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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twohearts, it sounds like she is not remorseful at all. My ex w now wants to date me. She seems to think I will just forget all the lies, pain and betrayal. She wants you to sweep it under the rug. My ex MIL has cheated on my ex FIL. They stay together. I guess he can forget. My ex has SAB issues. She did not tell me that she was sexually abused as a five yearold until after our D. You WW may have boundary issues. I wish I could help with more concrete ideas or answers.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
TwoHearts
♂ Member
Member # 20647
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that my WW does have some of those same exact issues you described. The trouble is that they just seem to make her better at manipulating me than I could ever have expected. Her avoidance skills are unmatched in humankind.

I am not convinved that I have chosen the correct path with R ... but I keep hoping that she will see the light or be made to look at it.

I don't think I can do any more than I have to try and get her help. If she is still playing me, the karma bus will come elong eventually, at least it would if it were me screwing up. .


1Sa 22:23 (NIV) - "Stay with me; don't be afraid; the man who is seeking your life is seeking mine also. You will be safe with me."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: 2nd Place
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your a hell of a guy for trying to R. I hear a lot about Karma and the Karma bus. I am wondering if it ever will make a Karma stop on her. I wanted to R but she didnt. Will your w go to counseling? MC or IC? I think there is a basic reason WWs cheat. If you can find out why then maybe the problem can be fixed. Its just my idea. It has no basis in science or even in reality.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is a basic reason WWs cheat. If you can find out why then maybe the problem can be fixed.

Nope. Even knowledge, it shall pass away.
We already know it's selfish and evil.
Nothing - not the voice of God Himself shaking mount Sinai!
causing millions to fall back in awe!
-nothing! tears the blinders off self-limiting (by definition!) selfishness.

Nothing, but a new something in the heart.
The evil in the human heart has driven all of history.
It is its eternal tarnished golden thread.
Same thing. over and over and over
again.

It has no basis in science or even in reality.

Science does not contain the tools to measure these things.
This depth of hurt.
I think that is the province of poets, artists, sages...

I am here, manhuggin)))))))))))) the hell out of everyone here

because it is
oh yes
it is
reality.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is a basic reason WWs cheat.

Yes there is a very basic reason, sometime in their past they were SAB or even physically abused. They developed a coping mechnism to deal with it. They are not equiped to hand intimacy until they really take the steps in order to fix the broken part of them...

They cheat because of the attention they are getting from the A partner, its not love its lust. They rationalize that the reason they did it was for M problems, they will highlight certian things that were not a big deal during the M. They will say they have been unhappy for a long time, etc...

Until they actually take full responsablity for their own actions, and get some IC, and work on it. R cannot, and does not take place. The work on the M cannot take place until the real reason the A, or A's took place. The rewritting, and blaming the M is not the answer, or the problem cause. They have to fix themselves first, before work on the M can take place.

As far as Women over Men able to be forgiving, it really depends on the A type. A PA for BW is alot more forgiveable then a EA, because they feel more betrayed by the EA, it was more then a sexual act. BH have more of a problem with a PA, because that was a physical act, someone violated what was only something given to a BH.

Either way, work has to be done on the person that violated the M. The problem and attitude have to be 100% committed to fixing themselves.

[This message edited by TwiceTorn at 11:44 PM, January 9th (Friday)]


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a very excellent definition of the gender-difference, i might add, to tt's analysis.
how it is and feels is:
"the same but different"

well put tt)))))))))))!!!!!!!!



Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh, and PS...
here's tt- goin thru a bunch of total dam shit...
STILL!

puttin it out there to help.

dam!
i'm honored & humbled!
jj


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Putting it back to the forum that helped me so much jjct.

Where else can Betrayed men talk? I think all of us here can relate to going through this shit. Those that haven't been delt these repeated blows have no idea.
Its not like we can talk about this openly to other guys, unless they BTDT.

Personally I dunno how I would made it through this all without this forum, and this site. Im still on a uphill battle, but I will make it.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
TwoHearts
♂ Member
Member # 20647
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH have a bigger problem with a PA, because that was a physical act, someone violated what was only something given to a BH.

Very well said. But please can we find a word other than "bigger"?


1Sa 22:23 (NIV) - "Stay with me; don't be afraid; the man who is seeking your life is seeking mine also. You will be safe with me."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: 2nd Place
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, January 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy New Year guys

We made it through 2008


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Mr_Destiny
♂ Member
Member # 18725
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow... I guess I been lingering in the D&S and NB area too much. I never been in these conversations before now.

I agree with what you are saying Twice about the effect of being a SAB in their youth. Most don't realize or even if they did wouldn't acknowledge this as part of their problems in their adult lives. They have a choice to deal with it or deny it but that still doesn't excuse it.

My X claims she was an SAB child by her Step father and step brother... She claimed it was her reason for escape from home with her 1st marriage. That ended w/divorce #2 ended with Divorce because he was abusive and a cheat #3 ended with divorce because he was a liar and a cheat... Mine ended with divorce because I was a liar, cheat, abusive, etc. etc. etc. Yea right! I guess I was a cheat because I started a relationship with her when she convinced me that she was divorcing #3.

Well.... Hind sight is 20/20 I think she just plain hates men period. This could be a result of the SAB but who knows?

I think she is a serial cheater and just used guys as a survival tool and would go from one to the next using the last as a safety net till the next one is in the bag. It's what her track record reflects anyway. Each guy including my self were completely different but she would become that guys Ideal woman each time by learning their lifestyle and interests so she could adapt and become that person. Once she either used them up or when things don't go her way... It's on to the next one just like a parasite.

I think that women like her go out of their way to destroy the last person they were with in hopes that they can cover their tracks or tactics from the next. Or to make the last one look like some kind of unstable loon or loser.

Just my experience so far anyway. People like this are toxic and and will never be able to R. They are just way to damaged.


"The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything."

Me: 49/M (BS)
C: 16/DD (Alienated)
D-Day: 5/8/07
Separated: 5/8/07
Divorced: 5/21/08
50/50 means nothing to a Sociopath


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Wisconsin
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, January 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome aboard Mr_Destiny!

Great insight! I dunno if its they hate men, or this is all they ever known. The problem is it runs so deep into their own personalities because this is what they had to endure, and taught from early on in their childhood. In order for them to be able to fix themselves they would have to unlearn all the damage that was instilled in that early age. That takes ALOT of work! Ultimatly its their choice of working on it, no one else can force them to deal with it..

We are left as collateral damage, because through out thier lives they don't take responsiblity for their actions... They had to do it in their minds. The list of adult life mental illnesses from SAB is a long list. Part of the whole reason they focus so much hatred toward the BH is a projected response about how they really feel about themselves. They have justified in their own minds that they are the victim in all of this, and in life.

They never developed emotionally past the time they were SAB. They had to develop a coping mechnism right then to process it. They become emotionally stunted, never develop the feelings of compassion, empathy, or intimacy. Infatuation is all that is known as love, they are not capable of understanding true love. Going from one infatuation to the next, not truly understanding why they do this, yet placing the blame on the last relationship.

It really is a sad way of life.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
TwoHearts
♂ Member
Member # 20647
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo, Twice. Well said.


1Sa 22:23 (NIV) - "Stay with me; don't be afraid; the man who is seeking your life is seeking mine also. You will be safe with me."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: 2nd Place
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are left as collateral damage, because through out thier lives they don't take responsiblity for their actions... They had to do it in their minds. The list of adult life mental illnesses from SAB is a long list. Part of the whole reason they focus so much hatred toward the BH is a projected response about how they really feel about themselves. They have justified in their own minds that they are the victim in all of this, and in life.

Very true TT! My STBX was abused when younger and placed in foster care for several years where further issues occurred. And then once her mom remarried she was abused by step-brothers.

After Dday she not only told me she never felt connected to me, but most likely would never feel connected to any man.
Thus, near as I can tell from the rumors/grapevine, she is now on guy #5 or 6! Many she saw while still with me. I find it ironic that the guy she left me for recently dumped her -- only because she now gets to feel what I felt when forced to move out.


They never developed emotionally past the time they were SAB. They had to develop a coping mechnism right then to process it. They become emotionally stunted, never develop the feelings of compassion, empathy, or intimacy. Infatuation is all that is known as love, they are not capable of understanding true love. Going from one infatuation to the next, not truly understanding why they do this, yet placing the blame on the last relationship.

This is exactly what my STBX did. I only wonder why she waited 20+ years to move on. I guess I was a nice security blanket for the time the kids where small.

Other SI dudes - check in!


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
slicerboy
♂ Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am here... not liking that I'm a member of the BH club!


Me: BH

I'm stronger today than I was yesterday...


Posts: 751 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: MN
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here.

Dday about 11 years ago.

WW had a 5+ year EA PA with a work "friend". I wanted so much for our marriage to work not only for me but for our sons that I let a lot slide and the A was buried.

Nearly 10 years later, sons grown and out of the house she decided to contact her OM again. They were friends after all so what could be the harm (her words).

You can guess the rest.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not liking that I'm a member of the BH club!

Yeah? At least you(we!) have somebody to commiserate with that understands. My friends/family IRL just do not understand what I have been going through.

And I am not even going to guess why you choose slicerboy for a user-name!!! <ouch!>


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

retired BH here


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

There are shortcuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them-Vicky Baum


Posts: 49767 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
A Million Pieces
♂ Member
Member # 21910
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here. New (~6 weeks from d-day #1) here, but feel like I've read and seen all the same actions that my WW (and I) have done/gone through.

TwiceT - I agree 100% with your assesment on SAB. My WW was date raped by her best friend at 17. I don't think she's ever really delt with it - just pushed it down. It's taken 20yrs, but its come back in the form of zero self esteem and the desperate need for external validation - she gets none from herself.

It's really sad to see someone so beautiful and bright have no self love. The only thing worse is knowing that she slept with someone(actually more than 1) to get that validation.


Me: BS (37)
Her: WW (37)
Married 12 yrs; together 19
D-Day 11/22/2008
D-Day #2 (admitted previous PA) 12/5/2008
D-Day #3: 1/9/2009 (EA)
D-Day #4: 6/22/2009 (EA - she stopped before PA)
Status: Trying to R; Coping with WW being Bipolar

Posts: 80 | Registered: Dec 2008
HeavyE
♂ Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Present and accounted for.


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
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