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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After 16 months apart, I can see how moving back in together would be a shock. We get used to being alone I think.

I can also see how having her there everyday can be a reminder. My wife never left, but I still have reminders of what she did. I think what's most important is how she reacts to your pain.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
LeftHanging51
♂ Member
Member # 13826
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if it's about how she reacts to my pain. Instead, it's really about how much I'm willing to put up with the reminders.


D-Day #1: 2/07
D-Day #2, #3, #4,....too many to count
Me (BS): 54
WW: 57
Married 8/05 (2d marriage for both)
Divorced Feb. 2011

Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2007
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Instead, it's really about how much I'm willing to put up with the reminders.

Are you willing? I am not, I have been S for 21 months and would never even consider the idea of getting back togehter with STBX.

Love dies rapidly when stomped and not nourished.

Do you love her 51? If not, I suggest you end the R right now.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

100% agree with t2g.

Even being in R, I've become convinced that the men who survive infidelity the best and with the least long-term repercussions as those who split up quickly and proceeded to divorce.

I think about guys like t2g, SerJR, Bigger and Defiance who to this day managed to retain their optimism about love and marriage despite infidelity. To a large extent, those of us who went down the R path have lost the innocence of those concepts. When we talk about "love and marriage", we sound like Al Bundy.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
LeftHanging51
♂ Member
Member # 13826
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it were as simple as answering "yes, I love her", this would be a piece of cake.

I do love her, but it's different from the way I used to feel. Rather than "do you love her", I think the nitty-gritty question is "can you trust her?"

Isn't that what we've all had to struggle with?


D-Day #1: 2/07
D-Day #2, #3, #4,....too many to count
Me (BS): 54
WW: 57
Married 8/05 (2d marriage for both)
Divorced Feb. 2011

Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2007
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't struggle with it. My wife has already proven she can't be trusted.

The question I ask myself is "Can I live with the fact that she can't be trusted?"

Most people don't change. Not really. They can play the "good person/faithful spouse" game right up to the point where life becomes overwhelming again, then it's back to old habits and coping mechanisms.

There are certainly exceptions. WH5's wife is one of those, I think. You just have to decide how willing you are to play the odds.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
LeftHanging51
♂ Member
Member # 13826
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh....

It sounds like I'm torturing myself here, that I want to hang onto this relationship for some reason, when what I should have done was cut my losses and move on.

Wish I felt m,ore optimistic, but I didn't ask for things to turn out this way.


D-Day #1: 2/07
D-Day #2, #3, #4,....too many to count
Me (BS): 54
WW: 57
Married 8/05 (2d marriage for both)
Divorced Feb. 2011

Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2007
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I moved out two years ago today and when the ex and I were attempting what might be considered R she kept wanting me to move back in... She kept trying to give me keys and the garage door opener but I never took them...

I feared exactly what you are experiencing... Regret... I found a perfect place for myself and I wasn't going to be coerced into moving back and losing my space.. I lost my life back when I moved out... She went on her merry way with the OM and I was left on my own to land on my feet...

I landed on my feet and moved on only to have her come back after the OM threw her under the bus...

Reading what you've written has reinforced the decision I've made to keep my place...

I do know that if I had moved back and I wasn't happy with the arrangement I would have left again. I will no longer "settle" again in my life...

Maybe more time, maybe if she gets her stuff put away, maybe, maybe, maybe.... Only you can decide if its better with her there or better with her gone...

My only advice is.... Don't settle for less than YOUR happiness..

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
LeftHanging51
♂ Member
Member # 13826
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks bull. For what it's worth, she moved into my place.

I told her that if she wanted to live with me again, she'd have to come to me, that I wasn't going to give up my apartment.

If things don't work out, she'll be the one moving out, not me.


D-Day #1: 2/07
D-Day #2, #3, #4,....too many to count
Me (BS): 54
WW: 57
Married 8/05 (2d marriage for both)
Divorced Feb. 2011

Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2007
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The big question in regards to her is, what has she done in the past 16 months? Is she still the same broken person who cheated, or has she done something about it?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
LeftHanging51
♂ Member
Member # 13826
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the past 16 months she's done IC and learned to understand the pain and devestation she caused by her own selfishness. Also, she's been more willing to listen to me when I tell her how I'm feeling. Several months ago she asked 'what else am I supposed to do'? She's been apologetic and remorseful, and had shown tangible effort in trying to repair the damage.

Despite all that, I can't help but ask myself the old question, "if she cheated before, what's to say she won't do so again in the future?"


D-Day #1: 2/07
D-Day #2, #3, #4,....too many to count
Me (BS): 54
WW: 57
Married 8/05 (2d marriage for both)
Divorced Feb. 2011

Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2007
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does she have an answer to that?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without her TOTALLY owning her shit, well you can never get past this. Just because a person has done IC, doesn't mean they have really explored themselves to understand the reason they cheated in the first place. I have been seperated for 2 years now (course now D for 1.3 years.) I to forgave too early without knowing what I do now. 3 years into my M I found my XWW was having A's. I forgave her, went to MC the whole nine yards. Eventually the A's went into the backburner, but were still very much on the back of mind. My XWW did only enough to convince me of the work done, never actually doing the work on herself.

Ask yourself what your really ready to live with.

Personally I chose not to live with someone that cheated on anyone ever.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will sya the true "owning shit" WW are a very rare bread.

I can see how wincing got to his point and it is what I struggle with.

I am practical and real and now personally at some levels I would be better alone completely no relationship at all.

The kids keeps me in it and filled with guilt of ending it.

I often think we are married to damage good and all you can do is get yourself better and lead they can follow or lay by the wayside.

I am sorry to say for most of us real remorse, our WW really looking at their core issues, and us getting more out of the M is sadly just a dream.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your right most ww won't own up to their deeds. Mine filed for D shortly after I told OMs wife. I got my hopes up after reading all the wws efforts here on SI. I thought she would be like the FWW here and own her shit. It is very rare for a cheater to face up to the facts.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were S for 18 months. She was with OM for most of that time. I would say that the road to R isn't that rough, it's a fucking nightmare from off road hell!!! Trust, respect, and love. This is my personal holy trinity, with out them, she's just a fuck. So, love; that was never a factor, even when I hated her the most, I still loved her more then life itself. Respect; well that took a shit kicking, but she has managed to work her way back up the scale. She owns what she did, she tries like hell to make amends, which isn't easy with a grudge holder like me. Trust; the big one!! I'd love to say it came back easily, but dude, it's still a long way out. I won't ever trust her the way I once did, but, I won't trust anyone else the way I once trusted her. So, it does all come down to, how much do you need to make this work? For me, I can live with the two, and working on three, but thats me.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
LeftHanging51
♂ Member
Member # 13826
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jimi:

The trust thing is always lurking right below the surface.

What pisses me off is that before the affair, the question of whether or not I could trust her never entered my mind. Since the affair, it's like the question "can I trust her" has become constant background music.

I hate the fact that as a result of her actions, I've become a less trusting person. On top of that, when the question pops back into my mind, I feel a little bit guilty, because there's nothing she's done (recently) to trigger the question.

How f'd up is that?


D-Day #1: 2/07
D-Day #2, #3, #4,....too many to count
Me (BS): 54
WW: 57
Married 8/05 (2d marriage for both)
Divorced Feb. 2011

Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2007
jasonguitarboy
♂ Member
Member # 22939
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys. Saw the thread and thought I would join in.

Do any of you guys feel ashamed when looking back at D-DAY? On my D-DAY I freakin' cried. I went to my moms house (I was living there at the time) and she had called my dad so he was there. I never had any kind of emotional relationship with my dad. We don't even say I love you to eachother. When I was a kid he came up with a secret code we could use to make it easier. "how 'bout them bears". Anyways. I flat out bawled as my dad held me. (I feel all dumb just typing it!) Every time I look back on that I want to crawl inside myself and hide. There was another time, I was on the phone with my mom. I had to leave work because everything was so overwhelming. (this was pre D-DAY when W was wanting out of M and I was suspecting A) I could barely speak clearly I was such a mess. I was telling her I didn't know how to deal with this. I was so freakin' helpless. I am kinda haunted by these thoughts. I think its shame....


Any of you guys have any thoughts on this? Or similar experiences?

[This message edited by jasonguitarboy at 12:52 PM, April 6th (Monday)]


What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.....right?
"And there's a change, that even with regret, cannot be undone."
"No one plans to take the path that leads us lower..."
Me-BS 35
Her-WS 32 (surviving1979)

Posts: 185 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: nowhere
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any shame for how I reacted on D-day. The only thing I come close to feeling bad about was the extra ten seconds I laid in bed when I knew my wife was in the process of searching for a razor blade to slit her wrists (and even that's a toss up).

I cried a bit, but got a handle on it pretty quickly. In fact, the stupidest thing thing I remember doing was the night of D-day, after my kids had gone to bed, holding my wife on the couch and reciting my marriage vows as a way of demonstrating to my wife that it would be okay and we'd get through it.

Man, she threw that in my face at least a dozen times after that when the roller coaster really kicked in. I remember her saying to me, "God will hold you to those renewed vows. You can't walk away now or you're making your promise to God a lie."

I've got to tell you: the best thing that ever happened to us was D-day #2 -- 18 months after the original when I caught her e-mailing xOM. The first D-day, I was blindsided and just trying to hold my shit together.

The second one, I had 18 months of pent up anger and resentment to unleash and no emotional ambivalence to short circuit it. When I caught her in the D-day #2 lie, my outburst started with "stupid fucking c***" and didn't stop until she was literally curled up in a the fetal position on the floor begging me not to leave her.

Good times.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, April 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my first DDay I was a destroyed husband. It cost me my job at the time a 3 month funk of not being able to even get outta the house depression. At the time we went to a MC that was my XWW choice. Where I was told the reason women cheat is because of the relationship. I was told I needed to step it up in the relationship.

Looking back at it this counsler was such a clown. PEOPLE that cheat do so on their own, had nothing to do with the relationship they have with someone else. My XWW was only trying to find someone to justify herself an get outta any responsiblity. World class actor she is.

The second time around she was cold busted, in front of a mutual friend that had been shown the evidance before hand.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
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