The people you do your life with shape the life you live
As that crappy song from the 90's goes...
"I'm dying inside, and nobody knows it but me."
So here's a question. How many guys have told their good friends (male). If so do you regret it? And has it helped.
Like lonerider, I am alone out here and it sure is a lonely place.
Like lonerider, I am alone out here and it sure is a lonely place.
Heh ... I think I told just about anyone that would listen that knew the both of us.
Now ... that being said, I was pretty pissed off at the time.
Honestly ... the ones that understood when I took her back ... they're still friends. And that was pretty much everyone with a couple exceptions that weren't that important.
Now ... it's a little different. I moved across the country as part of my 180, so all my friends here are new.
She moved out here and we are in R (8 months in), so when I wanted to tell someone who I've become really good friends with and whom she is as well ... we talked about it. That way she knew he knew, if that makes sense. She had no problem with it, especially since it was important to me.
My friend didn't even blink in regard to being judgmental, which is exactly what I expected. He even shared something that was really traumatic in his life which he doesn't have anyone with whom he feels he can discuss it.
"Our integrity sells for so little, but it's all that we really have. It is the very last inch of us."
this is not my shame, it's hers - and I won't protect her anymore -
"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List
My FWW was very upset about this for a long time. Her position was that the A should remain a private thing between the two of us.
I told her that it hadn't ever been about the "two of us" from the start.
So she said that I should have treated it like her personal business.
To which I responded, "It was your personal business until the moment you took your pants off with my best friend. Then it became *my* personal business. And I have the right to share my personal business with whoever I choose."
As far as I'm concerned, she can carry that resentment to her grave.
Now, the more important question is Did I tell some people just to punish her? (as opposed to telling people just to line up my support system).
You bet your ass, I did. And in the same situation, I'd do it again.
We live in a different kind of world and it would not have faired well to R if I told everyone. And yet the bigger reason I think was the fact that I think much of it has root in her demons of the past. I know I have mine and I have laid much of it on the tables here at SI. But she is not in that kind of place to see or to deal with them. I love her and I just believe it would do more harm than good.
I know that there are parts of my past that I would struggle with if I were to come under critical observations and actions from our "circle". I am my own worst enemy, she is her own also. But I know it would drive me very deep very fast if someone played out a heavy guilt card on me concerning my daughter. This is probably why I kept it so close for 15 years. And I know hers is equal if not so much worse.
But I feel the loneliness. I can't say why I trigger, or why I am down sometimes, etc. It is a tough road. I question my surviviblity sometimes, but I don't regret the choice.
if you have a child/ren// they will respect you for that..
This is all I have ever really known. And I struggle with coming to grips with my new "limitations".
Anyway I go into the job services people and I am talking to the vet rep. I have known him for years and we happen to be the same age and fellow Marines. He is trying to help me find something, but he keeps coming back to how hard it is going to be. He keeps bringing up my heart attack a couple of years ago.
Point is, I am so unqualified for most stuff and my limitations are makinf it worse. All of a sudden the age is relevant.
This crap sucks. I am at a loss of what to think. I started out from the gutter looking to get myself back up and running and this is just dragging me along. I had hoped that I would qualify for some kind of retraining program. But I don't. I do have some issues that could get me a small disability from the VA, but I am not the type of person (I don't think) that does that. It would not mean any money, but if I go through their process, I might qualify for a retraining program. All of this is a maybe.
I have such a poor self imiage already, to me this is just dragging my defeated self through more mud. I feel like I walk a fine edge anyway, how do I get past this? How do I keep my eye on whats "right" and move forward. I came home and told myself that I just need to "gut" my way through all of this and just get to work. Well, I don't know if I can deal with the pain it causes. I am so worn down already by it and all I did was reinjure myself again.
This shit sucks. To me I am proving myself to be as worthless as I feel.
Sorry guys, just don't many places to turn to. Not looking for a reply, I'm just rambling.
I will admit at times its comical how dumb she really is. Picked up my son for parenting time last Sunday at 2:00pm I have a court ordered (So to be changed) time of 2 hours of time. My XWW was being totally agreeable, in fact even gave me a bottle of brest milk and said keep him for 3 hours. Wow! why the sudden niceness, what the heck is going on...
Well I brought my son back early by a couple of minutes of the 3 hours: As I come down the street I see a guy jump into his Expidition and tear outta the XWW driveway.. I met the XWW as I pulled into the driveway, as she was at the door... Guess old habits die hard, since im guessing this is another freind finder hookup. I could care less what she does, but when it interferes with the upbringing of my son... Well.. Thats not something a kid should be subjected too, not to mention the XWW lack of judgement of who she see's.
When I found out DD#2 I told everyone. Since DD#1 I tryed to bury and work out, this time the flood gates let loose. I emailed all of the XWW family of it, with copied Emails and pictures to leave no doubt. Lets just say blood is thicker than water. Because even make believe excuses made up by the WW are stronger than the best supported facts...
Mostly, I am angry because I have no answers. I want to know what (read: who) was worth it to her. Worth throwing away her family. Worth upending her children's lives. Worth losing all her friends and family (they speak to me, not her).
She still pushes my buttons, or attempts to do so, regularly. Mostly, I see it for what it is and laugh it off, but sometimes she does get to me.
This past weekend, the anger subsided a bit and I just missed her for the first time in a long time.
I'm not sure which feeling (anger or missing her) is more damaging.
I'm still around. It's been a while.
Doing much better, but coming up on the first anniversary of D-Day, so am bolstering my courage.
Just try to find something to do that is distracting. I like the take back the day idea. It is hard sometimes burt I think it is healing also.
Luck to you.
As a special present...
My divorce was finalized by the courts this morning.
Posting here to get thoughts from other betrayed men.
My wife had a close work friend that crossed into a PA on a work trip. Spent 3 nights with him having intercourse and oral sex.
That was the only time they were intimate and I found text messeges exactly one month after the trip and she admitted the PA.
She is very remorseful and we have grown very connected while we try to understand what led her to that place. She very much knows that she wants to be with me now and feels like she made terrible choices and was very weak.
My question really revolves around how as a man you get past the images of your wife being in those sexual situations. To me the thought of another man inside of her, and in her mouth just turns my stomach. I mean he didnt wear protection either.
I really do want to heal and live my life with her, but sometimes I look at my wife and the mother of my children and picture her going down on this guy.
Is it really that time is the answer??
I get so mad, but I know I have to stop beating her up about it at some point.
[This message edited by Tim3167 at 12:17 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]