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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
deacon33
♂ Member
Member # 19760
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my xW was unable, probably due to "help" from my side, to get out of the toxic shame.

She didn't think I would forgive her, and thus more or less gave up, which of course guaranteed I couldn't forgive her. Vicious circle

This is exactly the place my WW and I are at. I can't get past her continual contact/commitment to OM...how do you forgive when she runs back to the A?

As stated, vicious cycle.


"Lost are only those, who abandon themselves" - Hans-Ulrich Rudel

O Praeclarum Custodem, Ovium Lupum (Cicero)

Happily Divorced


Posts: 433 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New Jersey
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deacon,

What's to forgive, she's continuing the A?

Forgiveness implies remorse from the person who comitted the act, and a promise to no longer commit it.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, I just don't know how to get some of this stuff out of me. But I am so frustrated with myself for my complete inability to deal with this emotional crap boiling inside. I am tired and I have no energy to fight half of whats happening. I can not find any foresight to see possible outlets for who I am and who I can be. I have been in this fight for so long, I am so ready to give up. I don't see the problem anymore as a her issue or my issue. Just mine and my weak mindedness.

I want out. I don't want to do this fight any more. I have been saying this for years now. But I feel so much closer to finding that resolution.

Yeah, I can leave, and try it again on my own, but I am already past three strike. I feel I am just out. I think I am so much more afraid of trying again than I am of anything else. And you know what, I am just ready to be done with the struggle, the pain, the torment, and the fears.

I just want out. I guess I am not man enough to be able to handle this. I look with admiration on you guys who are doing it and surviving well. I am not one of those numbers. I am on the failing side of this equation and getting worse.

I just want out. More now than I ever remember. I am so tired of hurting and having to just pass it off as being part of the game.

Just kind of venting here guys, nothing important. I feel like a complete failure in life and just don't get why I should continue to try.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
gottago
♂ Member
Member # 12729
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurts,
I understand being ready to just check out!

Hell, I used to be kinda scared of death, but now, it doesn't scare me at all! I don't wear seat belts anymore, don't get physicals, etc. I just figure if I get something ugly, I'll spend my last time on a beach somewhere with REALLY good drugs for thepain...and maybe get pushed out into the Caribbean on a raft when the time comes; a real Viking funeral!

I am still "here" for my two teenage sons, as the light of my life is pretty much gone. It flickers occasionally, but that strong current of old has short circuited. I'm having a crisis of faith, as SO much of the whole A was connected to our church.

I feel like I am no longer married, as the vows were broken. FWW is emotionally a child, and either hasn't changed enough, or isn't attempting to change enough, for what I NEED and have requested, to try and fix our relationship.

The whole damn thing has been horribly emasculating to my ego, pride, confidence, etc.

Pretty much EVERYTHING in my life looks great, except the ONE thing that I cannot seem to forgive and "get thru".

I guess that this is my cross to bear, just as all of us have one.


I woke today, to a stream of screams, the pain roared down in black and white.
I fell and stared, the bit of what remains, my whole world crumbling around.

BS:47 FWW:46
Sons: 18 & 14
Married 22 years
D-Day#1:8-30-06 12:23pm (EA & NC)
D-Day#2:


Posts: 490 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Texas
TwoHearts
♂ Member
Member # 20647
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh, the war inside. What a fine present to get from your own spouse.

"How much of it was my fault" type questions have been replaced by "how much does she believe it was my fault"...the difference is to realize that I'm still loosing the battle.

She cheated and I should not have been the way I was or it wouldn't have happened.

I went to IC and although she said she would she only went 5 times and quit without telling me. The memories of what she did that did not make any sense until after Dday make me feel like even more of a dupe.

This is one of the down days but it still sucks to think that it must be my fault because she just can't be so wrong.

I realize that the OM never had to force himself on her, she was a very willing participant, but I sure wish he would have learned how to just say no.

Then again it would have just been some other guy and eventually would have happened anyway.

How does a BH ever know if his WW is going to ever understand how wrong she was and still is, and how refusing to deal with it only makes it worse.

I too am tired of the battle, living alone begins to sound like a lot of fun...all I have to do is sell our house. It's not a home anymore, its just a house now.

I wonder if I asked the OM if he would like to buy it, I'd throw in the cheap WW...or is that the WW for cheap.

I hate it when that happens.


1Sa 22:23 (NIV) - "Stay with me; don't be afraid; the man who is seeking your life is seeking mine also. You will be safe with me."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: 2nd Place
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, September 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want out. More now than I ever remember. I am so tired of hurting and having to just pass it off as being part of the game.

hurts... you need to continue for your kids. If you really want to fuck up their lives just go ahead and take the easy route out. I know you say they do not care but they are at a stage of their lives where they are not good at showing affection. Trust me -- you are incredibly important to them.

Time to Cowboy up man -- they need you.


-t2g

PS - Oh... you are a man I admire. The world needs more men like you.


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks t2g. I do hear what your sayin. I spend a lot of time reflecting the thoughts sent to me here on SI. I don't think I miss too much of it. I relect alot lately about extracting myself from the current sitch. But I am not sure I have whatever that would take.

Here is just a thought process I have. I know that my W see's that I am hurting. I know that she will not open that conversation, mostly because she can not go there within herself. But I also believe that she has no idea of the intensity of all of this and that much of it is caused by her behavior. It is like so much of this is just no bigs to her.

I feel like there is so much more going on with her at work with the OM and others. And yet I know that because so much is so unresolved within me, it is my own fears driving most of it.

THis is all a topic that can not really be broched with her. I have zero emotional support on that. And I feel like I can not take so many other issues into discussion with her, mainly because so many things intertwine.

And yet, as long as we don't talk about this elephant in the room, or mention the cancer that the A created. Or have any expectrations of an intimate relationship. Hell we get along fine.

I know I would not do anything to myself, I wont do it to the kids. But one of the biggest things I fear is that the pain and hurt of everything will just overwhelm me someday. Last night I got back in from work at about 2am. I was in just so much physical pain I was in tears. It took so long for the meds to kick in. Kick that into the same arena with the emotional hust and it does get overwhelming. I know that someday, something will break. I don't know what or when, but it is coming. I just hope whatever it is it wont bleed all over the family.

I know that inside I feel like my demise would simple be a passing thing and would be deflected as an inconvience more than much else. It is so sad to see ones self as inconsequencial in life.

I am just rambling because it helps a bit to clear the head. I need to get to work again. That helps me to refocus away from some of this.

Thanks guys for the ear.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that inside I feel like my demise would simple be a passing thing and would be deflected as an inconvience more than much else. It is so sad to see ones self as inconsequencial in life.

Please -- do not downplay your importance on the lives of others. Nothing is about to break in you that can not be fixed or even avoided.

From your description, it does not sound like you have much of a M. If MC/IC is out of the question then you need to seriously consider moving on and being alone until you heal... wether via R and or D. Trust me -- being alone is not so bad when the alternative is considered. Please read DCK's post in General about suicide survivors. Aside from your family and friends IRL, such an event would devastate the crap out of your SI friends. It would not be a passing thing by any stretch of the imagination.

THis is all a topic that can not really be broched with her. I have zero emotional support on that. And I feel like I can not take so many other issues into discussion with her, mainly because so many things intertwine.

This has got to change hurts! Talk to her! If she will not talk then you know what to do. Communication is essential in all R's!

Keep posting bro... time will heal.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, September 12th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks,

It is just a tough time within me.My life with W is not all that horrible, but it is missing such an important component or two. I thought I could deal with it, but this is proving not to be the case.

I have re contacted my IC and have been switched to another guy. This was suppose to be for the both of us as he is a family counselor. W doesn't really want to do any IC/MC any more. She says all they will do is tell her how aweful she is or some such thing.

I told him that when he called and he suggests I come in by myself to chat. I am so down right now I took him up on it and go in on Monday.

I am just in on a break right now, I need to get back to work. I am in over my head still and the sharks are circling. I am hoping to wrap this next week, well at least most of it.

Thanks


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys,

We still here?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35324 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I'm still around.
How are things?


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
kxm00
♂ Member
Member # 14075
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome back


D-day: 6/25/06
D-day #2: 8/16/07 Found out for sure she was seeing another OM while we were deciding to divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

Divorced 3/5/08.


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: PA
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the level here! Just came home and my SO totally cleaned out the garage and hung my old shop sign in the garage. I Totally wasn't expecting her to do that, it was supposed to be this weekends project. Is nice coming home from work and that was done for me

Oh speaking of work I started at a new shop last week. My old shop got bought up by corporate, pay got cut in half, and made us work long hours and Saturdays. Without any real health benefits.

So I got a new job, now all I work on is European cars VW/Audi, Porsche, MB, and BMW. Little bit of an adjustment, but Im loving it. The shop is crazy busy booked weeks out. I work from 8-6 every weekday, get paid breaks (something I never had before) and an hour lunch, which usually the boss buys lunch. Great pay, and beni's.

Finally I work at shop that I only dreamed about. This place has been in Business for 35 years and has gained quite the reputation as a great shop for these types of cars.

My XWW is still making bad decisions, she traded in the new Honda Civic she bought last spring after she traded in her new Mustang convert for. Guess she felt she needed a brand new Jaguar more. Dumb, dumb, dumb.. Course custody of my son, and child support has kept getting put off. I offer her more and more time I will take my son. She has control issues and my son is her control over that. I guess shes going in late Oct to New York again, I know damn well why, to see Mr. LongIsland Jack and Jill club where she can be fancy free with free sex. I totally doubt her current BF even has a clue about why shes going to New York. I don't understand why she wants to bring my son along... Like I said one bad decision after another on her part...

So thats where I am...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, September 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tt - I am really glad to hear about the new shop. Sounds like a great setup.

Keep after the custody thing, your son deserves so much better. Keep that log of her actions and one day it will benefit you. Hopefully her new life will override her need to control you and you'll get the little guy back.

Good to hear from you. Been thinking about you.

Later


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MEN))))))))))))))))
I wanted to tell a story, but it choked me and I couldn’t write, so I thought I’d get to the end of it first.
Slowly, over time, some questions were answered, questions I had been years asking, and I wanted to hurry and tell you the answers, you know, not ‘draw it out’, and say it plain as plain.
Maybe, I’m thinking, maybe you won’t hear, or understand, because they may not be the questions you were asking, I don’t know, but it’s what I’ve heard and learned, and maybe this telling of it will help in some small manner. It seems I need to hear in many ways and many times to understand the truth of a thing, and maybe this telling will be the thing that resonates, I don’t know, yet I must tell it anyway, because I think we share a certain nature of wanting to fix things, and make them right….and besides ourselves, which we come to realize we must ‘fix first’, where else does one begin?

First, is choosing. Like choosing to be faithful. At its root, where the cold science of question meets opportunity, it never is not,
a choice.

I learned that faith is too. This is where men, locked and chocked in stocks- sang down walls. Bend over. Grab your ankles. Now sing. These MEN, bent over, made this choice. I’ve learned that choosing to sing – in locks and stocks and otherwise unutterable grief, is in itself a choice – to act in faith.
Praise, while the lion chews your leg, I’ve learned, is an act – of faith. And yes, a choice.

All based on ‘not seeing’, instead faith – in an expected, foretold, and promised end.
Yeah, I hear ya. I’ve pretty much had it with promises too. Many times it’s fingernails, but I figured the ‘big guy’ keeps his.

And maybe, not finally, but recently – so is forgiveness a choice.
It doesn’t mean ‘accepting’, or ‘sweeping it under the rug’.
It doesn’t mean the end of questioning; “how do I know I forgive?”

It is simply, at it’s start, a choice. I would for writing this, that you, me, we choose it.
Platitudes unseemly shape attitudes.
Time doesn’t heal, it just covers up and obscures.
Only one heals.
Dare I say? Dare I eat that peach and hear the mermaids sing, each to each?


Posts: 6003 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jbp111
♂ Member
Member # 21072
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years, and have been separated for 4 months. When we met she was a single mother college drop out/bartender with a 2 year old girl, just out of a relationship with a loser. I was new to the state moving here to live with a friend after graduating college. We began as friends, and she pursued a relationship with me, which I was reluctant. I developed feelings for her, we dated for a couple of years, and got married. Everything was fine, I was a dad to her daughter, supported her financially and emotionally. When I met her, her parents took care of her daughter half of the time too, they are wealthy and my wife was considered a disappointment to her “upstanding” family.
After we were married for a year and a half, she pressured me into buying a house. I was reluctant. I had a good job, but the house was a little out of our range. But I gave in ‘cause she wanted it. Then she kept spending money, buying things, new cars, a couple dogs and got pregnant with our son.

After our son was born, she began to withdraw. I took on a second job to pay for all our stuff and was working 70+ hours a week. She withdraws sex, she stops wearing wedding bands, pulls away from hugs. I tried to keep her happy, helping with housework, kids etc.

We go to marriage counseling. After two sessions she tells me she doesn’t love me anymore, maybe never did. She liked the idea of marrying me, I was acceptable to her family blah, blah, blah… I ask if there is anyone else, she says no.

She sees the therapist by herself for a month or so, comes home one day and tells me she’s leaving, going to her parents house. We need to separate. I don’t like it but fine. She stays at her parents house (they are gone for the month) for a couple days, her parents call me and tell me that they would rather have me there. So I go live with her parents. During the first month, she won’t get to together with me, I leave her alone. Then I discover once I finally go to my house that she has had her boyfriend living in my house while I was living with her parents, “working” on our marriage. She has been seeing him for I don’t know how long, I find her checkbook and the have a checking account together.

Now we filed dissolution papers, mostly working out in my favor financially, I have ½ custody of our son, but she won’t let me see my step daughter. She continues to live with her boyfriend in our house, I have an apartment. Legally I am taken care of as far as the house and custody arrangements etc.

So any input? How does this happen? What is she thinking? Is this relationship with her boyfriend going to work? (He is a pro skydiver, she finds that exciting, she works at the airport with him) I’m alone. I have no family here, and few friends ‘cause I was dedicated to my family. I’m confused…………..



Me: 34 BS
Her: 34 WXW
OM: Married exwife 1 month after divorce.
1 son 4 / shared custody.
D-Day: June 23rd 2008
Divorce Date: January 8, 2009

Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Cincinnati,.Ohio
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jbp,

Welcome to SI, it sounds like your wife is screwed up.

It sucks about seeing your step daughter, have you talked to your lawyer about that?

Thanks,

George


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
jbp111
♂ Member
Member # 21072
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing I can do about that is to fight for visitation after the divorce is final in juvenile court which I intend to do...She had promised to let me spend time with her after the paperwork was signed, but now she says she doesn't like my attitude, she says I am condescending to her??? Granted I have made snide remarks here and there, but she is having sex with another man in my house..


Me: 34 BS
Her: 34 WXW
OM: Married exwife 1 month after divorce.
1 son 4 / shared custody.
D-Day: June 23rd 2008
Divorce Date: January 8, 2009

Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Cincinnati,.Ohio
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jhp, sorry you find yourself here. Some things to remeber, right now she is so lost in the fog of her new relationship she doesn't know how to think anymore. Second is the blameshifting, she feels that she can blame you for her choices, like its part your fault.

Your soon to be XWW is selfish she puts herself first before anything, or anyone. She will change the history of your past relationship to whatever fantasy she feels like. Most of it is to justify her own actions.

Thing is your going to fight her tooth and nail to get what ya want. Remeber your dealling with a selfish person, they want to have control. Yet do the least amount of work.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, October 4th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by hurts at 1:26 PM, October 5th (Sunday)]


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
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