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User Topic: Married to a Bipolar
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been going back through the posts trying to find something I think someone mentioned once about a BP significant other support site/mailing list...anyone know what I'm referencing? (or just know of one) Please post or PM me.

Thanks!


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
js_girl
♀ Member
Member # 34797
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, April 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BPWH accidentally got cc'd on an email my father-in-law sent to me returning one of mine. Nothing seriously huge in it, but WH, of course, is feeling seriously persecuted right now.

After telling me this week he wants a divorce (1 month into meds that were upped 2 weeks later, 2 months into therapy, less than 3 months from DDay, I asked him to give me some time to think about things before we sit down and talk about how to divide things up, custody, etc. He feels that he's doing the right thing in giving me space that I asked for, and that he's "just trying to find a life I can live. I love how much credit everyone gives me, its very encouraging."

Up to this point the ONLY information we've gotten about his therapy and progress has been from him only. No one has been allowed to speak to his therapist, psychiatrist, or any doctor or counselor he's seen. He has provided information, but not engaged in discussion, asked no opinions, nor has he actually deigned himself to ask for help, only been sarcastic about it not being offered unconditionally. He has not apologized for his actions (i.e. remaining in the A), only explaining them by way of "I'm doing what I need to do to get through the day." He has withdrawn from anyone who has spoken their opinion directly to him, and avoided contact with others who are likely to do the same.

I'm at a loss. Please tell me that I'm not crazy, that he is, in fact, beyond the realm of reasonable expectations. NO ONE knows how to be supportive of him, especially considering that his requirement for that is believing everything that he says, no matter if its the exact opposite of what he claimed the week before, and that we are all expected to take his word on everything. He won't allow anyone to speak to his therapist, I imagine he expects us to become educated about BP on our own time, since we're expected to be extremely sympathetic with what he's going through, but becomes exceptionally angry and defensive when anyone offers an opinion on how his actions seem to be in direct hypocrisy with what the therapy is expected to be. He's claiming divorce is the best option, right now, immediately, when everything in reason says differently.
Part of my problem is that right now he is *speaking* rationally. Or at least he sounds like it. He's very good.
Please tell me I'm not crazy.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
2 beautiful baby boys
DDay 1: 2/8/12
TT til DDay 2: 3/3/12
Status: R as of 5/6/12
WRONG: FALSE R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((js_girl)))

I am SO sorry you are going through this mess; infidelity is godawful enough, but to have a DDay tied to what should've been one of the happiest times of your life (or so we grow up believing) AND be dealing with the black box that is bipolar disorder....you are one hell of a strong woman! I just know how bad it sucks to have no choice but to BE that strong woman.

The egocentrism exhibited during a BP manic/hypomanic phase is very difficult to deal with. You, the loving/grounded spouse seem to get to get cast in the role of negative spoiler, always so down on the BP spouse. It's so inaccurate and patently unfair; however, I almost see it as the Mr. Hyde side senses you risk his ability to have control of the wheel. It can be sad, scary, and tragic.

The illogical becomes totally real and/or sensible to them, it seems. Righteous indignation is a common theme I've seen and heard about from others. We're very fortunate (or at least I am, because I feel sometimes my H hasn't always seen the value) to have experienced, good professional help with this. Between our IC/MC team and my H's psych doctor, there are decades of knowledge and experience. My H's pdoc has often described the mindset of the BP person in a manic state as like the drunk who thinks he/she is fine to drive, and gets sneeringly pissed off at anyone who suggests otherwise or takes away the car keys. I can relate to that. I've experienced an "if you're not WITH me, you're AGAINST me" mindset as well during bad times.

If I were a psychiatrist or psychologist seeing a BP patient, I'd really want to talk with them first at length, but then also talk with their significant other(s). I just don't think these professionals can get the full picture without that input, because in the hypomanic's mind, they're like Tony the Tiger: grrrrrrrreat! Problems? What problems? They're pissed off because the irritant was proportional to their anger (not, generally), they're completely realistic relative to their plans (while others look at them askance), their emotions are very real and totally valid. It goes against human nature to not believe one's emotions; I think generally more women than men may understand emotions can sometimes not be 100% valid thanks to our ol' friend, PMS....not true for all women, but some certainly, myself included.

I don't think you're crazy or unreasonable or any such thing. It sounds like you love your WH and are trying to preserve your marriage and family but are currently stuck dealing with the Mr. Hyde side of him.

I don't think you shoud rush into anything (like D); however, it is not easy to R, it is not easy to be dealing with BPD in a relationship under the best of circumstances, and it is impossible IMHO to do either until he gets stabilized. If he is unwilling to do whatever is required to do even THAT (and to me this includes allowing the input and involvement from those who are affected by his mood swings, his family), then you may have to walk away as awful as that prospect is. You can't do the heavy lifting for both of you.

P.S., as dominant a theme as the havoc in your marriage is at present, try your best to take lots of photos of your new baby and your older child. You'll be glad you did, regardless of the future outcome of it all.

[This message edited by sad12008 at 11:18 AM, May 1st (Tuesday)]


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I were a psychiatrist or psychologist seeing a BP patient, I'd really want to talk with them first at length, but then also talk with their significant other(s).

I switched IC's in August of 2010 and this is exactly what he did -- and I'd been stable according to my former IC for 4 years.

js_girl: you cannot R with a person who is still in an A and you cannot have a marriage with an unstable bipolar person. Period. I consider an unmedicated or unstable bipolar person to be the same as a hard core drug user. All you can do is do what is best for you and your kids, assuming that nothing will ever be any different than it is right now, today.

If he does end the A and get well, he may come back and fight for all of you -- but it takes a long time to stablize bipolar and even then he may want to move forward. I was 100% compliant in my treatment back when I started in 2005 and it took 6 months to stabilize me. Even now, I've never been the same. I had to make a lot of lifestyle choices to reduce stress, sleep more, etc. And I still have days when I'm really grumpy. It doesn't go away. It can be managed, if you do it dilligently. If you don't -- it will only get worse.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
js_girl
♀ Member
Member # 34797
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's where things are at right now: I dropped off a letter to his therapist yesterday, detailing a timeline of events, texts and a hostile email exchange with his dad, yesterday. Both his dad and I feel that, at the very least, WH has been fudging what he's hearing from his IC to justify whatever it is that he wants to do at the time; at most, he's outright lying to either his family or to his IC about what he's doing outside of therapy, or the "recommendations" he's receiving. I'm not sure of WH's next appointment, but IC may choose to ignore my letter, read it & use nothing, or confront WH with it. If so, WH may choose to never mention it to me, or he may blow up because I dared to interfere with his therapy.
At this point, all I want is time. While I'm not fond of being separated, I'm dealing with it and understand the need. I don't want to rush therapy, his or mine, and I understand that things may take a long time to stabilize. I understand that our marriage may not work out in the end. I'm just not ready to give up now.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
2 beautiful baby boys
DDay 1: 2/8/12
TT til DDay 2: 3/3/12
Status: R as of 5/6/12
WRONG: FALSE R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
traildad
♂ Member
Member # 35258
Helpless  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone - new here to this thread. I had an IC session today and my IC had me log my WW's moods, activities, etc. this week and he is convinced she is in a "hypomania" bipolar state right now. She fits nearly every description, and only 3 are required for diagnosis. She has never been previously diagnosed as BP. This is all new to me, I will be catching up on some reading on this thread. Any suggestions on where to start? Especially regarding getting her to recognize and get help before it's too late?

My WW wants D right now so she can continue her A, but now this BP revelation makes a lot of sense, and I don't want to see our M ended while she is making decisions in this state of mind.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
js_girl
♀ Member
Member # 34797
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Traildad:

Oy, same situation here. It took 3 months post-dday, 2 months into therapy and diagnosis, and more than a month on meds before fWH could summon the will to leave OW. He simply wasn't stable enough to deal with it, or much of anything, for a while. It was really, really hard to deal with the revelation of the A and other infidelities, then to top it off with a BP diagnosis that now has to be dealt with!! And the fact that he has to focus on that, his work towards stability; God only knows how long it will be before we can actually address OUR existing problems and the A itself, the betrayal, and my pain.
Its a long, long road. Its requiring insane amounts of patience and acceptance from me. I was lucky in that fWH searched out a diagnosis and readily accepted it, but he's struggled with the lifestyle changes involved and the need for stability.
I don't know that there's much you can do for your W to accept her diagnosis and get help- that's up to her. You can encourage her to read up on BP and hope she'll recognize the signs, but if she's hypomanic right now she may not accept what she reads. The best you can do is educate yourself as much as possible, and take care of YOU. I'd recommend joining a support group- bpso.org has an online mailing list that serves as a forum, and its been *fantastic* for me to connect with other spouses that live with this in their lives. Even if she doesn't get help, you need to know what you're dealing with.
PM me if you have more questions or just need to vent, and good luck. Its hell to go through on its own, and adding the A....ugh.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
2 beautiful baby boys
DDay 1: 2/8/12
TT til DDay 2: 3/3/12
Status: R as of 5/6/12
WRONG: FALSE R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
oldtimer97
♀ Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This just came out in the news yesterday...unfortunately the man is bipolar.

http://gma.yahoo.com/ipad-video-chat-catches-massachusetts-murder-142420415--abc-news-topstories.html

First, I hoped it was no one here. I can't help but think infidelity happened in their relationship. Although it's also probable she pulled away from him just because of the disease, due to the bent of hypersexuality, it makes me wonder. The victim sounded like she was getting her own life going and was leaving or had left him behind.

http://gma.yahoo.com/ipad-video-chat-catches-massachusetts-murder-142420415--abc-news-topstories.html

Second I wondered if he's been misdiagnosed, however the headlines or google searches are full of murders by bipolars..I'm guessing not medicated or compliant. I think the risk of violence is something those of us here need to be aware of & keep in the back of our minds, most recently amidreaming???

I mentioned a few months ago, looking for a proper diagnosis for fWH which continues, no thanks to an inappropriate session w/a psychiatrist. I can't really reveal the facts because it would personalize it too much, but the paranoia/hatred I've seen during the mania & articles like this reminds me this is a quest I need to continue, not just for his own good, but my peace of mind as well.

I'll also add this article from bipolarcentral as another cautionary measure to be heeded:

http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/2008/02/murder-violence-and-bipolar-disorder.html

[This message edited by oldtimer97 at 4:27 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3168 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
js_girl
♀ Member
Member # 34797
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H is not f, he is WH. He came home last weekend, sent NC letter to OW, but apparently has maintained contact with her all week. This, while planning our3rd anniversary getaway in two weeks, and preparing to get away this weekend- we even bought new camping gear.
Hehad his IC appointment this morning, and of course comes out of it full of doubts about being home. Says he was giving it the time I wanted. Says right now he wants to be with OW but doesn't want to leave his family destitute.
I've been making healthy meals for him, giving him space when he requested it, encouraging good activities. He spokee of the need for getting better sleep this week, but he skipped practicing his guitar for the first time tonight and is now at OWs.
The continuation of contact with her was my one dealbreaker for him moving back home. This evening, he wouldn't discuss with me what was going on or why he was choosing to do what he's doing. Flat, unaffected speech. I suspect he's in a depressive episode. However, it doesn't change what he's doing, and what i can't live with.
He's refusing to move out of the house, and clearly refusing to leave her. At this point, I don't know that i can do anything but initiate divorce.
This is the last thing I want, but I don't see therapy helping him, or his meds that much. He's not stable; HE won't initiate the divorce, and I feel like he's trying to force my hand so he can't be held accountable for it. He won't live on his own, and he won't move in with her.
Does this seem like a rational mind?
I think right now he's so consumed by guilt that he doesn't know what to do. He's acknowledged how unhealthy things are with her, the stress he feels...yet, there he is. Jeopardizing his sleep, and his job performance, which he know is drastically important, over her.
Tonight sucks, hard.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
2 beautiful baby boys
DDay 1: 2/8/12
TT til DDay 2: 3/3/12
Status: R as of 5/6/12
WRONG: FALSE R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my H saw his psych dr yesterday (I was dis-invited from attending) and they spoke about decreasing his meds, specifically Seroquel (he's on 300 mg/day). "We'll see how that goes..."

I hope it goes well for my H, and maybe it will; however, I just have to say I wish the doctors and therapists got to live with the actual in-home effects of some of these things. "It didn't work out" is a distillation of the experience of weeks of distance, or dark depression, or simmering irritation just waiting for something to allow it to boil over. My H is weary of taking all these meds and still randomly becoming depressed; I'm weary of it all (I hate him feeling so depressed, but since he seems to have a general blindness to when he's got the rest of us tiptoeing around due to his irritability +/or agitation, I feel like I suffer through that without him).

It's been recommended to him by our couples counselors and his psych dr. to get a second opinion on his diagnosis. I hope he will do that. He says he doesn't meet the DSM-IV criteria for BP and thinks he has just MDD. I hope he will follow through on that; all complaints and no action would not be cool. Moreover, I think it could either help give him some peace with the current diagnosis or maybe (if it's a different diagnosis) put him on a course of treatment that is more consistently successful. Though really, he's been on successful treatment through all this; it has been the sexual side effects that he could not tolerate and which drive him to start wanting to change meds and that in turn starts the roulette wheel spinning again...which has rather consistently landed him in a bad spot.

Soooooo, wish us well, please.


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
oldtimer97
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Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad12008,

I'm just a bit concerned that 1)you were dis-invited to the meeting
2)your H is essentially sick & tired of being sick & tired
3)wondering if you've confirmed both counselor & doc are recommending he seek a 2nd opinion.
4)"He says he doesn't meet the DSM-IV criteria for BP and thinks he has just MDD"

The 2nd opinion isn't a bad thing in itself, but I also don't think "just" MDD is a great diagnosis either.

Do you think there's any chance your H is going rogue on you & is either trying to eliminate/downgrade his medication in hopes of bamboozling another doctor and lord forbid, getting one that might give him the wrong anti-D that would also give him mania?

I'm sure each of us have read the large percentage of BP's that are non-compliant because they miss the mania or possibly in his case, also that hypersexuality component. I will throw in one thing tho. Has his doctor checked his testosterone levels. Low T, as it's nicknamed, also brings depression.


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3168 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
js_girl
♀ Member
Member # 34797
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know whether to post here or in D/S, it qualifies for both, mods, please decide for me.
Divorce is back on. We had a fairly good week of what I thought was the beginnings of reconciliation, but it turns out that NC was bull. Although WH says that he talked to her, he wasn't in a relationship with her.
Really? Cause, I thought the whole NC thing was pretty clear. It certainly was in the letter he sent her initially.
I found out yesterday after I asked how his appointment with IC went. Apparently, he wasn't doing well at home, not at peace with the decision, it was nothing I was doing or not doing, just general stress. He said I wanted him to give it time and that was what he was doing, but the added stress of our relationship wasn't helping. He was giving it the time I wanted. When asked what HE wanted, he said right now the OW, but he didn't want to leave his family destitute. I told him to go be with her, to stop lying about loving me, that I was done with 3 people being in this relationship, that I was sorry for his stress but I'd done nothing but be supportive, etc. He said he didn't fault me for this. After a few more words, I asked him flat out if he'd ever stopped talking to her; he said "No, I was never able to."
I said he chose not to, that when he came home he could pack a bag and call a lawyer. He said he'd stay in the guestroom, I said go stay with your girlfriend, he said he couldn't and that wasn't my call, it was HIS house and he wasn't paying rent when he paid a huge mortgage and I was welcome to stay as long as I liked.
So, tonight he tried to initiate a conversation about what we were going to do in the divorce. I gave him one last chance to fix things with us, or divorce, and he immediately chose divorce. Then three arguments ensued. He's placing pretty much all the blame on me; his at-the-time undiagnosed BP II isn't even something he considers; when I make mention of it being a factor in our poor dynamic, he screams that I ALWAYS blame everything on that! Whuh? He's told me at different moments that coming home to reconcile this past week was due to either me bullying him, or he was making a go of it for our boys' sake (they're babies, they don't have a clue as to what's going on), or he was giving it the old college try to see if he could handle it- this, of course, while he's claiming to be deeply in love with OW; I'm not sure how she felt about his making yet another attempt at him coming home to me, but somehow he's justified it. Apparently, I should have not overreacted when he said he wanted to divorce; it was what he wanted a month ago. Well, God, I took him for his WORD when he came home to me! I never suggested it! HE DID! HE wanted to come home, for MANY reasons, which *included* loving me and missing me! I asked him over and over, at the beginning and throughout the week, is this what you want? Is this STILL what you want? Be honest and open, that's all I ever ask, just tell me the truth. Always, always, he said yes.
He tried to back pedal on that tonight by claiming he told me many times that he was having a hard time. Nope, not once, dear. NOT. ONCE.
He initiated conversations only to get super angry, yelling, because I kept coming back to why I didn't want a divorce, why he was doing the wrong and unhealthy thing choosing to be with OW; he's freak out and walk away, stomping off to the guestroom, only to reappear 10 minutes later, trying to discuss divorce proceedings again. It didn't matter when I said "I'm not talking about anything having to do with divorce tonight, we can discuss it later." 4 times I said this. He kept pushing and pushing and pushing, which, sadly, is a tactic **I** used to use and try very hard not to anymore, in no small part because he HATES IT. He wants one lawyer, I want my own; for the man with horrible impulse control problems who spends money like water, he's suddenly gotten very frugal with funds when it comes to the divorce that HE'S intent on getting. A month ago it was the same thing, I was the shithead for daring to express what I was willing to do and why, and all he throws in my face is that not cooperating with him fully will only result in wasting money which could be better spent on the care of our children.
This is what he uses against me. I left my job and school so I could stay at home with our first baby and then our second, and I've been managing our finances because he, as a software engineer who is 80 times better at math than me, couldn't get the bills paid on time.
But its all my fault for being abusive, and wasteful with money and clearly not thinking of my babies' well-being. He's just a man in love, and is just trying to live his life. I'm clearly preventing him from doing that by daring to raise my concerns. If I'm so full of shit, why does he stick around to listen to me?
I know, I should NOT have engaged in anything resembling a conversation with him tonight. There was nothing productive to be had from it...but I was so frigging shocked. We ordered a new comforter and duvet for our bed this week. They just arrived. As did my new motorcycle helmet and bluetooth; we were supposed to go to a motorcycle rally and camp this weekend, to have a fun relaxing weekend away together. Oh, and our 3rd anniversary is in a couple weeks, we have reservations for a b & b in a town we both love for another weekend away, just the two of us. Guess I'm canceling that in the morning.
I have no idea if he was full of shit then, or is full of shit now. I haven't been dealing with this long enough to be able to tell the difference. Each time he's convincing as hell. He's been utterly, utterly positive that he wants to be with me, and then just as serious about not loving me at all.
I feel warped. Broken. Run through the ringer. I don't know whether to drag my feet to see if he comes out of this, or give up for good. I swore I wouldn't, I meant my vows. I'm just so tired of not knowing which way is up anymore.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
2 beautiful baby boys
DDay 1: 2/8/12
TT til DDay 2: 3/3/12
Status: R as of 5/6/12
WRONG: FALSE R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 17th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think there's any chance your H is going rogue on you & is either trying to eliminate/downgrade his medication in hopes of bamboozling another doctor and lord forbid, getting one that might give him the wrong anti-D that would also give him mania?

I'm sure each of us have read the large percentage of BP's that are non-compliant because they miss the mania or possibly in his case, also that hypersexuality component. I will throw in one thing tho. Has his doctor checked his testosterone levels. Low T, as it's nicknamed, also brings depression.

Thanks for your response, ot97, you raised some good points. Fortunately, I don't think he's trying anything to be manipulative; I think he's struggling mightily with denial and uncertainty in regard to his diagnosis. He keeps saying, "where's the hypomania? When do I get to be all happy and full of energy?? I don't have it, I don't BP." He hates the idea of having to take so many meds and of course the very real & very upsetting side effects.

Very good point about the testosterone, hopefully others may see that and have the question put into their minds if they are not already aware of the depressive impact of hormonal issues. He's got that going on, too, and has been on HRT for a couple/several years now. He's a "complex case" we're told, between the hormonal stuff, the BP, and the ADD. Any singular symptom could be attributed to more than one of those elements! I've done graphs plotting hormone levels against mood, trying to zero in on what is his optimal level. Every male should get a baseline hormone level check before middle age so they know their personal level; the "range" may be 300-800, but if everyone's optimal setpoint is unique....and trial and error to find that setpoint is no fun and takes a lot of time.

Now he's backpeddling on the 2nd opinion, saying, "what good would come of it? Someone sees me for 90 minutes and they're supposed to be able to tell what's wrong with me?" etc. etc. My feeling is it could be beneficial to him in accepting the diagnosis if another diagnostician were to say, "frequently hypomania is dysthymic, the main 'symptom' is irritability" or otherwise help him understand that there's variability in symptom presentation. Or if the diagnostician says, "I dont' think you have BP, I think you have (__________)", then that's good because he can check that diagnosis out. He either needs to be able to buy into his current diagnosis or have help finding a diagnosis that fits better. I don't think that diagnosis will be MDD, though, I really don't; however, though I'm well-read I'm not the doctor so I defer to him or her (unless it came up totally outlandish, in which case I'd suggest a 3rd opinion.


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
stilllovingher
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Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 17th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad12008:
maybe show him this page...
www.psycheducation.org/depression/Waves.htm

i was under the impression that these elements were all linked, this article clearly shows that mood,energy and "intellect" can follow their own cycles.
and it also explains, a bit, what the overall mood swing will look like for the different variations.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
La Traviata
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Member # 14941
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 17th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggled with my BP diagnosis for a long time. I eventually came to the conclusion that I had good doctors who took more than just my diagnostic label into consideration, so I'll get good care despite not being a "textbook case."

Like your H, Sad, my manic/hypomanic states are extremely unpleasant. I get nervous and panicky, like I'm in "fight or flight" overdrive. I very very very rarely have happy hypomania, and when I do it's really hard for me to recognize at the time. My BP mainly manifests as deep, deep depression that can last for months and resists treatment.

I know my experience won't change the way your husband thinks, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone and that it can get better. It took me over a decade, but I've finally found the right meds and have been stable for over a year. As much as D-Day and my husband's hospitalization rocked me to the foundation, those events did not trigger a depressive episode.


me: BW 31
him: WH, 29
DDay: 4/16/12
RelapseDay:4/15/13

A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: NOVA
js_girl
♀ Member
Member # 34797
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 17th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After listening to a lot of input on the bipolar significant others support group online (bpso.org)- from a lot of other people who have been through the ringer and back, I think I've discovered one of the biggest problems right now- WH knows he's bipolar, takes his meds, but is thoroughly convinced that he's stable right now, cannot be convinced otherwise, despite rampant evidence to the contrary. Whether or not he's in an episode is extremely hard to gauge, but he has flipflopped back and forth, is still lacking impulse control, has changed his opinion on numerous things wildly, given varying reasons for actions taken, and absolutely absurd reasons for others. Rational discourse with him is often impossible, or expecting a rational response to reasonable requests.
I'm not sure how to get the divorce discussion off of the table at this time- I seriously think its a terrible time to decide that; he's motivated by his wonky emotions of "love" for OW, and his complete blame of me for our "disastrous" marriage. He won't accept the possibility that his perception of things that went wrong in our marriage may be skewed- he wasn't diagnosed until a month after DDay- and he claims that his IC says he's stable on meds. From *everyone* I've heard from the likelihood of this is slim to none.
I'm trying to stay away from the discussion and find a way for things to remain in limbo right now- divorce would only serve to financially disable both of us, and I personally feel that its way, way to early in treatment to make that decision.
I'd love more input on this.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
2 beautiful baby boys
DDay 1: 2/8/12
TT til DDay 2: 3/3/12
Status: R as of 5/6/12
WRONG: FALSE R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
DestroyedDad
♂ Member
Member # 33525
Content  Posted: 9:59 PM, May 17th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All,

I've been lurking here for a while, but today need to ask for some shared wisdom.

For anyone who has decided to leave a seriously ill BP WS - how do you accept that WS may not be able to make it on their own? My WW is so checked out all the time, in spite of continued adjustments to medication that I just feel I have to get myself and my kids away from her, but I still worry about what will happen to her and how the kids, especially DS14, will be affected if she goes way off the deep end once we are apart.

There has been no remorse, no effort towards real R from her, virtual silence for months now. I truly fear for her safety, but I've just given all I can to her and feel that I have to now take care of me and the boys.

Sorry for the rambling...

One more question - I know it seems wrong, but I still feel like the BP is a result of her LTA, and not the other way around....is that possible? It's how I feel, I'm just not sure it could be true...

Thanks for listening.

DD


D-Day - 8/18/11
Me: BH - 42
Her: WW - 42
Kids - 14 & 9
OM: 63 - her boss
Headed for S then D.

Posts: 121 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: USA
LostnFound412
♂ New Member
Member # 33905
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"DestroyedDad"
You may have finally hit the point were you have realized you and the children need to be taken care of and protected from your WW. I went through the same thing. It is very hard to "walk away" from someone you have grown to love but who still causes you so much hurt at the same time. My choice simply came down to the options of trying to help someone who not willing to help themselves or helping and protect those who are being harmed by that person. If it was just me I may have stayed and lived in depression and pain for the rest of my life (IC taught me many things about my self and I would no longer still make that same choice) but since I have a SS who was being really effected by his Mom and I had to opportunity to have SS live with me and both of us move on I realized his needs and mine were much more important then chasing a dream that will never be csught. I do not say anything bad about her and I still tell him at some point in the future they may have a more normal relationship but I no longer try to force it or make promises that things will get better between them. I have him in IC and so am I and we each are working on dealing with our own issues and those that we were caught up in. The circle needed to end and I am going to do my best to see that it does. Love you children and take care of them since they are still to young to protect themselves. Good Luck with your choices and if you choose to leave have a plan and stick to it cause all hell will break lose at some point.


Me - 45 and moving on
Her - 40 and still doing what she does best
SS - 15 and struggling with her actions but making progress being with me

Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: PA
js_girl
♀ Member
Member # 34797
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this really the man that I married? I'm feeling that today. I have no idea currently if his actions these days are due to the BP, or if its just the person he is. Did I really marry a man who could throw his marriage away? Who could treat the mother of his children with such blatant disrespect? Who is actually this selfish? Who truly believes that this woman he's known since December is worth all this; that he's throwing away his friendships and relationships with family members to be with her?
Does he really lack the insight to see the problems in our marriage for what they really were, and continue to choose to blame me for "breaking" him?
Is he really going to raise his sons thinking THIS is how marital problems are handled? That adultery is acceptable is you are IN LOVE with the other person and just DON'T want to try and fix your marriage?
ALL of this is contrary to *everything* I knew about him. His ethics, values, morals. And we're not talking 20 years ago. We're talking *3*.
In that short a time, can someone really throw away their value system? He's valued being a father so much, taken such pride in it, expressed such a need to set a good example...how does he plan on explaining to our two sons as they grow up how he's acted? Does he not realize they'll view infidelity as excusable?
This is not the man I married. This is not the man I knew. He either fooled me into thinking that, fooled himself into thinking he was that man, or is fooling himself now, at my expense.
Lost today. Sad today. Confused today. Wish there was clarity and understanding.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
2 beautiful baby boys
DDay 1: 2/8/12
TT til DDay 2: 3/3/12
Status: R as of 5/6/12
WRONG: FALSE R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
mistyalone
♀ New Member
Member # 35031
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 3rd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jsgirl

I totally understand. You need to do what is best for you and your children. If that means taking more time to decide if D is right for you, then take it. About the only thing we BS's have a lot of is time.
My WH is telling me one thing and doing another. My gut tells me that the A is still going on, he swears it is not. I am lost too...my MC is with me and is going to try to help me get through this any way she can. She understands my pain and agrees that there is no marriage with three people.
I though R was going to be possible, but without truth from him it is not. I think he is stable now...but I am not sure I know what stable looks like anymore.
I hope you have a good support system...get that where ever you can. And get yourself to a IC for you. At least you can tell IC anything and they will not judge you for your opinions or your decisions.
Read the healing library and check out bipolar sites.
God bless you and your kids.


Me BW 40 Him WS 44 Kids 15, 16
M 19 Together 21
Said he wants D 1/?/12
D-Day of EA 2/17/12 & 2006 ONS
Admit 3/15/12 5/21/12 Out of fog. FalseR. R 6/15/3/12. NC sent. Not sure what we are now... 6/22/12 wasted time? 8/14/12
9/08/12 R maybe

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: mistyalone
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