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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhh, missed opening this thread by this much!

Oh well, opened and closed the last one


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was sooooo disappointed when I saw the topic was full!

ETA: I need a life!

[This message edited by wifehad5 at 8:37 PM, November 16th (Friday)]


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
LoneAgain
♂ New Member
Member # 16910
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, November 17th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The saga continues. WW picks up the kids then drops them off at grandma's. Is this showing responsibiity/parenthood is she supposedly wants custody? Nothings legal and she still hasn't served me papers. She's gone to another website/chatroom so I can't monitor how long she stays on the computer. According to the kids, she always tells them to go watch TV or something so they can't see her computer screen when she on there. I've just about given up all hope. Should I just email her SI in hopes for any R?

Posts: 16 | Registered: Nov 2007
kxm00
♂ Member
Member # 14075
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, November 17th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lone,

Do whatever you feel necessary to save your marriage for as long as you want to save it and feel it is savable.


D-day: 6/25/06
D-day #2: 8/16/07 Found out for sure she was seeing another OM while we were deciding to divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

Divorced 3/5/08.


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: PA
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, November 17th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know ha I am not the biggest advcate of this, but maybe you should file. It will be a wake up call and it would put her on the defensive. Then you are more in the drivers seat.

Also then at least you know where it stands. You don't have to do anything with it, if nothing happens after a certain amount of time, it just dies. But at least you will have some say in things.

I hope things settle down for you, but it does nopt appear ha way.

Stay strong.

Keep posting.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this showing responsibiity/parenthood is she supposedly wants custody?

No... not at all. My STBX played all kinds of games prior to filing for D. I now see what she was up to.

hurts... read/heed your own words!

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Markus ur Alias
♂ Member
Member # 10889
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lone, file now and get the best lawyer you can.


"I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,
pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
disintegrating as it goes testing our communication"
Tool - Schism

Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Philadelphia, PA
kxm00
♂ Member
Member # 14075
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I finally have closure. I found out who the other man was. It took a lot of detective work and he wasn't who I thought it was (someone she worked with). I don't even know the man. Just some stranger.

He was a one-night stand. She was mad at me and went away for a weekend. Had the affair.

When she got back, I guess, rather than face what she had done, she chose to end our marriage and pursue this man. She probably figured I wouldn't forgive her for what she did. She probably didn't want to look like a whore.

It's nice to have an answer, as I don't have to think about it anymore. But knowing the truth doesn't change who she is and what she has done. It is actually anti-climactic. I guess I might have understood if she started seeing someone she worked with on a daily basis or someone she knew. But to have left me for essentially a one-night stand. Not sure how I feel about that right now.

I haven't let her know that I know and I will probably right a letter to the man's wife. I'm just a bit numb right now.


D-day: 6/25/06
D-day #2: 8/16/07 Found out for sure she was seeing another OM while we were deciding to divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

Divorced 3/5/08.


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: PA
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kmx: It must be very much an anti-climax. It is so difficult to be in limbo in regards to knowledge, but then sometimes when you find the answer you go "So, what now?"

Hang in there.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t2g - man I can hear you. But I think (here comes the defense) that it is two seperate situations. I know that I cause the bulk of my grief.

My W has never not denied the A. She has complied with most everything asked of her. She is remorseful and regrets the action.

My issue is that she will not face up to the reality of her past having control of her present. She has and continues to compartmentalize it all. Even after my blow out to her last week, she took it all in stride. I told her about how I felt and that I feel like I can't fully heal due to it being one sided. She acknowledges that. But she has yet to find it in her to confront her demons. I know that she is so very afraid of it. She tried, but poor results secondary to a lousy IC.

It is her mannerisms (poor word) and her inability to confront this that creates the problem. The MC and IC's all agree that her history of SAb is root to many of the problems we have. She has never really emotionally matured in a healthy way. It creates roadblocks and it frustrates her. But she is also afraid of what it has done to her, I think.

It is a tough call. I do know as more time goes by, I am getting more prepared to shift myself as I need. But something inside of me has not yet reached the point of it. I don't see this crap as willful. I think she feels stuck in it also. She is a good parent and that is one area we generally have no issues with. She struggles with any relationship with teen boys. (mine) By I also see that it was teen boys who abused her for many years. She just never learned how to deal with them. This is so very apparent to me and her IC and MC.

She by the way refuses to accept that reasoning. She says she will not use it as an excuse. It is I who have excused it to that reasoning. She just simply states that it was her who screwed up, not her past. But yet to watch everything else, and having experienced many of her defensive posturings, I can so see it.

I do see minor victories every noiw and again. My biggest problem is that I am so worn down by all of it, my threshold is way down. Thus I trigger out more readily and easily. The fault is my own. But even in the light of it all, I still can't abandon ship. Just don't know how. I always seem to be the idiot who stays in the fire fighting away.

I can't tell you guys how much I appreciate all of you. I value your friendship more than words allow.

Thanks


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
ToddC
♂ Member
Member # 9314
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lone,

It sound like your WW has checked out. You cannot R your marriage so long as she has her head in the clouds. You can give it some time; most WW take a while to come back to Earth. Some don't however and you have a critical issue: your kids. While she is on the computer in lala land, does she really know what your kids are doing?

If I were you, I would see an attorney and go ahead and file and go for primary custody. It make wake her up. If that doesn't there is not much hope I am afraid.


Posts: 18524 | Registered: Jan 2006
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts,

My wife also had issues from her past (not SAB), and was afraid to face them. She was afraid that she would find out she was a bad person. It took her 9 years of marriage and 5 A's before she would agree to counseling. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remeber me:) Life has turned out. Was a total restructuring of life, one of my hidden stregths I found was adapting. I wrote about "S" 6 months ago, we moved in together, looking at buying a house. I am simply amazed of what life has handed me on this turn of it, a restart in life. I ended up: A great relationship, awesome job, a passion for what ever I go after. There is life after all this, and it has a unequaled clarity!


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TT - thats fantastic. Sounds like life is being great. Congrates.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey TT, great to hear from you! So glad things have turned out so well for you...that is awesome!


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
LoneAgain
♂ New Member
Member # 16910
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, November 23rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said she's going to serve me separation/divorce papers next week. Should I just beat her to the punch and serve her first? Is an EA/phone affair legitimate grounds for cause? How does this procedure follow thru? If I sign/recv the papers 1st, Can I still serve her mine?

Posts: 16 | Registered: Nov 2007
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, November 23rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it will depend on where you're from.

In my province you can 'technically' file based on adultery but it rarely happens and is usually based on the 1 year separation in that case anyway.

Additionally it depends on how adultery is defined. An EA may not count as 'adultery' legally. I think it's definition is sexual intercourse with someone else while married. So she could have an EA and then just use the 'separation' word and go sleep with the guy and you can't do a thing about it. Isn't no fault great?

Get professional legal advice if you can afford it.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
kxm00
♂ Member
Member # 14075
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, November 23rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So... I spoke to the wife of the other man tonight. Why? I don't know. Just needed closure. We didn't get a chance to talk much and trade details, but I'm calling her back on Sunday.

She said that her husband came home from the July weekend event (that my wife also attended, when things started to go bad for us) and said he wanted a divorce. He didn't tell her why, just that he didn't want to be married anymore. I think she suspected there was someone else, she just didn't know for sure. She certainly didn't seem surprised.

I probably should just drop it and move on, but I guess I need this last bit of closure. I would have rather spoken to him, but she said he moved out the following weekend and I don't have a way to contact him.

I don't think I will ever tell the STBXW that I know who it is and that I spoke with his wife. As far as she knows, I have no clue who the man is. That is because it was essentially a one-night stand that blossomed into more. I never met the guy and he doesn't really live anywhere near us.

She has kind of used the fact that I don't know as a power play over the past few months. Was basically rubbing it in my face. So I guess that drove me to keep looking.

Now she doesn't have that anymore, and I think I'll keep it to myself. It will be more fun for me to know that I know, and that she doesn't know that I know.

After Sunday, it will finally be time to move on. (Although that time is already here, I needed this last push.)

By the way, that article described me in every way possible, emotional, physical, financial... all things that have failed me. I also never real saw it coming. The only thing I can say is that since we didn't have to fight over custody (we agreed to 50/50) I didn't have to deal with the biased court system.

[This message edited by kxm00 at 8:06 AM, December 27th (Thursday)]


D-day: 6/25/06
D-day #2: 8/16/07 Found out for sure she was seeing another OM while we were deciding to divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

Divorced 3/5/08.


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: PA
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