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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will remain civil with her for my son's sake, but I doubt I will ever be her friend as she has asked. She has said she will tell me the truth (i.e. who she cheated with, when it started, etc.) when she is ready, but it isn't now. I don't expect her to do that anytime soon.

kmx - Ditto!! Only mine says she will never tell me. I hear the rumors but she refuses.

I guess I'm supposed to see what I will be missing.

No... you can't see her mind and soul. A body is nothing without those items.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
kxm00
♂ Member
Member # 14075
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear the rumors but she refuses.

That is the part that really sucks. At one point, I had someone tell me it was one of my friends. I'm sure it wasn't, but there were a few days, where that thought sat in the back of my mind.

She tells me that she has moved on and it shouldn't matter any more. It is now her life. What she forgets to remember is that at the time it started, it was OUR life.

I deserve to have the information, but selfishness is ugly.


D-day: 6/25/06
D-day #2: 8/16/07 Found out for sure she was seeing another OM while we were deciding to divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

Divorced 3/5/08.


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: PA
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man I know how much all of it sucks (been there twice before). But it is new world. Just as soon as the weather warms a touch, go take a ride and let the hair flop in the wind.

Take your son on a special outing.

After my last D, I had such a great time with my boys. I never missed a visitation and we fished, camped, boated and climbed our hearts out. It was so much fun, they still comment on it sometimes. And i wasn't held back by the ball and chain.

You know you will never get the answers, it sucks, but it is.

Thinkin about you guys.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look at my sig. I got ruined and am trying to R. It was BF (not really somebody I would not piss on now and must avoid because I am afraid what I would do). You guys give me hope in that many have separated and have good lives. I really do not know what I will do. Kinda up to WS is she steps up. I just do not want my daughter having a step dad. Selfish yes. I hope it does work but man mind movies SUCK.
Good luck to all you suffering this crap!


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
chriscross
♂ Member
Member # 17166
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She tells me that she has moved on and it shouldn't matter any more. It is now her life. What she forgets to remember is that at the time it started, it was OUR life.

I deserve to have the information, but selfishness is ugly.

i agree to that. XWW doesnt say nor admit a thing about the affair even if i have a tons of evidences. she said its HER life. WTF? yeah we all deserve to know the truth.

heftysmurf: just hang in there. there is HOPE. all you have to is stay focus to your goal, and that is to find your own happiness and be a good example to your daughter. be a better person. and whatever our xWW are doing, lets try not to be affected at all.

me, when im alone and missing my xWW, i keep on thinking all the lies and the stupid things that she's done to me and to my daughter. it helps me to stay focus on my own happiness, not to pity myself, yeah we all struggles because of this mess, but we should be proud to ourselves coz we do the right thing. soon when our child(ren) grows up and get matured they will respect us for doing that. and for the WW, they will NEVER gain the same respect like we do, or she will never be respected at all.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: philippines
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, I so love to hear the common theme of our children. It is a driving force in me.

And i see you guys fihting the big fight and coming out ahead. Its grea. I know I still have more fiht in me and I have to stick by me. It is a tough battle, but hopefully we can find a road.


heftysmurf, hey man, glad you found your way over here. I have not read back in your posts, just the recent ones of you and W. As I mentioned yesterday, at least she is posting over in Waywad. That means here is always some chance. I would give mst anyhing to have my W be willing to put some of it out there to work with.

Stick to the IC and MC and keep posting. You'll make it. the mind movies will only settle down with time. I think most of the guys here would agree. They suck big time, they do settle down. Tha and you eventually figure out how to get past them and some of the other crap flying through your head.

I think some of the best advice give is to not make radical decisions right away. But all in all you have to follow your heart.

Thoughts and prayers to all here.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. You help big time. I can use a fellow guys perspective sometimes.

The thing that kills me right now is am I crazy for wanting R> My sig kinda says it all. I think I am answering my own question DOH. I must be patient for a bit more because this is still early. I am guessing 6 mos to a year to get any clarity. 3 to 5 years to heal. WOW that is a long road.


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a long road, but it takes longer to heal an emotion than the physical. I have often thought it would have been easier if she would have just shot me. I would at least be healed from it by now.

You also have to remember that she is going to be on a wicked roller coaster of her own. So she will be up and down. generally opposite your ride.

Take this time to work on you. I note that she sees issues on both sides of the M. That is truely a healhy outlook. As long as she can focus on her. I know that my issues in my life certainly influence my decision making process. It also compounds some of the pains and reactions. I am working on them, they are tough, but hopefully I can make it work out. You have a great oppurtunity for you also.

Thoughts and prayers to you guys.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having such a hard time, it is taxing me greatly. Just wanted to say it somewhere.

To brighten the day my son and I joined a play at church. I tink it will be fun and it is something we can do together. He is kinda sad that his mom is ignoring him.

Hoping Feb is brighter.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

posting for a friend. Forgot to say there is a seperate forum for SAb.

And here is a reprint of Stunned Dad's first post in the thread:


Topic: Candid talk about sex abuse and its role in affairs

I have seen it plenty of times on more than one message board....sex abuse and infidelity going hand and hand.

It seems to have a category of its own because often what happens in the here and now is not just influenced by past abuse but HEAVILY influenced by past abuse.

Some common vunerablities of sex abuse victims:

1) Low self esteem/sense of worthlessness. For those who were repeatedly abused they percieve there only value in having sex or being used for sex. They have a hard time seeing themselves beyond this. Often they cannot accept compiments, cannot accept loving relationship is because they don't feel worthy of being loved.

2) Disassociate. Victims learn both in the begginning of being abused then later as a coping mechanism to disassociate themselves from the abuse from their attacker. During the abuse the victim will learn to pick a spot on the ceiling or wall and focus on it until the abuse was over. After the abuse is over they learn to disassociate the every day person from the person abused. It allows them to seperate the pain of abuse from the everyday life.

3) Minimizing. Abuse victims learn to minimize the abuse. After all if they convince themselves its not abuse then they are not victims...who wants to be a victim. Or if they convince themselves the abuse wasn't all that bad then don't feel the urgency to face it to deal with it.

4) Compartmentalize. Abuse victims learn to comparmentalize things. If they store painful memories in the far reaches of their mind then don't have to live with it constantly. The memories are still there unlike suppressing or repressing memories.

5) Secrecy. Abuse victims learn real early you don't tell. Often a skilled (word used loosely) predator can tell which children will or won't tell. And of course they go after the child they think won't tell. In closer relationships where the abuser is a someone known to the victim they rely on pressure and manipulating the victim into silence. They may say things like be quiet you don't want to people to know you did this or that. They may imply some type of harm will come to the victim and in some cases outright threaten the victim should they tell.

6) Self blaming. This comes in many forms. The abuser themselves while try and convince their victim they "wanted it" or they "enjoyed it". The victim might have a physical reaction to the abuse. They will say well if I felt something if I responded then I must have wanted it in someway. Finally society will project blame....good girls don't do that. For boys straight boys don't do that and so on.

7) Lack of empathy. Not surprising that if you learn to ignore your own abuse then you won't be very aware of other persons pains.

8) Distorted sexuality. Sex becomes something that is based on control not on love and pleasure. The victim sees sex a way to get "secondary gains". If I submit to this then I will be liked, loved or even just left alone. They see sex as unpleasant, as hurtful as being less of significane. In short they take those skills of minimizing, disassociation and apply it to their sexuality. Sex is less about pleasure and more about who is the boss.

Those are just some of the many ways sex abuse impacts its victim.

How does that relate to adultery?

Well first and foremost we know many WSs had low self esteem. They felt unloved, they felt worthless.

We also know that WSs compartmentalize, minimize, disassociate themselves from the fantasy of their affair and their every day life.

And of course all affairs involve a high level of secrecy.

But here is the big key for those WSs that were sexually abused as a child or young teen........these feelings (distorted sexuality and sense of worthlessness), these learned behaviors (compartmentalizing, disassociating and minimizing) were FORCED on them.

The SA victim HAD to learn these behaviors in order to cope with something forced on them against their will. And often forced on them when they were for the most defenseless to deal with the abuser.

I would urge any BS who's spouse was sexually abused to read The Sexual Healing Journey. It covers a ton of stuff on how SA impacts its victims. It also speaks to the partners or loved one of SA victims.

My old computer crased but I hope to get the bookmarks off the old drive. There are ton of posts on Marriage Builders by abuse victims. They talk very candidly about how the abuse controled them for years even though they thought they had a handle on it.

So both WS and BS dealing with SA please keep in mind what happened in the recent past was strongly influenced by your WS's past as a child or young teen. And it was a past that saw things forced on them against their will.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
bohemain
♂ Member
Member # 8655
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry your having a hard time hurts! The play sounds like a great idea -- hang in there.

Thanks for the post on SA also. My wife has had some things happen to her. I often wonder how much of an effect it has had on where we are today.

I am not sure its ok for me to post here... because I was also a WS. I feel like a broke a "guy code" BIG TIME!! ..wish there was a way to redeem myself.


"What you focus on grows"
me WS then BS -- 39
her BS then WS -- 38 (mountaingirl)
married for 18 years, 3 wonderful children
working towards R -- story on profile

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2005
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey bohemain - I know I don't mind. You are someone who has walked on both side s of the street.

Welcome, make yourself comfortable.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
chriscross
♂ Member
Member # 17166
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

here's an update:

im in NC with my STBXNPDWW but yesterday i made a big mistake. i reply to her email, explaining that i feel sorry for her and miss her, and saying that if she's remorseful i may consider to give her a chance. to give my daughter a complete family. because i love them both.

i also told her that nobody will love her the way i do, and men will come and go to her life because they all want to get laid to a married woman.

i think im a little bit crazy last night.. its like she didnt ask for forgiveness and here i am emailing her.. saying that i will forgive her, if she take her chance..(am i look pathetic guys) hit me please!

have you experience that? thou we are in recovery of our WW... but somehow in the spur of the moment you miss the woman you once loved?

i know it was a mistake.. it looks like im the one begging her to come back.. but i really miss her last night. but today, the reality.. no fuckin way. im beginning to love the life i have right now.. without all of the drama she created.

BTW: she emailed me first saying that she wanted to talk. i didnt reply a thing, until yesterday.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: philippines
chriscross
♂ Member
Member # 17166
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

by the way... if she email me back (i hope she's not) and asking if i am serious.. i will tell her, "its not me who send you that email, its my droid" hehe.. just kidding..

well, i will just ignore her. besides she doesnt know my new cellphone number, she emailed me asking my number and i didnt reply.. she emails me from time to time.. pretending that nothing happens.. what a piece of crap.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: philippines
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bohemian, I'm a mad hatter (me EA/PA, xW 3 year LTA), and I've always been welcomed here.

It all comes down to how one learns from ones mistakes, BS or WS.

I've personally finally let go of xW - if you're interested, my post in General: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=213316

Now finally leaving work...10mins before midnight...


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
kodiak
♂ New Member
Member # 18144
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good evening gents. My WW and I are in the middle of what I hope to be our 1 and only R. All seems to be going well but I am tempted to consult a lawyer about getting a post nuptial agreement in place. I know every state has different laws but just some genral feedback regarding this would be much appreciated especially if you have gone down this path. Thank you.


Me: 33, BH
Her: 31, WW
D-Day: 11/21/07
Forgave WW: 2/10/08
Married 8 years
Reconciliation - going very well

Posts: 21 | Registered: Feb 2008
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have talked to attorney on post nuptial agreements. In my great state they hold little to no value, legally. Even pre-nups can be contested and lost in court. A friend of mine just went through this on a D. In which he felt he had a rock solid pre-nup. Since he was married for 14 years, the XW was entitled to half the growth/intrest during the M.

But honestly a post-nup is a just-in-case insurance policy, that will not give any peace of mind. If your truly in R, you would feel this is a needless step.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im still in Awe, my XW asking to get a passport for my 2 1/2 month old son. Today was my 2 hour visitation that I get once a week, course they name it 'parenting time'...
At first she decided since I wouldn't agree to sign anything for a passport that since it was cold out, my son shouldn't be taken outta her house. Just an excuse that held little water to be honest, he went straight into a warm truck 10 mile drive to my brothers house. But it goes to show a simple fact, she is using my son as a control to get what she wants. Why would a newborn need a passport?! She has no family outta country. She tells me its not like im gunna be taking him to move somewhere...

To which honestly I should have said:

Your a lying bitch that only cares about one thing, yourself. You continually lied throughout our M, and still do to this day. Your again putting yourself in front of everything, including your own son to go chase whatever rainbow looks pretty at this time. Your a parent now, you should act like it, our son is not a bargining chip, that of your good graces I get to see.

The whole Karma of it is, my son looks exactly like me, to a tee. My XW has repeatedly told me he wishes my son was a daughter because for whatever reason it would look like her...

Sad part is I only get to see him 2 hours a week, because she claims to be brest feeding him. Lets be honest, you can see formula stains, smell it on their breath, see it in their poop. Just another lie, to keep him from seeing his daddy.

Her new trick for the past month has been not to top him off when I pick him up. So when I have him hes crying because hes hungry, simple fix:) Im prepaired, same formula shes feeding him.. Funny what ya learn going through photos I took of him and in the background was formula when she wouldn't let me take him outta her house. Also got the shots with the household chemicals(weed be gone, paint thinner, etc) just lying in the background of the living room of her house

Whenever I call to confirm, or ask about my son, he is always crying in the back ground. But whenever Im around him, hes great, I address his needs and provide stimulus (spl.) Hes a great little guy, and deserves the best life possible. I want to give that to him.. But in the meantime Im documenting his life, got close to 10gb worth of pictures of him, just during these 2 hour 'visits' and he gets to meet his only Grandpa and Grandma, his Uncles and Aunts, and his sister.

Passport to take him away from me, Um HELL no!


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
chriscross
♂ Member
Member # 17166
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((twicetorn))))

yeah it sucks when our xWW's use our child/ren for their own selfish interest, good thing my daughter is with me.

prayers for you my friend.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: philippines
SheDoneMeWrong
♂ New Member
Member # 15037
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah it sucks when our xWW's use our child/ren for their own selfish interest, good thing my daughter is with me.

CC,

So true!

My daughter (11) is the only reason I'm hanging out here in Limboland. If I didn't have a kid, I'd be long gone - and my cheater KNOWS it! She uses the kid as a hostage - what a crappy thing to do!!

I discovered her affair in April of '07 and she still won't admit/come clean. She did say that she'd been seeing him for about 2 years but they were "just friends."


"Always tell the truth, that way you don't have to remember what you've said" ~ Mark Twain

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Western Michigan
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