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User Topic: Married to a Bipolar
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Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It seems most of the psych meds wreak some degree of havoc with the patient as a sexual being: libido, ED, inability to climax, etc.

I don't specifically know about lithium, have you Google'd it? Why the xanax?

It's so hard to be dealing with the aftermath of infidelity with FWSO libido/performance issues thrown into the mix.

"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
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Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that I'm not able to offer advice to anyone here, but I have a BPD Delema...

Here's my brief story...

About 10yrs ago I was diagnosed with BPD right after my husband had a PA. My youngest child was 2 1/2 and his affair crushed me emotionally. I went to the doctors and they never tested me for anything, just diagnosed and I started on meds. My H rugsweeped his whole affair. I was so depressed that I had a R ONS and he found out 7 years later. There wasnt much to tell of the ONS, but I told him all the details. The meds started to slowly make me withdraw from life. We still did family things, had fun, I loved him very much. After putting the pieces together after his current EA (I think it was a PA) Our M and his emotional cruelty towards me during his EA made sense. I have to admit that while on the meds I was somewhat withdrawn, tired ALL the time, sleeping alot, not really wanting to go anywhere or do anything. During the last few years of the meds. I BEGGED him to go to the doctors with me..kept telling him something wasnt right with me. I started pounding at least 3 energy drinks a day to get energy. Tried exercising, new jobs. I was trying to get back to the "old me" I felt lost and alone. Everytime I asked him for help he would tell me that doctors wernt his thing and I needed to go myself and get my scripts changed. I sent him emails, tried talking to him, asked him to go to marriage counseling..Nothing worked, he wanted nothing to do with helping me. I was so fed up with my life at that point. Our M was awful. So I weened myself off the meds and went through DT's (by myself) Thats when I found out about his EA. His reasoning was because he was "alone in the marriage" wtf...I asked him for help and he refused. This all happened 19 months ago. Im still off the meds. and I am perfectly fine, actually I'm back to my old self. I honestly believe that I never had BPD. It was a combo of grief over his PA and Postparum. So for the last 10+ years I was on meds for nothing. My question is...everyone here seems to be really helping there spouses through the BPD. Did I deserve him cheating on me again? Would any of you even consider an A because you feel lonely in the marriage? I feel like it is all my fault I was diagnosed incorrectly!! I thought I needed the meds, but it turns out I did not. My H makes me feel like his loneliness was all my fault because I was so withdrawn. I always tell him that I begged for you to help me and all you ever did was yell and scream at me that I couldnt get things done. IDK anymore...any thoughts??

BS (Me): 37
WH: 40

Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: East Coast
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Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was diagnosed with BPD some months back, by his therapist whom he was seeing for affair issues. I was not shocked at this diagnosis, as I kind of suspected it for a while. But while he is getting great support from his therapist, and is on medication that is helping, I feel like I don't really have support, and I don't really understand the disorder very well, or know what I can do to make things easier for all of us. If anyone knows of a good support forum for spouses/ families, can you please PM me the info? I am really struggling

I am pessimistically optimistic

Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
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Funny  Posted: 9:06 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been married to my husband for 35yrs and have always thought we were soul mates. Three yrs ago he was admitted to hospital following a severe depression and remained there for 7wks. When he was discharged he was pretty low for a time and then settled. He told me that for most of his life since his early teens he had times when he felt troubled. As a family we were aware of quiet times but put this down to stresses at work. Approx 8 weeks ago I had to have him admitted again following a severe manic episode. We were told that he has bipolar. Again we had noticed periods when he was what we called "oh another obsession". He never appeared manic. During this last episode he admitted to an affair with my the BF. I have been in touch with her and she has confirmed this. It happened 32yrs ago and she says lasted approx 6wks. When I asked her why? She told me that she was unhappy in her marriage at that time and was flattered by my husbands attention. Not only were they having sex but he was saying and doing all the things her own husband wasn't!!!! I have been left shattered by this news and feel the last 32yrs have been built on lies. My husband - although he told me is saying that he wasn't seeing her for 6wks but mentioned other times when he thinks they were to-gether. If his memories are true the affair last for 3yrs!!! My problem now is - did it last that long? He says he can only see flashing images in his head and is not sure even if they are real. My friend has denied any further sexual relationship after the first time and says its just not true. Who can I believe? Added to all this now is the fear of more disclosures!!! My so-called exBF is now refusing to have any contact - I think she is worried that his bipolar is catching .I just wonder now if she hadn't have patched up her relationship with her husband - would mine still be with me. All he keeps saying is "I don't know" - "I can't remember" Anyone else experienced this ?

Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm married to a bi-polar. Over the last 2 years or so, her episodes have been getting worse and worse, to the point that the meds no longer effectively stabilize her highs and lows. This not coincidentally was the beginning of her acting out, which expressed itself in her as sleeping around with other men. 3 - 5 of them in the last 2 years, to my best knowledge, but really, I'll never know the full truth. That is of course why I am on this forum.

Yesterday I confronted my WW with evidence on the most recent PA and told her "My frst concern is for your safety. Second, we can no longer be married and no longer live together, here's why..." She is suicidal, and has been for a while. She has been getting IC for the BP for about 9 months now. The infidelity is not a hot topic in her IC, as there are larger issues that need more immediate attention.

I still care for the well being of my WW. How can you not help but care about someone who is sick and hope for their recovery? She is also still the mother of our children, and I hope she continues to be in their lives and her eventual grandchildrens' lives for a long time. Tonight she has told me that I was the rock that had tethered her sanity, and without me, all bets are off.

This is a classic rock and hard place problem. I don't have mental illness issues of my own, but seeing my WW get progressively worse gives me a great appreciation for how brutal this illness is. I don't doubt that the mood swings are extreme enough to instigate self-harm. On the other hand, I just can't be with a woman any more who can't keep other men out of our marriage. The violation, betrayal and physical grossness is just too much to bear.

One of her support group survivors has told her that 99% of marriages can't survive bi-polar, and that my WW should prepare for my eventual leaving. I hate to prove her right, as I thought I was stronger than this. But God damn if this isn't hard. My instinct to protect is in direct conflict with my instict to flee as fast as possible.

I'll admit that I have not read all 26 pages of this thread (although I cetainly will do so over time!), so there might already be some guidance in here.

Has anyone else found them selves in a similar situation?

DDay #1: December 4, 2011
DDay #2: April 20, 2013

Me: BH
Her: WW
Kids: 18 & 16

R for 17 months, turned out to be false R. Starting the D process.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2011
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Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi - sorry to hear your story. I posted my message recently and you will see it above.
I like you am struggling to come to terms not only about my husbands Bipolar but also his affair with my BF. He is now trying to put it down to an illness he has had he thinks since being a teenager. If that is the case - why was he faithful since then? I too have heard some really sorry tales about life with a manic depressive and like you wonder if it would be easier to walk away? Its been so hard for me recently to care for him because of what he did. He says he can't live without me and since this disclosure happened he has been by my side trying to make ammends. I have told him that I am finding it difficult to be near him but at this time I have nowhere else to go!!! He is coming out with crazy reasons why he had the affair and although he remembers being with her he says his memory is so bad after all this time - he can't remember what was the draw to her. I can't face the R because I don't know what is going on in his head. I worry if I leave him and he then tries something stupid - will my adult children blame me? Also what if the next manic episode is way more severe - will he look elsewhere again? He is currently doing ok on meds but for how long? And what happens next if they stop working? You like me must feel this is a black hole that we have been pushed into and will we ever get out I hope you find some peace - I wish I could x

Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KITN - I haven't read all the pages, either, but I probably should. My WH told me long ago that his mother was diagnosed with BP and has been on meds for as long as he can remember. She was hospitalized for a bit.

During the A, he told me that he was BP but has always refused meds. He told me that he was suicidal but wouldn't do it because of our young kids.

It's a lot to take. I try to understand...but I can't because (at least I think) I'm emotionally healthy.

I, too, struggle with staying in this and trying to help or just walking away. My WH says he's not sure he wants to work it out but actions prove otherwise (he calls every day, escalates if I ignore him, etc.). It's a lot to deal with. On the one hand, I want to help him and can't imagine just wanting to walk away from a mentally ill person. On the other hand, he has to want to help himself, right? I'm strong but he makes me waver sometimes...and I don't want to be brought down with him. I doubt that would ever happen but, you know, I need to protect my sanity and that of my children.

It's a difficult road and I, personally, think I should divert and go another direction. But...I'm a fighter and it's a tough call. Anyway, you've been heard. :)

BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
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Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This whole thread is a fantastic help and highly recommended for anyone finding themsevles in this horrible place. Make sure you have a notepad ready. I personally have cut'n'pasted a lot of information out of this thread into another document for quick reference.

In particular, there is a post on page 21 by just_hurt that starts with this: "I am a husband. A Father. I am married. She is the mother of my Sons. She is my Wife. She has Bipolar Disorder."

It is an incredible message, and makes me cry every time I read it. I read it quite often.

My challenge is this: I want to forgive her, and indeed the brain in my head already realizes that the HBPD was probably at fault for her actions. My heart, however, is shattered. I don't know how to repair it, but I do know that it will never be the same. You can glue a fine piece of crystal back together after you break it, but it still has cracks in it afterwards. And sometimes little pieces are missing. And it is much easier to break again...

The BPD illness didn't become hypersexual right away. It expressed itself as her being quick to anger, lots of fights over stupid little stuff, that kind of thing. She was also highly productive and devoted to her family. Unfortunately, that turned hypersexual about the time she hit about 40, and led to various EAs and PAs. From my reading and research this is typical - it just gets worse at 40 or so. Just about the time you have 15 years of devotion and hard work put into a marriage, this fucking illness comes along with a vengeance to sabotage it. It didn't help that she was either unmedicated for most of this period, or only on an anti-depressant, which again, I now know only exacerbates manic episodes.

What I realize now is that HBPD is a medical disease. I am not saying that what she did is right, but I do acknowledge that this mental illness tricks her, and inhibited her judgement and decision making. She is in true remorse, is committed to her meds, and is in IC. The latter two were inconceivable as little as 6 months ago. I have realized that she has been suffering at the hands of this illness for our whole marriage - part of what attracted me to her was (in retrospect), the high-energy brought on by her mania. Her actions are not necessarily a reflection on me, but rather a result of the disease.

It still hurts deeper than any hurt I have ever felt.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Earth
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Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those tryig to hang on because they believe after a devorce their spouse may just wake up and realize their mistakes and be full of regret but it would be too late... well, we are divorced. He has said he is sorry for the affairs and how he hurt me (yet continues to date and tell me all about his nice girlfriend without once realizing how his words hurt), he regrets how he spent money frivolously and job hopped so promised he would take care of his support payments and keep a steady job (he has already lost his job and been on short term disability, now he can't keep his support up but still manged to take vacations and airplane trips all the while crying how he cant pay me), he realizes his son is everything to him (he only sees him once or twice a week if I bring him over to his apartment).
As you can see, he is full of so-called regrets but still does the same old -same old. Don't hold on to a marriage worrying you may miss his/her miraculous recovery with the divorce. If they want to be better, they should want it now and show thier commitment now. Unless you have that, nothing will ever really change.

"I shall Forgive and Forget.
Forgive myself for being stupid and Forget about you."

Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Central Florida
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Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My WH was diagnosed with BP in February this year. He is 55yrs old. I always thought BP was a long term illness?
WH says he had low mood most of his adult life. As a family we never suspected anything was wrong. Sometimes he would have quiet periods - he says he never knew anything was wrong with him and always felt it was just who he was

Even Dr. says he is very old to have such a severe Mania at his age without previous episodes ????

Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds very much like Nearly ExH and makes me even more sad. It seemed a lot like something in him simply...snapped...and I think it was such a high time of stress he started the A and cheating that it was in a manic period.

Subsequent to that, there is this cloud burst of shopping activity that he's going through and "we" aren't doing well financially, so this has bothered me constantly, but there's nothing I can do or say-he bites my head off if I try to talk about it.

He did many of these things that all of you write of and has been diagnosed with some other things, like the narcissism, which also helps me learn how to be when he appears for DD visits.

It's a real shame. His personality is drastically different-it's as if more than one person are in the same person's body and his appearance also changes from time to time. Heavy one time, thinner one time, gaunt or fine the next.

I am sad for him and have great pity in stronger minutes, because the OW he chose appears very, very juvenile and this supports the type of personality he's got now. He's like a kid in a grown up's body and only wants fun, so boy do I suck!, with all my rules and trying to do things the right way and not twice.

Here's another one-if you question him, he will bolt. Do any of you witness this, also? If you try to speak of it at all, he will mock and snicker and then bolt, too.

He's doing things he couldn't tolerate before or had real fears of and has rewritten our life in almost complete lies.

Some of these meds are scary, I've been on them for anxiety, so I will just say, be weary of side affects or of weaning off right away or without a doctor's ok.

I wish you all luck with a BPD person in your life-it's crazy making at it's finest and almost had me convinced I was going bezerk.

Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge

Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
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