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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
aprilbetdme
♂ Member
Member # 21211
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW broke NC rule on 2/4/09, day after my b-day

we have not had an opportunity to talk about much since then. will talk about it tonight

wish me luck


year later.
Hard to believe that I put so much into the relationship with WW.
I did learn many valuable lessons that Ive taken onto my next relationship.

Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.


Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: minnesota
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[[[aprilbetdme]]]

I wish you luck, but hold your ground. This a huge violation of trust she just committed. You desearve be treated better bottom line.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be strong aprilbetdme!

That is utter bullshit. There is no slack here. She is either in the game or out.

You deserve better.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOU filing divorce (today!!!!!!) gives you SOME advantage..
'least i heard that...

i'm still in the D-process,
but GOOD FOR YOU!
to keep yer dam boundaries -
get the FUCK away from the UTTER BULLSHIT!
ape))))))))))))))


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey lissen!
how much time settin up the typical scent worn-off phase?
But you know it will happen with any ole OM.

You Just Know.

then the laughter.

just gotta be patient.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct, a change
jj-10% ($20)
sportsfan -11%
wh5 - 12% ($20)
Finally -13%
tputer - 14% ($20)
LoLo -15%
Nvis Man -16%
Defiance-17%
Moo - 18%
Ser - 19%
TT -20% ($30)
Finally - 21%
Kuwaited 23%
Ready - 25%
t2g - 27%

Hope it helps.

I'm in for $40 (tapped out my Paypal balance!!).


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8446 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. jj-10% ($20)
2. sportsfan -11%
3. wh5 - 12% ($20)
4. Finally -13%
5. tputer - 14% ($20)
6. LoLo -15%
7. Nvis Man -16%
8. Defiance-17%
9. Moo - 18%
10. Ser - 19%
11. TT -20% ($30)
12. Finally - 21%
13. Kuwaited 23%($40)
14. Ready - 25%
15. t2g - 27%

We at 230?
O WOW!
Wimmens in BIG trouble!


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, I know this is out of the line of stuff here. But I have to just say that I am so close to the end of my rope, again. I know that I have bounce room, but I just don't know whats left to do or how I can possibly survive all of this.

I just wanted to yell it out somewhere, I don't feel like it is important, and it wont go anywhere, but I am so tired of all of it.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurts)))) it aint out of line, and it is important.
Let us know, vent it out, it's ok.
Sometimes, just being is all i can manage.
It's ok man.

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're here for you hurts


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35354 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurts, I get that way sometime too. What exactly are you going thru?


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, February 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its just life, it is full. I dont feel like I can express myself to my W concerning anything to do with the A. I am 3+ years and it is still that way. I deal with a SAb W who struggle so hard to keep everything inside her and operate on some kind of even keel. She is a world class compartmentalizer. She knows that so much of this crap is eating me up. She is not transpartent in her dealings with EAOM (he is her boss). On the trust issue, well, most times I am ok, but so many times I just don't knw. My gut says all is ok, but I hate being left out of a loop that creates so much fear for me.

That and I am trying so hard to R, but it is a one way street, its me. I mean she is here, she is remorsefull and has said sorry. But thats it. Her IC told her like 9 months after A that she had done everything possible and now it was up to me to fix me. He simply enabled her to drop any effort at all.

I have asked many times to go to MC, she answers either no or if you need me to, I'll go (very sarcasticly). I already know that that is a complete waste of time and hope.

I hate all of these feelings that keep boiling up inside of me that I cant do anything with. I am not willing to walk away from the kids. Life here is not untolerable, but the internal stuff kills me. I just don't know how to dump it and accept what I have.

99.9 percent of all of this is below the surface, I know better than to bring it out. ANd W is just as happy to not deal with it. I feel like she feels that since she has it all under control (SAb), then I should also. Guess I am not a good as her in that area. I don't know how to close the lid.

And on top of that I am dealing with my adult and teenage kids who are just so full of themselves. And some of the crap is just so hurtful to a soul.

That and no jobs. This economy has wiped out my job, nothing out there on the horizion either. The local paper has had less that 20 ads each day since November. I don't qualify for most. At the general ones, wow, the shear number of applicants . Not the best of times for a 53 yo guy with a couple of health issues.

Trick is I am so very tired of the fight. I hurt all the time, physically and emotionally. I see no end. to it. I struggle so hard to find any value to me. I feel like that gutted guy that was left on the side of the road on dday. I live my life saying sorry for everything I do or say.

I just hate this frickin life. And yet I am stuck in it.

Right now I have a job lined up in June and July in the mountains in New Mexico. I am looking forward to that, it is outdoors and doing what I like to do. So - maybe.

Anyway guys, thats a small side of it. I appreciate the ear. I just have no support system here IRL. It just kinda sucks.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[[[hurts]]]

I do understand some of what your going through. After DDay #1 I was trying so hard to save the M, to make it work. We did go through MC, not a very good one, but one. I was told I was the one that needed to step up in the M, basically I was 50% part of the reason my W had an A in the first place.
For SAB survivors this is all their taught, and learned their whole life. WW can bury it, put it in the past no problem, and your supposed to to the same.
I was so stupid to buy into it.. If I did everything the MC was asking for, somehow it would fix that broken. My XWW of course was good at doing the minimum needed, placating the MC. Course skirting around all the SAB issues. Until they actually realize that there line of thinking is not normal, and healthy ways are available to handle their lives... Well they have to do it that for themselves, no one can hold a mirror up to them.

Hurts, it suck your stuck in her spiral, but know shes never going to change. The economy totally sucks, and theres really nothing you can do about that. Good you got a job prospect for the summer. Lots of people around here are losing their long time jobs. Sucks...

I didn't know better, or have the insight to infidelity like I do now.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, February 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my friend hurts))) - we seem to have a lot in common.
The under-the-surface stuff?

I want to help you figure out how to dump it, as you say - cause if you don't...well don't mean to be exaggerating, but you know...eats up inside. Yep.

Some call it 'ideating', I'll just call it waving a magic wand and fixing it for you.

So what I imagine, since I've never been able to express myself either -
is to interview, or 'screen' several MC's, IC's.
Too many stories on here of dumbass counselors that piss me off to no end! -
so I aint taking a chance.
I'm going to make sure they 'get it', and are talented/gifted 2X4-wielders.

I will lay out all the patterns of deception, lies, gaslighting, avoidance - and subsequent cruelty to me, in advance.

Then I haul her sarcastic ass in. I'm making a 2-hour appointment!
I got my list, and I got color-coded cards to hold up for each one of her patterned-"avoidance behaviors". All planned out.

I am doing the big dump. All reasonable-like...
no shouting...nope...don't need to.
You know why?
Cause I don't care about the outcome for her; whether she listens, or gets it, or not.

I already know the outcome for me.
(BIG SIGH!)
But it's for me, and it'll feel great to finally be able to express myself without interruptions, rage, diversions, tangents, bullshit!

It's a real "letting go of the outcome" moment for me!

Man, I feel better after just typing this thing! lol!


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Hurts, I know what you're saying man. I'm almost 4 years out and still have things that just knaw at me, but, I can't seem to talk about them to her. It sucks man. Don't ever feel you can't let it out here tho, we'll listen.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
hurtingbad
♂ Member
Member # 17199
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, February 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, I am not sure what SAB stands for...

Also, it feels like I am living out a sentence in my M one painful day at a time and completely unable to change things for the better. FWW isn't serious about MC or IC, but she could benefit from both. The A topic always lurks on the edges, but we never talk about it any more. When I bring it up she gets defensive and angry.

I am right there with you feeling that life sucks and you can't do much about it.


Is there a cure for stupidity? I sure hope so ...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Nov 2007
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, February 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAB = Sexually Abused. People that have been and not delt with it, they develop a coping mechnism to handle it. When abused sexually as such they are told by the abuser not to tell anyone, so they are left to deal with it themselves. Their mind, and emotional devlopment is not ready to handle such. Very much like PTSD (post dramatic stress disorder) they process it in survival mode.

This causes major problems later in life. Since what they have gone through early in life these coping mechanisms take hold. We as people that don't understand their mindset don't understand. Later in life they act out, for attention, usually sexually.

Link to an article about it:
http://www.homestar.org/bryannan/checklst.html

Some act out, some hide under anti depressents, some other try to find out why they are feeling this way.

I would venture to guess that 90%+ of all of us BH are dealing with WW that have been through this.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
resigned
♂ Member
Member # 12903
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts-I feel your pain.

My FWW is a victim of childhood SAb.

It's a terrible thing. Not their fault that they never developed proper coping mechanisms. Part of the fall out for me is her inability to be empathetic. It tears me apart.

The only relief I get is when I internalize my pain and stop looking toward her to meet my needs. But then I get resentful.

3 years out. Life isn't turning out for me the way I had envisioned.


Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2006
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys I need your help tonight, im feeling really in the funk.

I ended up selling tools that I didn't use alot any more. Many scan tools, my DRB3, Tech 2, PDS, a Modis. I also sold off my Landcruiser, and MR2 that I have had since highschool. I did it all to pay off my XWW on Child support for my son to be current. I had enought left over to buy this sweet little 2004 Audi S4 convert off of ebay. Black on black 4.2 v8 6 speed, 340hp, quattro. It was delevered today at the shop. I simply can't afford it insurance wise. I ended up selling it to a customer, that offered to buy it.

For once in my life I could have something this nice... I could just envision my son sitting in the back, seeing the world as only one can in a convertable during the summer. God he would have just plain loved it, totally a different experiance.

I had so many dreams, envisioning a future, it seems like every time I try to make stuff happen... Well back to reality...

Course didn't help driving home in my 20 year old Celica that 3 Doors Down Loser came on... I can totally understand that song now...

It shouldn't have to be like this. Im sick of the Drama, im sick of fighting tooth and nail for what is right. Im sick of trying to make it work and falling right back down. Im tired of fighting, working my ass of to make a life work. IM sick of moving 2 steps forward only to be pulled back... By a person that should not have control of me, but through the court system does... How much longer do I have to pay for it!?


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twice,

I hear you. I did a lot and swallowed a lot to keep my family together (I didn't want to pay CS and alimony and live in my parents' basement).

My daily driver is a battered, 13 year old Toyota Tercel. My fun vehicle is a small, leaky, 30 year old Japanese motorcycle. I pick up a lot of my clothing at thrift shops.

But my girls have a home, they're fed, and they may not have what their friends do, but they have enough.

I guess I'm saying a good relationship with your son is worth more than any material thing.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

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