generally those in the metioned pickle.
Interesting article by Sedgwick, but I would disagree with one thing:
"When a wife wants out, it is usually not out of selfishness or senseless cruelty. Sometimes the love simply runs out. Husbands should do what they can to keep that love alive."
I disagree strongly. Staying married is an act of will and keeping the love alive is work.
You can stop trying and stop working to keep the love alive.
You can begin to degrade your spouse, because you are frustrated.
By degrading your spouse and stopping the work, then of course you will feel that the "love" has run out.
What has really run out is the wife's commitment to her marriage and her husband.
She has made a conscious decision to leave the marriage, and of course when that happens it appears like the "love" has run out.
What has run out is the woman, because she has decided that she is not getting what she wants.
Love just doesn't run out.
The will to stay connected and overcome problems has run out on the part of the wife.
The last year I was married to
XWW, none of my needs were being met.
My wife was cold and distant.
I didn't decide that my love was running out also.
I decided I wanted to stay married and to work with my wife.
My wife decided she would be better off running away with another guy.
I don't think "love" ran out.
I believe my XWW made a conscious and selfish decision to dump me, because, despite the positive things I had done for her, she was disappointed in the things she wasn't getting.
That is pure willful selfishness.
She could just as well have decided that our marriage was important.
[This message edited by queequeg at 8:30 PM, December 25th (Tuesday)]
i agree with you on that part.
the main thing about that article i liked was how it described how unfair the courts are to men in divorces.
we should try to start a grass roots campaign for reform of divorce laws, particularly in cases of infidelity. my own personal opinion is when one spouse is unfaithful...it violates the terms of the marriage contract. a standard condition of such a violation should be automatic forfeiture of all the unfaithful spouse's marital rights (i.e. their half of the marital assets).
infidelity should automatically dissolve the marriage contract...and the infidel as the guilty party should be held accountable by giving the betrayed spouse the right to throw them out on their ear's with nothing except for their clothes, if the BS so chooses to.
It is Christmas day and I feel so down. I tik I am such a selfish person because I wanted to at least be recognized at Christmas. I mean it was ok, but why do I feel like I need or deserve more. I have no idea how to react or to tink. this just blows.
I had the same exact experience. It was the worst Christmas I ever had.
My STBXW, didn't even have the courtesy to buy a present for my son to give to me. I didn't get to open a single present Christmas morning. It crushed me. I felt very selfish, but couldn't help it.
She also went away for the week, so it was him and I. Funny, first Christmas after the end of our marriage and she couldn't even be there with her son.
I had to keep going to my bedroom that morning because I was crying uncontrollably and didn't want my son to see. Not that there is something wrong with crying, I just didn't want to distract him from the joy's of Christmas morning.
In the end, I asked my mother to make sure that someone takes him shopping for my birthday, Father's Day, Christmas, etc. I expected the STBXW to provide that courtesy, but like most things with her, I expected too much.
NEVER again!!!! If this turns out the way I expect (D), I will never get married again. I may enjoy the friendship of a woman but that's it. If I really want to get laid I'll take a trip to Nevada.
Yep. I had a vasectomy after my son was born, so no more children for me. If I'm not going to have more children, seems no reason to get married. But, I also know that someone may come along to change that. I won't "take a trip to Nevada." That's not worth the airfare for me.
I've had the same problem with DW, she's not very good with time, so many years I've not gotten something from her in time for Christmas or my birthday. They're the same day every year, I don't get that.
She has gotten better, this year she got me a multitool.
My parents also take our girls out to get something for me, I never said anything, I suspect the 11 year told my parents about those years I got nothing.
But i do recall the years of nothing and one year I got a pair of socks from each child, all from the same $4.00 package. Wow, that was warm and fuzzy.
All I ever hear is how hard i am to shop for, and I say if all else fails, get me a new tape measurer or flashlight, I break or lose or wear out mine all the time. Or how about work gloves, I go through a pair in a few weeks or less. They know my favorite authors, not rocket science here. Besides as I walk through stores with hem I point out stuff all the time.
but alas, the chocolate is getting better.
I turned 52 this year, last week. One would thing you get used to it. But i guess you don't. Thats the selfish part, it is like we think we deserve something.
Maybe I should just go and get what I want and then leave it around with a note to give it to me. lol
Maybe I should just go and get what I want and then leave it around with a note to give it to me.
there's nothing wrong with treating yourself. it's very nice when others do to, but have the self esteem to know you deserve a bit of joy during the holidays, and go get it.
WW i think is going to go to her parent's for new years, and i plan to live it up while she's gone. lining up some aikido classes, the medieval times near my house has a special reduced holiday rate for a dinner show, i think i'm going to go do that...and i'm going to go watch the Orange Bowl with the Va Tech Alumni Club here in Atlanta.
Take care of yourself.
[This message edited by hurts at 8:45 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday)]
The STBX had my son. I found out later that she dropped him off at her brother's house so she could go out. She could have asked me to be with him on a holiday, but I guess that was expecting too much. So he spent the holiday without either parent oh well...
Anyway, I went out with a friend and we had a blast. I met a girl and made out with her for some time.
I didn't like her one bit (she was cute, just really not my type), didn't exchange phone numbers, but it was still cool to experience some sort of intimacy for the first time in many months.
I felt like an awkward teenager.
2008 is already better than 2007.
I am so slipping away. I did fine for a while and now all of a sudden I am once moe being pummelled with the memories of my daughters death. The guilt and sadness is back. I am so low. I am just crying and feel dragged down bad.
I am not looking for anything. I just ned to release something, don't know what. I am also coming to 2nd dday anniv. next week. Why all of this all over again. I am runnign out of room in me to deal ith it. I think about just letting it all go more and more. This sucks.
I do find it helpful to just go rough the threads and post. I am trying to post positive, well that is actually what I am thinking. I like everyone here and I don't feel too much out of place, simply because no one really knows me. Just my pathetic stories.
Anyway, I am so tired of all of this. I see no rest and it is all i would like to have for a few days. My heart just hurts and I want to feel nothing. I almost look for that flat plain again.
Why ca't I just shut this crap out of me and move on. It souds so simple and yet Ican not do it. Am I hat bad of a person.
Again, I am looking for anything here, I just wanted to talk.
I like everyone here and I don't feel too much out of place, simply because no one really knows me. Just my pathetic stories.
I get to use the word "hogwash"! hurts - you are as much a icon/fixture on SI as any member here. I love to read your pathetic stories. Get real bro... you are human like the rest of us living life. Nobody ever said it is easy.
Breathe hurts... breathe deeply.
6 months no text no call no nothing! ahh i forgot she text me last christmas saying "how are you doing?" simple as that.. cold as that..
right now im beginning to love the life i had without her... and STBXNPDWW. whatever you want to call it...
thanks for this site and your posts here.. it help me a lot to find my own happiness.
Hang in there and stay with us. I know that there are some really great guys here that have shifted their lives back to single and are lovin it.
I was in the Phillipines years ago. I loved it there and love the folks I met there.
You take it slow man and keep with us.
Have you been to a lawyer to legally get full custody?