I can also see how having her there everyday can be a reminder. My wife never left, but I still have reminders of what she did. I think what's most important is how she reacts to your pain.
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
Instead, it's really about how much I'm willing to put up with the reminders.
Are you willing? I am not, I have been S for 21 months and would never even consider the idea of getting back togehter with STBX.
Love dies rapidly when stomped and not nourished.
Do you love her 51? If not, I suggest you end the R right now.
Even being in R, I've become convinced that the men who survive infidelity the best and with the least long-term repercussions as those who split up quickly and proceeded to divorce.
I think about guys like t2g, SerJR, Bigger and Defiance who to this day managed to retain their optimism about love and marriage despite infidelity. To a large extent, those of us who went down the R path have lost the innocence of those concepts. When we talk about "love and marriage", we sound like Al Bundy.
I do love her, but it's different from the way I used to feel. Rather than "do you love her", I think the nitty-gritty question is "can you trust her?"
Isn't that what we've all had to struggle with?
The question I ask myself is "Can I live with the fact that she can't be trusted?"
Most people don't change. Not really. They can play the "good person/faithful spouse" game right up to the point where life becomes overwhelming again, then it's back to old habits and coping mechanisms.
There are certainly exceptions. WH5's wife is one of those, I think. You just have to decide how willing you are to play the odds.
It sounds like I'm torturing myself here, that I want to hang onto this relationship for some reason, when what I should have done was cut my losses and move on.
Wish I felt m,ore optimistic, but I didn't ask for things to turn out this way.
I feared exactly what you are experiencing... Regret... I found a perfect place for myself and I wasn't going to be coerced into moving back and losing my space.. I lost my life back when I moved out... She went on her merry way with the OM and I was left on my own to land on my feet...
I landed on my feet and moved on only to have her come back after the OM threw her under the bus...
Reading what you've written has reinforced the decision I've made to keep my place...
I do know that if I had moved back and I wasn't happy with the arrangement I would have left again. I will no longer "settle" again in my life...
Maybe more time, maybe if she gets her stuff put away, maybe, maybe, maybe.... Only you can decide if its better with her there or better with her gone...
My only advice is.... Don't settle for less than YOUR happiness..
I told her that if she wanted to live with me again, she'd have to come to me, that I wasn't going to give up my apartment.
If things don't work out, she'll be the one moving out, not me.
Despite all that, I can't help but ask myself the old question, "if she cheated before, what's to say she won't do so again in the future?"
Ask yourself what your really ready to live with.
Personally I chose not to live with someone that cheated on anyone ever.
I can see how wincing got to his point and it is what I struggle with.
I am practical and real and now personally at some levels I would be better alone completely no relationship at all.
The kids keeps me in it and filled with guilt of ending it.
I often think we are married to damage good and all you can do is get yourself better and lead they can follow or lay by the wayside.
I am sorry to say for most of us real remorse, our WW really looking at their core issues, and us getting more out of the M is sadly just a dream.
The trust thing is always lurking right below the surface.
What pisses me off is that before the affair, the question of whether or not I could trust her never entered my mind. Since the affair, it's like the question "can I trust her" has become constant background music.
I hate the fact that as a result of her actions, I've become a less trusting person. On top of that, when the question pops back into my mind, I feel a little bit guilty, because there's nothing she's done (recently) to trigger the question.
How f'd up is that?
Do any of you guys feel ashamed when looking back at D-DAY? On my D-DAY I freakin' cried. I went to my moms house (I was living there at the time) and she had called my dad so he was there. I never had any kind of emotional relationship with my dad. We don't even say I love you to eachother. When I was a kid he came up with a secret code we could use to make it easier. "how 'bout them bears". Anyways. I flat out bawled as my dad held me. (I feel all dumb just typing it!) Every time I look back on that I want to crawl inside myself and hide. There was another time, I was on the phone with my mom. I had to leave work because everything was so overwhelming. (this was pre D-DAY when W was wanting out of M and I was suspecting A) I could barely speak clearly I was such a mess. I was telling her I didn't know how to deal with this. I was so freakin' helpless. I am kinda haunted by these thoughts. I think its shame....
Any of you guys have any thoughts on this? Or similar experiences?
[This message edited by jasonguitarboy at 12:52 PM, April 6th (Monday)]
I cried a bit, but got a handle on it pretty quickly. In fact, the stupidest thing thing I remember doing was the night of D-day, after my kids had gone to bed, holding my wife on the couch and reciting my marriage vows as a way of demonstrating to my wife that it would be okay and we'd get through it.
Man, she threw that in my face at least a dozen times after that when the roller coaster really kicked in. I remember her saying to me, "God will hold you to those renewed vows. You can't walk away now or you're making your promise to God a lie."
I've got to tell you: the best thing that ever happened to us was D-day #2 -- 18 months after the original when I caught her e-mailing xOM. The first D-day, I was blindsided and just trying to hold my shit together.
The second one, I had 18 months of pent up anger and resentment to unleash and no emotional ambivalence to short circuit it. When I caught her in the D-day #2 lie, my outburst started with "stupid fucking c***" and didn't stop until she was literally curled up in a the fetal position on the floor begging me not to leave her.
Looking back at it this counsler was such a clown. PEOPLE that cheat do so on their own, had nothing to do with the relationship they have with someone else. My XWW was only trying to find someone to justify herself an get outta any responsiblity. World class actor she is.
The second time around she was cold busted, in front of a mutual friend that had been shown the evidance before hand.