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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought of another one

The skanks on the bus say sit right here
Sit right here
Sit right here
The skanks on the bus say sit right here
'Cause you're one of us

sorry just had an after thought.

25 hate to hear you having such a hard time. It takes a special woman to deal with OC situations. My prayers are with you and SVS.

BT. Good luck tomorrow and again. Knock em dead.

Hurtshirley, 16 weeks. I used to count the months by the 22nd of each month. I never ever even notice the 22nd any more. So rest assured that day will come for you too.

Hopefully I'll get some more time on SI tomorrow. I've had some new lyrics for "On Top of Old Smokey" going through my head this evening.

(((((LTA Tribe)))))

Until next time
FSA
Finally Some Amusement


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI Ladies:
Buckets of white light to all of you

HbutHappy: I am with Run. No contact. That was a promise from D-day forward. Cell phone records/passwords, e-mail passwords. I can check when I want to. Any contact from the skankyho had to be reported or it was OVER. One phone call from the skittish skank on d-day. Lasted 30 seconds and reconfirmed that there was not any form of a relationship. The relationship was not physical the last couple of years, but I would not tolerate any contact, even emotional although she begged me for it over the phone. "Can't we all be friends?" Oh, um, yeah, well let me think about that offer

FSA: I loved your song! Thank you!

BT: Good luck tomorrow. You will knock them dead!!

Whimsey: ((hugs)). I was thinking, could you have someone accompany your H on these visits? Not you, but someone along the lines of a court appointed guardian? I mean they are used all the time in divorce, mediation, custody disputes. I think this is a little much for you to play this role. Perhaps if you had a neutral party accompany your H and be there to smooth over arrangments, maybe it would be better??


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the family is asleep and I'm still up so I thought I'd do this before I forget all of it.

This is dedicated to all the snaggletoothed ow of the world.

On top of ole snaggletooth
She's nothin but a hole
I hurt my poor wife
For nothing but a whore

She bj'ed me in the woods
I kept her hidden there
That poor dumb ass bitch
Always came back for more

She was missing some teeth
She had a saggy ass too
She was a butt ugly bitch
What oh what did I do

She was a vile human being
And I ran her ass down
She'll never be back
I don't want her around

Now I love my wife dearly
She's my meaning for life
And I know if I ever mess up again
She will mow my ass down

Wishing you all a good night as I exit, bowing as I go.
No, no encores for me tonight.

Remember that shoe I mentioned earlier today. I think it must really fit!!!!


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zanny, the idea of getting a neutral person was something we had thought of earlier in the game, when she was refusing to have me see the child at all--but now that I can participate in the visits and get to know the kid, it's not something we've pursued. And now that she's in Europe, it boggles the mind on how to do it anyway! Different language, courts there give all the power to the mother, visits only sporadically--I don't think it would work.

There are no good solutions in this mess--but we'll see if this way does me in the next trip I guess, and if it does, I will be done. I hate thinking this way--H has really done so much and so have I--seems a waste to give up just yet. Now that we're home, it looks much better--our day to day life at home isn't bad, even good sometimes :)--but my despairing feelings were real during the trip and meltdowns and all--we'll see.

Amazing how our situations are all so different, yet we can all get support from the tribe--glad we're here for that reason at least!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW still gets between us though--she wants private time with H to discuss their kid, and who knows what else--I think she wants to maintain an emotional R with H, something to make her feel her child is part of a family of those three--and I don't think that's feasible for our M.

So we had our own confrontations about that--she doesn't want me present during their discussions about the child,

Then she had her own meltdown,reversed what she said, didn't want to see my face, asked him if he could wait to call me to come after their discussion, he said no, and it disintegrated from there.

Seriously??? Private time? You must be out of your mind, OW! She has got a lot of fricking nerve, 25. I can maybe (and only maybe) understand if she only wanted your H to participate in the conversations about the child, but to not even allow you to be present? Um...yeah, bite me.

What kind of people even have nerve to ask this???

<<<shaking head>>>

I will never cease to be amazed.

Unbelievable.

I hope your H lets that woman know consistently that you and he are partners. You come as a team. What concerns him concerns you.

Wishing you much strength.

((((((((((((25))))))))))))))


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((25)))
I am with robt on this.No private time AT ALL. They are not a family of 3, and never will be. OC is part of YOUR family, the way I see it. I know that is hard for you to deal with, but I would much prefer that to H being part of another family.

Hnh, after dday, H spoke to OW2 for a week.She was furious that he had told me and thus ruined everything.The night before he returned home to beg for anoher chance, they said their goodbyes, and that was it.He did admit that he missed her for while after that.I let it go as long as NC was established.As for OW1,their relationship had already informally ended by the time I had found out.

FSA,
Toblerone is one of my fav chocs.As are Lindt!The UK chocs are yuck to be honest.So I much prefer the swiss or even our South African ones.If we ever meet up, I will bring you a huge bar.

****
Now everyone together:

GO BT! GO BT! GOT BT!!!!

All the best dear Lady.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best of luck to you BT.

I hope it goes just like you want it to.

And I just know that they are going to be awed by you. They'll wonder how they ever made it without you.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just have a sec. I'll be back later. But wanted to say - Knock 'em dead BT! Show 'em what you've got. We've all seen it and it's AWESOME!!! So don't hold back.
GO BT GO BT GO BT GO BT!!!!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Briefly checking in because my IC has given me a homework assignment... stay off SI for one week.

I think the other one did that too and I lied my ass off to her and said I had, when I hadn't. I already keep this underground from my H -- erase computer history, deny, etc. So I'll end up lying to this woman too because I can't imagine a week without being here.

I HAVE to find out how BT's interview went. See, the IC didn't even give me a chance to go into that stuff... just that I'm wallowing in infidelity day in and day out that I'm not giving myself a chance to get away from it, ever.

I think I stopped for a while over the holidays last year and I'll have tougher time once I quit working next Friday any way.

So I'm going to stop as of tomorrow. I anyone sees me here, yell at me!

I hope you all stay well and strong and know that I will miss you.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to pop my head up and say good luck BT, I'm sure you'll be wonderful. The outfit sounds perfect!

(((((BT))))))


Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also to say hugs to you 25, I really don't know how you cope with oc. You've been so strong. and I agree - NO private conversations, not until you feel comfortable enough anyway. This is on YOUR terms and no-one elses. Honestly, they don't know when to let go.


Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH Ė Wanted to chime in re your question about the fog. Iím with Run and Zanny. My H quickly threw the SOW under the wheels of the bus and has been completely transparent with his time, etc. ever since. If you feel he still has only one foot in your M and that there is still contact that would be a deal breaker for me. He made a commitment to your M and thatís that. Period. End of conversation. It's got to be really hard for you to still be wondering and keeping your eyes and ears peeled. It's exhausting enough to just get through the devastation of all this let alone worry he's still in it.

(((((25)))) My heart goes out to you. I donít know how you find the strength for this. Iím with Run on this one. The bitch has no right to be demanding anything. The efforts are for the OC and him only! She has no rights here. She chose to get involved with a MM and this is the consequence. Iím wondering if your MC can help your H with better boundary setting with her. It sounds like some good, old fashion boundary setting instruction would be helpful. I.e. how to find the right language and timing to set strong and firm boundaries and then how to hold those boundaries in place as she tests them. Sounds to me like he may be weak in this area and is conflict avoidant (what a surprise that would be! Ha! I think it could just be epidemic in our Hís here at LTA corner!) and heís doing whatever he can to avoid conflict on either side. But what heís not doing is setting boundaries. He may envision boundary setting as instigating a war with her and a good therapist can help him strategize through that. But bottom line IMO, that bitch has no rights! She has no ground to stand on to demand anything at all! She should feel lucky that your H is even involved and taking responsibility! And that youíre supporting him in doing that! She should be throwing rose pedals at your feet!!! My heart goes out to you 25!! I would be absolutely homicidal!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy,
just a thought about lying to your therapist or anyone else for that matter, the stance came out of the mouth of my son who said something to the effect of "i don't have to lie because I'M ok with what I do".

Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She should be throwing rose pedals at your feet!!!

Was that a deliberate mistype OTC??

I had my IC session today, and I thought I would share her take on me...maybe it might help someone here.

She said that I learned very very early on that if I wanted something, it would come at a great price (either verbal/physical/emotional pain). My FOO issues and M reinforced that belief.
I find it difficult to accept that I could achieve something or receive something without some uncomfortable consequence to me.

Something she said that rung a bell.She said that I dont like myself (duh!), which is why I dont treat myself nicely.So how then would I expect anyone to treat me nicely?

Re last weeks fight with H - she said that it was a shame that he did what he did, but I really shouldnt expect him to behave any better.He is not capable now of giving me the kind of emotional support and empathy that I need.Making myself vulnerable to someone who just the previous week was able to walk out on us, was really not a wise move. However I should not be too hard on myself because anyone would expect their H to b there for them.However our M is not a stage where I can realistically expect this.

So instead of turning to H, I should turn to myself esp since I dont have anyone else IRL. She is very supportive of SI but feels that relying solely on the cyberworld would obviously have limitations.

She wants me to treat my self like how a nurturing and loving mother would.I should do things for myself that make me feel cherished and loved and safe, even if its taking a hot soak, dressing in warm comfy clothes, making myself a nice hot dinner and eating it comfortably.She wants me to treat my heart and soul like a body part thats been badly damaged.It needs rest, tender care, dressing the wound everyday, good food, etc.

I'll be honest..I put up a good fight. This sounds stupid but I am not comfortable with treating myself like this. It sounds excessive.Too OTT.Not me at all. Her retort to that was "Has being 'you' worked out well for you so far?"
Right. A snarky IC.I like her.

So my IC homework is to practice my tapping (EFT) esp when things feel overwhelming, and do something good for myself everyday.And no, eating Lindt doesnt count.Because I just end up feeling anxious about getting fat.

Hope that helps someone.

Anyway, my issue to the Tribe is this:
What do/did you do when your H was not capable of being there for you? How did that affect the dynamics of your R?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Ė it sounds as if you have yourself a really good IC. Sheís given you some great insights to work with and from the sound of it youíre only able to let some of it in right now. Just keep thinking all this through and keep your eyes and ears open day by day in different situations to let whatever truth is in her insights sink in. I couldnít agree with her more. To cherish and nurture yourself as a mother would - brilliant! When you put yourself first and care for and treat yourself well then you teach others to do the same. My H is there for me but it doesnít stop me from doing it. This isnít about if he cares for me properly or not. This is what you hear so many of us saying over and over again here. You have to care for you and believe in you so that no matter what he does or doesn't do you will still be cared for an looked after. Hereís the laundry list of how I care for myself. I hope this will help you see that itís OK to do so.
- Full body massage once a week
- Acupuncture once a week
- Wake up naturally every morning Ė no alarm clocks!
- Long walks through the woods every day with puppy
- Naps
- Curl up on the sofa with a warm blanket and read
- Hot soaks in the tub at least three times a week
- Great meals I make myself with lots of care and attention
- Eat almost all organic Ė meats, vedgies, fruits, etc.
- Out to dinner once a week to a fabulous restaurant
- Soy chai latteís once or twice a week
- Lots of purified water, no soft drinks except at special times, no coffee Ė just exotic teas
- Lots of quiet time Ė no loud noises Ė soothing music when I feel like it
- I find something to make me laugh a hardy laugh once a day
- Most importantly Ė I connect with nature every day. Watch the birds in the feeder, watch for forest pals on my walks, take in a sun set or sun rise, smell the air, walk in the rain, etc.
Some might say this is excessive. But to me itís not. Itís how I care for myself and I am very blessed that I have the means to do all this. If I didnít there would be a few things on that list that would become non-negotiable like connecting with nature, long walks and hot soaks. There are other things Iím just opening myself to again like connecting with friends, having great people over for dinner and entertaining, talking on the phone to people I love and care for, going to fine art shows, museums and other events and exhibits. There is also a lot Iíve eliminated that falls into honoring and caring for myself. Those are:
- I no longer do ANYTHING out of obligation. Only what moves me and feels right.
- I no longer try to keep any illusion of connection with people I donít connect with.
- I donít make or get engaged in small talk
- I no longer let others cross my boundaries
- I no longer put up with much at all
- I no longer work with clients who cause me grief or aggravation. Money isnít worth it!
- I no longer worry about things I canít control.
- I no longer let things go unresolved
- I no longer travel for business except once or twice a year
- I no longer allow myself negative internal dialog about myself
- I no longer feel guilty or apologetic about putting myself first

Now, I do have to say Iíve been working on all this for many years. Well before Dday, but they were always an effort to maintain and Iíd allow things to get in the way, etc. Not any longer. In all the IC and MC Iíve had itís helped me work through all the things that kept me from truly putting myself first. From really caring for and nurturing myself. Now itís effortless and itís really become quite difficult, well impossible, to NOT be this way!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC, just caught your list of taking care of yourself.

Let me warn you. You had better sleep with one eye open, 'cause I might sneak in at night and just do away with you and become OTC myself. I wish I had the time for FSA. She's always on the back burner. I've raised kids so long that I don't remember how to pamper me. Guess I need to work on that so that I don't have to steal your life away. But I am happy for you that you are able to do this for yourself.

Think the boss just left for the rest of the day. Maybe I can come up with a new song. I need something to do. If I work too much he might expect it everyday.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Guys,

Thank you for all the good wishes. I was amazingly calm, not nervous at all, which I attribute to all your sent strength. I had done lots of research and preparation as per OTC's suggestions, and I felt very assured going in.

I didn't get to do all my interviews because the top manager and the chairman were both out sick today (actually the entire place was sick, I'm sure I'll be hacking and puking by the weekend).

I'm not sure if this is the right job for me, mainly because the guy I would be working with most closely is one of those super nervous type folks who raises your blood pressure just being around him. Honestly, he seems like a great guy whom I'd love to have for a friend, but I am fairly sure I'd want to strangle him after about half a day of working next to him. It was like being around my son in one of his really manic moods.

But, it was a good experience overall, a definite ice-breaker for me. Thanks again for all your good thoughts and prayers. I'll let you know what develops, if anything.

I have a final exam in three hours, so I'm off to study.

BT

Weepy,

I took a six month vacation from SI, and it helped. Hope it does for you, too. See you in a week.



D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Decided to try and come up with my own list of what I do for FSA.

I don't hide any emotions
I don't do things that I don't want to do
Spend money on myself when I am able to
I made a way for IC
Soak in the tub to releave stressful moments
Let H take on some responsibilites with the kids
And the only other thing I can think of is. Venting my anger toward snaggletooth with song and an occassional ow rant.


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A Christmas tribute to snaggletooth

Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Snaggletooth's out the door
Oh what fun it is to think of her with tire tracks

Ho Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Snaggletooth's out of the way
Now the time has come for me and H now to play HO

Dashing she was not
She'd take on a horse anyday
Ho what fun it is to think of her in that fine way

HO Jingle bells
Jingle bells
She's got one saggy ass
She could never take my place
Not even on her best day

HO Jingle bells
Jingle bells
I love to hate that bitch
I hope that one day she will know
How it feels to live like this

HO Jingle bells
Jingle bells
I think I'll end this now
If I could just get one Christmas wish
It would be for the tooth fairy to have to visit her again.


FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC...I bow down.
Wow.Thank you for taking the time to do that list.I can see I do have my work cut out for me.I think my problem before is that I feel so guilty about doing things for myself..even when its necessary.I want someone else to do it, or push me to do it, so then I feel like I am not being greedy or self indulgent.

Reminds me of when I was pg with DS.My clothes stopped fitting and I kept dropping hints to H that I needed pg clothes.Even though I was earning, I still felt bad to just spend the money.And he didnt pick up on the hints. When I went to my mums, she was so appalled at what I was wearing, that she went straight out and bought me 2 maternity dresses. Why the heck didnt I just go and buy them myself?? My stupidity...

Anyway, I am going to work hard on this.FSA, you are with me right? Anyone else wants to join the "Be nice to myself everyday!" brigade?? We have done this before,havent we?Come on!

BT, I am so glad the interview went well.Maybe you can switch that guy to decaf?
Good luck with the exam.

Mum, nice to see you here again. Whats been happening with you.We are ALL here for you, ok?

FSA, you rock dude!
HAve you always been the fun of the party? I envy people like you.I will be the one quietly refilling everyone's plate, and making sure we dont run out of ice.

Goodnight everyone.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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