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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have only told my best friend and close family members. I guess I still feel at fault or ashamed. I am not sure why I still feel that way after I read so much here.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts,
I've told three male friends. One is a current worker and shared with me that his wife had an online A a couple years ago and almost left him. The other two have offered great support. It has brought us closer, as we use eac other as sounding boards.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35366 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
BobInBillings
♂ Member
Member # 18251
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have only told one person...the priest that I confided in.


As that crappy song from the 90's goes...

"I'm dying inside, and nobody knows it but me."


The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Posts: 148 | Registered: Feb 2008
CompGeek
♂ Member
Member # 17923
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So here's a question. How many guys have told their good friends (male). If so do you regret it? And has it helped.

Like lonerider, I am alone out here and it sure is a lonely place.

Heh ... I think I told just about anyone that would listen that knew the both of us.

Now ... that being said, I was pretty pissed off at the time.

Honestly ... the ones that understood when I took her back ... they're still friends. And that was pretty much everyone with a couple exceptions that weren't that important.

Now ... it's a little different. I moved across the country as part of my 180, so all my friends here are new.

She moved out here and we are in R (8 months in), so when I wanted to tell someone who I've become really good friends with and whom she is as well ... we talked about it. That way she knew he knew, if that makes sense. She had no problem with it, especially since it was important to me.

My friend didn't even blink in regard to being judgmental, which is exactly what I expected. He even shared something that was really traumatic in his life which he doesn't have anyone with whom he feels he can discuss it.

_CG


Me: 40 BH
Her: 38 FWW (MakingItRight)
Married 8 years (5/3/03)
DDay: ~ 2/20/07
Trying to R - 6/2007
Separating - 6/2011

"Our integrity sells for so little, but it's all that we really have. It is the very last inch of us."


Posts: 535 | Registered: Jan 2008
insanewithpain
♂ Member
Member # 17168
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've told everyone - and I told them R - is not an option for me - everyone - family, friends, coworkers, the toll both operator, sales girls at the mall, my waitress this week, girl that cuts my hair, tax guy, this is not my shame, it's hers - and I won't protect her anymore -

Posts: 629 | Registered: Nov 2007
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is not my shame, it's hers - and I won't protect her anymore -

Hear Hear!!!


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8446 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup. I told everyone who would listen...and I'd do it again.

My FWW was very upset about this for a long time. Her position was that the A should remain a private thing between the two of us.

I told her that it hadn't ever been about the "two of us" from the start.

So she said that I should have treated it like her personal business.

To which I responded, "It was your personal business until the moment you took your pants off with my best friend. Then it became *my* personal business. And I have the right to share my personal business with whoever I choose."

As far as I'm concerned, she can carry that resentment to her grave.

Now, the more important question is Did I tell some people just to punish her? (as opposed to telling people just to line up my support system).

You bet your ass, I did. And in the same situation, I'd do it again.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys, I can so hear and understand each response. I know that I choose to keep this to myself. It has been told to a very small select people, who shall we say have to keep the confidence.

We live in a different kind of world and it would not have faired well to R if I told everyone. And yet the bigger reason I think was the fact that I think much of it has root in her demons of the past. I know I have mine and I have laid much of it on the tables here at SI. But she is not in that kind of place to see or to deal with them. I love her and I just believe it would do more harm than good.

I know that there are parts of my past that I would struggle with if I were to come under critical observations and actions from our "circle". I am my own worst enemy, she is her own also. But I know it would drive me very deep very fast if someone played out a heavy guilt card on me concerning my daughter. This is probably why I kept it so close for 15 years. And I know hers is equal if not so much worse.

But I feel the loneliness. I can't say why I trigger, or why I am down sometimes, etc. It is a tough road. I question my surviviblity sometimes, but I don't regret the choice.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told just about anyone. I was in so much pain when I found out I was looking for help. I have no hesitation mentioning it.
We are divorced and recently my XWW was pissed that I had "trashed" her to so many people. I got some pleasure out of knowing that this is following her and has pissed her off. Too bad, so sad.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to tell everyone but I guess I still feel shame but I never cheated on her.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
chriscross
♂ Member
Member # 17166
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shyguy, you shouldnt shame... you should be proud. you just did the right thing.. and she's not.

if you have a child/ren// they will respect you for that..


Posts: 85 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: philippines
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, guys, I have been working on trying to find a new line of work. With the damage to my shoulders I just can't deal with the heavy lifting any more.

This is all I have ever really known. And I struggle with coming to grips with my new "limitations".

Anyway I go into the job services people and I am talking to the vet rep. I have known him for years and we happen to be the same age and fellow Marines. He is trying to help me find something, but he keeps coming back to how hard it is going to be. He keeps bringing up my heart attack a couple of years ago.

Point is, I am so unqualified for most stuff and my limitations are makinf it worse. All of a sudden the age is relevant.

This crap sucks. I am at a loss of what to think. I started out from the gutter looking to get myself back up and running and this is just dragging me along. I had hoped that I would qualify for some kind of retraining program. But I don't. I do have some issues that could get me a small disability from the VA, but I am not the type of person (I don't think) that does that. It would not mean any money, but if I go through their process, I might qualify for a retraining program. All of this is a maybe.

I have such a poor self imiage already, to me this is just dragging my defeated self through more mud. I feel like I walk a fine edge anyway, how do I get past this? How do I keep my eye on whats "right" and move forward. I came home and told myself that I just need to "gut" my way through all of this and just get to work. Well, I don't know if I can deal with the pain it causes. I am so worn down already by it and all I did was reinjure myself again.

This shit sucks. To me I am proving myself to be as worthless as I feel.

Sorry guys, just don't many places to turn to. Not looking for a reply, I'm just rambling.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron, that anger, its still there. Just keeps getting reignited by the XWW actions. She keeps putting her wants infront of everything, including my son's.

I will admit at times its comical how dumb she really is. Picked up my son for parenting time last Sunday at 2:00pm I have a court ordered (So to be changed) time of 2 hours of time. My XWW was being totally agreeable, in fact even gave me a bottle of brest milk and said keep him for 3 hours. Wow! why the sudden niceness, what the heck is going on...

Well I brought my son back early by a couple of minutes of the 3 hours: As I come down the street I see a guy jump into his Expidition and tear outta the XWW driveway.. I met the XWW as I pulled into the driveway, as she was at the door... Guess old habits die hard, since im guessing this is another freind finder hookup. I could care less what she does, but when it interferes with the upbringing of my son... Well.. Thats not something a kid should be subjected too, not to mention the XWW lack of judgement of who she see's.

When I found out DD#2 I told everyone. Since DD#1 I tryed to bury and work out, this time the flood gates let loose. I emailed all of the XWW family of it, with copied Emails and pictures to leave no doubt. Lets just say blood is thicker than water. Because even make believe excuses made up by the WW are stronger than the best supported facts...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
coldrain
♂ New Member
Member # 18391
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having even one person to confide in is helpfull. I'm new at this and still struggling with alot of things, but having someone I could truly trust NOT to spread the info (that's my decision, or my WW's I suppose). Having someone (other than the WW)to listen to your rants, feelings, questions, etc. is great. Just my experience.


I married me a wife, she's been trouble all my life...

Jerry Garcia


Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Northeast
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coldrain, you need to vent, vent away! This a great bunch of guys that have BTDT still going through it. Glad to see ya here!


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
kxm00
♂ Member
Member # 14075
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked about the anger because I am now over six months from DD#2 and she has been out of my house for four months, and our divorce will be finalized any day now, yet I am still angry.

Mostly, I am angry because I have no answers. I want to know what (read: who) was worth it to her. Worth throwing away her family. Worth upending her children's lives. Worth losing all her friends and family (they speak to me, not her).

She still pushes my buttons, or attempts to do so, regularly. Mostly, I see it for what it is and laugh it off, but sometimes she does get to me.

This past weekend, the anger subsided a bit and I just missed her for the first time in a long time.

I'm not sure which feeling (anger or missing her) is more damaging.

Thoughts?


D-day: 6/25/06
D-day #2: 8/16/07 Found out for sure she was seeing another OM while we were deciding to divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

Divorced 3/5/08.


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: PA
setecastronomy
♂ Member
Member # 14398
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, guys.

I'm still around. It's been a while.

Doing much better, but coming up on the first anniversary of D-Day, so am bolstering my courage.


Me: 37, BH
Her: 35, WW
Together: more than fifteen years
Married: Over a year
D-Day: April 24th, 2007
OM: Married w/c former co-worker, no longer working there.

In R.


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2007
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey set, good to hear from you. Say, I have been through two of them. The first one really sucked, but it is survivable. The second was much easier.

Just try to find something to do that is distracting. I like the take back the day idea. It is hard sometimes burt I think it is healing also.

Luck to you.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
kxm00
♂ Member
Member # 14075
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today's my 37th birthday.

As a special present...

My divorce was finalized by the courts this morning.


D-day: 6/25/06
D-day #2: 8/16/07 Found out for sure she was seeing another OM while we were deciding to divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

Divorced 3/5/08.


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: PA
Tim3167
♂ Member
Member # 17195
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all.

Posting here to get thoughts from other betrayed men.

My wife had a close work friend that crossed into a PA on a work trip. Spent 3 nights with him having intercourse and oral sex.

That was the only time they were intimate and I found text messeges exactly one month after the trip and she admitted the PA.

She is very remorseful and we have grown very connected while we try to understand what led her to that place. She very much knows that she wants to be with me now and feels like she made terrible choices and was very weak.

My question really revolves around how as a man you get past the images of your wife being in those sexual situations. To me the thought of another man inside of her, and in her mouth just turns my stomach. I mean he didnt wear protection either.

I really do want to heal and live my life with her, but sometimes I look at my wife and the mother of my children and picture her going down on this guy.

Is it really that time is the answer??

I get so mad, but I know I have to stop beating her up about it at some point.

[This message edited by Tim3167 at 12:17 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


BH 42 (me)
WW (39) (posts as "Meeko")
DDay #1 11/18/2007
DDay #2 4/2/2008

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