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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
popolop
♂ Member
Member # 19068
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone just for being here. This shit just plain sucks and its nice to see so many folks out there that are willing to prop up total strangers in their time of need. So...with the sappy crap out of the way, I am wondering how long I'm going to have these life-consuming obsessive thoughts about WW and our "M"/D? My mind is running on all cylinders pumping out heaps of garbage at all hours. When does it end? I'm sure its a YMMV situation, so estimates are ok. I know that the pain will never go away it will just become less frequent. Its just the chatterbox that needs a sock in it.


Me: 28
NPDSTBXWW: 28
D-Day: 4/1/08 (April Fool's! hahaha...*cough*)
WW asked for divorce: 4/11/08

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2008
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel this part of the thread so much. My WW is unremorseful and the children keep me here. It is like we never heal. Yes maybe we do not cry all the time etc but the pain is just their ALWAYS. I love my kids so much but this pain is intense. I sometimes question if I am setting a good example? Thanks WW for the curse you have given me.

I feel awful for all of us.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popolop

Its still so raw to you, it takes time for this to go away. Do you stay or do ya go now? Thats the question sitting on the doorstep, make your decision. The longer your in the situation that causes ya hurt the longer it remains.

Lostcause111

I so feel this one, with children it really makes ya want to live your life for them. But which way do ya feel like it is best for the children? What way could you be a better parent?

This is really hard, because when it comes to custody of the kids, the courts favor the Mom. It plain old sucks they get chose to be the custodial parent. If ya do end up spliting don't ask for anything less than joint custody.

I got that added onto after I decided D. Turned out my XW was pregnant with my son. Yep one day before DDay#2 she got pregnant. DNA proof positive mine, pretty much had to force my XW to get that done. Born on 11/27/07.

He looks like just like my to a T
Im working on being the best dad I can!

[This message edited by TwiceTorn at 10:23 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
popolop
♂ Member
Member # 19068
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you stay or do ya go now? Thats the question sitting on the doorstep, make your decision.

Oh, I'm going. No doubt. I just need to wade through the irrational swamp that I find myself in at times and focus on the goal: getting her out of my life.


Me: 28
NPDSTBXWW: 28
D-Day: 4/1/08 (April Fool's! hahaha...*cough*)
WW asked for divorce: 4/11/08

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2008
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well then begin on working on the steps, has she filed? Have you? Get that ball rolling on that. You gunna have some work healing yourself, I did turn to IC just to work it all out. I found a very good IC, it helps alot to work through it. It a tough journey no doubt about, thank god you don't have kids with her, or a house... I was your age when I first found of her actions. I wish I would have left back then, who knows where I would have been. I chose to stay at that point, I still regret it, because after all the scars healed they got reopened again at a later date. Even though I got a son outta the deal, I wish it was under different circumstances. This time I ended up giving up on a business I wanted. I spent 3 1/2 years building it and had to give it up because she wanted half. I had to restart life, with all the pitfalls that entails. Finding a job, a place to live, new goals.. Sucks but it had to be done...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
popolop
♂ Member
Member # 19068
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you. Think of me as your SI legacy, knowing that you speaking of your past experience has helped another. Cute kid, BTW.

I'm actually in a pretty good place when it comes to the timing of all this. I've got a job at a good firm that will pay me more money than I will know what to do with (or have time to spend, probably). My one goal is to have an apartment/condo with an ocean view. I'llhave that in a year. God, I'm excited. Hey, I'm actually excited about something! Halle-fucking-lujah (apologies to the religious folk)


Me: 28
NPDSTBXWW: 28
D-Day: 4/1/08 (April Fool's! hahaha...*cough*)
WW asked for divorce: 4/11/08

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2008
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You never have more money than you know what to do with. Save it the best ya can, live as simple as possible. Get that savings, and retirement fund up as much as possible. If your firm your hired at does matched 401k's use that to the max. Im still a person who loves to own my own house, rent sucks. With the market the way it is now, good deals on getting an in on realestate is good bet. Get a reliable car you can drive into the ground. Something with good gas mileage, think Toyota... Keep credit cards paid off, its best not to owe anyone money. Do ya have any hobbys? I do tend to spend some money getting the tools I need to do those, and haven't regreted spending a cent on those...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
popolop
♂ Member
Member # 19068
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't mean to make you think that I am a free spender. Far from it. I have never carried a credit balance and I'm one of the cheapest bastards you could ever meet, a character trait I inherited from pops along with other traits that I would rather not have. The reason I mention apartment is that I am going to have little to no cash after the D goes through so I will have zero for a down payment. My credit will also suffer after the D so I would also get a crappy loan rate. I hear you on the retirement funds. I had already started a healthy one for the "M" but that will all be going her way. Cars, I definitely run into the ground. I don't like cars much and can't imagine spending a significant chunk on one. They're just A to B things. Now hobbies, that could be a money drain. I am a big wine collector and haven't been able to add to my collection in two years. I also have a penchant for collecting rare jeans (I can explain that if you want, but its pretty geeky) which can get quite expensive.

Forgot baseball. I would love to have season tickets, and a few of those nasty '80s throwback jerseys from the White Sox (Carlton Fisk), Astros (Nolan Ryan), and Padres (Ozzie). I love those.

[This message edited by popolop at 12:37 AM, April 25th (Friday)]


Me: 28
NPDSTBXWW: 28
D-Day: 4/1/08 (April Fool's! hahaha...*cough*)
WW asked for divorce: 4/11/08

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2008
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason I mention apartment is that I am going to have little to no cash after the D goes through so I will have zero for a down payment. My credit will also suffer after the D so I would also get a crappy loan rate

Get a good credit rating, do what ever possible to have this D will not automatically at all effect this unless you have debt from the D, or pre D. Save up and pay for it cash as much as you can. Trust me, way before I was married, had a great job, lots of money, new spendy ass vehicle, and was buying and selling house flips I did. I built up a nice little nest egg before I met my wife. House flips are all about one thing selling it over what ya spent. My biggest was buying a lot for dirt cheap, outta town, kinda rural, but potental. I found a house that was built in the early 1900's going for cheap I would have to move it. I put it on the lot, paying the transportation cost, and the foundation building cost on the lot. I rented it out to a few friends for a while before an offer went on the table. I sold it an bought atgood chunk of the house I lived in when the XW first met me. She gained a large intrest being married to me on that one, I ended up just giving it to her minus my original contributions. Same with the cabin house. I don't even want to think about how much money it cost me. But I kept my great credit rating, and the ablity to make/save money again. And yes hobbies I still spend money on. I love photography, and most that part, I have been payed for through selling photography pictures for events. Not something I can make a living at, but it pays for the tools...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
popolop
♂ Member
Member # 19068
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's awesome. I always wished I could be handy like that. The only time I came even close was when my dad and I built a basic wooden bench when I was 8. Well, I swung the hammer and hit my thumb, then watched him do the rest. That's about as handy as I get. Photography, though, I think I could get into that. Don't have a camera right now, but that could be easily taken care of.

Wine is a good investment vehicle for me. I know a lot about it and know how to liquidate it legally (in more ways than one ).


Me: 28
NPDSTBXWW: 28
D-Day: 4/1/08 (April Fool's! hahaha...*cough*)
WW asked for divorce: 4/11/08

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2008
lonelynlost
♂ Member
Member # 18616
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, over the last couple of nights I've read most of this post. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

I'm in the same boat. WW and I split the beginning of March 2008. I had had enough of her BS and lying. After DDay 10.2007, she tried to cut it off with OM but couldn't. She kept going back especially because they work together NC never was maintained. She was totally unremorseful.

She wanted her autonomy to F OM and I was standing in her way like a controlling father, her words. Anyway, I couldn't take her shit anymore so I found a nice townhouse I bought and left her. She's with OM just about everyday now. No remorse, doesn't seem to show any feelings of wrong doing especially now that I'm out of the picture. She figures everything is fine for her to see OM. Anyway, two boys, 18 & 20 at home, left to their own devises. There her kids, my step kids. They are really pissed at their mother and OM. Call him a home wrecker. They don't like him and they show it all the time when he comes around.

WW is so in the fog it isn't even funny. I can't take it anymore so I saw a lawyer this past Monday. Need WW to agree to asset split and settlement then D. Will probably be done in 1-2 months.

I'm moving on, can't continue to live in limbo while she screws OM and has all the fun she can handle.

That's all for now.

Thanks again for sharing.

LonelynLost


Me-BS 56 XWW-53

DD-10/25/2007
Separated 3/8/2008
D Final 8/31/2009


Posts: 517 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: South Jersey
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
What?  Posted: 7:19 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW said I was acting like her father controlling her. She acts like she a high schooler. She is 45. Is this a midlife crisis?


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Tim3167
♂ Member
Member # 17195
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've just found out that the OM is finally leaving the department next week that they both still work at. That's a big relief for me and I hope it will help us heal.

My FWW is very remorseful and has been willing to do whatever she can to help me heal.

My question is kind of hard to describe but now if I feel a little jealous of maybe a short skirt she is wearing or a top that may show too much cleavage I feel kind of dumb. It's like why should I worry now that another man has already seen and done it all with her. It's like there's nothing left that is only for my eyes or touch. I know it's kind of stupid, but I felt that was a certain part of my wife that was sacred and now I have trouble knowing how it will ever feel the same.


BH 42 (me)
WW (39) (posts as "Meeko")
DDay #1 11/18/2007
DDay #2 4/2/2008

Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2007
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly what you mean Tim.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if I feel a little jealous of maybe a short skirt she is wearing or a top that may show too much cleavage I feel kind of dumb. It's like why should I worry now that another man has already seen and done it all with her. It's like there's nothing left that is only for my eyes or touch. I know it's kind of stupid, but I felt that was a certain part of my wife that was sacred and now I have trouble knowing how it will ever feel the same.

Was she a virgin when you met her? If not, look at it the same way. It is in the past so it does not matter. This is your only option if the matter is an obstacle in your relationship. If you D your FWW and seek a new thatgirl you can rest assured she will have been seen or touched by another man... just as you will have been seen or touched by another woman. Life.

Don't worry about the past.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Tim3167
♂ Member
Member # 17195
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate the response and understand that what you say makes sense if I'm going to move on but my only issue is that if I start a new relationship that woman will not have shared those things with another man WHILE in an exclusive relationship with me.

The other wrinkle is that we met young and in my eyes while she had sex with a boy or two before she has not shared that as an adult....as a woman. Also she never received or gave oral to anyone but me before this affair.

I plan on asking my MC for some suggestions on how to get past this hang up. I want it to feel a little sacred again.


BH 42 (me)
WW (39) (posts as "Meeko")
DDay #1 11/18/2007
DDay #2 4/2/2008

Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2007
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want it to feel a little sacred again.

If she has recommitted to only you then your love for one another is indeed sacred again. If only available to you she is a being/soul you can hold in high esteem.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
caretoomuch
♂ Member
Member # 12625
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lads,hang in there. If there is a chance . The idea is to feel a bond having walked thru hell together. BUT,BUT they must show total remourse. If they do it again after disclosure ....walk away. This is what I have learned.
One of the greatest pieces of help from this site was that NO ONE does anything TO YOU> They do it for themselves. You had nothing to do with their choice.
As to the rose coloured glasses having been torn off and the need to accept sexual behaviour esp TIM .If yoour wife had died and you had met a widow,fallen in love, would the knowledge of her previous sexual behaviour stopped you loving her,after all she would need to come to terms with yours. The declaration of truth,honesty,trust and exclusivity is the cornerstone. It will take ages to restore. But what you go through now ,providing those declarations are kept will bond you closer that any couple who has not been through this.
Make sure her behaviour does not define you in any way. Her choice to go with another male was all about her feeling crappy and needing to feel good. It could have been food,booze ,drugs or gambling. They didnt have the self esteem to be honest,or to indeed feel worthy enough to be happy healthily.
It was a pathetic choice.
Some people need the fast rush of dopamine thru their brain to be happy. some people are self examing enough to be content with good old serotonin wafting through their cortex.(The later is not the chemical of a rush). I hope this makes sense.

[This message edited by caretoomuch at 6:27 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


2006..Me 48
WW 47 OCD/ Sex Abuse by brother
Married 21 years,together 27
Teenagers
PA when engaged and now 3 1/2 yr PA with best friend
Dday 10 Nov 2006
Dont feel too bad ,people destroy the ones they love all the time.Its n

Posts: 640 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: floating, 2012..going
GotToHaveHope
♂ Member
Member # 19188
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone, this is my first post in this thread although I've been burning up the JFO forum for the last couple weeks.

I feel like I'm approaching the end of my patience with my WW. We have been married for 10+ years and she has been having a LT EA/PA for nearly half of that time. She will not go NC with the OM. She left the morning after DDay and is staying with a friend to "clear her head" and decide if she wants to remain married.

While I loved her dearly, I can now see how emotionally abusive she has been to me over the years, although to hear her story, you would think I was a pretty terrible husband.

I am doing the 180 for myself and have told WW that as long as she continues her affair, even is she claims its now only an EA, that I have no interest in talking to her about anything other than financial emergencies. Her fog is deep and thick and I have no intention to further enable her to cake eat and remain on the fence.

I've met once already with a D attorney and plan to give her the go ahead on Monday to start the process of filing for dissolution.

[This message edited by GotToHaveHope at 8:36 AM, May 4th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 4/17/08
Status: Divorced

Posts: 185 | Registered: Apr 2008
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the thread, GotTo HaveHope, it's good to see you take back your power.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
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