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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow. this shit has reduced me to jibbering idiot status right quick!

Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

are there any betrayed men that have survived into R after a LTA?? or is that scar simply too deep?


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

are there any betrayed men that have survived into R after a LTA?? or is that scar simply too deep?

The problem that remains after the A is over, is why it happened in the first place. The actions of the person doing the A have to be fully realized, why the A happened, how it came about, and full ownership of the actions. With out all this set in place, your placed in a limbo that will last as long as it can. I was one that wanted to repair my M so badly after the first DDay the real reason was never fully addressed. Even after years of work it ended after the second DDay.

Remeber this song by Reba MacEntire...

Is there life out there
So much she hasnt done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
Shes done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesnt want to leave
Shes just wonderin
Is there life out there

What this really is, is the beginning stages of looking for something that they feel is missing. To explore to see if there is a part of life they are missing. It starts out simple enough, lets just see whats out there. Pretty soon it turns into a explore on the Internet, or work, or friendship. Through this justifictation of the explore process lines get blurred...

All A's start out as fantasy, if its secret, no one knows who can it hurt? These feelings of fantasy, mixed with the feeling of being paid attention too, and the endorphine rush of meeting someone that you have placed this on is far to intreging to pass up. So more time and energy is devoted to that fantasy relationship...

Part of the justifying stage is to look why they are doing what they are getting into. Why their current relationship with their commited other has lead them in the way they are now. Small problems, become big ones, anything to justify the actions they have undertaken to justify the fantasy relationship. Anything can be pulled up to justify it, and make it ok in their minds...

The bottom line is people that have A's isn't because of the people they are betraying, its about a broken part of themselves they feel they need to justify, be it attention, sex, or just longing for the endorphine flow of a new prospect. Its a selfish behavior, its not thinking about others, only themselves.

How long to ya want to be associated, or Married to a person that can so easily justify it, by blaming others?


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long to ya want to be associated, or Married to a person that can so easily justify it, by blaming others?

that's it in a nutshell isnt it??? and no matter the psycho-babble wrapped around that as supporting explanation.... the selfishness is a major part of their true character and I want to reward in any way a person that thought so little of me for so long...she says that the PA went on for so long because they never got caught, that it was reinforced ...

isnt taking her back the ultimate reinforcement....????


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
socold
♂ Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twicetorn - That is a great summary, really wraps it up well.

My little ol opinion is that the level of remorse of the WS is a huge factor of it. When she says:

that the PA went on for so long because they never got caught, that it was reinforced ...

it seems to me there is a bit of justification in there. That is was someone else's fault that it continued. They were two adults that were acting like children, and if anything like how mine went down a huge EA developed. And they didn't want to stop, and I don't know any more than your profile I read but I hope you are working to verify its stopped and she's being transparent. Because that line of thinking (the justification I quoted) can still maybe be a valid excuse to continue it, in that line of broken thinking.

But I think that the crux of the issue of R, is that the WS has to really hunger for the repair of the part of them that allowed them to betray. And they have to want to help the BS recover from the damage that the WS with the same intensity. And then the BS has to want the R. Which go back and forth.

All this from an outsider view, since I never got a shot at R, but back when it was limbo this is how I saw it and still think about it.

And jjct, I like your jibbering idiot self, so don't be hard on yourself. You have some great posts. Its a shame your donation post didn't take off in General, I would have backed you, but I lost my wallet last weekend, and waiting for new cards n such.


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

acres,

My FWW had a two year LTA with my best friend.

I would not advise anyone to attempt to R after an LTA, even though I'm stuck int he middle of trying to do it.

The problem with an LTA is that the shock of "having an affair" has long ago worn off and the double-life deception has become "normal" for the WS. I'm not convinced that the thinking patterns of WS's who have had LTA's ever really change. They don't have any moral impetus to change -- they got too comfortable managing the dichotomy between the two lives, and eventually classify the affair somewhere on the continuum that they do old boyfriends (i.e., it wasn't a horrible, shameful, destructive thing, just another past relationship that ended).

You don't want to live with those demons for the rest of your life.

If you have kids, that obviously complicates any decision you might make. If you don't have kids, I strongly advise you to cut your losses and move on.

I hear this rumor that there really *are* non-crazy, emotionally stable, faithful and worthwhile women still out there.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sc)))))))))))
the littlest things!
like you seeing saying that.
somehow, hell, i don't know what's going to happen!

in the short run.

i hear that
the crux of the issue of R, is that the WS has to really hunger for the repair of the part of them that allowed them to betray. And they have to want to help the BS recover from the damage that the WS [caused by their actions - by choice!] with the same intensity. And then the BS has to want the R.

socold))))))
your words unfurled me from some sorrowing ball i was entangled in and held. a captive to a deep deep inarticulate whatthehellness.
i heard also that Mat 12:36 But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
and will tell all here that i stand.
i stand!

those little things.
the small acknowledgment you gave me just now is exactly why i testify this and yours and all that see and read and feel in heartstrings. i will say
i love you
when word's roll is called,
for that.
standing, maybe kneeling,
i will say it.

to everyone that hears!
let the silent whispering listening prayer-bearing angels hear!
Have ANOTHER HUNDRED BONES!
HERE!
HEAR!!!!! MEN!!!!!!!

let them count us all on holy tablets in the end.

in the long run.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she says that the PA went on for so long because they never got caught, that it was reinforced ...

She is simply denying the real reason she did it, offering up little meanless drivel of she didn't get caught so it made it alright. Longterm A's, and you still don't know how long, because she simply cake eating right now giving little snipits of truth to satisify you.

The ONLY way to have a good M after such a blow like this is a 100% honesty, everything laid out on the table. 100% ownership of the WS of her actions. A proper apology, and rectifying actions taken to find the reason it happened in the first place. All of this is going to take intense MC, and IC to get to the root problem and address it.

Until this happens, your not in a M, the WS has broken all the wedding vows that made you a married couple. No amount of justifing or blame shifting changes the actions they are in 100% ownership of.

Some key points:

You can never change another person, they have to change themselves.

Right now your living with the shell of the person you married, with lots of bad attrabutes coming to the surface. She honestly thinks, she won't be held accountable for her actions, and you will continue to remain with her holding all control since your sticking by.

You got to think about you! Take back control of your life. Your 57 (which really isn't that old for a new begining.) No kids tied up in this mess. Get back to the real you, find yourself..

Don't be afraid of throwing it all away. Staying in the limbo of a broken M will seriously decrease your lifespan, and your quality of life. How much longer do you hold in their spiral?

My person opinon is lawyer up, and get the process moving, take back control. I know it sucks to throw 34 years of M down the drain, but she already threw you under the bus a long time ago. Along with your marriage.

For all ya posting on here:

There is life after all this, after divorce. Take control, even living alone the rest of your life is better than being played by someone we put our trust into. Life works out, and you may even fall in love again and rebuild life.

Trust me, I got a story thats novel worthy of all I have been through. Life is looking damn good right now..


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear this rumor that there really *are* non-crazy, emotionally stable, faithful and worthwhile women still out there.

Big TIME! Many who have fell victom to exactly the same infidelity we all faced. Were golden as far dating prospects, we can give totally honesty of why we are divorced. Been almost 15 months with my SO, and Im still in total bliss, and happy! I have rebuilt life, and in SO much a better place in it since I took control.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Socold.. yes there is a lot of justification in what she says.. it was up to some external agent to stop them.. thats a strong conscience, isnt it?

and yes it may take an equally strong external agent.. divorce court// to snap her out of it..

I am sure that this affair is over.. but the lack of remorse til getting caught that frosts my cookies..

twicetorn...and while 57 is not ancient.. dont know if I have the energy really start fresh.. (hell, I am way outta practice in picking up chicks LOL)

thanks for the lawyer advice,, I may take you up on that


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
crush3d
♂ Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to add my name to the list... recently found this thread and have been reading, catching up. I've been mostly on General and Reconciliation, so some of you may have seen my story (see profile).

This has been a great thread to put things in perspective a bit for me. Thanks to all who have already shared their stories and advice.


BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome here crush3d!

This crap sucks huh?

Dudes -- check in please!


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in.

Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here!


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8446 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
dontdream
♂ Member
Member # 14303
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

here!


--
BH: almost 36 (me)
ExW: 35
DD: 15y
D-Day 2/10/2007
LTA: 15 months with former boss

Divorced on 9/2/08
Happy with myself - accepting of being single.
working on finding a new beginning.


Posts: 406 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Seattle
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto!


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only here every now and again, but still here. Hoping to find more time when this job finishes.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
adamj
♂ Member
Member # 20425
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cheers to one and all...

Life sucks.


BH: 32, WW: 32
DDay #1: 7/9/08, DDay #2: 8/2/08 - trickle truth, now divorced. (7/14/2010)
DS - 9, DD - 5

Last 3 years of my life have been spent avoiding sleep or having to deal with the demons when it is quiet.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Iowa
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

adamj...

life doesnt suck.. just this big big part of it LOL


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
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