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User Topic: Married to a Bipolar
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Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, December 23rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I haven't posted in this thread before. My H is bipolar - some weird combination of 1 & 2. He's usually rapid cycling BP2, but has had an extended period of mania and depression so is classified as BP1? Something like that.

Today I am throwing myself a pity party for having to deal with him. I'm very careful with money, hate debt, like savings. Of course, this is the polar opposite to BP. We do okay on the money front, so long as I work full time. We have a mortgage on an okay house and usually have enough left over for some little luxuries.

A few months ago, I decided to get a credit card. My plan was to 'work the system' - paid off in full every month, whilst still accumulating reward points towards shopping vouchers. My H wanted to be an additional card holder, I had misgivings but he wheedled.

After the affair, you see, he bought himself a car that he couldn't afford. We separated, and he was financially up shit creek. He also lost his job. When we got back together, he wanted to get rid of that car. He sold another car he had, put all his tax refund on the loan, basically got rid of a $30K loan in around 6 months. It was a big deal for him, although he conveniently forgets that he made zero contributions towards living expenses during that time. Don't get me wrong, he did really well, but any time I question his ability with money, this now gets thrown in my face.

Anyhoo, I got this credit card and started trying to 'work the system'. It hasn't worked. Almost straight away he purchased a $1000 TV on the card. Yes, our TV had broken, but this purchase was not discussed with me at all. He started spending around $15 - $20 on lunches at work every day. Started buying cigarettes more often. The kicker was last night. He went shopping for Christmas presents, supposedly just for myself and his Nanna. I expected that he'd spend about $100. As he was on his way home, he sent me a text - "Santa has gotten us a present, too." Truth be told, I was a bit excited, I figured it was a DVD or a board game or similar. He'd spent $600 on a gaming console and game package. About 2 weeks ago, he'd told me we couldn't afford to buy a $30 fundraising book for my son's daycare because the credit card balance was too high, then he goes out and puts another $600 on it? We'd already bought all our presents!

I'm really upset by it. After the TV I tried to tell him that it hurts me that he doesn't consult with me before making big $$$ purchases. I ALWAYS consult with him. But he does it again. His excuse is that he wants to find something that we can do as a family. Which rings out as utter bullshit to me, because computer games aren't my thing, they don't really interest me, and our son is 3.5. Kinda young for Band Hero.

It used to be that he would give me his excuse and I would feel sorry for him. After we separated, though, he manipulated me emotionally all the time. I can actually remember a post he put on a forum, thread was something like "How do you get your missus to let you spend money on cars?" He responded that he mopes around the house and acts all depressed, tells me he needs stuff because he's depressed and has been working hard and needs a reward, I feel sorry for him and so he gets what he wants. I feel like he's pulling the same shit now, although his game is now "It's so that we can do stuff as a family."

Case in point - boat. I am 5 months pregnant, I will go on maternity leave end of April. We will JUST have enough for me to stay home until the baby is 9 months old, then I will need to go back full time. He is planning on purchasing a time share in a boat. His reasoning is that the $4000 start up will come out of his tax return (note the use of HIS, not OURS) and then it's only $100 a month or something. And it's so that we can do stuff as a family. Just like the Jeep Wrangler he bought this year was supposed to be, although he *did* purchase a car that has zero luggage space and no back doors to get baby and 3 year old in and out.

If I question the whole 'for our family' excuse, I get tears about how his dad never did anything with him, or that he has a family history of dementia therefore he must live life NOW.

I feel like I am constantly sacrificing what I want for him to get what he wants. If I put my foot down, I am controlling and stingy. For a while, I completely left him out of the loop on financial matters, because if he knew we were doing well, he'd spend it. I stopped that when we reconciled because I wanted to eradicate this parent/child dynamic, and he seemed to be growing some money sense. now, though, I am tempted just to do the same thing again - neglect to mention what our position is like and just set up transfers to put the money where I think it belongs. He never checks the transactions, only the balances from time to time.

I used to think that his spontaneity balanced my cautiousness, now I just get so resentful.

Me: BW, 33
He: WH, 29
We: Together 11 years, married for 6. One son, one daughter.
DDay: Sept 08

Posts: 131 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, but in a case like this, one of you folks needs to be The Responsible One ~ and its YOU.
I hope you put your foot down!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry ~ double post!

[This message edited by dreamlife at 7:57 AM, December 27th (Monday)]

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, December 28th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with dreamlife, in that you need to be the responsible one. I control/manage all of our funds. We've had to reconcile many credit cards because of mania purchases so he gets no more cards. All transactions go through me. It's just the way it's gotta be if we want financial success. That depresses me because H is such a smart man but no responsibility.

My advice is to pull the reins back on all his access including cutting the cards up.

Me, BS - 35
Him, FWH - 31
4 kids - 17, 14, 4 and 2
Married 7/07
DDay 3/11/2010
Reconciled and starting anew

Posts: 120 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Northeast Ohio by way of Michigan
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Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That night I told him that I thought it was best that we take the gaming console back, and get rid of the credit card. He agreed, I think mainly because I pointed out to him that with all the credit card overspending, we may as well have made $0 payments towards the mortgage this month.

The next day he rang me from work asking me to take it back, and I told him that I thought he should do it himself. He hung up sounding very grumpy and came storming into the house after work, muttering about how tired he was and now he has to go take this console back and so on. We ended up having a huge fight, because he came home and launched right into me. In a reasonable tone, of course, which always shits me to tears. For about 20 mins he whinged to me about how I always shit all over his ideas and put him down, how I should be supportive of him wanting a boat, how I should be supportive of the too small 4WD, how I should have been supportive of an overseas holiday. In fact, I *was* supportive of the overseas holiday right up until he lost his job *again* only 2 weeks before we left, then I started fretting about how we were going to pay it off.

In any case, he noticed that I was getting upset and told me to get over it, he was only 'talking', then made a sarcastic barb about how now I must know what it's like when I constantly shit all over him. I left the house.

I told him afterwards that I think we need to see a counsellor about this, but he doesn't want to because he blames my pregnancy, his bipolar and the stress leading up to Christmas as the factors causing this fight. I, on the other hand, think that if he's going to be bring up stuff from 6+ months ago, we need to talk it out.

The credit card is now out of his access. I'm still going to talk to him about our finances, but put my foot down on things we can't afford. He seems to be recognising that this boat thing is a bipolar compulsion - he said the other day, "I used to just WANT a boat, but now my bipolar is telling me that I NEED one."

I hate these ups and downs. And I'll tell you what, the meds reducing his already low sexual drive to virtually nil is another gripe completely.

Me: BW, 33
He: WH, 29
We: Together 11 years, married for 6. One son, one daughter.
DDay: Sept 08

Posts: 131 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good going about the credit card! Its progress...not perfection.
He might need a mood elevator if he is going down too deeply.
Mine did.

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

question, does it ever seem like your bp other often misses the point?
I mean like you could say "you put on...,you jump in your car, drive to the op's apartment, have sex, lie to me, etc, etc"
Then later they say, "so it makes you mad when i jump in the car" or "when i put on ..."

I swear i will explain something to my wife and she will so totally miss the point I wonder if she might really be stupid, but she is incredibly intelligent.

Me 42 BH
Her 35 WW-15 month EA followed by ONS(so she says) with another
seem to be in full R (i hope)
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 realize it was False R all along
2011 cautiously in R

Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow

Posts: 385 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Are you being really clear? Either she's missing the point or she's playing a game and pretending to.

I do think there is a huge problem with spouses of BP's -- they often continue to treat the BP like a child after the BP is "well". I don't want to be treated like a child and I don't want to be married to one. Be sure you are 100% crystal clear. She's not stupid and she's not a child. Make her repeat it back if you have to, and make her deal with the consequences if there are any.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH was just recently diagnosed bipolar. had a year long affair with ow who is a nurse and got him addicted to large amounts of prescription drugs. she is a drug addict too

he just started medication for the bipolar. has left ow and detoxing from drugs.

how can i help him? how can i help me?

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 2:00 PM, January 26th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Helping you needs to be your #1 priority.

I think the best way for you to help him is to be there for his visitation. Make it family visitation. He shouldn't be alone with the kids anyway.

If you do want to R if possible, and it sounds like you might, you tell him, for us to start the process to R you need to show me medication compliance, give me access to your IC/pdoc, get a job, get out of debt...stability... then go to MC. Be gentle, but firm. And also positive. Tell him he can get better. He'll feel like it's impossible. It's not. But you need to be very careful to not be codependent, so you're going to need support for yourself.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, January 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, my WH played the "stupid game" with me as well.

IC is very helpful. Oh, thank God for my IC.

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Self medicating is a very common, very big problem with bipolars. I don't know many who haven't done it at one point or another.

You can help him by making sure he takes his BP meds,make sure that they are filled in time, and having him give you medical rights so if something isn't right with his behavior, you can talk to his doctors.

I give a lot of tough love, nothing personal, because sometimes toughness is what you need to move forward.
Betrayal and reconciliation 2004
Now seperated for much more complicated reasons.
The love of my life DS 2005

Posts: 599 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Maryland
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Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, February 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with redfroggy.
How are things going now?

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, March 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just feeling really tired of the BP (not very) merry-go-round this evening. FWH is medicated, HAS tried to get his chemistry in line (to include hormone issues, yippee.), HAS had good patches....but tonight and last night could not be included in that descriptor. I'm tired, tired, tired.

With the hormones, it feels like it's gone backwards of late as he's back to injections after going off them to compounded cremes (how, exactly, should that be spelled in this context?? ), back again to Androgel, now this again which is an ordeal.

Mood has plummeted again and I just am so tired. We get a few good weeks and then something happens just about the time where it feels like we finally have enough throttle to go nose up into the air.

I hope you guys understand this is my wailing wall. It can be SO hard sometimes, I feel like walking away into the fantasy life where it's sunshine & roses. Sadly, I know there is no such thing, and I do love him (though I don't particularly like the depressed, angry a$$h*le currently inhabiting his body)(I want MY Mr. Sad1 back. ).

"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
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Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am getting a divorce but I think my husband is bipolar. Not 4 weeks ago he was so extremely happy and went out and bought 850 dollars worth of clothes for out children (could not afford obviously). He is always spending money. Then the next day he was all depressed saying that he didn't know why I was still married to him.

Then he seems to be okay for a while like my husband and then bam all of the sudden he withdrawals from me barely talking and when I do try to talk to him he says he doesn't know what to say.

Then finally after trying forever to get it out of him he tells me doesn't think our marriage is working for him anymore.

To say I'm devastated is an understatement.

he has done this twice before just out of no where telling me he wants to leave. His moods are all over the place and just last week he said he wanted to get tested and get help. We were even intimate and then bam not a mere few days later he decided he didn't want to anymore and changed his mind.

Does this sound even remotely like bipolar to anymore or am I big time mistaken?

ME-BW 33,HIM-WH 33
Together 10 years,Married 9
2 children:Daughter 7,Son 4
D-Day Feb 2005-Cheated while I was pregnant with my daughter-eventually reconciled.
June 2012-says he is leavig me again (4th time). Now Divorcing.

Posts: 2288 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Ohio
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Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Dolphin,

My wife and brother are bipolar. And from your small description it could be he is bipolar.

Crazy spending, moods swings are definitely potential signs.

But you really need a professional to diagnose it correctly and even they get it wrong sometimes.

One thing I did notice in your post: "We were even intimate and then bam not a mere few days later he decided he didn't want to anymore"

Have you noticed his mood swings are at their most heaviest a few days after sex?

Because some men (not sure about women) have big lows a day or a few days after sex which could be increasing his down times. If you can see a relation between sex and a few days later extreme lows, then google for "dopamine low after sex" and you might find some useful information.

Me: BH 34, Her: FWW 32
Married 11 years
3rd & Final DDay: Dec 20, 2009

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be different"

Posts: 873 | Registered: May 2010 | From: BC - Canada
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Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 1st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I am jumping in hoping to get some support and insight into my bipolar WH.

Dolphin, my WH has been exactly like that at sounds bipolar. BUT, it is difficult to diagnose BP, so defintely get him to a psych appt.

My WH has a psych appt. on the 11th and it feels like the longest wait ever. I made the appt. for him (of course... ) on Tuesday after our MC and I both suspected this could be bipolar. Going back through all of our crazy experiences, what else CAN it be????

So, to back track a bit, WH lapsed back to his, "I just want my freedom" speech on Saturday. I caught him replying to a text from his OW that he was supposedly in NC with since November 10 of 2010, kicked him out on Sunday. By Sunday afternoon, he was texting, and calling me non-stop wanting to come back to his family..."his real love...his only true love"...yadda, yadda, yadda.

So, at Monday's appt. I told MC and WH that I want a D, and WH begged me not to. I agreed to let him come home and made his appt. If he keeps the appt. and gets the help he needs (which he says he desperately wants) then we shall she where this leads us.

He is a LONG time "self-medicator". He is on an antidepressant since his original diagnosis years ago was severe depression. He takes it religiously, but also tends to drink beer (anywhere from 2 bottles to a 6 pack) every few days. So, his ADs work as good as they can considering the major depressant he drowns himself in quite regularly .

So, I guess I am in search of support. What can I expect? How do I manage things now?

Since Monday night, he has gone through a couple different this time, he is avoiding thinking about the BP and is busying himself with his new car (tinkering, changing oil, reading about it, etc). Pretty typical.

He seems to be trying to do more helpful things, like laundry and dishes, but I can tell this won't continue for long.

Is there any hope????

Me, the BS:38 42
WH...STBX:39 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2010
Member # 30623
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 1st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H was just recently diagnosed with Bipolar. He was in the hosiptal for about a week. Came home for 2 days and then took him self back to the hospital because he felt it would be so easy to take all of his pills. He is now going in to a treatment center. I am really at a lost, I don't know what to say or do.

I little bit of background, we have been married 9 years and he has cheated on at least 6 times with multiple women each time. Each time gets worse, he blow money like it is nothing, does not pay his bills, yells and screams at me and blames for everything. We have separated 4 times when I had found out about the cheating, including this time. I know these are all symptoms of the his bi-polar. But I did not that at the time, come to find out it runs in his family along with other mental illness. This time has to be the worse of them all, he met a 17 year old girl online and flow many times to were she lives, blow thousands of dollars, bought an engagement ring for her. Well about 2 weeks ago I got a call from her parents that she had run away and was pregnant. I confronted my husband and he said they were only friends and they no longer talk because he found out her and her family were crazy, and that he had no idea where she was and nothing her parents said about him was true. Well the cops came to job looking for him, and they and the girls father went to my husbands college which is a Christian college he takes class at, well come to find he found her and took her back to her parents, but he then got in a lot of trouble with his college they told him that the allegations were enough to put him on probation and that he was not allowed to come in contact with any felmale student under 21 outside of his classes. And I think that just pushed him over the edge because he started talking about killing himself and that was when he checked himself in the hosiptal even know we don't live together anymore he called me asked me to call his family but that he only wanted me calling to check on him. So I did for a week and then I would call his parents.

He was released on Thursday and said he was feeling better than ever, and wanted to gether, we had planned to go out to dinner tonight. He did then tell me that he had some bad news, he had found out that he could now be thrown out of college, and that his good friend was admitted into the hospital for the same thing and since she is a student under 21 he was no allowed to visit her, and her dad had blamed him for her issues. He had also admitted he forgot to take his meds and was really shaky. He could later to tell me he was back at the hospital because he had just wanted to take all of his pills and end it all. However the hosipatl would not admit him because his friend was there and her family had requested he not be allowed in the hospiatl. I did not think they could do that so they were trying to find another hosiptal that had a bed. He then told me that he talked to his sisters (who I have always had a very up and down relationship with) and they felt it was all my fault, I to tell me not to call his mom because I upset her(which I know is not true) and that this should be keep in the family and I am not family. But he wanted to keep talking to me so he asked me not to call them and just check in with him. I was up all night waiting to hear where he was going he finally called at 3am and said he was being transfered to a strict treatment center a few hours away. And that he would call me when he got there and was allowed to make a call. I am so worried I still have not heard anything and don't know what to do.

I am pissed at his sisters because they have never been there for him when he has needed them, and turn everything around. I also know they hide things from their parents to cover up so my H does not look like he does anything wrong. His parents won't answer my calls or text now. I have no idea if they took my H to this treatment center and from their webpage it does not sound like he can make calls without a phone card and he does not have one. I also feel so bad, because I thought I had wanted this marriage to be over because he has done so many things to me, but now I am more lost than ever.

Sorry to be so long winded, I just don't know what to do or how to handle all of this. Any advise would be a big help.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jan 2011
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Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 1st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need help. My husband and I have been seperated since January. He called me the first part of April (after a roller coaster seperation) asking if "things went bad" in the relationship that he was in could he come and sleep downstairs at the house. I told him yes, as it is his house (he inherited it). During the seperation he was ALL over the place he was living with the OW, there were days he would call and be very civil and we would actually have productive conversations and then there were be days he would call and there would be so much hatred and rage, name calling ect...that I at times wondered who I was talking to on the phone. His behavior was also directed at our children, just not as severe. When he called to see if he could sleep downstairs he indicated that he had had it and couldn't take the OW controlling, jealous ways any longer. He came back late on night and started sleeping on the rollaway bed downstairs. He was very emotional, remorseful?, crying alot and telling us what a mistake he had made, and in the beginning said he was here just to try to salvage his relationship with our children, as there were be weeks that he wouldn't see them. I was glad that he was back and he knew that. The mixed messages started about a week after he moved back. We were intimate about 6 days after he came back, he mentioned a day later that he was amazed that I even let him near me and what an amazing person I was..yada..yada..yada...the weekend came and he was completely withdrawn spent all his time outside in the garage and was nasty and distant. I tried to talk to him and the name calling, rage started up. I backed off. Several nights he asked me to lay down with him downstairs after the kids had gone to bed and we would be intimate, and then several days later he would tell me that he was there for the kids and he needed to work on that relationship. I had asked him to remove some people from his facebook page because if we were ever going to work on the marriage, they made me uncomfortable. Several days after he moved in, he removed them, changed his marital status to married and friended me. I asked him why he had friended me and his reply was "if we are going to work on this I made the changes and you want 100% transparency. I thought, maybe we were headed in the right direction. But then a couple days later, the rage and nasties would come back...and then the next day he would aplogize for his behavior and remind me again that he was only here to work on his relationship with the kids. When he would get into these dark moods, he seemed "happy" to say things that he knew would hurt to the bone and get a reaction from me. but then be very emotional and crying the next day. I had a gut feeling that he had been at the OW house and I called him on it....and the RAGE began....he informed me that he wasn't here for me, he was here for the boys and that I had made more out of his coming back then he told me. That he didn't have to answer to me and he would do and see whomever he wanted. He left for work (he was working nights) and texted our oldest son the next two nights to tell him that he wouldn't be coming home. My son called him on his behavior (son is 20) and my husband went into a rage with him and told him to stop preaching at him called him an asswipe and hung up on him. He came to the house while I was at work on Friday and was very emotional and crying and apologize for his outburts. He called me yesterday and apologized for his outburt with me the day that he left and that "he scared himself" and wanted to apologize. He had this last outburst infront of our 11 year old son, after I asked him to please come speak to me in another room. Severl of his friends have called and expressed concern for him and stating he needs help. I was sent info on bi-polar. I have tried to get him to go to a counselor (the boys and I all go) and he says, I am the only head case and that the only thing wrong with him is me. I am just soo concerned about these raging mood changes. He makes our youngest son very nervous. Can someone give me someplace to read up on things, does it sound like a mental imbalance or disorder. I am not making excuses for his behavior, I am done living like this, but I am concerned about my children. It seems that the only time that he is somewhat happy is when he is drinking and "feeling good" and even then if he has too much he becomes an emotional crying wreck. I need help trying to get off this roller coaster.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Feb 2011
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Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I questioned my H about a recent purchase for $300 on his credit card (that both our salaries pay for), and he got very defensive and said we should just pay for our own from now on.

What the hell.

So crazy. I just don't get the back and forth, and absolutely hate living with someone like this.

Me, the BS:38 42
WH...STBX:39 43
3 kids, 13+ years

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2010
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