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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

racetrak wrecking values...good one hurts.
For the most part, I do ok with the trick, as you call it. It helps that i like what i do, as I'm involved with helping other people.
I think because i have to stay focused to perform, it has been a great blessing to me -
somehow, i've kept on keeping on,
but i think what happens is that SI has become the pressure-release valve that I need to poke-
game face during the day - hair down here.
I'm thankful for you, for SI. I know I'd be a jibbering idiot without it...
as it is, it's STILL debatable!

SoulSearcher, it's interesting that has the calm-down effect on you. When I read that shortly after DDay - I had to make some calls to friends to explain to me why it wasn't permission to just....well, "go off" on the guy. IOW, it had the opposite effect on me.

I think it has something to do with (I think i read this somewhere here on the threads)- 'being religious' is something intellectual,
whereas 'being spiritual' is something in the heart.
It resonated with me. And I'm thinking that because it (Prov. 6) has that effect on you - (& not me, notice)-
that you're probably more spiritually inclined - in your heart,
than you give yourself credit for.
I admire you for that.


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
HaiHaus
♂ Member
Member # 18118
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a shitty question.

Do you know anybody IRL where the W had the A and the M survived?

Every M I know of, where the W had the A has ended.

I know of several M where the M had the A and they are surviving or the W doesn't know.

I know of none, where the W did that didn't end in D. It makes me sad and lonely.


"How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degrees" Will S.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Houston
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a shittier question.
What's IRL?

I bet on the Wayward board, there's some M's surviving where the W had the A. In fact, is that not the case with "The Founders"?
(sounds so...fantasy/scifi, doesn't it?)

There's hope, I do believe it.


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HH,
The best example I can think of is our very own Deeplyscared and MangledHeart. Basic_Guy and his wife are 8 years out. There are many others, but those are two that I find inspirational.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35369 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hai,

I don't know anyone in IRL who had a M where the wife cheated. I probably know them, but it's never been disclosed to me.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
kxm00
♂ Member
Member # 14075
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. Been out of town for a week on business.

On a totally unrelated note, has anyone been down with all the news about Spitzer? For some reason, it triggered a bit of depression in me. I couldn't turn on the TV without hearing about infidelity in America or "should his wife stay," etc.

It made me feel sad for our country. And I really hate it when you hear some pundit or other person say they don't care that he cheated (ala Clinton) it's his personal business.

Clearly, those people have never been on the other side of it all.


D-day: 6/25/06
D-day #2: 8/16/07 Found out for sure she was seeing another OM while we were deciding to divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

Divorced 3/5/08.


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: PA
fallenfromgrace
♂ Member
Member # 11123
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LR, that is what I am working on, and working towards. There is no reason that I should not get 50-50%.
On a side note, found out from my IC, that when she visited him, she told him she was planning on leaving. So it was a big plan and set up from the get go. She lived in this deceit for over 2 months...her friends, family...makes me sick...
I cannot fault my IC for not telling me. She told him that if he told me, she would never come back to IC or MC. After what happened last Friday, I think it was just another one of her smoke screens...she never intended on coming back to IC or even MC...


Me: BS 38
WW: 34
2 Kids: D7, S5
D-day 6\6\06
NC 6\18\06
2nd D-day 2\6\07
2nd NC 2\10\07
WW took the kids and moved on 3\14

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: WI
HaiHaus
♂ Member
Member # 18118
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wifehad5,

I agree that I find the founders and the couples in reconciliation here completely inspirational, yourself included.

However, IRL, I don't know anybody. That is what I am asking.

Oh, IRL is "In Real Life".
HH


"How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degrees" Will S.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Houston
sadhusband
♂ New Member
Member # 18516
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a Bs with a WW. I am 6 weeks out from D-day. I have been trying and am hopeful of a R. She had NC with OM and pledged her remorse and willingness to do whatever it takes. We are in IC and will go to MC soon, I hope.
Anyway, we are here with you my brother. I have had a hard time finding other BH's also and this site does a lot of male bashing, last thing I need right now. Anyway, lets all communicatre. Any BH's please send me a message and maybe we can set up a good BH thread!
sadhusband

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Michigan
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not trying be too general but I think many times men who cheat can say just sex and and any EA attachment they had was just a means to an end.

For women it is the key thing and even with their desire for sex with OM the EA makes the attachment so much stronger. To justify the A they demonize us despite any good traits we have. They end up with a much deeper fog.

I read an article that men who want to save the M try much harder than women and I tend to believe it. I think we are in the subset that wants to save our M and our kids at all costs. The other men instantly decide to give up and do not try at all.

That makes it so much harder for us as I think many of us fall into a form of doormat category. In reality it is we think of the big picture. We all have a lot of life to live and it will never be the same and untainted but can become something better in so many ways. SO much at stake. Years of life, our children etc. I think we are fighters tooth and nail. We are very strong despite the immense pain and the mind images that us men tend to get.


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HaiHaus, it doesn't give me much hope for R. I know one buddy who has stayed w/his cheating wife, I'm gonna ask his secret when I can.

[This message edited by 64fleet at 1:02 PM, March 21st (Friday)]


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the thread, sad. I agree that the perception can be there that all men cheat and betrayed spouses are women. After a while you can recognize threads with that theme and I avoid them.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hefty,

Each WW has their own reason for an affair.

In some cases, I'm lucky. My WW didn't fall in love in OM, though she did consider him a friend. She did like the attention, and found the sexually charged attention very flattering for a 40 year old mom. She paid in sex to keep that attention coming.

I think that's relatively common among women who have been sexually abused, there's enough BH and WW's posting there that say similar things.

She didn't want to leave me and didn't fall out of love.

On the bad side, SAb does a number on people, I think it's the root of her depression, and she's been a mess for the last three years.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HH,
I know couple IRL with a WW. Several year ago she had an online EA, and was ready to move to AZ to be with this guy. They worked on it and are still together. If he hadn't told me after I found out about my wife's A's, you never would have guessed. I think that in general, men don't talk about being betrayed much because of all that it implies. I've told three people outside of our MC. One out of the three had been affected by an A. Who knows haw many others of our friends and family have a story?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35369 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi sad husband,
Welcome to the thread. The main thing I try to remember when there is a vent thread against men is that it's not against me. Or you for that matter. There are a lot of Men out there who stand up and do the right thing. That's what I try to be.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35369 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
sadhusband
♂ New Member
Member # 18516
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is good to have some guys to bounce shit off of. My WW is trying but I had D-day 6 weeks ago and multiple other d-days as info came out after I wanted to know the whole truth. I made up a fake e-mail and e-mailed the OM as my wife. He answered, thinking it was my WW and I got more details. It hurt to read but hurt more to find out from him and not my WW. We are trying, we have had sex but I had a bad visual last time and haven't tried for 3 days. I am also going through a custody hearing regarding my only son, from my 1st marriage, and each one by it self is near impossible but now the custoday and the A!!! Man I am ready to split at the seams. We moved 2 yrs ago to be near my son as he was having problems. My WW willingly moved 250 miles to support me and my son and for that I will always be grateful.
Well I will keep tredging through the crap and do all that I can do right now and that is trust in God as he will never betray me.

sadhusband

"you cannot control other peoples actions, only our reactions" - me.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Michigan
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, welcome. Yeah, I do know a few guys who had their W cheat on them. It was real rocky for them for a while, but eventually they survived (sofar). I do believe that many guys will not say anything. You know the testostrone factor. I know that I haven't told anyone except my church leaders. That happened within a week of Dday. None since.

I too am in the throes of dealing with SAb and infidelity. But I can say this, the more I read and the more experience, I am convinced that this SAb is such a wicked catalyst in someones life. It reaches into almost every aspect and it has such a control. And, as with my W, they get so afraid of confronting it. Just too much pain and anger issues.


You know as to the threads, as said, you will get to reconize which ones to avoid. Later on you can venture in and see. I will post in some, but generally if is an open question. If it is a vent, then I allow it to remain so. You would be surprised at how the ladies will defend the good men that are here. They jump general statements. It is what makes things safe here.

For you new guys, just be careful of trigger threads.

Good to see the thread active again.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In IRL, yes I have seen M survive for some time. One of my good friends still M. But its not really what I would call a functional M, more like they are just there for the kids. His W was also a victom of SAb. They don't really talk to each other much, and I would not deem it healthy at all.

Like my name says Im Twice torn, First time was 2 years into a 10 year M. I was devistated, and wanted to so despretly to save my M. My XW past SAb was never revealed at the time. She pretty blamed our M on the A, saying things like I wasn't doing enough, giving enough attention to her, etc...

The bottom line is, they need to address the SAb, because thats the reason behind the A's. They have a stunted reality of what intimacy is. Sex is a way to get attention, in their screwed up minds, it acceptable if they don't get caught.

Unless those demons have been tamed and addressed fully, its gunna happen again. Like a moth to a flame, when the situation presents itself. The thing to remeber is the A's aren't about us, or the M. Its simply something they feel will fill a void that they feel is missing. My XW knew full well how this effected our M the first time, and the hurt it caused. For her it was just about hiding it better, and to better prepair herself fincially if found out by stashing cash.

She knew what she was doing, this time she covered her tracks. Had people that she knew would cover for her, she felt that she would continue on having A's waiting till her father pasted. Because she knew it would be a large sum of money, something to run with. Her actually admitting she has a problem is still something that will never happen, she can blame everyone else before herself. She was planning on just leaving me, with whatever she could steal, and grab. So when that time came it would just be left with nothing and lots of bills and wondering WTF. It was me that was standing in front of the rest of her life and happiness of having multiple boyfriends vying for her attention.

Thing is guys, if your W is SAb and had an A, the root problem needs to be addressed. They need to actually work through their past, really understanding how to be healthy... Unless they do this ANY R isn't going to work. No amount of love is gunna save someone that doesn't know what love is...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
hurt_in_SC
♂ New Member
Member # 18772
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all, I'm new here and wanted to share my story. I thought maybe I could get some insite. We had been together for 5 1/2 years, 2 1/2 those years we were married, when everything started.

We met in Junior College and everything clicked. We decided that I would hold off on finishing my education until after she was completed. I went out and got a full time job to support us during this time. The plan was after she graduated, that we would switch so we both had our education. Also during this time, we purchased a home in a nice neighborhood (not rich but not ghetto). We were both 21 when we got married and bought the house.

She was closing in on graduation which was in December '07. She left me via the "Dear John" letter method in October while I was out of town with my dad at a NASCAR race. We were not fighting and it completely blindsided me. I thought everything was good and that we were doing well for our age but I guess I was wrong. I told her that we could save our marriage and that I would do whatever it took but she wanted it to end. She was pushing for a divorce very fast...faster than I thought was normal but I was still holding out hope that we could reconcile.

Right before Christmas, I found out why she was pushing for the divorce so quickly. She was having a continuous affair with another man and was pregnant. She did not know if it was his or mine. She was pushing for a quick resolve to try and get a better divorce settlement. My entire world came crashing down...

A few days later we found out the child was his. Doctor's pinpointed the rate of development with a November conception date. I had not had relations with her since the beginning of October and it was protected because we wanted to wait on kids until after we were both finished with college.

Now she won't talk to me and is shacked with him living in an extremely poor neighborhood and they are barely squeeking by financially. He's a minimum wage lot boy at Home Depot! She's saying to her friends that she loves him and that they are going to be together forever. I thought well maybe he's better looking...everyone I have talked to said he's not, I guess he's about 100 lbs. overweight.

How do I move on? All avenues of any hope of reconciliation were pretty much shut down once she got pregnant. Even if she wanted to reconcile now, I don't know if I could handle waking up to the product of that infidelity everyday. I don't know if I could give that child the love it needs.

I'm a Christian and don't know how not become an angry and bitter person over this situation. Has anybody ever had to deal with this kind infidelity before?


Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: South Carolina
kxm00
♂ Member
Member # 14075
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have all had to deal with it in our own way. Sorry you are here with us.

I'm a fellow Christian and the whole divorce thing was hard for me to handle on many levels, not the least of which was spiritual. It doesn't help a whole lot, but the Bible does grant one reason for divorce - adultery.

You are a young man, and have a lot to live for at this point. I would imagine the division of assets would be quick and easy and you don't have any children. You will do well to move on at this point.

The hurt... well that is something only you can deal with on your own. Talk about it often to friends and family and here. It helps.

As to my religion, I haven't been to church at all since this all happened to me last summer, but I'm going to start going again next week. The bitterness toward God subsides eventually.


D-day: 6/25/06
D-day #2: 8/16/07 Found out for sure she was seeing another OM while we were deciding to divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

Divorced 3/5/08.


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: PA
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