Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: mexico (43213)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. . . or it may be a wish for a different more nurturing partner than your H.

BT - I'm betting you have hit the nail directly on its head.
Or it may mean that you shouldn't have eaten that second helping of dessert last night.

Good one, BT. Actually, I started eating around 5 last night and didn't stop until I fell dead asleep on the sofa - most probably from my foodfest. Maybe I'd better go easy tonight.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, your decision makes perfect sense in every way. FT grad school and a PT job! 2008 is gonna be your year alright!! Go for it!

Btw, if I did half the excercises you did when I got angry, I would be one superfit mama! Jeez BT..you make the rest of us look like slackers.

Fnf, I am going to humbly disagree with you my friend. There is NO way in hell that OW would serve a purpose, or be of any aid to a M!!

Have you read up on the Madonna/whore syndrome? I think maybe your H has that going on. I know my H did to some level. But it wasnt that he respected me too much..he just thought that I was too much of a prude/goodygoody to do "stuff".
Now he knows better.

Fnf, I am just asking here ok?
If you are worried that his desires might prove a problem oneday, is there a remote possibility that you might meet him halfway in bed? I mean not the stuff that totally offends you, but somewhere inbetween. Who knows..you might discover another side of you...and like it. I know I did.
And Fnf, you know that I say this with the utmost respect for you ok.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf, I am going to humbly disagree with you my friend. There is NO way in hell that OW would serve a purpose, or be of any aid to a M!!

Lost - believe me, I don't believe this for one minute. This is just a theory that I learned in a sociology class that even at the time I thought was totally absurd. Now, living this, I just think that maybe that's what some WS's believed they were doing - saving the M by getting needs met that they didn't think we would want to meet for them. Problem is, they never told us or gave us the chance to meet them.
Having said this, there are some things totally off limits - not to be explicit but I don't do anal. Just not in me. He said she would do this. I could give other examples of "requests" but then I'd be embarrassed.
Anyway, I don't think I'm a prude and I certainly have discussed other options with him, but according to my H, most of what he mentions tends to center on this area - that's why I love to say, she was BUTT ugly. Pun on words for me.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with you on the anal stuff.Waay too gross for me.

So what does H think of your worries? How does he reassure you?
Off course OW would have to be butt ugly for that stuff..its not like anyones going to look at her face right?!

In my case, I dont think H thought he was doing our M any kind of favour by going out. He was never in the M, so to speak, from day 1. He just took what he wanted from whoever, screw everyone else and the consequences.
And no, I am not being mean. He TOLD me this. At least he is honest about his motives.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post.Sorry.

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 12:30 PM, January 7th (Monday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost- sent you a PM. Glad you enjoyed my humor.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost heart and FNF, thanks for the support.
As we were getting ready to leave, H made a joke about his layover in Trash's city, and I responded also jokingly, "You bastard, do you have any idea how hard this day is for me?" His face fell, and he immediately came over to me and held me and said "Never again. You don't ever have to worry about me ever eagain, you know that, right?" I explained that if every time I went to Stop & Shop I gave a guy a BJ, and then after it was all over, I left the house for the first time to go to Stop & Shop, his mind would have a hard time with that even if he trusted me. So he held me for a while, then we changed things slightly. Instead of him driving to the pick up point, I drove him so that our goodbye wouldn't be at the front door like it used to. And when he said goodbye in the car, he said he'd be in constant touch and call me all the time.
I'm still a wreck, but at least I have his reassurance. Thanks.


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, he also said it would even be worth the airfare not to put me through this.


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMStrong - That's so wonderful to hear. It's always reassuring when our H's give us exactly what we need and don't get defensive.
Hang in there and keep posting. Tomorrow will be here before you know it.
(((IMS)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's always reassuring when our H's give us exactly what we need and don't get defensive.

Well said Fnf!
IM, hang in there. find ways to keep you busy. when H has to sleepover the first months after, I took a sleeping pill. It helped me. Also we would speak to each other just when we were both in bed, and then again in the morning when I would phone to wake him up. You are going to be just fine!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMstrong- it sounds like you two are handling this just right. One thing I recommend is having a trigger plan in place- something you both have talked about and can implement. Is WH able to text or email while gone? One thing that worked great for us on WH's business trips is he would use his cell phone and video his surroundings and a message and send it to me, always including a clock or newpaper or something to prove it was a current video.

Those first business trips are so hard to handle, so keep leaning on us if you need to.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, BT, just caught your post about the job and school. Great decision, great for you. And I read your missive on anger.

As far as the anger goes, what really helped me was uncoupling the emotion from the actions. IOW, allowing myself to feel angry without punishing my H or anyone else for the anger. When I started to feel that anger welling up I would walk outside and skip rope, or get in my car, ride down the street with the radio up and just yell, or just on the elliptical trainer or pray.

So did your anger ever well up in front of someone who is so tuned to your slightest change in posture, tone of voice, footsteps that you don't get a chance to get away? He seems to sense it before I even notice that I've changed my stance or facial expression.

I'm great at doing just what you said when alone and my bathroom is my usual target. If H comes home and sees a shining spigot, he knows I was on a rampage about something.

IM I'm glad you were able to "get" to him through your analogy. I tried that with my H and his reaction was one of complete and utter denseness...only I used the gym as my "scene of the crime". His response was "hell no it wouldn't bother me if you told me it was over, especially if he was dead, like S. I'd trust you." Yeah, sure you would. But there's loads more men there buddy. Clueless.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMstrong, that's so nice that h was willing to listen to you and try to change things abit to lessen the trigger.

I had a hard tiem last night. The last 2 days wh has called to say he is late. Now, he gets off t 11:30 pm. That was when he had the affair. Woudl say he was alwasy staying late to get stuff done at work and woudl show up at 1-1:30 am or later. When i was that late I woudl call adnget no answer until he was on his way home.

So the rule now is if he can not get there by midnight then he nees to call. It happened once adn then the past two daysit happened. Then when he called form work to say goodnight ot the kids he was on dnner break supposedly but was veyr short wiht me and had to g right away. So the combo just had me upset and I was shrt with him adn got off the phone quickly. I was also short when he called to say he woud be late.

BTW, the late was about 3-5 minutes after midnight. So not really lat, but trying to ease my worry when he knew he woudl not be early.

Well, big ole breakthrough. He actually asked me what was up when he got home. Why I hadbeen upset. He never did that before!! I explained adn he said he wanted to be with me and he was behaving adn there was nothing for me to worry about ever again. What I needed to hear! Maybe he's getting it!!

You all talke about porn once before. I put a keylogger on adn haven't found a thing. Except soem porn, which I think he has alwasy looked at, although sometimes more than others. Lately it's maybe 3 times a week for less than 10 minutes. Seem okay to you all? I think I am okay with it.

And as far as anal. That is an exit, not an entrance. I saw some sites with pics of that on teh keylogger and i he ever brings it up I will be sure to let hime know that rule!!


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT Ė Iím so glad to hear youíve made the right decision for you! How exciting too! Full time grad school. Iím sure you can find something fun and/or creative to do part time too. Youíre an asset for anyone to have! Especially us!

FNF Ė Welcome home! Hope you had a good trip. Sorry you and LostH couldnít get together. We just love our LTA connections no matter who gets to participate!

It's called the functionalist theory. It goes something like this - Prostitution and extramarital A's provide a function in society to keep M together. That since some men have needs that their wives cannot fulfill, it is necessary for the sake of the M to go outside the M, thereby serving the function of keeping the M intact. Here's a direct quote (yes, I did pull that dusty book off my shelf) - beware - it is totally messed up. " . . . prostitution (I'm adding extramarital A's since IMO these OW do prostitute themselves) has important effects on the moral system, indeed, the activity actually strengthens that system . . . prostitution enables sexual gratification to be achieved in a variety of ways without placing excessive demands on wives and thus threatening the institution of the family.

Language Warning

LMAO!!! Iím sure this ďfunctionalist theoryĒ was written by some fucktard group of academics all banging their little academic assistants! What a crock of shit! Yeah, they donít talk about the aftermath and fallout on the family unit OR the devastation and trauma of waking up one day realizing the guy youíve been sleeping with and having children with for the past 150 years likes anal and screwing other women! What? If he liked barnyard animals does that count too? For Godís sake Ė talk about coming up with a theory from your one brain to serve the other brain! HA! Sorry, I just had to go off on this one. Gotta love these theorists.

So hereís my theory. We rid ourselves of a patriarchal society that makes whoring permissive and acceptable and we talk real about the domino effect on the family unit and society at large when women are predatory and men are spineless cowards and the whole world becomes a better place.

Iím in a mood today! Can you tell? Most of the reason is that Iíve been waiting for over two weeks for my PAP results (for you newbies my H and the diseased whore gave me the HPV virus resulting in surgery last May for precancerous cells in the cervix caused by HPV. I had an abnormal PAP on my 3 mo. follow up exam and then went back again two mos. later for another PAP) The lab messed up my cultures now and I have to go back for another PAP and canít get in until the 30th for another PAP! I guess itís better than another abnormal but I think you all know how important it is to me to get this behind me! ARGH!

Welcome to any newbies I havenít welcomed yet.

Hey! Seven, now six more posts to go and weíve filled yet another thread!! Wow!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cough, hack, hack, hack, cough...going to bed...I hope none of you get this... hs


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry to see what you are going through Cowgirl. I'm right there with you my friend - sending you strength and lots of hugs.

As far as the "functionalist theory" -- I would ask the author(s) of that crap to come walk in my shoes for a minute. Idiot(s).

Thanks for the kind words Lost Heart - yes, we are trying to work out date nights by swapping time with other couples - so no one has to pay a babysitter. But my reference to HB is actually for HO Bitch -- but for clarity's sake I will call that thing The HO Bitch aka THB. And let's not forget her moron attorney aka the Putz.

Have a good week everyone.

(((((((((LTA Tribe))))))))))



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crap, Cowgirl, that's ridiculous. You would think that they would try to make up for their mistake by bringing you in ASAP, rather than making you wait another whole month. Talk about adding insult to injury.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm lurking for the 1st post in our soon to come new digs!!!!!

Ya'll know what it does to me when I don't get to jump in first.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, thanks everyone for your support. It'a amazing how much you all have helped me, just knowing that you're there, and can relate to how I feel. Imagine, you're all strangers, really, since I've only been posting a week (?) and yet I can share that humilitaing, scary, dark part of my soul that no one IRL will ever know exists in me. I am so so grateful to you all.
I just spoke to H and we are watching the same TV show together.
So Lost, it's so easy for them to forget what we're going through. He was probably just busy, or anoyed at having to work late, and it didn't even enter his mind that your mind might go "there".


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, I'm going to do it! I'm making the last post on this thread......


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.