I had made some progress since the tailspin I went into last yr.
Now, it feels like I have to start so many things over and recover old painful ground that I never should've had to travel to begin with.

How do I deal with the FR's and how do I help the kids w/o looking bad to them?
They've already had so much put on their plate w/o him adding more.
It jes'keeps on comin'!


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
lorieann75
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Member # 17515
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This ones been tough..I belong here TOO- as well as in the Cyber Affair thread I guess.

From the moment I discovered the E/A (and found out just today it predated my "discovery" by months, which hurt worse) he showed HUGE remorse at the time, insisted we try MC, agreed to IC. Then counselor suggested we separate- two diff states. I found out in Nov. that he almost immediately resumed A with OW (who is married) Her husband knew, thought I did too- but I had no idea. He dangled R & was blameshifting/damaging/hurtful the whole time (from sept-nov 08) That HURT SO MUCH. I wish he'd just been HONEST when I left and warned me it was for good. I left everything I owned there- fourteen years worth of hard-earned things only 7 yrs of which were "ours". But the things meant little, it's things like albums, photos, journals (one of which his mother felt free to read I guess with me gone, and she's glad of that too) and my kitty who I miss terribly. Anyway...

On Nov. 25 he agreed to try R again and to begin NC. Claimed he needed help from IC to end it and how- I encouraged that- even sent him money to go... but right now i SERIOUSLY question NC and being 1600 miles away my odds are slim.

He was suppose to visit for my birthday (right after dday, obviously didnt happen) then thanksgiving (even just for closure, and to bring my things) then Christmas.. told me that was off just two days beforehand. OUCH.

Now it was this month. But I had to PAY for all of it as he's flat broke.. I was willing to do that IF I could be SURE there had been NC since Nov. 25th as he has told me, and have done some checking on that yest/today to make sure. If news is good... even despite that awful log I read today (see just found out post- OUCH OUCH) I MIGHT still be willing to face-to-face first time since dday and my departure Sept. fourth. Terrified of bad news.. confused even if good news.

Even tonight he dangled R as if I am the hungry animal and he the master. I have allowed him that power though, like a fool, because I DO love HIM unlike he loving me or so he says he doesnt like so many other WS's do.. and because I didnt find out about the 180/NC I could try till last week. I will try it again soon, I'm just feeling almost like held hostage due to my things being in FL & needing them, not to mention my kitty which for me- is my only "child". I don't know.. I don't even know if R is even WANTED at this point, but with him avoiding facing me since it happened, its very hard to have closure. Who knows? perhaps I would see his face, see the change in those eyes and be able to walk away so EASILY. I have before with bad partners. But how can I know until I do? And if I never do... oh nm sorry I'm rambling. But false R's.. ouch they are nearly as bad as a dday imo :(


BW : 32 (me)
WH : 27
Together/Engaged 7 years
DDay 1(EA) 08/27/2007
DDay 2(Phys) 10/07/2007
Status: I wanted R & MC but he chose the OW. Me & OWH both left in tatters. Hopeless

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Midwest
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, if I was *ventish*.
I'm all Triggery due to the *Happy Holidays*.
Perhaps this is the wrong thread to post in...its just that we DID have numerous false R's...& what I've posted has been IT in a nutshell.
He'll never meet anyone who has been so good to him & he has said this.
So...WHY???


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
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Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DL, we may never know.
It's bad enough not knowing so many things like who, what, where, when, why, and how.
But not knowing why we were GL'd and scammed and led on into FR's is just as bad if not worse than the original betrayal.

If they want to chase tail so bad why don't they just let us go?
It's like they're powertripping on the secret fact they're still fucking w/ our lives and when we find out, our minds.

Three out of the last four days, he's invited me to go down there and visit.
I think so he can laugh his ass off in front of me about secretly changing our Jan 2 court date.

Is it all about manipulation and mind games?
He didn't ask the judge for more time so we could work things out.
He did it so he could clean out all his assets that I'm supposed to get half of in the TO.
Supposedly this judge is supposed to be pretty smart and be able to tell when he's getting BS'd.
To me this just proves how good a liar my fucktard is.

He isn't interested in working things out with me.
He's lying to all his friends about me.
He's trying to make me look bad in front of the kids.
All this while chasing tail.

I'm to the point all I want is to be free of him and his crap.
I don't care about him chasing tail anymore.
Though it does piss me off he does it blatantly in front of the kids.
That's just whack.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is nothing quite like the feeling of False Reconciliation.

It was beyond devastating to me to know that I had put my heart and soul into trying to pull our marriage back together and he treated me like crap because he was still with the OW.
And the more he treated me badly the harder I tried.

I felt like such a fool.
And it was humiliation on top of the pain and anger and heartbreak.

However, dday 2 was also the day I discovered my backbone and the day that my H snapped out of the fog.

I'm sorry it hasn't been like that for everyone here.

Being brave enough (or stupid enough lol) to try again after false reconciliation is a huge thing.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, NA.

I do applaud myself for *really trying*, too.

Right down to joing a support group for Wives of bi/gay husbands (some of those M do work out with some fine tuning; there just has to be NO infidelity, however).

Heck, I was even willing to help him *out* of the closet, etc. (They advised me not to & I was puzzled. They said that it would hurt me much more, in the End, as he was enjoying his NEW Life...as I lay stuck back in mine; they were RIGHT.)

False R's gave me so much Hope!

I think WH just is a Cakeman...Con artist...whatever...yes, will never understand.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Heartless Bytchh
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Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being brave enough (or stupid enough lol) to try again after false reconciliation is a huge thing.

Yes.It costs you something of your soul and your very being.
It's a high price to pay.
I could see paying it once.MAYBE.
But after mutiple FR's I personally don't have enough in my account.
It's overdrawn and I'm running on bankrupt.

Him still being active and enjoying it just rubs salt into the wounds.

I used to believe in Karma as a "What goes around, comes around" thing but I sure haven't seen much come around to him that wasn't good or much come around to me that wasn't bad and made life harder.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
annben
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Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had several false R's. Like, more than 5.

I moved out after D-day. 22yo OW moved in. She dumped his ass shortly after for his friend.

First attempt at reconciliation, I became pregnant.

Ten weeks later, he tells me to get a lawyer, he wants a divorce.

Then he changes his mind. "let's work it out," he says. During this time he'd disappear for days at a time. I would worry if he was dead. When he finally did return, I found OW's # in his phone, although he thought he was crafty by listing her under a male name. (He did this before
D-day, too, just a different male name.)

Leaves "for good." Comes home a few weeks later. He's nice for a while, but always ends up getting mad for me "checking up on him."

My daughter is born 10/06. He's not around.

Try again 12/06. By March, 07 he dissappears for a week again.

June 07, I move, August 07, I tell him I'm filing, and wouldn't you know it? NOW, he "really wants to make it work."

I looked soooo stupid for soooo long. All I ever wanted was to believe what my husband was telling me. I WANTED to believe him because I LOVED him.

I LOVED him. I did.

I no longer do.

Yes, I can relate to false R.

(((everybody)))


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
annben
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Member # 8703
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to add, that I do admit, that each time we gave it another shot (make that, that *I* gave it another shot) I made life harder and harder for him, because of the lack of trust, and the fact that I was hating myself for not having the balls to tell him to get lost.

I lost all respect for him, and myself. Looking back, I must have been absolutely horrible to live with. No wonder he couldn't take it.

I finally grew those balls. Started liking myslef better. And I'm guessing I'm looking pretty damn attractive to him again.

Sigh.

What a fucking shame. What a fucking waste.

[This message edited by annben at 11:09 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]


D-Day 11/01/05

You can't close the door when the walls cave in.


Posts: 2765 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From:
kajsa
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Member # 12031
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure that I "qualify" as a false recon victim but the process was a failure nonetheless. We started counseling because of my concern about his having developed some kind of relationship with a stripper, any stripper, I had no proof. I wanted him to stop going to strip clubs, never liked it when he did, but insisted he stop altogether after I found out about his escort episode. He agreed to stop for awhile. This led to another round of counseling due to strip club issues (we had already done the counseling route with a different counselor re: the escort). Anyway, throughout the 10 months of counseling he insisted that he had no "special" stripper, whoever was dancing that night got his money. I was concerned more about this issue than the escort because he was seeing the same girls on a regular basis whereas the escort was a ONSx2 and lived a couple of hours away. These strip clubs are local. After 10 months of counseling and him swearing up and down that he had no ATF I find out, on my own, that he did indeed have an ATF, that he spent thousands, tens of thousands on her, that he took her to the casino one Saturday night while I was away at a family wedding, that he had her cell# and she had his and that they texted back and forth on a regular basis and that he was known in that club as "Lisa's guy" so no other dancer would approach him. He stopped seeing her, so he says, months before we started this second round of counseling. But throughout that counseling he flat out said that I was "spinning" things, I was crazy to think these things, and one night even called me a psycho because I insisted that I knew he wasn't being honest with me about his not having developed a relationship with a stripper. I don't know which hurts more, the fact that he expended so much emotion and money on this girl (for over a year) or the fact that he could let me believe that maybe I was beginning to lose my ablility to think clearly, that is, going crazy. So, even though he says he had no contact with this girl months prior to our counseling and reconciliation efforts, I still feel as though this probably is considered a false reconciliation. Whatever it was, it was extremely cruel. It gave me hope when there really wasn't any there.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: NJ
madseason
Member
Member # 13224
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here.

We had false R from November 2005 (Dday 1) until ????. He says he ended it in mid January of 2006 but I think it went on until he left the job (June 2006). OW was a coworker. He dragged his feet about finding a new job until I finally laid down an ultimatum. Find a new job by July 1 or get the F out. He says she cried and carried on when he finally left the job. She honestly thought he was going to leave me for her.

Anyway, i didn't find out about the false R until September of 2007 when he did his big "purge" of everything that i still didn't know.

Yep, feeling like a fucking fool would pretty much cover it. I was SURE that I was watching him like a fucking HAWK.

Final nail in the coffin for me.

It's kinda funny (in a sad way). I've seen on here so many times where people will say "You will just KNOW when it's over." And with that last d-day, I did. I just KNEW that was it for me.

He swears up, down, and sideways that it's been over since 2006.

It doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't trust him and I don't believe anything he says.

He cries and begs me not to D him. I have no reaction to his emotion. Cold as ice. And I hate feeling that way.


Lose my breath in waves
Knowing that every crash is bleeding the hourglass
And taking the stride
From all our lives

*Somewhere, far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach.*


Posts: 10283 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Southeast of Disorder
DMS88
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Member # 13461
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in a false reconciliation for ten months (that is assuming the affair is now over). What was really bad is when you look back to all the gaslighting that went on.

I mean he went out to do an errand that should have lasted two hours and he is gone 5 hours. He gave me all types of excuses and we had a huge fight. Today I thought back to that fight and now knowing that we were in a falce reconciliation, I know I was right... he was calling her.

But he made me feel like I was a horrible person for not trusting him. That I was paronoid and completely unfair to him.

Looking back I now see red. And unfortunately for me, when I try to call him on things like this he doesn't remember what he said.... yeah, he doesn't remember because it was all a lie and his head was so far up his butt he could do his own colonoscopy.


Me: 47 years old
Husband: 46 years old
Married: 22 years, together 25
Two children, 7 & 8
Discovered the affair: 4 Jan '07. It started in March '06.
Second D-Day 9 October 2007 (same woman).
Reconciling--hopefully not a false R

Posts: 1518 | Registered: Jan 2007
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