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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for all the support. It is so nice to know that there are people listening who really do understand. I wish no one was able to understand, but I really need that support adn am thankful to have found it.

Weepy, it sound slike you all really had a bit of a breakthrough. Sounds very powerful. I find when something like that happens that I want to dwell in the drama and emotions of it all and Wh quickly moves out of it and I feel a bit let down. He can probably only handle so much emotion at once, but you saw it and it's in there and you know he can communicate it with you, he just needs time.

FSA, good luck!!!! I suspect many of us say things on here that we woudl never say IRL. With all this hurt, there has to be a place to let loose. Otherwise you'd be blasting the f word in Children's choir! lol

Secondwife, just sending you hugs! I'm sorry you have to be here with us!

Kelsey, it's so true. I feel like I could write many of the same things as others on this site.

Welcome 2yrsintehdark~I'm so sorry you're here but I am finding this group is as supportive as they come!

I think one of my biggest hurdles is that I have not told anyone at all in IRL. My Wh doctor b/c of ST testing--he called to see how I was and talked to me for 45 mintues. And our MC. I have several good friends and lots of family but I just can't do it. I can't see that pity in their eyes or the judgements of me staying or going. I want to get past this and be normal again, whatever that is, adn I don't think that willhappen f everyone knows.

Now that is't to say that people don't know. Lots do. They worked together and this is a very small area and we all work at the one large hospital. So I suspect maybe 20 or more people at work know.

I caught him before hefee lback to sleep this morning form egttin gup off our daughters floor (horrible sleeping issues with her!). I told him I had been thinking of what the MC said and that dissecting his feelings for her was not going to make me feel ay better. So I asked him if today, right now, was he in love with her. He paused and then looked me in the eye adn said no. I asked if he was in love with me. He didn't hesitate and said yes. I said okay, that's all I need to know, I don't need to think about that part any more. He laughed and kissed me and went to sleep. I don't knwo if he was answering the way I want ortruthfully but I am letting that part go. it is doing me no good. And he is here, with me.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your H thinks that you blame yourself for things that are not your fault.

... yelled at me "no one's blaming you!

Is there any truth in that?

Of course there's truth to that, I was always blamed for every thing. Just yesterday, he called me from a job and said "why do you let me get involved with these guys, the job is screwed up." And I had nothing to do with it. Of course he says he's kidding when he does it. It's manipulation. I have to FORCE myself to see where I have some control and where I don't.

So yesterday, I made a point of saying "None of this is MY fault" before I launched into why I was upset.

Part of the our LTA issue is how often and how well he tried to instill the feeling at home that nothing we did was good enough for him. We (kids included) weren't smart, weren't logical, were never doing our best, didn't think before we acted. I wasn't trying hard enough to lose weight, I was lazy, couldn't manage money (I was a financial analyst at work) He once screamed at me because I didn't stock 3 cans of his favorite soup one day when he went to look for it to eat.

So restoring my sense of well being, self esteem, confidence is a critical part of my IC. That's also where I got my sense of control. He held me responsible for everything and then turned it around that I didn't need him because I was running everything. It was truly a fucked up dynamic. One he obviously still feels comfortable in because he keeps trying to take me back there.

So yesterday when he came in the door, I said to him "Gee why do I keep getting you involved with these useless contractors anyway?" And he laughed. He knows he does it.

2 years, sorry to see another member.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O.K. ya'll bear with me on this one. I know that as a rule I stay pretty negative about my H. But I need to give him a little brag.

He emailed me a poem today from work. Never in 22 years has he written me a poem. Right at first I thought maybe someone had written it for him, but when I noticed the spelling mistakes, I knew it came right from him. He is trying soooo hard. He is going to buy us a new house (which we need desperately), he is looking into a job change (better money and I can be a SAHM and away from law enforcement which is what he was doing when all this started), he washes dishes and cooks, he runs most all of the errands with the kids, he answers all my questions (which I have got to quit asking b/c I never like the answers so why ask), he is willing to do anything that I ask for in my healing, he attends Church faithfully (never did that before Dday but then I didn't either), even listens to constructive criticism from me (I now tell him some of the things that I used to hold in and fume on).

Me on the other hand....I need to work on me. I'm still carrying around alot of anger and pain. At some point I've got to let it go. I heard a sermon quite some time back about letting things go. We try and let them go but we tend to hang onto them somewhat like a balloon on a string. I'll let it go, but I'm going to keep ahold to it with a little string to pull it in when I want to. To fully let it go, we've got to learn to cut that string. Let the balloon fly away.

O.K. that's about as deep as ole FSA gets. Maybe I should stick to silly little ditties.

FSA



Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy, regarding your H's unwillingness to be open, I said something in MC that helped my H to vow to tell me everything, no matter how painful.
First, let me say that if it were me that was the WS, I would HATE talking about it. I was dating someone when my H and I met, and I inadvertently hurt my H by confiding my "feelings" for this other guy, not realizing H had a major crush on me. I hate it when he brings that guy up, because I am embarrassed and ashamed that I hurt him, even though I had every right to date, so imagine how much your H may hate talking about something that hurt you so badly.
OK, what I said in MC: I need the whole truth because it gives me power. If I know everything now, nothing can hurt me in the future. And heaven forbid, the OW ever approaches me, I will be armed with the knowledge my H gave me. It will take away her power to surprise me, shock me, or hurt me. Also, if I forgive him for a 10 month affair, and later find out it was 3 years, it's really not fair that I have forgiven him without full knowledge of what he had done. Also, each bit of new information, hurts. I would rather get it all over with as soon as possible, because finding out in dribs and drabs prolongs the pain. The sooner you know everything, the sooner you can process it and move on. Keeping it from you does not help, because the questions eat at you, and he may find that the answers are easier for you to handle than what you imagine the answers might be. And finally, he will stop living in fear that every time you ask a question, his answer might be the one thing that you can't forgive. It will help to affair proof your marriage if you know and forgive everything, and it will close the gap that lies between you create. If you know everything, and forgive, both of you can move on.Maybe if you promise him that you will continue to reconcile, no matter what new truths he reveals.


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA, I hesitate to tell you what I did about this, because I am not really an openly religious person. I am studying to convert to Catholicism, and as part of that I do something called Perpetual Adoration. I sit in the chapel for 1 our a weeek with the communion wafer that is on display, so that He is never alone.
Well, one day I was there and spiraling down really bad. I was alone, so I went right up to the altar, got on my knees, and begged Him to take the anger, bitterness, need for revenge, and all the other shit we are carrying around in our hearts away from me. I was crying and rocking back and forth and all the things that I would never let anyone see me do. I told Him that I reject all the negative feelings, and at the end, made sure I asked all this "in Jesus' name". I read somewhere that saying that adds to your plea.
It's what helped me. I have still had to pray a similar prayer after that one time, but I really felt a cleansing that day.
God has been a big part of my recovery. The very day after I decided to convert was my Dday, so I feel like He called me to Him just when I needed Him most.
I also found comfort in reading that God will take care of our enemies for us. We may never know how or what he does, but He avenges us, and from everything I've heard, seen, read, God is on the side of marriage, there is no doubt about that.

[This message edited by IMstrong at 12:36 AM, January 7th (Monday)]


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

me again. 3 posts in a row, I'm such a thread hog.
My H's A was conducted far away, so every time he saw OW, he had to get on a plane. Since DDay, he has vowed that we would never spend another night apart.
Well, work is sending him on an overnight trip tomorrow. Because it is so last minute, the airfare is ridiculously high, too much for me to even consider spending just so I can feel better. I know it's a legitimate trip becasue as I said previously, I have access to all his work e-mails, and I even saw one of the guys he's going away with today, and we openly discussed the trip. That's not the issue.
The time has come for me to put my trust to the test. I know he is true, loyal, faithful, all that. But my head has been pounding since I made the plane reservations. I keep remembering al the times I stood at the front door holding back tears as he left. Not knowing that he was going to another woman. Now for the first time, I have to stand at the front door and wave goodbye again. I KNOW he won't do anything bad, I know it, but I will be physically doing the same exact thing I used to do when he WAS having an A. I know I'm triggering badly, because I have been tearing up today about a thousand times. Took some Xanax because I had stabbing pains in my chest (but on the right side). My eyes feel like they do after you've cried for an hour, you know that feeling? Pfft, look who I'm asking, you all know that feeling.
So please bear with me. I may be a thread hog until Tuesday midnight.
Oh, and the icing on the cake? He has a 2 hour layover in the city where it all took place. He wanted to buy a computer camera and set it up so I can see him sitting by himself in the airport, but he'll be with 2 other guys from work so I am just too embarrassed to let him do that. I just hope his flight doesn't get cancelled like the last time we both had a layover in that city. Maybe I'll drive to the airport so I can drive him home if that happens. it's only a 16 hour drive.


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IM, 'preciate your input. I acutally did say something like that a long time ago... that I couldn't forgive what I didn't know. Our problem is that he's "accepted" that I will never forgive him. Says he can live with that. Rather than be honest and open, he'd rather live with misery. Yet, if you ask him, he'll say he's happy. He's just f'd up.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to my tribal buddies - I missed you all.
So sorry to see the new members here. It truly breaks my heart knowing that every time we are away from here for whatever reason, we can be sure to find new members when we return.
Lost Heart, I am so disappointed that we didn't get the chance to meet in person but it was great talking to you on the phone.
I must say that you sound like one of the sweetest, kindest persons and when I hung up the phone with you I was that much more disappointed that we didn't get to meet IRL. To tell the truth, hearing your voice and sensing that you are a genuinely good person, made me so mad that you are going through this. Why is it that our WS's don't appreciate how lucky they are to have us? I hope you are feeling better and that the next time I return to visit my son we can make our meeting happen. I am definitely coming back in July of '09 for his graduation but hoping to return long before that.
FSA - I loved your balloon analogy. I just wish it were that easy for me. I really felt like I had let my bitterness go until my H seriously disappointed and hurt me on Christmas. My MC/IC has told me that I have a "protector self" (that we all do) and when we feel threatened then our protector self puts up walls to shield us from too much pain. So I don't know if I'm holding onto the string, rebuilding walls or both right now but I do believe that until I feel safe again, it just isn't possible to let go of my hurt, anger and pain.
Weepy, sounds like you've had a few good times since I've been away. I know there have been a few frustrating moments too, but I'm glad for those that lifted your spirits.
IMStrong - sending lots of hugs of support right now and will keep doing so until your H returns. I know how difficult this is going to be but we'll be here for you, on that you can be sure.
To the rest of the tribe - I hope this year will bring all of us a little more joy and a lot less pain. Thank you all for being here. Like so many have said, I don't know what I'd do without your concern and support.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to share my dream with you all to see if anyone has any ideas about what it could mean. If anyone has read my profile, you know that the OW's H died during the A. I have always wondered if he knew or suspected and if he did why he never came to me. Sometimes, if I let it, it really bothers me that he didn't let me know if he had suspicions. I would have ended it so much sooner.
Anyway - the dream.
I dreamt that the OW was dead not her H and that he came to my house and my H was there too. He asked me to go for a walk with him and as we walked he took my hand and I put my head on his shoulder. He leaned into me and told me he loved me and in my mind I was thinking that wouldn't that be the ultimate revenge if we fell in love. I knew I didn't love him but I wanted to hurt them. I can't remember anything else, maybe it just ended there but I keep wondering why I would have dreamt this. The weird thing that I do remember is the sense that I was safe. I felt he was protecting me.
Any ideas?

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:54 AM, January 7th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sick as a dog but leading a newbie in...can you guys help while I go cough up a lung? hs


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FnF!! Welcome back!
You know that after I put down the phone,I had a lump in my throat? It was so affirming, real, good to talk to you. YOU are a real person who knows what its like. I was so looking forward to meeting, but I guess it wasnt to be.Def next time!
I hope the holidays went well with you and yours.

Re. your dream. I believe that people who have passed do visit us in our dreams. Maybe OWH was sending you comfort or solace? Maybe he represents a Guardian Angel? I dont think that there was anything sinister in your dream.Or maybe he represents a side of you that you dont acknowledge? Wow, I am just a fountain of maybes today, arent I?

IM, how are you today? Did you manage ok then? Isnt it weird how the things we found so simple before, are now just mountains? Weird in a sucky way.

Weepy, I think your response to H was spoton.

Gee why do I keep getting you involved with these useless contractors anyway?" And he laughed. He knows he does it
.
Answering him tongue in cheek, and NOT taking him too seriously could have benefits for both of you.

FSA, I wish I saw my resentment/anger/etc as one balloon! For me, its more like the whole balloon shop. But FNF makes a good point methinks.

but I do believe that until I feel safe again, it just isn't possible to let go of my hurt, anger and pain

Its only when we feel safe, that we can let go. I KNOW that that will hold true for me.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The weird thing that I do remember is the sense that I was safe. I felt he was protecting me.
Any ideas?

Welcome to the newbies.
Sorry you qualify but a warm welcome to you all.

fnf,

Dream analysis is a tricky thing...books on the subject tend to give meaning to objects and themes as if there is a general meaning for all.
My problem with the books is that if you dreamt of an uncle under an apple tree, and I dreamt of an uncle under an apple tree...we both could have very different interpretations simply because apples may relate to or trigger different emotions or memories, as would an uncles.. for each of us......kwim.

I tend to dissect my dreams trying to relate them to current events or dilemmas in my life. The symbols of the dreams are "keys" for my subconscious chatter.

Your dream may be a deep, but straight forward, sense or "need" to have someone directly connected to the whole misery and pain of your specific situation really UNDERSTAND how unsafe and unprotected you felt...and maybe still do feel about it all.
And from reading your posts since you joined, it is obvious that you have deep compassion for others.....so there may be an unfulfilled sense of empathy for what the OW's H did or didn't know about what was happening to his life before he died.

And that is a very sad thing.
One that many BS think about, I know I have.. if D-day was still looming out there.....or if it never came and we would die without ever knowing...or worse yet, it was still continuing.

Just a thought.....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF - Not too many insights here when it comes to dreams. I have them all the time and try to forget.

I think that the feeling you wanted to "hurt them" is something we have all felt. I definitely have felt this ALOT. I want OW to FEEL the hurt she has caused and also want H to feel my pain also.

I feel some safety in this anger. If I have anger I am essentially protecting myself. IC says it is my way of not being so vulnerable again. Of course just being with WS makes me vulnerable. But by protecting myself I am holding back from him.

She also says I have to decide if I want to remain protected or open myself up to what could be a wonderful and loving relationship.

I still read the obituaries daily hoping to see her name there. Guess I'm not ready to go unprotected yet!


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HurtS - Hope you feel better soon. Take care of youself.

Also welcome to all the newbies! Takes me awhile to catch up over the weekend. Always surprised how many new faces show up over such a short time.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right behind you HS.

Like I said, I don't post much, but I read everything from here that I can.

I am now on the West Coast for good!

FNF - I would think that you want them to feel the same dispare of having their worlds crash down. Also, you probably still feel somewhat powerless - f*** WE didn't have an mother effing clue!

I have dreams close to that and they unsettle me.

Right now, I'm at my MIL's house, the woman saves everything. We are trying to clean up the clutter and I am finding that this place is a huge trigger for me.

One of the things he said was that I never wanted to go out and party on a Friday or Saturday night (duh, who's going to get up with the children), so now that we are empty nesters, I said sure! Lets go.

I was having the time of my life, I was lucky at pool, was having an incredible hair day and several men came up to AH while I was standing next to him and said "it must be nice to be with a beautiful woman". He said he was tired and made us go home. I didn't want to, but I went anyway. It didn't get any better when we got home.

All I can think about is - would they have said that about her? And, if I'm so beautiful, why did you lower yourself with that gutter snipe?

I've been able to say a few things on my mind and heart, but not everything.

I'm so tired of feeling like she is/was/has always been better than me.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart - I know exactly what you mean. When I woke up that day and thought we might actually meet in person, tears stung my eyes. I couldn't wait to throw my arms around you and know that you knew - that we both knew - exactly what the other was going through. I don't have anyone IRL to share this with. I have friends who sympathize but no one can really understand what this pain feels like until they've experienced it.
Also, I love your comment about a whole balloon shop. Maybe that's what we need to do, focus on letting go of one string at a time.
It's just too impossible to let go of the whole mess at once.
I do hope you're right about having the OW's H looking over me. So many times I talk to him and ask him WHY????? Why didn't you come to me? Why didn't you trust me to take care of this? If only.
Your dream may be a deep, but straight forward, sense or "need" to have someone directly connected to the whole misery and pain of your specific situation really UNDERSTAND how unsafe and unprotected you felt...and maybe still do feel about it all.

Wow, NAS, this really makes sense to me. I have often wondered if he knew or had serious suspicions and how that must have felt knowing while he was dying that she was f'ing someone else instead of being there with him in his final days. What a miserable, worthless person she is.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome home, FNF. I'm sorry you didn't get to meet Lost. I was really looking forward to you two having that opportunity.

Having just done a paper on dream analysis and its place in psychoanalysis I can tell you that one school of psychology believes that dreams represent the fulfillment of unconscious wishes that are unacceptable to our conscious selves for whatever reason.

Seen in that light, your dream may simply be a revenge scenario that you would not actually do in real life, or it may be a wish for a different more nurturing partner than your H.

Or it may mean that you shouldn't have eaten that second helping of dessert last night.

In any event, if it brought you a feeling of peace and safety, that can't be a bad thing, can it?


As far as the anger goes, what really helped me was uncoupling the emotion from the actions. IOW, allowing myself to feel angry without punishing my H or anyone else for the anger. When I started to feel that anger welling up I would walk outside and skip rope, or get in my car, ride down the street with the radio up and just yell, or just on the elliptical trainer or pray.

I found if I felt the feelings and did one of those physical things the anger kind of flowed through and out, but if I reacted to it by lashing out at someone it continued to mount and grow. Plus, it resulted in bad feelings about myself and those I certainly didn't need any more of.

When I stopped using anger as an excuse to punish is when my anger seemed to start dissipating.
***************

I wanted to thank you all for the good wishes on the job. After ruminating on it for five days, I ended up turning it down. There was just no way I could do it and not cause a major hardship for my family.

So, I will go ahead and pursue full-time admission to graduate school and look for part-time work in the meantime.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was just no way I could do it and not cause a major hardship for my family.

So, I will go ahead and pursue full-time admission to graduate school and look for part-time work in the meantime.

(((BT)))),
And that decision in itself is a wonderful step forward for YOU.

You have claimed what you need for YOU to feel okay with your next step.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Numb. You always know just the right thing to say.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can think about is - would they have said that about her? And, if I'm so beautiful, why did you lower yourself with that gutter snipe?

GTMI - That's the million dollar question, isn't it?You know the funny thing is, the OW in my case is BUTT ugly. (LostHeart - I had a picture of the OW with me that day - I was dying to show you so you could let everyone know just how ugly she really is and that I haven't been exaggerating.)
Anyway, that was the biggest shock of all for me and anyone else who found out. No one could believe it. So many times my H would tell me when someone told him how pretty I was. He seemed so proud. Then to find out that this troll was who he preferred f'ing. It still leaves me baffled and so hurt.
It is interesting that once this person made the comment about how beautiful you are your H suddenly was tired and wanted to go home. It's like they suddenly see us as others do and can't handle the shame of knowing they lowered themselves to the extent that they did. Stupid fucktards! (Sorry for the language today - I'm not in the best of places this morning )
My H recently admitted that she let him do some pretty nasty stuff and that he respected me too much to ask me to do these things. I really believe this is more common than not. Why else would they lower themselves?
I can't let myself dwell on this too much because I can get seriously ill thinking about his need for perversion. It's one of my greatest fears, that this need will resurface and off he'll go finding another troll to fill his perverse needs.
I hope no one minds if I go off on a theory I learned in one of my sociology classes too many years ago but it comes to mind so often now. It's called the functionalist theory. It goes something like this - Prostitution and extramarital A's provide a function in society to keep M together. That since some men have needs that their wives cannot fulfill, it is necessary for the sake of the M to go outside the M, thereby serving the function of keeping the M intact. Here's a direct quote (yes, I did pull that dusty book off my shelf) - beware - it is totally messed up. " . . . prostitution (I'm adding extramarital A's since IMO these OW do prostitute themselves) has important effects on the moral system, indeed, the activity actually strengthens that system . . . prostitution enables sexual gratification to be achieved in a variety of ways without placing excessive demands on wives and thus threatening the institution of the family.
When I first heard this I actually laughed and thought how riduculous this theory was. Now, seeing how so many of us are suffering from our S's LTA, I can't help but wonder how many of them actually believed this too without knowing that such a theory even existed. When my H tells me he "respected me too much" to ask me to do these things, I think he must have thought he was somehow saving our M by going to the troll and she was just stupid enough and had such low self esteem to grant him his perverse pleasures.
Trouble with this whole theory is they never talk about the aftermath, the pain, tragedy and devastation of it all.
So, GTMI, that is my long-winded opinion as to why they lower themselves. I know this isn't the case for all, but I do think it may very well be the answer in my H's case.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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