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User Topic: Married to a Bipolar
Blindside
♀ Member
Member # 13938
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for those of you that have experience in the Bipolar dept.

My H works as a Design Engineer for the phone company...the big one we all know that has bought up all the smaller ones. He can transfer anywhere, pretty much. And we have always wanted to get the heck out of Michigan. Problem is, we own a piece of crap house in a piece of crap real estate market, so getting an out of state move to happen seems like a pipe dream.

Anyhow, my H has recently been diagnosed with BPD. We're dealing with the aftermath of his 2 As this year (same MOW), his new diagnosis, AND an unexpected pregnancy as a result of our HB. Since the MOW is a co-worker, the stress level where he's currently at is at a critical level for me (bad for the baby and the BP H) and for Hs Bipolar itself. So my H started looking at job openings within his company. He put his resume in for a job in Key West, FL without even discussing it with me first. It turns out they are interested in interviewing him.

So finally my question: it probably is unlikely that it can happen, but given the Bipolar thing, is it a super bad idea to attempt a job/home/lifestyle change right now if my H is offered the Key West job? On one hand, it seems major change equals stress, and so would be bad. But relocating from metro Detroit to the Florida Keys not to mention removing the daily stress of him working with MOW would be SUCH a relief for us both. So I just don't know which way to go with my thinking on it.


~Married Sept 27, 97
~D-Day #1, March 9, 07: WH EA w/ co-worker.
~D-Day #2, September 12, 07: Discovered EA/PA back on, that the 1st was actually EA/PA, and that we were in False R.
~R? .

Posts: 224 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Key West, FL
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took my Focus OFF my bipolar in 2006 in order to save my sanity!

I still go to my IC.

He does nothing after all the promises he made to continue w/ therapy, meds, etc.

I need to save ME before I can help anyone else; and I cannot help anyone who refuses "help".

My WH daily ate Advils like candy for headaches. After he was put on Geodon, and Depakote, the headaches all but disappeared!

Its a fine line with constant adjusting of meds-- & med compliance seems to be the Biggest Issue.

There is a LOT of additional *support* online for bipolar info, spousal support, etc.

(((((hugs, everyone))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
921Lisa
♀ Member
Member # 7849
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blindside, that is a tuff one. You both have so much stress and CHANGE from all sides either way you choose.

Since both seem equally stressful, if it were ME (Me only, not sure what is best for YOU) I'd get the hell out of dodge and go to Florida. Removing the added stress of MOW from the picture will do YOU and BABY good.


Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. (Mr Sim York Soo)

Reconciled


Posts: 881 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree with 921.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
wildfeistykitten
♀ Member
Member # 16966
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay everyone here is that link and it is pretty much ran with emails but we are all pretty supportive and as i said it is also for people that know someone with bipolar and need support.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Bi_Polar/

Also i don't get a lot of headaches, but my WH gets some monster migranes. He didn't wet the bed though.
I did some research one day and for a male with bipolar their frontal lobe is different than a normal person without it. This isn't the case for us women that have it though. And giving up coffee for either of us isn't an option right now. Unfortunately we both get up very early and if we didn't we would be in a world is pooh.


BS, me 36
WH,bs. 32
M 14 yrs
3 kids.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: mo
groundhogday
♀ Member
Member # 4212
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

poof

sorry, I'm not sure I'm comfortable posting some of the personal stuff

[This message edited by groundhogday at 4:57 PM, November 30th (Friday)]


Me: BW
Whatever...it gets hard to explain the whole convoluted crappy story.

I love people...but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up.


Posts: 11530 | Registered: Apr 2004 | From: UK
kxm00
♂ Member
Member # 14075
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. My STBXW was never officially diagnosed because she refused to believe there was anything wrong with her, but our therapist told me on numerous occassions that she believes she was bi-polar and possibly borderline personality disorder.

The BPD may be what is causing confusion with the comments about inheriting it from a spouse. With BPD, spouses sometimes start to mimic the BPD's actions and personality. I forget what it is called, but BPD and bi-polar often go hand-in-hand.

[This message edited by kxm00 at 4:04 PM, November 30th (Friday)]


D-day: 6/25/06
D-day #2: 8/16/07 Found out for sure she was seeing another OM while we were deciding to divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

Divorced 3/5/08.


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: PA
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone here with bipolar taken A/D's for depression & been kicked up into a manic state?
If so, what was that like?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
juliette
Member
Member # 9635
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This didn't happen with Noclue. Unfortunately, we had a situation where he didn't take his medication for a week (he was in the hospital for an operation). When he got out, his manic state was worse than before.

There is a positive in this though. Because of this manic state, I was force to consult a doctor for my husband and he was diagnosed like this.


Me : BS - 40
Have a son (Romeo) - 14 years


Well this April's Fools Day joke sucked big time.


Posts: 11472 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: ontario
wildfeistykitten
♀ Member
Member # 16966
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes dreamlife and it magnifies the mania into over drive. The reason for this is there is more seritonin and if there isn't a moodstabilizer to balance that out the mania becomes over active.


BS, me 36
WH,bs. 32
M 14 yrs
3 kids.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: mo
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone here with bipolar taken A/D's for depression & been kicked up into a manic state?
If so, what was that like?

Just wanted to echo wildfeistykitten's response. My bipolar 2 wife had her first manic episode beginning when they put her on Wellbutrin (prior to her bipolar diagnosis).

Her psychiatrist told me that it was very likely that she wouldn't have ever started her A if she hadn't been on anti-depressants (when what she really needed was a mood stabilizer), because she wouldn't have gone so outrageously (for a bp 2) manic.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Hope-full
♀ Member
Member # 17044
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. Another really fantastic support forum is the
DBSA invision Zone which is sponsored by the international Depression Bipolar Support Alliance. They also have face to face meetings all over the world. A lot of info and healing is going on there!

We have been married 13 yrs and my H was dxed with BP at the onset of very manic episode our 11th year of marriage. For many years, what I thought was just asshole-ick behavior in fact learned behaviors. Some impulse problems may have been due in part to BP disorder. There have been many A's in our M and I don't belive that BP is/was to blame for them all, and he has yet to use BP as an explaination. What is a deeper is is what he tried to do inorder to cope with life and the complexities that it brings. Drinking and not only sex but the excitement of a new relationship and new sex was, I believe, a coping mechanism for him. Too bad it took me 13 years to learn and tus accept and actually belive this. Which came on the "heels" of blaming my self for his behaviors esp. all the A's. It's like some one ripped out my uterus, and all else that makes me a woman and put it in a blender. Sorry so graphic.

Stressful life events are triggers for him. Simply put, relational emotions are difficult for him to deal with.

Some one mentioned can you get BP by being M-ed? I don't think so but there is a very common phonemon among family members of people with MI and other social isms. I read in a book and the author cleverly referred to it as "Bipolar By Proxy". The roller coaster they are on is not taken alone, you are on the ride as well, you just don't enjoy what they enjoy.

tO BE HONEST, i ADDED MY SHARE OF dysfunction TO THE RELATIONSHIP AS WELL.

My H too is very charasmatic, flirtatious, and controlling (He's too cool to admit the last one). Some one before mentioned how their spouse would control conversations, $$, etc. It is insidious, it happens w/o ou really realizing. My H will not do anything he's not wanting to do. Communication is very difficult, he won't bend. But when he wants to or wants something, he pours on the charm- double duty. So what do I do:
I take care of me and our 4 children.
180
detach with love - I call it Boundaries but no Bitchin"

Today, I would like to see our family successful. Working thru our problems and learning how to love ourselves and each other is a much more difficult taks than just leaving. No I'm not a martyr, Today, I'm just doing what I believe is the right thing to do.
Am I in pain and hurting?
Sure, somedays the way I feel are very human and give little indication of my faith.
My H has hurt me ddeply in ways, frankly, I don't think he could EVER understand. On a certain level, I don't think he could stomach just how much pain he has caused me or the family.
He tries to take his meds reg. I can support him but ultimately, it's his responsibility.
Currently, the majority of his behavior is just his behavior. Period. He's doing the best he can. Really who am I to say. I'm trying to work on myself and that's a big enough chore for me.

He behaves in a mannner that has worked for him and in a way that he knows how to. Our relationship is a stone cold trip sometimes. I don't wish to leave, but I would be dishonest if I said that the thought of me and my kids on our own private island where food, toys, and gas is provided for free is quite attractive. M alone is difficult, A's make things quite complicated, BP makes things WILD.

I hope the best for him for only he and God knows the depth of his struggle. I care for him deeply but at the end of the day I just want our family to be "OK" (what ever that means).

50% of the time he seems ok with me but that oter, it's like he can't stand me and those times are hard for me to keep the faith. I just want to go away, I don't want to be with some one who treats me as if they don't want to be with me. Sometimes I rather sew it up and travel - forget it, ya' know. UGHHHHHHH

God be with us all!
kISHA

[This message edited by Hope-full at 11:21 AM, December 3rd (Monday)]


Posts: 59 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Tx
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want you to know that I *hear* you, Hope-full. :)

I spent so many years in my marriage thinking there was something wrong with me as a husband and a father because it seemed like I could never do the right thing that would keep my wife from blowing up.

To be honest, I was almost relieved to find out that she was bipolar. Suddenly I had access to all sorts of tools for understanding her and didn't have to bear the burden of feeling like a failure all the time.

Ice cream and hugs for all of us!


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Blindside
♀ Member
Member # 13938
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been through a horrible D-Day, a false R, an even more horrible second D-Day, and the Bipolar diagnosis for my H so far in 2007.

Both D-days were a result of me catching him (or at least suspecting and not taking no for an answer). He denied and blame-shifted his ass off for as long as he could each time before I cornered him. After each D-day, he was wonderfully supportive for about the same amount of time and then started shutting down and acting suspiciously. The first time, it turns out he went back to MOW. This time, he's acting unsupportive in the same way as when he got back with her; he has stopped trying to help me or talk to me, he gets frustrated when I bring anything up (past or even present suspect stuff I'd like cleared up), etc.

He swears that there's ben NC, and that he's not cheating or anything even close to that. He says that what I'm seeing is the Bipolar (new meds, etc) this time and it just so happens to look just like how he acted while cheating during our last supposed R attempt. Back then, he liked to make me think I was imagining things when red flags were raised. I always got the line "After what I did to you, I can see how you'd think this way now, but it's different and I'd never hurt you again." I'd buy into it. In the end though, I found out I was NOT imagining things at all, but was getting full-on betrayed by him WHILE he was saying all this to me.

This time around, there are times that mimic that period of our life so completely. Again I get, "After what I did to you, I can see how you'd think this way now, but it's different and I'd never hurt you again." He just takes it one step further now by telling me that it is the Bipolar or the new meds making it look a certain way.

I'm curious, for spouses here of a WS (or FWS) with Bipolar, do you ever see cheating-LIKE behavior out of them that turns out to be just Bipolar and not cheating? In your experience, does Bipolar (either side of it) usually (or ever) seem to mimic the evasiveness exhibited during an A? I want to support my H while he figures this Bipolar thing out, but I just CAN'T when I'm thinking he might be screwing that bitch behind my back again. I need some perspective.


~Married Sept 27, 97
~D-Day #1, March 9, 07: WH EA w/ co-worker.
~D-Day #2, September 12, 07: Discovered EA/PA back on, that the 1st was actually EA/PA, and that we were in False R.
~R? .

Posts: 224 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Key West, FL
fencepost
♂ Member
Member # 13546
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWW is bipolar. She is also a recovering addict. When you see behavior that reminds you of past behavior, it's because it is. Trust your gut. ALWAYS. Get to the bottom of it and wave the bullshit flag.

I'm sorry for you to be going through this, but you have to trust yourself and your instincts. If you dont you'll go crazy.

Signed

Crazy


Me:BH 45
Her: FWW 43
M 25 yrs
2 kids(19 boy,23 girl)
DDay1 2/23/06 DDay2 05/25/06
many broken NC attempts
Reconciled

Posts: 235 | Registered: Feb 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, December 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well put, fencepost.

Has anyone here seen what appears to be "acting", as if the BP is "pulling the wool" over whom ever's eyes?

Its very confusing n difficult to explain...& I hope I'm not insulting anyone here because this is certainly NOT my *intent*.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 12:06 AM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too much of the time since DDay I've thought that my WS was "acting" all the time he claimed to love me, DL. He put on a hell of a great act prior to the first DDay altho the 2 1/2 yrs he claimed their was no sex didn't work so he finally fessed up to that. When he celebrated our fourth yr DDay anny last Nov in a strip club VIP room with not just one but two strippers, I wasn't all that surprised (but still hurt like hell). It bothers him I think he's acting when he claims to love me but actions speak louder than words, especially after a post DDay hell. He has a lot of issues & things to deal with, bipolar being one which are not being properly addressed so the effect is as devastating as you guys already now. But as is typical of a master blameshifter, the sooner I realized I'm the entire problem everything would be perfect in our world.

He does nothing after all the promises he made to continue w/ therapy, meds, etc.

I need to save ME before I can help anyone else; and I cannot help anyone who refuses "help".

It is very very sad, frustrating & harder than hell to deal with but this is really the true bottom line. Otherwise, there are two drowning people going down with no lifering within reach for either & it's a miserable existence that just keeps getting worse in my experience. It breaks my heart to see him continue to be the way he is when there are so many resources he refuses to take advantage of or for him to devalue me & "us" the way his actions show me he does but my drowning with him won't be good either...

[This message edited by unicornsearcher at 12:15 AM, December 5th (Wednesday)]


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
921Lisa
♀ Member
Member # 7849
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blindside,

"In your experience, does Bipolar (either side of it) usually (or ever) seem to mimic the evasiveness exhibited during an A?"

Do what you did to find the truth before. Always confirm. Listen to your gut.


Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. (Mr Sim York Soo)

Reconciled


Posts: 881 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
groundhogday
♀ Member
Member # 4212
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blindside, I have the same question. So far, any evasiveness seems to have been linked to an A, but I can't be sure.

In addition to AD's being a common cause of mania, ingredients in certain cold medications can be too. The good bipolar sites/books will point these things out. Not everyone responds in the same way, but really, who's prepared to take the risk?


Me: BW
Whatever...it gets hard to explain the whole convoluted crappy story.

I love people...but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up.


Posts: 11530 | Registered: Apr 2004 | From: UK
Betrayed74
♀ Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I attributed my ex-WS's behavior almost entirely to BP and alcoholism...but it turned out it was mainly because he was cheating on me for the past five years. They ALL tie in together, but it was mainly the cheating/affairs that caused his behaviors toward me, I think.

He was manic a lot. He was drunk a lot. He withheld emotionally a lot but I didn't make the right connections.

Knowing what I know now, I would absolutely assume he is cheating!!

My gut told me mine was so many times but he always talked me out of it and made ME feel like the crazy one. I will never ever ever ignore my gut again.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
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