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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome So Lost. I think your name sums up how we've all felt after d-day.

Read and re-read what OTC wrote to you, she really knows what she's talking about.

I'm sorry you are here, but this is the BEST support to get through this that you could find anywhere.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome SoLost--sorry you're here but it's a great support system and feels good to have such good online friends.

Thanks for all the anniversary wishes--it was good--still can't really feel like I'm celebrating 31 years, but am celebrating 26 of them! Here's to more years of just us and lots of new memories--need to override all the LTA memories for both of us!

And happy holidays to all--hope all aren't too stressed and we can enjoy this beautiful season.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, it's official. I've made my first yuletide martini (Vodka, Midori and ginger ale with a cherry at the bottom for the Christmas colors) mmmmmmm. So just want to get a little sappy for a second.

This time of year is for family and friends. And you all have become both to me over the past year. I can't tell you all how much it's meant to me to be here, sharing this journey with all of you. We've all said it, but I'll say it again. The reason we've all come together sucks about as bad as it can, but this little LTA tribe is truly, truly one of the most blessed silver linings in the dark cloud. I feel my life would have lacked had I not met and shared my life with this incredible group of people. My heart is with all of you this Christmas and Hanukka as we all turn to our families and reflect on the love that surrounds us. I wish all of you peace and joy this holiday and know we will all have a better year in 08! (((((My Tribe)))))

[This message edited by OneToughCowgirl at 6:20 PM, December 21st (Friday)]


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to everyone. Sorry for the lack of posting. This working and commute is eating up all of my time.

To the newbies -- so sorry you are here, but a warm welcome to you. There are many wonderful folks here.

This holiday season is harder than last year. Think I was in shock last Christmas. Now, the reality. Can't even read in the OC thread b/c they allow the OWs to post just about anything they want and most of what they say makes me sick.

We are not transitioning well. Me working is taking a tremendous toll on our family unit. I am off for the next couple of days and plan to consider just how to get out from behind the 8 ball.

H & I rarely see each other. He works nights and weekends most weeks. I am working very early until late and then passing out from exhaustion. We try to continue communications by cell phone.

Please, someone tell me this will work out. Oldest DS is acting out. DSD still won't speak to H. She came to visit - wouldn't even look at him. It really stresses me to be in the same room with them both.

I am so very sad tonight. Struggling. I am very angry with the continual realization that this POS HO will be in my life for the next 16 years. Stupid HO sent an email this week - trying to stir up more trouble. Now we need to cancel yet another email account.

I would really like to release the anger in my heart towards the HO.

I cannot.

How do I find peace in this season? How do I ease my aching heart?

I just don't know if I can fake it anymore. I'm sad and I cannot put a smile on that.

Sorry Tribe. I meant to post something lovely and supportive. Thinking of you all -- ((((((((hugs)))))))))



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
amazedbyitall
♂ Member
Member # 17459
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read that most affairs last 18 to 24 months so a long term in my opinion would be over 2 years


Me BS 53
Her WW 50
Married 19 years
Together 25yrs-2 girls
She moved out 9/1/07
D day 10/19/07
Filed D & RO 1/17/08
Divorced 3/18/08 No settlement yet



Posts: 147 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Central Midwest
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SVS)))) I'm so sorry to hear you in this place. How about some decadent self care over the holidays. Hot baths, hot cocoa, kiddy kisses and foot rubs from H? Not that it will make all the bullshit you've had over the past year go away, but a few days off work and a little TLC may make things a little brighter. And for God's sake, don't try to be superwoman over the holidays. Allow the holidays to be for you too dear. I hope you can find some peace knowing that your friends here care very much about you and that you are loved like crazy by those gorgeous children of yours. Hang in thee SVS. There are better days ahead. So much of the worst of it is behind you. You have triumphed over the evil whore! ((((((SVS))))))


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazedbyitall - Yes, most consider two plus years LTA around here. Are you here to join us?


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Cowgirl. We are planning to sleep and play. H is working every day I am off, except Christmas Day, thank goodness. But the kids and I will have a lovely time, I know it.

Just triggering I guess. Well, that and feeling the weight of the last year. Perhaps I expect too much of myself. Expect myself to "bounce" and just be okay. Funny, I just told my mother last weekend, when she was trying to force DS to smile, that he most certainly has the right to be sad. As long as he was not harming anyone or anything, why shouldn't he be allowed his feelings?

You are right, though. We won. And that was quite an accomplishment. But we must continue to make the HO toe the line. And we will.

Thanks for the support Cowgirl. Sending you many hugs.



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zolotas, you are not alone. It's the nature of my recovery that I can't hang out here, I start obsessing, so I only read when I am going through what you are now. I've been great for a long time, but for the past few weeks have been just spiraling down, like you. Maybe it's the holidays and thoughts of those Christmasses when I was blissfully oblivious to the fact that there was another woman in his head, in my marriage. I have been beating myself up for not seeing the signs, for trusting his lies when I did ask questions. Like it's MY fault that it lasted so long. Beating myself up for not being over this already, after 22 months.
I'm sorry if this post isn't helping you, but I want you to know that you heped me tonight. I read your post and got goosebumps and tears (of relief) in my eyes. I'm not crazy, I'm not a whiny baby, and somewhere out there is you, who know how I feel.


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the wonderful welcome!

OTC-your post really touched me. I hope and pray that you are right about my wh and he is telling the truth. i do think he is, but I cannot let myslf trust him just yet. Maye some ay, but not yet. In my sane moments, I realize he got himself in over his head when I was bsy with two yung kids and then jus neve had the courage to completely end it. When he was caught he realized that was not what he wanted, he wants us, and will happily work to make that better. I hope that it's true. He seems willing to do what I ask adn what the MC tells him. I think the problem is, h doesn'tknwo what to do and I hate asking. We both need to work a littel harder on that.

Anyway, I so appreciate the welcome and I look forward to talkingto and learning from you all.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI EVERYBODY!!!! FSA IS BACK

Welcome So Lost. Sorry you find yourself here, but we're a nice bunch.

25 Happy Anniversary!!!! 31 years, right? Wow...

I've kept up slightly the last few days. I was way way down at the bottom of the pit there for a while. Ugh Ugh Ugh.....But alas, I am making that climb back up again. And starting to feel pretty good. The worst part was how great I was doing before the fall hit me. Just made me land that much harder. Damn!!!!

H and I had a talk today though that opened his eyes. He has always always claimed it was nothing but sex. But today I finally made him realise that for her it was different. She wanted to be the next Mrs FSA. She wanted to be the respectable cops wife instead of the dirt that she is. She wanted me gone. And she even waited a loooong time for it to happen. Now that H finally gets that, he feels like a fool. Poor poor baby. He can finally see her for who she truly is. Not just a cheap whore, but a conniving bitch who would step on anyone to get to her ultimate goal. Yeah, he finally knows who she is. Snaggletooth bitch. Wish I would have thought about it in time to send her a Christmas card. It would have read to Snaggletooth, I do hope that Ole Santa brings you some teeth this year.

Have a busy schedule ahead for the next handful of days, as I'm sure you all do. Looking forward to being with all the kids. H and I have also been house shopping. We need a new house desperately. And looks like I'm going to get it in not too distant of the future. We looked at one a couple of days ago that I fell in love with. I've already started decorating it in my mind. So ya'll keep your fingers crossed for me.

(((((SVS))))) Hang in there girl. My IC has taught me a new prayer that I want to share with you. Satan is constantly jabbing at us LTA BS's with the A. He knows that is our weakest spot, and he's going to use it. The closer we draw to God the harder Satan will jab at us. So she has taught me a prayer to pray for Jesus to protect me with a thick hedge to surround me. B/c Satan will continue to jab at me, at least the thick hedge will block most of the blows and then I only have to deal with the ones that make it through the holes in the hedge. Satan is not going to give up and leave us alone on this. But we can pray for some help at blocking him. Did any of that make sense. I can get a better visual of it than I can put it in words.

To all the LTA Tribe. I don't know what I would do without you all. I hope each and everyone of you have a blessed Christmas.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, December 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just popping in for probably the last time until after Christmas. I just got the "ok" from H to host Christmas Eve. He objected last year because it meant he had a lot of work to do before it happened.... oh and I didn't "consult" him prior. As BT says he said it during one of his "stupid" phases.

Wishing all of you a joyous and peaceful holiday, a spectacular New Year is ahead of us, filled with friends and new challenges. We will overcome one way or another.

I'm having a rough time because of the timing of his "visits" to the pros coinciding with every major holiday, and now, reading here for some reason has got me thinking again about how he never did throw her under the bus for me, just put her on the curb. Four years after the "breakup" he grieved for her. He still saw her, socialized with her, he just didn't fuck her, so he thought that was ok. Still does.

He's out at MC and I wonder why every time he goes... maybe he truly is truly a selfish asshole and no amount of counseling is going to change that. All that's keeping me here is hope that it's just emotional consitipation and some day it will pass.

Yeah, he gave me grief for being an optimist... too bad he doesn't see that if I wasn't... he wouldn't be around.

Love to all you guys.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, December 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, I'd like to add my welcome to you SoLost. I agree with the others here who say that your H seems to be sincere about R. This is a tremendous blessing. Believe me, I don't think I'd have been able to continue in my M if my H had not been committed to my healing from the very beginning.

There is something I've wanted to share that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I hope this comes out the way I want it to - I want this to be a message of hope as we begin the New Year.

Tommorow will be my 2 year d-day "anti-versary". A lot has happened since that dreadful day. I've had a DD married just 2 1/2 months after d-day, another DD graduate college magna cum laude 3 months later, a DS married this summer and two weeks later I celebrated the birth of my beautiful grandson. So many wonderful things to celebrate!

The point I am trying to make is that no matter how much grieving we must go through to get beyond the awful reality of our S's LTA, life does, in fact, go on. LIFE MOVES FORWARD and in moving forward takes us with it. It takes us beyond the suffering, pain and heartbreak of their LTA. It shows us that good things, beautiful things will replace our sadness. We will find joy. Their is a light at the end of this tunnel even though at times we feel we will never see that light. You can not rush this process. It does take time. And sometimes the sadness is so profound it's impossible to believe that we will ever experience joy again. But believe me, you will find joy and peace again.

There is so much love and support on this site. Come here if you need to be comforted. Know that we all have been where you are now. Know that everyone of us understands the depth and reality of pain from a LTA. None of us deserved this betrayal but we are here and we have found support, comfort and wisdom here and that in itself is a wonderful thing.

My wish for everyone of us is that we look for the joy that is in our world. That none of us ever feels alone during this healing process. Don't give up hope. Don't believe for one minute that no one cares or understands. Their is love in this world and there are reasons to celebrate.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Love to all my friends here on SI.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:51 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, December 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgivenotforget, thank you for the welcome. What a lovely post. I read all your responses since I first posted and I really thought it was interesting how so many commented on how much my wh is trying. That is not what i focus on. And yet maybe I should be. And then the post about how life goes on and we must find the joy where it is despite the pain. I do have joy. Wh and I just had an inpromptu kung fu fight (he is a black belt-I am less than a white belt accordig to him! Never studied it) and we were just a laughing away and play fighting each other. That is joy. Having someone to do that with. There is so much pain. So many years worth of pain that it is hard to swallow. But I am really, really going to take time in these next few days to try and see the joy. For myself and for my kids.

I think the lace where I get stuck is I feel like he doesn;t deserve that joy right now. He deserves to be punished and yet if I want my marriage back on line then that can't happen. I get punished two fold. I think I'm a bit bitter.

[This message edited by So Lost at 2:10 PM, December 22nd (Saturday)]


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, December 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF - thank you for your lovely post. One of the blessings for me that has come b/c of this LTA is meeting the members of our tribe. What is that line from the Christmas movie? Well, to paraphrase, the richest man is rich b/c of the amount of friends he has, not the $$ in his bank account.

So Lost -- of course you don't think your H deserves joy. I can completely understand that. Gently, I suggest that you focus only on you. Heal yourself and let go of him. When I began to let go of the need to see my H suffer and focus only on myself, I found some peace.

Don't get me wrong. I am very bitter about lots. I get very angry at what his LTA has caused. I am very very sad -- to my core.

Focus on your insides. Comfort yourself as you would a little child. Be gentle and kind. This LTA is hugely traumatic and should not, imo, be dealt with lightly. Treat yourself dealing with it as you would treat yourself if you were dealing with a major catastrophic illness.

Hope that makes sense. Many hugs to you. I'll be on and off if you need some support.

[This message edited by soverysad at 3:12 PM, December 22nd (Saturday)]



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((((svs)))))))))))))

Girl...you are a saint. I don't know how you do it. You deserve so much peace and happiness. I hope you get it soon.

(((((((((((((((fnf))))))))))))))))))

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and wishing you strength and peace. May you make new memories that erase the old.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
IMstrong
♀ Member
Member # 10637
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF, what a lovely post, and something a lot of us probably need to focus on right now.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.


Me BS
He FWS
LTA
DDay 2/20/2006
Reconciled

Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2006
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC, you were in my thoughts.Am glad the checkup went well. The pap will come out clear!

((((svs))))
Please take some time out for yourself.You sound like you are burning the candle out on both ends. I hope you and the kids enjoy your time together,that you get some time for yourself, and that when H joins you all on Xmas day, that you will all find some peace and happiness as a family.

Congratulations on 26 years Wimsey! I know what you mean about not counting it as 31. Thats how I feel about the 11 years of my M...and we have been married for 12!!!

FSA! Why the heck didnt you lean on us when you were down?? You know you dont have to be the funny sassy one here all the time. We love you in any form you are in, ok? Please let us be there for you..like you are for us!

And all the best with the house.I hope it comes through.

Hi Solost. You are so fresh from your dday, my dear. You have a right to feel bitter. You have the right to feel any darn thing you want. I remember my early days as being so confused and bewildered.
For now all you have to do, is get through the holidays whilst keeping your sanity. I look forward to getting to know you.

Fnf, thinking of you today.
Cant believe we will get to meet IRL soon!!Yay!!

Ok me now.
Deep breath:
Guys, they called me back for a second interview next week. I think they are tossed between me and somebody else. I dont want to get excited and get my hopes up but....
Thank you all for your good wishes.


Although I dont celebrate Christmas, I wish you all peace, happiness and health for the holidays.

ETA:Btw, my friend made contact. She is on holiday overseas.She is ok.Whew!

Solost, you said you think you might have been pg? I dont know if its happened with the other ladies, but my period, which has been v regular since forever, went haywire after dday. I think the stress etc affects that too.

And good luck with the housecleanup Run! Get everybody involved, whilst you hide with a cuppa and a mag in your room.

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 1:40 PM, December 23rd (Sunday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

svs--hugs to you. I understand completely, as you know--all the years ahead which will be disrupted in some sense, sometimes more and sometimes less,because of the OC. Don't know the answer to your question about finding peace--except that it will be in small increments, and I know for me, I have to let go of some of the bitterness and learn to trust more--a constant struggle for me to do both of those things.

But I find if I can, even just a baby step little bit, it does make life better for both of us--and I see that. Doesn't stop me from feeling the resentment rise up again whenever there's a call or something, but for me, that's the tiniest bit of light at the end of my tunnel.

Solost, I wonder if your H isn't being punished inside by the realization of the devastation he has caused? I know my H is, though that doesn't make it any better most of the time, I am able to let go of that particular resentment--that he isn't being punished enough--and anyway, I have plenty of other resentments to keep me going!

Happy holidays to all--


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Holidays to All

We are expecting house guests for the next 10 days....so I'm doing the "hamster in the wheel" routine right now to get house and self ready.

I have posted a few times in general and JFO lately....just needed to relate outside of our little world here. But the reality is, the LTA does isolate a person to need to relate to those that really do understand the dynamics of this kind of betrayal.

So much of what is written in the other forums applies to the initial stages, but the long-term effects of the LTA just don't seem to get covered or addressed, except here. Including the chronic awareness that in the LTA, the OP is very much a part of why and how it continued for so long.
Our WS certainly carry the load of their own actions...but to do what they did, for so long..there was a willing (and fully knowing) accomplice.
Many of us are trying to R...and are into it...but it is anything but predictable or smooth.

Plus, we all totally understand how many members here cannot and will not R. And that's okay too...because we all understand and can still support and champion each other, no matter which path anyone is walking.

For those in torment.....my hope is that you can make the holidays about your children, small or grown....or your grandchilden....or those in your life who need love and who give you love.

Sincere wishes for a better, more peaceful New Year for us all...in whatever form that will be.

I am so grateful for you all.

Love and Blessings.
numb and scared

[This message edited by numb and scared at 12:14 PM, December 24th (Monday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



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