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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tk I agree with ya. The thing to remeber infidelity is 100% the person commiting the act. I think alot of people that heven't been through this as a BS fully understands. When my XWW first cheated early on in our 10 year M, she also said she didn't feel conbected, and wasn't being fulfilled.

Then we went to MC he was an older man. Same as you I got the guilt put on me. My XWW was very good at manipulation and blame shifting, this MC bought it. I was told I wasn't doing enough around the house, my XWW felt overwhelmed. Basically I was told that I drove her to have the A. The part that was broken in our M (XWW) was glazed over, and not directly addressed. If anything going through MC most of that year, my XWW was comming out shining like a new penny.

So the next DDay came along, and she used the same blameshifting, and how unhappy she was. I don't think my XWW really thought I would up and D her, she could just blow it off like last time.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You got a very bad mc. It is horrible enough the first time. I can't imagine it again. It sounds like 1st mc was an enabler.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya know, in my case I don't think it was solely the MC. The XWW is a very good manipulator, and easily bends the truth to her side, making it look like she is the victim. Shes very good at playing this part because she has been doing it her whole life.

During the time of the second DDay, March 7th 2007. We had already been going to MC for a month. My XWW wrote me a letter in Jan of 07 that she felt disconnected, and that we were mainly living as roomates. That we need to go to MC, she already had one all lined up. So I agreed to go. Meanwhile she was living a whole double life involving multiple A partners. Mainly these sessions before DDay#2 were about she felt about our relationship, how I need to improve. How I need to call her before leaving the shop. ETC, it was all about her, and how she could keep up her lifestyle, keeping me in blind, while I again was made to step it up in the M. I did bring up her past A years before, she answered right back just stunned that I haven't got over that. How that I should trust her by now, and how thats a big part of our M problem is I don't trust her and she feels sufficated by it...

She has always been this way, lying for her own gain. It always has been and always will be her way.

Now I have a son involved that was conceived one day before DDay #2. Which in its own way is so far are of the realm of reality since we tryed for years, including Invitro 3 times. So the court day on this is on November 12th. I truly beleive I can raise my son, and really have his best interests.

I remeber right after Dday#2 I went to my brothers house. I had the computer she was using, full access to her email exchanges. My SIL wanted to see a specific date... Turns out during a family vacation on July of 2007, with my Parents, SIL, XWW. The XWW wanted to go shopping by herself, and wanted to use my parents vehicle to go out shopping. My SIL asked if she could join her, and my XWW stated she needed 'me' time. Turns out she used my parents vehicle to met up with a suiter she had met on the internet for a sexual encounter. My SIL had noticed discharge stains in my XWW's underwear, after she came back to the cabin they were staying that night. SIL had a hunch something was up. A few days later my XWW again wanted to use my parents vehicle to go shopping again, my dad refused as they need to get it packed that day for the next leg of the vacation. My XWW pretty much threw a temper tantrum, and left the cabin to go for a walk.

The signs were all there, just the discussion between my family never got into the details.

My XWW is an icky person through and through, I wish I would have seen it earlier.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is horrible. She really treated you badly. She sounds worse than icky.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
kxm00
♂ Member
Member # 14075
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My MC was the same way, but she took time to explain why to me in an IC session.

My ex had been to therapy a lot as a child and learned how to play the system. My MC didn't feel she was getting honest and sincere answers from the ex when questioned about the first affair, so she decided to let her do her manipulations, lies and blame shiftings. Then she caught her in them.

To put it simply, the MC didn't feel we would make any progress until my ex's gripes were heard. Typical selfishness.

It was actually kind of funny to watch, of course if I wasn't directly involved I may have found it funny, that is.

In the end, it didn't change anything as we never made it to the part of fixing things. The ex quit when she thought it was far enough behind us, but she never once explained why. A year later, she did it again.

I don't think MC will work unless both are equally committed. It sounds as if some MCs know it won't work, but take the hourly check anyway and go through the motions just like the WW.


D-day: 6/25/06
D-day #2: 8/16/07 Found out for sure she was seeing another OM while we were deciding to divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

Divorced 3/5/08.


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: PA
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Exclaimation  Posted: 1:58 PM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All,

First time poster and also a first time BS. I have read for a while and finally joined.

I know my wife's affair/pregnancy with a man she works with is not my fault, but I still have to say that some days it is tough. She ended up miscarrying the baby (She did not want to keep it anyway).

This forum finally helped me reach a point where I retained a lawyer and am starting the dissolution process. My wife, of course, has not made much of an effort to fix things and has been gaslighting me for three months while she is still involved with her affair. We may still pull our marriage out of the dirt but I cannot continue the way it is.

Thanks for all the comments that helped me grow a pair and finally stand up for what I need.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a great site. I am sorry you ended up here. The gaslighting will go on until she is out of the fog. I found out about my w affair in Jan 08. Divorced in may 08. My ex is still in the fog.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Finallyawake!

I am glad we could be of help. You probably know the drill, read up here on SI and learn all you can about your situation. As well, we are here to help as we were all where you are at. Do not fear posting in the other forums (Just Found Out, General, D&S and even Fun and Games. There is all sorts of support here... you are amongst friends!


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys,

My wife is truly in a fog right now. In the space of three days she has told herself that she wants to be married to the other guy, then wants to stay married to me, then decides that she wants neither. I have just stepped away from it all. We are still in the same house trying to be as good as we can for the kids. I say we, but the heavy lifting in taking care of our kids is provided by me. I work out of the house and pretty much take care of most everything mostly because she does not even try. Her fog reducing environment will be created when she is on her own and has to take care of everything that she has conveniently ignore for 14 years.

The one interesting bright spot in all this is that I have really been trying to take care of myself. I have lost a lot of weight and work our every day. I now have women at work and other places who know about my divorce and they seem to be angling for my attention. Scary, but a small ego boost nonetheless.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to Si Finallyawake.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, November 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome aboard Finallyawake!

The club none of wanted to join at all. If you do feel that D is your best route, I would suggest getting it filed and retain an attorney asap. If she is still on the fog, R is impossible.

The best part of this forum is you can vent away! Tell us your feelings, we have all been there done that. Your among friends, that truly understand.

I understand completly about the ego boost of getting checked out I know how it shatters your ego, how it makes you ask the question:

"Was I not man enough for my wife? Was she not satisfied with our sex life?"

The bottom line is the affairs were all about her, the broken part of her. It had nothing to do with you, it was all a selfish act on her part. Her actions were NOT at ALL a reflection on you, or your marriage.

Glad to have ya aboard FA!


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, November 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twice torn, you are so right on. I have felt so minimized in this situation. And the real zinger is that her friends have told her repeatedly how lucky she is to have me as a husband. I am not perfect but I like to feel that I have a lot of my life together. That is the tough part. I am introspective enough to look at myself honestly. I saw a post on another forum where someone said that they would be happy to take 50% of the blame for the state of their marriage, but 0 percent of the blame for their WS affair. That is truly how I feel. Our marriage was having issues but it is hard to work on a marriage with someone who is severely depressed but will not seek help. Someone who think helping themselves is not eating much at all, drinking too much, and abandoning their responsibilities to their family.

She was told by her IC that she needed to go on medication for depression and see a psychiatrist. It took her four weeks before she called to make the appointment. I know she is in the fog right now but some days it is too much to sit back and watch anymore.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We still here guys?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35285 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am but I don't think many guys on this site know about this thread.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here! This thread was heavily used initially but not so much any more... obviously.

Why not?


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya, in the early days it was a page a day. I guess we get so wrapped up in the other forums we just kinda walked away. So how are ya all doing?


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm doing better, my DW found a med to control her anxiety, and my house no longer feels like an asylum.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Tim3167
♂ Member
Member # 17195
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just over a year out....and I have more days where I feel like a normal guy living a normal life.

I have had a stretch of days where I have been doubting everything. I'm lucky in that my wife has been consistently remorseful and transparent. I think my problem lies in that even though we have worked so hard to understand what the core causes of her actions were, sometimes I get a PTSD type wave of emotion where I just realize what she did and it feels very raw. It's like at times like that I don't think about all the reasons behind it then and how she has looked into herself to address those issues....I only see her with another man not wanting me and deceiving me.

Does that make sense? I do feel fortunate however that she has shown such dedication to R though.


BH 42 (me)
WW (39) (posts as "Meeko")
DDay #1 11/18/2007
DDay #2 4/2/2008

Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2007
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not alone, Tim. I still get those at two years out.

Had one just this morning, in fact, thinking about how we were always that couple where we didn't keep secrets our friends told us from one another. We used to tell people when they wanted to share something in confidence that they could go ahead as long as they understood we'd be sharing whatever they said with our spouse.

I don't even know what triggered that memory, but right on the heels came the, "Oh, yeah. We shared everything except her sleeping around...and God only knows what secrets of mine she shared with them."

But at two years, those waves tend to pass as quickly as they come up. You sort of recognize the new reality, but there isn't a great deal of emotional weight attached to the loss of the old one.

Understand, though, that part of recognizing the new reality is accepting the changes. The memory trigger or whatever it was, just reminded me of how different things are now. Now, if someone wants to speak to me in confidence...they speak only to me. I don't share those things with my wife, because I can't guarantee that it won't get passed along to someone else.

I'm not sad about that change anymore. It's just one of the ways our relationship is different.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonerider,

That's great news!!!

Tim,

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. They do get better with time.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35285 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
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