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User Topic: Married to a Bipolar
stobes
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Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, October 11th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by stobes at 6:19 AM, October 11th (Saturday)]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Melbourne AU
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH will mention feeling "very foggy" regarding certain episodes in the past and I'm wondering if this is due to the *depressive phase* of bipolar...can anyone enlighten me about it or relate to this here?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Zinnia
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Member # 21679
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH (who is bipolar) has a bad memory too. Not just when it's convenient (about the cheating), but about all kinds of things. It always seemed strange to me, but my mother is also bipolar and has a horrible memory so maybe it's the way their brains are wired?


FBW (me) - 41
Two lovely daughters - 5 and 8
Happily remarried and have a baby boy with new hubby

Posts: 205 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I know exactly what you mean, Z, yet WH seems to (very cunningly) *know* just HOW to exploit & manipulate this "bad memory" syndrome/whatever.

Did they talk about "being in the FOG", too?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, February 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump~


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
hopegolightly
Member
Member # 22559
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS isn't Bipolar, but I am. I was first diagnosed at 14, and have had several more diagnoses, but I refused to believe it until a couple of years ago. I'm a psych. major, so I know how bad Bipolar is, I didn't want to admit that there was no cure for me and I would never be like anyone else. I went through my worst period at 19, and just hurt the ones I loved over and over. Since then I've found ways to deal with myself, even before I gave it a name, I'd found my triggers and how to control them. Medication is rough, it depends on your psych. but a lot of us get put on antipsychotics as well as mood stabilizers, and most people find themselves unable to live like that, but getting off the meds is hell, I barely made it through. I just want all of you to know that yes, my life is harder because of it, and yes, I do have to be superaware of my own thought patterns. But, like anything else, I can usually control how I allow it to affect me. It's a point of pride with me to never blame an action, esp. an ongoing action like an affair, on my disorder. Even though it may have been a contributing factor in your spouse's affair, there were moments at least when they knew exactly what they were doing. So while they need help and support (believe me, this is not something you want to accept that you will have the rest of your life), you have every right to feel everything anyone else would in this situation. Sometimes for me, it was hard to see other people as "real". I knew they were hurting, but it just didn't click. I don't think that covering up your own pain would help it "click" with your spouse. Completely understanding the way your actions affect other people is a huge first step in dealing with this disease. It may be harder to do than it is for normal people, but it can and should be done. If, like me, they were born this way, they will be this way forever, and they have to learn how to incorporate it into their lives without it being the main theme in their lives.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
hopegolightly
Member
Member # 22559
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to add, that in my research (I did a 25 pg. paper on Bipolar for a class, which I got a huge ironic kick out of), there have been a lot of inroads into proving a bipolar genetic precurser gene. So, people are born predisposed. I have daughters, so I mostly looked into the female aspect. Apparently, throughout the teen years (12 and up), heavy restrictions placed on girls can make the traits surface. Not to say you should let them go hog-wild, I certainly won't, but something about that age, the hormones, and the feelings of being unneccessarily restricted have been shown to produce the traits. The next time of worry is usually after the second child. Again, the hormones combined with that particular sense of stress and overwhelming responsibility tend to trigger. If your spouse has it, it might make you feel better knowing there are some things you can do to help your daughters prevent it. I'm now pregnant with a son, and have been dreaming about genetic charts and sex-related genes. Grrr. More research on boys is called for, I guess.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
Zinnia
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Member # 21679
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you dreamlife. MANY times I've felt like both my mom and WH "conveniently" don't remember critical details. It's extrememly frustrating. My WH has been reading several books on bipolar and he was telling me a few days ago about how memory problems are part of the disorder. I do wonder though if memories the person doesn't *want* to remember get fogged almost *deliberately*? Though the word deliberate isn't entirely applicable since I don't think either WH or my mom are consciously trying to forget - maybe their brains are trying to protect them?

hopegolightly, it's really enlightening to see this from the bipolar perspective. Thank you for posting. With bipolar coming from both sides, I worry very much about my daughters. I'm glad to know there are environmental triggers that can be avoided to help prevent the onset. Did you grow up in a restrictive home?

I'm having a hard day. Yesterday my WH and I talked about divorce and he ended up suicidal last night. He curled up into a ball and cried, saying he was too screwed up to ever have a happy life and that he wanted to die. I did what I could to take care of him and make him feel better but I feel very guilty for wanting to leave him. I see that he is struggling, I know that he is sorry for what he's done, but there has been so much abuse and so much infidelity that I don't see how I can ever feel safe with him. Yet I wouldn't leave him if he had a physical disease like cancer. It's all very confusing.

[This message edited by Zinnia at 4:09 PM, February 16th (Monday)]


FBW (me) - 41
Two lovely daughters - 5 and 8
Happily remarried and have a baby boy with new hubby

Posts: 205 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Colorado
Blindside
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Member # 13938
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out of interest, is a rapid escalation to anger something you've all experienced in a bipolar person? Or is that possibly a sign of some additional personality or mood disorder? It just takes WH the slightest feeling that he's being criticised, these days, and the anger just flares up and he can be really nasty, verbally. I can't tell if it's a deliberate act of deflection, or whether it's a lack of control. What comes out can be extremely hurtful, but more importantly it changes the topic of conversation completely. The issue that needs to be discussed never gets addressed.

He did always say that when he really wanted to, he could find anyone's weak spot. But I hardly ever saw that until the affairs started. Which were linked to bipolar episodes. And so it goes round and round.

And while I would love to know exactly what causes this, I do know it would be better to just not be exposed to it any more. If I could just ever have the conversations that I need to have, and some straight answers to everything rather than engage in ridiculous conversations that just leave us both frustrated and upset...Just to add, he always apologises afterwards. And says he feels incredibly bad about it. And he probably does. It still leaves me incredibly shaken, and often ill.

I also wonder if he really does think the things he says, but keeps them repressed until he feels under threat (rhetorical question).

It's so frustrating to not be able to communicate properly, because of his skewed view of things, and to feel scared of raising issues until they blow up out of all proportion.

Everything that's happened is so wrong. I feel sorry for him, for his illness, but essentially he always lands on his feet and finds enough sycophants to flatter and suck up to him, so he doesn't ever need to face up to reality. If anyone raises anything that isn't supportive of him and his views, they risk attack. And me, I'm left dealing with the fallout, always, and I get absolutely no support at all.

Sound familiar, anyone???

I haven't been around in a long time as I am still dealing with the hell of my FWH's out of control BP after almost a year and a half. I came and re-read all the posts and came across the above. I could have written it myself!

To make matters worse, not only do I get a verbal lashing, but he actually thinks that it is ME "attacking" him and that he is thinking as clearly as ever.

He was diagnosed in 07 and to date has not gotten on the right meds or done any of the things that could help stabilize himself (proper diet, journaling/mood charting, lessening alcohol and caffeine..he has never even finished a single book on the topic of BP. His docs and therapist act like his BP is none of my business, and have told him that our troubles would get better if only I'd stop DISCUSSING the BP. Never mind that i am trying to discuss a plan to better manage an illness that has been tearing up my life and that of my children's first with affairs, then with verbal abuse and plain old instability and chaos for two years straight now. And even though he has come close to losing his job due to lying and faking hours and jobs due to stress, they say he's "no where near being ill enough to warrant time off of work". All of this probably plays much into why I am seeing so many quick rage moments.

Anyhow, yes, his anger comes out of nowhere if I do anything at all. I try so hard not to mess up as to avoid his tirade. Despite my constant eggshell walking, inevitably I will do something he perceives as wronging him (which includes the mere mention to him of my pain with his As that never got dealt with), and then BAM. I don't see it coming and then out of no where, i am blindesided with his extreme hostility. I then have two choices: either slink down and let him talk to me that way or discuss things, leading to further rage. It is a true lose-lose.

A recent example: we were having a good day; he seemed even keeled for once. We were cleaning a room together and I was starting to get a little grumpy. Perhaps his nice behavior caused me to let my gaurd down a bit and I fell into the trap of thinking we were like "normal" people. It really wasn't a big thing. So he leaves the room with some stuff in his hands, and I assume he'll be back. He never came back and didn't tell me anything. i ended up cleaning the rest of the room alone. I tried VERY cautiously to tell him that I was upset (though obviously sunshine was not shooting out of my ass while I'd say it) and asked him why he didn't come back. He immediately went off the deep end AGAIN about how *I* was "attacking" him. He launches in about how horrible *I* always am to *HIM*. About how *I* was mean to *HIM* for having mentioned (and i quote) "THAT fucking affair business" once the night prior. He lays his butt on our bed with his hands behind his head like I'm not worth talking to and spews things like "YOU did this! This is NOT my illness, this is all YOUR fault!" and "Maybe it is for the best that we end things...I'm never going to be able to live up to what you apparently need".

Sigh. So yeah, I know all about the insta-rage. To open the topic back up, does anyone else here deal with this? And if so, how do you deal with it? Any effective strategies?


~Married Sept 27, 97
~D-Day #1, March 9, 07: WH EA w/ co-worker.
~D-Day #2, September 12, 07: Discovered EA/PA back on, that the 1st was actually EA/PA, and that we were in False R.
~R? .

Posts: 224 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Key West, FL
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When WH was on his bipolar meds (an anti-psychotic and a mood elevator), it seemed to make him even worse at times.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Zinnia
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Member # 21679
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah my WH has the insta-rage thing too. Basically exactly the same stuff Blindside has been dealing with, though it eventually escalated to physical violence.

I honestly don't have any advice for how to deal with it because I'm not dealing with it anymore. WH and I are separated and not living together.


FBW (me) - 41
Two lovely daughters - 5 and 8
Happily remarried and have a baby boy with new hubby

Posts: 205 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, February 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC told me the D rate with bipolar is nearly 100%.

I know I could not deal with it.

I was not going to live with it, either.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Danu
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Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, February 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could say what I'm seeing is more palatable than what I THOUGHT was going on, but it's not.

It's become undeniably obvious that Mr. D is in the throes of an exacerbation of his bipolar d/o.

He was taking a shitload of meds when I first met him. He was doing really well, super stable... never saw one single indication of pathological behavior. He transitioned off meds because they were impacting his kidneys, and he seemed to be absolutely fine.

He was off meds for about a year before the A began. Now I realize he was beginning to decompensate during that time and the A was probably the first outward manifestation of his downward spiral.

And all his crazy, illogical, non-sense actions since d-day make SO much more sense when framed in the light of bipolar d/o.

Holy shit.

I can't BELIEVE I didn't see this before!

We're in the process of Ding. I'm about to put a downpayment on a house... my gut was screaming at me to be careful - something wasn't right - DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!

So... I did some digging in my environment to find the hidden threat, and it was all laying right out in the open for me to see.

I got an eyeful of JUST how pathological he is right now.

Currently, he's got the gf totally snowed - she thinks he's going to marry her when our D is final...

He's fucking three other women on the side... and desperately trying to attract more women to his stable every day. It's pathetic.

He's overspending - packages arrive in the mail several times a week. I looked at his most recent credit card bill (he left it out)... among the other dozen charges for the month, he's taking gf on a cruise to the tune of $3,000.

He's taken out three different loans and remortgaged his house to the hilt in order to scrape up half of what he owes me for the property settlement (this, I knew about)... this money really exists in the bank - I've seen it. It's my downpayment for my new home.

He'll pay me $1,000/mo for the next four years until the entire property settlement debt is paid off... this is in the divorce agreement, which he JUST dropped off to the lawyer for review last week. It hasn't been filed yet.

He insists he can make good on this financial arrangement. Now that I've seen evidence of his psychological decline, his confidence in his ability sure strikes me as a delusion of grandure.

I'm insisting he cut me a check for the $45K sitting in the bank by Friday. I want it to be in MY account, so it doesn't disappear. I'm also now insisting he show me his bills, monthly loan payment amounts, and check stubs. I need to see for myself that he has enough money coming in to cover his bills, with $1,000 left over to pay me.

If the math doesn't add up, I'll have to put buying a house on hold until I get guaranteed full time hours. I know I can take care of all my financial needs when I get permanent full time work (I'm making good money now, but much of it is per diem, and I can't count on that from month to month)

Until I have a permanent full time job, I would be relying on Mr. D's monthly payment to cover some of my expenses. No fucking way will I rely on THAT - not with what I know now.

More evidence that he's going off the deep end...

He doesn't sleep much.
Works a 16 hour shift, then either goes out to entertain one of his women or comes home and works around the house or walks for an hour or two.
He can't sit still.
Admits that his thoughts are racing and he can't "shut off the voices in his head".
His moods are all over the place.
Exhibiting extremely poor judgement, doing things that create exactly the opposite result he says he wants.
Drinks too much alcohol.
Doesn't eat enough.
I found a doctor's prescription pad in his backpack... I'm afraid he may be forging scripts for himself.

Holy shit.

I've told him what I think is happening with him - minus the details of what I know. If he knew how much information I have on him, he'd perceive me as a threat, and I could be at risk. We still live in the marital home, but I'm off the deed and the mortgage, so at least I won't be held responsible if he defaults on his mortgage.

I've begged him to go back on meds - his therapist has told him the same thing. He stopped seeing her after the third time she suggested it.
He disagrees with my assessment of the situation, and even if I was correct, he swore to himself he'd never go back on meds again.

My only goal right now is to make sure I'm not one of the casualties when his life blows up in his face...

Am I missing anything?
Should I be doing anything else to protect myself?
Any words of wisdom from those in similar situations?

Just want to make sure I've got all my bases covered.


[This message edited by Danu at 10:32 AM, February 24th (Tuesday)]


"... your soulmate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit" Madonna

Posts: 4169 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: MA
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, Danu...sending you huge hugs!

Keep strong!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
SoulSearcher
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Member # 13016
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danu, I think you're doing the right thing by asking for as much of the money that he owes you as you possibly can now. Based on what you said his current spending habits are, you know that money will be gone very soon. Since he's not on meds and sounds extremely manic, you are doing the right things.

Hugs and good luck.


Me: BH (31)
Her: FWW (29)
Married 13 years
6 year old son
D-Day #1: 11/19/99 (6 Month EA/PA OM #1)
D-Day #2: 10/25/06 (2 Month EA/PA OM #2)

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." -Albert Einstein

"Think of a


Posts: 193 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Nevada
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is everyone doing here?

IC said "spring time" seems to escalate mania. It lessens in autumn.

Has anyone noticed this?
Because I most certainly have.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
sootired
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Member # 22952
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been suspecting my WW of being bipolar for a while, but the thing is, I've been told that a deeply foggy spouse will act more bipolar than most bipolars. No scientific evidence on my part, but i am beginning to believe it!


Me 42 BH
Her 35 WW-15 month EA followed by ONS(so she says) with another
seem to be in full R (i hope)
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 realize it was False R all along
2011 cautiously in R

Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow


Posts: 385 | Registered: Feb 2009
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are going through this, sootired, but what have you been observing? When in a manic state, bipolars can be more hypersexual...this has been my experience as well.

I suspect my WH has been drinking those "high energy" Power drinks. He has been supposedly drinking a lot of "coffee" to get used to his new grave yard shift , but IC said these Power drinks are very popular and extremely harmful to (unmedicated) bipolars.
Has anyone had this experience?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
4bygrace
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Member # 14713
Question  Posted: 12:23 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How would one know that they were bi-polar? My mom says she is bi-polar, but she is the type that likes to have a "syndrone". I am concerned about myself, and have asked my Dr. but he just says no, just depressed. Puts me on Zoloft and that really does nothing.


WS (previously BS me)- Then 33 now i'm 37
BS (Previously WS her)- Then 31 now 35
Kids - D-6 yrs old
S-under 2 yrs old
Status - not sure
D Day - March 07

Posts: 182 | Registered: May 2007 | From: South
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, bipolar disorder is one of those things that's really hard to diagnose until someone has their first manic episode. My wife was also diagnosed with depression for several years before her first manic event...and in fact, it was largely precipitated by the anti-depressants she was switched to when the Wellbutrin stopped working.

The caveat is that we could have learned this long before her affair if she'd been honest with her therapist at any point, but because she was afraid of being labeled as "crazy", she hid most of the manic sorts of symptoms and behaviors from her discussions with her therapist hoping they'd just magically stumble across a medication that made her feel "normal".


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
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