After he left I decided I better check our finances and do a little research...what I found was dating websites and memberships to "hook up" websites. I also discovered he has been doing this since Thanksgiving ---even while he took me away for what I thought was a wonderful second honeymoon.
What a schmuck I am!!!!!!! Don't know if I can pick up the pieces again when he bottoms out again (yes he has before). Always suspected infidelity but kept it buried (another mistake-probably added to my lack on interest in bed)
I cannot believe these women he is talking to online are reaL!!!! Wow there are some kinky people out there! I do believe he has or intends to "hook up". I have discoved a couple of his profiles on these sites and he is expressing interest in all kinds of things.
THE SAD REALITY - I love him! I miss him! I worry about him! (keeping thinking he is going to get ripped off or beaten up by someone or get a disease) This risky behavior is so hard to deal with.
I can deal with "Playing RockBand every night for months", Shopping for a new car even test driving something we cannot afford. Shopping for a tatoo and doing nites of research. And any number of other obsessions of the moment, but, this Infidelity, may be the deal breaker!!!
FWW had her As while in her first full-blown manic episode. Her father was BP I also, and never got his meds right. FWW grew up feeling like her childhood was blighted by his illness and the fallout from it (not having electricity/water bc her dad would spend all his disability check within 5 days, etc).
When she was diagnosed Bipolar I about 3 weeks after DDay 1, she was horrified. My reaction: I can do "in sickness and health" if you can do "forsaking all others."
She has been totally compliant on her meds AND setting up a support system of trusted friends/family/co-workers to help catch the ramping-up of mania before going completely off the deep end. Her feeling is that her father's illness destroyed her childhood; she will NOT let the same illness destroy the lives of our children.
She takes Lamictal, Lithium, and Prozac (the Lith tends to send her a little too far down). She has been stable and compliant for nearly 3 years.
She also (at my urging) explored why she pursued A behaviors during her mania rather than, say, shoplifting or trying to write the next American Novel. Digging up lots of FoO issues (her serial cheating NPD mom abandoned the family when she was 4, for example), SAb issues, boundary problems and a lying habit helped us both understand more about her A behavior and what she needed to change (which she has).
There does NOT have to be a 100% divorce rate. However, the BP partner has to be willing to dig deep, change a lot, and take the meds.
Best of luck to us all!
2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
Like your wife, Noclue was diagnosed after the A. He was actually diagnosed a year later. Our doctor actually think that he was always bipolar but the manic episodes were getting more severe as he was getting older.
My condition for staying was clear. He needed to go on medication and do a lot of work on himself. At the time, the only therapy available to us was anger management. He took it (although he was never physically violent but his outburst were quite severe). He did the work, got some amazing calming techniques.
I let him quit his well paying job. He was miserable and it was making the episodes worse. He started his own business and is channeling all of his energy in his business. He is getting quite a lot of client and is an amazing salesperson for himself.
We decided to tell everybody and at the same time educate people on this disease. We are doing good. It's not the end.
Well this April's Fools Day joke sucked big time.
BP can feel like a death sentence for the relationship when you first find out about it (frequently, via a big ol' destructive manic episode.)
Fast forward -- I never, ever forgot my meds. I am always, always 100% committed to being well, even if some days it's only for my kids. I've been stable nearly 5 years. It took almost that long for me to notice WH's A. Now, we're dealing with that. I think we'll be OK in the end though. If you manage BP as instructed by a competent professional -- its just a chronic, controllable illness; I call it my "diabetic brain."
MTS~ Please check out "Electro Boy" book & website.
Thank you for the reference! FWH and I will both be doing some reading, hehe.
I'll be thinking of you!
I was diagnosed a few years ago before any of our marital problems. If anything, the bipolar has caused more problems...excessive manic spending, EA and PA, deep depression, etc. My BH does not understand the manic side of my PA. I was manic a the time of the PA and got a "high" from the riskiness of the affair, not from the affair itself. I don't blame it for the whole situation, but it played a huge role in why I did what I did. I am now stable for months and could never fathom doing what I did to my husband. It is so hard for people to understand unless they have the illness themselves.
You are so right about this! For the longest time, I thought FWH's BP was just an excuse he used, and it's taken me nearly 6 months to understand. This was the first episode that I had experienced with my H and I was just used to the depression that he got. He kept telling me how he wasn't thinking clearly, but there was so much more to it. I finally had an epiphany after dreamlife recommended electro boy. It was kind of a relief to tell my husband that it wasn't him during the affair. I mean, it was his body, etc., but he was SICK. His entire reality was skewed. It put it all in perspective then or at least a different perspective.
If it's you, that can be fixed. There can be therapy and MC and books to read and choices to examine and all sorts of other possibilities.
If it's the sickness, then I have a lifetime of vigilance ahead of me because as soon as the meds stop working right or something tips her into mania, then all of the progress and healing and closeness we've achieved means exactly dick. Things beyond her control change and she'll be out there cheating again. I can't say, "She won't cheat again, she's a completely different person than she was then."
Because if she flips into mania, she'll be that person, no matter how much the non-manic her has changed.
So, yeah, I take no comfort in it at all.
She's good about taking her meds, looking for mood feedback, visiting her psychiatrist, keeping tabs on her process, etc. I think that's awesome. Her compliance with the full range of therapy has been a big factor in our reconciliation.
I just don't let myself believe that "stable" is the same as "fixed."
I don't mind being my wife's control and supporting her in her illness, but I decided after the A (and the mania) that I wouldn't let it run my life again. If she goes out-of-control manic in the future, I won't be around to see if it manifests as infidelity or exorbitant spending or what. I've paid my dues.
yes, wincing, that is the real heartbreak. All the work and effort and hope you work your ass off for and , bam, it is all gone in a heartbeat. I have seen it so many times, been so sure it was finally getting better, just to go back there. Usually it begins with something i innocently said or did 6, 8, 10 or more months ago that is now being distorted into some evil attack on her.
It probably sounds silly, but I saw that movie Shutter Island and it reminded me of this very subject. I'd describe it but i hate to ruin it for those that haven't seen it, but lets just say the ending reminded me of the deep disappointment after so much struggle.
And yes she is unmedicated and technically undiagnosed, but it is so obvious. And I would leave, but my lawyer doesn't feel we can get custody and I can't abandon them. So i will stay until i can figure something better out.
[This message edited by sootired at 11:50 AM, September 7th (Tuesday)]
Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow