by the way: I hid it until later in our life. I know i am wrong.
[This message edited by Th3 Outkast at 12:33 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]
BH (ME) 29
Together since 1999
married since 2001
3 kids, 2 girls (8&3) 1 boy (6)
Glad to say working on the R.
And I get the "because if she flips into mania, she'll be that person, no matter how much the non-manic her has changed" thing. It's a difficult reality for me to hang on to. I don't find much comfort in it, either.
Th3 Outkast wrote - I struggle sometimes to understand why people love me.
My H struggles with this as well. He tries so hard to get people to like him no matter if they are quality people or not. He was convinced that any mistake he made, I'd leave and when he had a ONS with OW, he knew he screwed up big time. He was convinced that is I ever found out that I would be gone and we'd be divorced.
I think he now gets it that I married for better or for worse and in sickness and in health. I'm not going anywhere.
Th3 Outkast-I hope you are working on you self-esteem and self worth because you do deserve to be loved!
You're not alone. I'm bipolar and also the BS. The sad truth is that infidelity touches about 80% of relationships with a bipolar partner; and it's not always the bipolar who is the WS.
It's not your FAULT, but it might have been a contributing factor. It can be isolating to be married to a bipolar, especially if you're not well-controlled.
The MOST important thing you need to do for yourself is to get your disease under control. If your medication doesn't work well, add another or try another one altogether.
As for the "it's not me, it's the disease" from the bipolar WS's that's bull. I think, yes, when manic or hypersexual the bipolar can slip down the slope faster, but it's still all about boundaries. I am amazed that it was my WH and not me who was the cheater -- and I can't really say 100% why I never went there back then, but I think part of the reason is that I did guard against it because it doesn't fit my values and I KNOW it would be too easy for me to cheat when I'm in that mindset -- I think a lot of people who do cheat think they're not that kind of person and so they let themselves fall farther down the slope.
Also, Th3 -- it was wrong to hide it; but in my case I wasn't even diagnosed until 5 years into my relationship with WH. So, there are plenty of spouses who wind up "surprised" so to speak.
you sum up my life very well in many ways
just always "knew" that no matter how shitty he was to me, he'd never cheat on me. Well, that was true to an extent. However, once the bi-polar takes over and he lets it takeover, that is when the bad things happen. I always figured it would be the overspending on the credit cards. I had no idea we'd be dealing with something like this.
SO SO exactly my thoughts.
My H struggles with this as well. He tries so hard to get people to like him no matter if they are quality people or not
Also my case. Of course i would need to change it to she as it is my wife
Right now she is in transition as i like to call it, so the rollercoaster ride begins again. wish me luck
Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow
He's been told he is a "complicated case" to manage, because he's also being treated for (irony of ironies) low testosterone. His testosterone blood levels have been allowed to shoot ridiculously high (which can make him full of rage) and ridiculously low (depression & fatigue follow) and that affects his mental health in several ways, not only through the direct hormonal link but also through the anger generated by poorly managed treatment and despair at the struggles going on and on and on.
I totally agree with the sentiments expressed about the "not me, my disease" angle on infidelity. Thus far, even in the throes of manic-y, expansive-minded, anger-fueled a$$h*le-edness, he's been adamant that he's changed. I tend to believe him, but only time will tell.
Right now , I feel quite isolated: I belong to the subset of married people who have a WS (BS); of those, I'm in the BS subset of multiple A' WS's; of those, I'm in the BS subset of multi-A WS's w/BPD; and of those, I'm in the BS micro-subset of multi-A WS's w/BPD and low T.
Which may be a party of 1.
Truly, the infidelity part of the equation has been fairly well dealt with. Now, it's the mental health that makes me at times feel like I'm reaching my tipping point. The only way in which the infidelity plays into that is my former total commitment to "in sickness & in health" took a severe body blow because of it.
I'm down because the good, stable, happy, nurturing times feel like they've been measurable in "weeks" over the past year, while the difficult, lonely, sad, upsetting times have been measurable in "months".
BTW, has anyone's BP spouse, or any BP person here, had the experience of totally losing interest in a formerly avidly-embraced hobby or interest after starting mood stabilizers? My FWH was previously consumed by woodworking (3 car garage w/2 giant workbenches, tablesaw, chop saw, lathe, drill press, bandsaw, 2 rolling tool cabinets, etc.) and boats (he built 4, bought 1). Now, zero interest in either, which troubles him greatly and depresses him. Anyone?
Someone asked if we saw indicating behaviors to let us know mania was on its way. Mine uses the word "glared" when he's going into or already into the manic/paranoia state. He'll report that someone was glaring at him, or that he just glared at someone. It's 100% accurate as far as a signal to me. It's also a freight train that I have no way of stopping. In the old days, when he took his medication, we could talk about these signs and more often than not, I could get him to realize that second cup of coffee wasn't going to help. Cold medicines will set him off and he has horrible allergies so right now he's FUCKED UP. When he would take antibiotics it would reduce the effect of the mood stabilizer. He'll also start exercising manically, like he'll be doing karate stuff out in the front yard at 3 a.m. Or he'll make a list of 80 things to do in one day. He's been off the meds for 4 years now and it is pure unadulterated hell. And sometimes he'll say that he knows his thinking is fucked up but usually the world is wrong and he's right.
I realized a while ago that he only has 2 or 3 long-term friends, and only one of them does he speak to on a regular basis. When he speaks to this friend on a regular basis he gets worse because they were teenagers together and did a lot of crazy things. The other guy is a piece of shit, had online affairs and did those sex calls.
I will tell you that a keylogger is the single most informative tool I have ever had, even more so than the internet itself sometimes.
And right now we're teetering on the edge, I know I'm going to divorce him. I just wanted to get my son through high school so I wouldn't have that hanging over my head and around my neck forever. I don't know that we're going to make it that long (almost 8 months) because he is in a full-blown manic episode right now.
Oh, the other thing that he does when he's on the verge of an episode is massive throwing away of stuff. Like EVERYTHING. He'll throw out books, he'll throw out yard tools, he threw everything off my desk one time and our tax information was in there (was getting ready to file and had everything organized). He's just a sick, sick man and he doesn't want to get better. He wants the world to conform to what is his varying ideas of what's right. There is no pleasing him. And I don't want to anymore. I just want to get my son through school
He's a sick man. It isn't just the bi-polar, it's the perverted sexual stuff that put me over the edge with him. It's also that he's restricted me from having my two kids from a prior marriage visit at this house. He really is a bastard.
He's so up and down, rapid cycling, paranoia, I'm exhausted. I'm just sick of walking on eggshells around him.
His mother and sisters have been diagnosed with it as well so I'm not sure if it's a family genetic component or if it's environmental. Either one of those could be the culprit or it could be a nice combination of both. I don't care. He cannot undo the damage he's caused and it's him who decided to go off the meds 4 years ago.
I think you're beyond 100% reasonable and are making a good decision. Hang in there.
BTW, has anyone's BP spouse, or any BP person here, had the experience of totally losing interest in a formerly avidly-embraced hobby or interest after starting mood stabilizers?
When I was on Geodon it gave me anhedonia, which is the inability to feel pleasure. So I pretty much let my hobbies fall by the wayside. If you don't enjoy anything, why bother to do anything that requires effort beyond those things you absolutely HAVE to do?
Another possibility is that he associates his old hobby with being sick. Sometimes you have to change a lot of things -- sort of a signal to yourself that you're not going to be sick anymore.
[This message edited by m334455 at 9:57 AM, September 20th (Monday)]
It is possible. I've been with FWH for 5 years, married for 3. His affair has opened my eyes to more aspects of his bipolar disorder and I'm beginning to understand more and more of why he does what he does.
Our new deal, vow if you will, is that he is to stay on his medication and I need to be mindful of his moods/episodes. Up until last year, I only knew the depressed side of it. Last year he was full blown manic and I had no idea how to handle it. His moods tend to change with the seasons, so I'm on my toes!
When I first found out, I knew my WW had emotional issues. My counselor told me that it would likely take ~2 years for her to workout her issues, before we could address mine/marriage's. He asked me if I was up to that.
Six months after that, WW was diagnosed as BPII. That was 1.5 years ago, and the WW is still not "right." I'm still waiting for her to get to a point where we can work on us. She's close, better, but not completely stable to really discuss it, help me heal.
You're still relatively new (I'm assuming you found out about all 14 a month ago? - I was similar - about 7 (8?) over a three year period). It's tough. Give yourself some time, see if she responds to therapy/meds.
Or you can just throw in the towel. No one will blame you. Some days, I'm ready to do that.
You need to give yourself some time to recover from the shock and think more clearly.
She also has some seasonal components: her manic episodes tend to begin making an appearance in May.
BTW, anyone who goes into full-blown mania is *not* Bipolar II, whatever the mental health professional says. Check the DSM - part of the diagnosis of BP II is *not* having full manic episodes.
Our promise was this: she takes her meds & manages mood swings (there are several steps to this) & I'll stay in the M. The way I put it was, "If you can do 'forsaking all others,' I can do 'in sickness and health.'"
No meds, no marriage. I can't live like that.
2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
I got several e-mails from him tonite and he was "in a Very Good Mood". (Manic!)
Crossbow is right about the med compliance which is why I have moved over 300 miles away from WH now.