Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
Member # 39114
| Posted: 7:26 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013|
So much pain here.
Me BS 48 Him: Dumbass. 4.5yr LTA. DDays 4/2013. Selfish "in his own world" repressed angry "man", true Jekyll Hyde. Post Dday R disasterous. Poor guy is so clueless, I now feel badly for him. What a mess. Moving states after house sale.
Posts: 507 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Member # 40819
| Posted: 10:48 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014|
Oh no. I just recently posted on how upset I was with our MC. And how she was saying it's a possibility that WS is "unable" or "can't" connect emotionally in the way I might need him too. I thought this was total bs. And even he said that night that he didn't know what she was talking about, saying that he has emotions and feelings, but feels uncomfortable talking about them.
I just read this thread and my head is spinning... saying please don't be this. Please don't be this kind of man. Please tell me he can be the man I need him to be. I thought he was. I noticed a disconnection and he never has talked about all his squishy feelings. But I just want to cry. I so desperately want him to be the man I thought/knew he could be
But my WS sounds so similar to what I have been reading. I'm really freaking out right now . Ugh this makes me feel like all the " love" we have had for almost 10 yrs is all fake or just my imagination. .... how do I know if he is EU? Do I have to wait and just find out? Will I have the courage to leave if I find out he actually is unable to emotionally connect with me in the way I need him to now?
This has really added to my doubt
Together over 9yrs
Posts: 54 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
Member # 41939
| Posted: 5:58 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014|
My ex was seeing a psychiatrist that was very helpful for a long time, but sadly she moved away. He always told me he was emotionally stunted and apologized for it.
I should have walked away... Just my .02.
Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013
Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 30213
| Posted: 5:11 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014|
I have just branched out from the R forum into the found out years later forum and this on b/c I feel these would help in my situation. Boy do the posts here sound familiar. I am 4 years out from dday and have tried to figure out what I need. Tell me if this sounds familiar to anyone else her;
In our 35 years together before dday, we were never really touchy feely like some couples...it didn't really occur to me that he was EU. After though...throughout R...I have come to need his emotional support...through touch...hugs, handholding spontaneous shows of affection and words. I guess I never realized before the A that he was EU...our relationship went deeper than that...trust, partnership, soul mate, oneness...whatever it may be called. Maybe now that the A killed that part of our relationship, I need more on the emotional side.
Posts: 493 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 32046
| Posted: 10:09 AM, January 26th (Sunday), 2014|
Reading through this thread has me in tears. I see myself in all the posts. Just when I thought my heart couldn't possibly break anymore this topic comes along. I am so lonely. Is it too much to ask for a daily hug? I am starving for affection. We have very little physical contact because H is scared sex will cause his heart to totally fail. His ED had kept us from actual intercourse for several years now. I am so lonely and I am afraid of what I might do. I like sex and romance. I crave initimatcy. Calling for an IC appt on Monday. I just want someone to talk to me, hold my hand, offer some real emotion, and then hug me hard. Is that really so much to ask? Don't we all deserve at least that much?
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
"It's been a good day if I didn't have to release the flying monkeys!"
Posts: 887 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 30213
| Posted: 5:06 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014|
WoundedOpus...your words describe my feelings frustrations so closely it is scarey.
I am not alone in this.
The general consensus with IC and MC seems to be that the EU may not be changeable...they are what they are. I have come to accept that with my fWH this is the case and just try to deal with it and get past it. I am reading 5 love languages in bits and pieces...came across it in thrift shop...it is somewhat comforting to know that when he does other things for me fixes something I need fixed...gets me something he knows I want, plans us an outing that that is his way of showing affection. I am the one that needs the words and hugs and touches. I have tried in the past to tell him, but I don't think he got it. If I tell him more directly what I need, he may comply out of duty, but not really because he feels it. Still the words I read 4 years ago to OW stick in my mind....he talked about holding her hand...he won't hold mine for more than a minute before he pulls away. One day I am just going to lose it and yell why can't you hold my hand...don't you know that one day I may not be able to deal with this anymore and me and my hand will go elsewhere. I just need someone to hold my hand sometimes.
Posts: 493 | Registered: Nov 2010
|Topic Posts: 626|