my FWH doesn't like to talk about his As because he "already feels like shit enough" or he's "moved on from that and doesn't understand why we need to keep bringing it up."
I would say I get true remorse maybe 5% of the time and it's making R impossible right now. How do I get that through to him, though? He's so friggin' defensive all the time!
I get about 3% of the affection I want or need and WH Has said that he does not know how to show it because he did not recieve it as a child.
I am left to feel like I am crazy for wanting something so natural, he thinks I should look to the future and stop living in the past.
I have never known anyone to be so scared of talking about emotions
I can relate 3% is not a good number.
I have the same problem with my H showing emotions, communicating emotions etc.
My therapist told me to get into group settings with him, so he can learn from others...not learn from my words.
Whoever would have thought not showing or expressing love/care/and concern wouldnt come naturally to the men we choose to marry. Strange but a reality.
[This message edited by cobraadvice at 10:01 PM, June 13th (Monday)]
You are really new to this living nightmare and unfortunately have a long and bumpy road ahead of you.
You as the BS have the right to ask him anything you feel you need to ask. He should answer your questions and be honest. This doesn't always happen. Sometimes it takes awhile for them to get it.
Take care of yourself. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. see an attny asap.
Know your options. Post and read here often. There are many wonderful people her to help us get through this.
Where is everyone?
I've read half of this thread, and it doesn't look hopeful!
I read that 180s don't work, as I've kind of figured out the hard way, but is there anything that DOES work?
It seems that the only solution is long term IC. I wish I would have figured that out years ago, before I realized that my actual life-spirit is being damaged.
It's a catch-22 now: I can't stay without the emotional grand gesture, and he wouldn't be capable of that without getting his head inspected for years - if ever.
He says he loves me all the time, but he can't feel it. And he definately cannot empathize.
Like you, I feel that the 180 is just rewarding him - allowing him to pretend nothing has happened.
I think I need to take time to read the rest of this thread...
And he is waiting for ME to change to reengage in the marriage?
As everyone else here, I have been doing the 180 but it really feels like I am rewarding him as he never wants to talk about things related with the affair anyway. He once texed me "Let my past stay in the past". HUH? What ever happens to the fact that you effed up past is now very much affecting my present?
I have expereinced no remorse, no empathy from him, just lots of lies, rugsweeping and blameshifting. He agrees that he is messed up, but he wont even admit to half of what he has done so he won't admit to anything other than his affair. He thinks that he can work on himself and maybe down the road decide IF he wants the marriage. IF? Who says I'm going to just sit on the burner to see IF I want to take his broken, raggedy *ss back?
Our son's birthday is next week, I'm just waiting until after his party to file for divorce. I have had enough. It has been 7 months for me with noprogress. Everything is about him, what about his feelings, his hurt, his pain, his image...He should have thought of that before screwing around on me for 4+ years and documenting everything on video or pictures! He has yet to see what he has done to ME or even his kids. He admits that he has hurt me, but I dont think he thinks further than that. in fact, he doesn't even give me room to express my hurt to him. And when I bring it up to others, he accuses me of bringing other people into our marriage. Didn't he realize he opened a pandora's box the minute he opened his fly?
I have expereinced no remorse, no empathy from him, just lots of lies, rugsweeping and blameshifting.
Wow, I belong her too. My FWH is emotionally unavailable, PA, had a LTA, is defensive when asked questions, just wants to "move on"....the 180 actually rewards him also.
He's been in IC for over 3 years with no progress.
Has anybody here actually had a successful R? I'm thinking I either live with him "alone"....or get out of the M altogether. He tells me that he can't change, it's who he is and I know what I married. Ya right...if I knew back then I would have run a mile.
Hugs to everyone.
The good news is, he's willingly in IC with a counselor that he likes. The bad news is, I'm not sure how long I can hang in until he "gets it".
Anyone out there?
his parents passed away 3 1/2 yrs ago (18 days apart from each other after 64 yrs of marriage) and he never shed a tear or showed an emotion of any kind. i understand that everyone shows grief differently, but this was, well, just 'not right'.
he and i have discussed his lack of compassion/empathy. he just doesn't have it. i've known this for a long time, and managed to clearly accept it (or ignore it, i can't tell which anymore).
there is much work to be done in my life.
I'm sick of feeling so out of control. Another morning lost to SI and I haven't read this entire thread yet.
I'm beginning to think it would just be easier to give up.
Mine always says the past is in the past as a form of not dealing with it.
I need to read through this whole thread as I am new to this "enlightenment" about my WH.
I've come to terms with things, like that he doesn't respond when I write him heartfelt notes, even when I ask for a response. He keeps things close to the vest. I feel sorry for him. His strength may be his greatest weakness.
Sometimes...I do feel that maybe we live on very superficial planes. Then I think that maybe I'm overemotional and he's normal
...I know he is hurt because I wasn't supportive when at our first visit together, his counselor asked him "how many times have you smiled" and it turned out he had him actively smiling at us.
I was so hurt at the time, all I could think was "you've always frowned at me, then you lied and lied, and had the affair, and now you are FAKE SMILING." I was livid and hurt. He rarely shows emotion and I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Now...I ask. I ask "are you angry, are you upset, are you happy? or just How are you feeling"
I don't expect deep thoughtful responses.
Though he sure does surprise me sometimes. For Christmas he reserved and adopted a kitten I had fostered and become attached to. I promised when I got into the fostering (it was for an internship-human and animal bonding) that I wouldn't fall in love with any animals. But I did. And so did my other cat. So....Christmas Eve he surprises me with my sweet kitten. I named her "Henley" for the singer from the Eagles who sings "our" song.
I cope with the fact that he is often emotionally unavailable. I used to spend a lot of time worrying about what he was thinking. Now I just tell him I'm unsure of his feelings. And I wish I hadn't gotten so mad about the "fake" smiling (which he says was not fake, it was recognizing his emotions and acting on them.) I love it when he smiles.
He also doesn't want to talk about the affair and hasn't for most of our R. But somehow I don't want to either anymore. Inside I think about it. And inside, when he is being unavailable and not completing things I think SHE wouldn't have put up with this.
But I focus a lot on the idea that my happiness is up to me. If he contributes, YEAH, but he's not responsible for it. I can't make him go for walks with me, or do stuff we (me and the kids) want to do. But I CAN do those things without him and create my own happiness. I suppose that he feels the same way about me not understanding sports.
People are so strange aren't they?
I'm glad to have found this thread. Emotional unavailability...hmmm.
[This message edited by tooloyal at 1:22 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)]