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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 4th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just FYI, I asked the mods and we now have a thread in this forum for people who exhibit Passive-Aggressive or Co-Dependent behaviors.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=293053

My WH doesn't fit the description of emotionally unavailable very well. I would say he is emotionally foggy, but the foggyness isn't the biggest issue, it's the way he subordinates himself and his needs in our relationship and then acts out when it doesn't work out well for him.

Please join me over in the PA thread if you can relate.

Thanks, kk


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1002 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read most of the threads and I'm M to an EU man, which I knew and accepted. He has been in a LTA for at least 3 years (of which I did not know). Now he says he wants to work on the M. Yet he is so void of emotion it is very difficult for me. It has been 3 weeks since DDay and he has agreed to MC. Has anybody that is married to an EU person ever R successfully? From what I've read it doesn't seem there has been much sucess.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
hope4now
♀ Member
Member # 13364
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reading through these responses with tears rolling down my face...

All the decriptions I'm reading could have been written about my fwh.

We are at a very low point right now. We have a long distance marriage and things are so bad that he hasn't even called home since the weekend. I am chronically eager and I just can't stop pressing him to give me an answer about whether we are going to work on our marriage or just walk away. He has just checked out completely lately.

I feel pathetic, like why do I keep begging him to give me some sign of hope. Why don't I just say I'm tired of being treated so badly and I'm tired of my kids being treated badly and just take that step!

There's one thing that I have been wondering about a lot lately and I'm hoping someone can help. Does an emotionally unavailable (or emotionally closed) person have feelings that they can't express? Or do they simply NOT feel anything at all? I'm scared that I might be dealing with a sociopath. I know that's extreme, but I just can't understand his lack of sympathy/empathy with me and our children.



Me: BW 35
WS 40
2 sweet kids
2 OW (2005,2008)
filed for D twice
Struggling with R again

With God ALL things are possible. (I still believe!)

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Louisiana
hope4now
♀ Member
Member # 13364
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reading through these responses with tears rolling down my face...

All the decriptions I'm reading could have been written about my fwh.

We are at a very low point right now. We have a long distance marriage and things are so bad that he hasn't even called home since the weekend. I am chronically eager and I just can't stop pressing him to give me an answer about whether we are going to work on our marriage or just walk away. He has just checked out completely lately.

I feel pathetic, like why do I keep begging him to give me some sign of hope. Why don't I just say I'm tired of being treated so badly and I'm tired of my kids being treated badly and just take that step!

There's one thing that I have been wondering about a lot lately and I'm hoping someone can help. Does an emotionally unavailable (or emotionally closed) person have feelings that they can't express? Or do they simply NOT feel anything at all? I'm scared that I might be dealing with a sociopath. I know that's extreme, but I just can't understand his lack of sympathy/empathy with me and our children.



Me: BW 35
WS 40
2 sweet kids
2 OW (2005,2008)
filed for D twice
Struggling with R again

With God ALL things are possible. (I still believe!)

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Louisiana
hope4now
♀ Member
Member # 13364
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reading through these responses with tears rolling down my face...

All the decriptions I'm reading could have been written about my fwh.

We are at a very low point right now. We have a long distance marriage and things are so bad that he hasn't even called home since the weekend. I am chronically eager and I just can't stop pressing him to give me an answer about whether we are going to work on our marriage or just walk away. He has just checked out completely lately.

I feel pathetic, like why do I keep begging him to give me some sign of hope. Why don't I just say I'm tired of being treated so badly and I'm tired of my kids being treated badly and just take that step!

There's one thing that I have been wondering about a lot lately and I'm hoping someone can help. Does an emotionally unavailable (or emotionally closed) person have feelings that they can't express? Or do they simply NOT feel anything at all? I'm scared that I might be dealing with a sociopath. I know that's extreme, but I just can't understand his lack of sympathy/empathy with me and our children.



Me: BW 35
WS 40
2 sweet kids
2 OW (2005,2008)
filed for D twice
Struggling with R again

With God ALL things are possible. (I still believe!)

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Louisiana
hope4now
♀ Member
Member # 13364
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reading through these responses with tears rolling down my face...

All the decriptions I'm reading could have been written about my fwh.

We are at a very low point right now. We have a long distance marriage and things are so bad that he hasn't even called home since the weekend. I am chronically eager and I just can't stop pressing him to give me an answer about whether we are going to work on our marriage or just walk away. He has just checked out completely lately.

I feel pathetic, like why do I keep begging him to give me some sign of hope. Why don't I just say I'm tired of being treated so badly and I'm tired of my kids being treated badly and just take that step!

There's one thing that I have been wondering about a lot lately and I'm hoping someone can help. Does an emotionally unavailable (or emotionally closed) person have feelings that they can't express? Or do they simply NOT feel anything at all? I'm scared that I might be dealing with a sociopath. I know that's extreme, but I just can't understand his lack of sympathy/empathy with me and our children.



Me: BW 35
WS 40
2 sweet kids
2 OW (2005,2008)
filed for D twice
Struggling with R again

With God ALL things are possible. (I still believe!)

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Louisiana
hope4now
♀ Member
Member # 13364
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for the multiple posts! My screen was frozen and I hit "submit message" a few times too many.


Me: BW 35
WS 40
2 sweet kids
2 OW (2005,2008)
filed for D twice
Struggling with R again

With God ALL things are possible. (I still believe!)

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Louisiana
ali30471
♀ Member
Member # 25582
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, September 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's one thing that I have been wondering about a lot lately and I'm hoping someone can help. Does an emotionally unavailable (or emotionally closed) person have feelings that they can't express? Or do they simply NOT feel anything at all? I'm scared that I might be dealing with a sociopath. I know that's extreme, but I just can't understand his lack of sympathy/empathy with me and our children.

I have been wondering this too. That's why we started MC in the first place, I felt he wasn't there for me other than a paycheck and a warm body. We were in MC when he had his little EA. I keep wondering did I push him to it? Was I asking too much of him, is he totally incapable of being intimately/emotional???

I feel pathetic, like why do I keep begging him to give me some sign of hope.

This is me to a T. I'd been begging and pleading for some sign. Tell me you want me and love me, truly love me or tell me it's over. Tell me you married me for me, not for what I have done for you and the boys.

I can see remorse in his eyes. He cried his eyes out in MC, but he can't get words out. He hangs his head in shame. I don't know if he doesn't know how to say anything, can't or won't.


Me 48
Wh 43
6 kids, 3 mine, 3 his, 3 living at home.
D-day July 11,2009

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2009
honeybee102683
♀ New Member
Member # 25636
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, September 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I was the only one going through this!! Thank goodness I'm not alone. How on earth do you get an emotionally unavailable person to open up? And, has any relationship thrived with someone who is emotionally not with it?

Posts: 23 | Registered: Sep 2009
BoardPearl
♀ Member
Member # 25463
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, September 28th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new here, so bear with me. :)

I "checked" out of the marriage emotionally three years ago. I don't know what happened, I suffered from depression and just wasn't happy. I never was assertive enough to work on the marriage daily at that time.

So many things were going on with my life. I had just lost my mother, we moved far away, the kids were having a very hard time adjusting. EVERYTHING happened at the same time.

My husband tried to be the same as he always was. I didn't cheat.

I remember sleeping through one christmas (the planning, cleaning) because I couldn't cope with anything. He accepted it and was loving.

So I get out of my own personal and inner fog and it was too late. He had already moved on with someone else.

I managed to get better and better all on my own about a year ago. This while I was living alone and had the kids alone. He and I live in different countries.

I am now doing very well, healthy etc., but I feel like it's too late. He's already been in an A for almost a year now. While I did the 180 subconsciously after cutting out medication to stay healthy for myself.

The children are doing great too. But now, this.. I have to cope with another obstacle. Happy I gained my inner strength back before I found out.

When I found my way back to him, we had a wonderful time. I was back to my old self. I wanted to try and make the marriage work, but it was too late.

I'm thinking if he was going to be unfaithful, he would have done it anyway. That it's not my fault.


Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Europe
notparanoid
♀ Member
Member # 8067
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to post on this subject years ago after reading Patti Henry's book "The Emotionally Unavailable Man". It saved my marriage. I read all the other infidelity books but none ever really gave me the reasons behind the A and all his other issues and mine too!

Now dealing with hubby's recovery from stroke and yet again lack of emotion, but sadly this time it's physical reasons. Like Mom always said, no one said life would be easy.


Me-52
WH-50
Married 29 + years
The REAL DDAY-5/25/05

http://patti-henry.com/
Hubby had a stroke 3-4-09 - working hard at recovering.

He decided to spend his days looking up old sluts on FB from years past.... Where are we now?


Posts: 885 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Somewhere I've not been before
ali30471
♀ Member
Member # 25582
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, December 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the book reccomendation. I have ordered it and anxiously awaiting it's arrival. I hope it gives me insight as to why he is like this. At this point I can only put some puzzle pieces together. I hope I can understand and accept it and move forward with him.


Me 48
Wh 43
6 kids, 3 mine, 3 his, 3 living at home.
D-day July 11,2009

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2009
notparanoid
♀ Member
Member # 8067
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, December 20th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck ali30471, it's an awesome book. Get your WS to read it too, OR read it to him.

My husband read it and it gave him lots of insight as to why he allowed himself to step outside our marriage. He learned a lot about himself that he didn't even realize was there.

Awesome book by an awesome lady! She saved us! I don't think I could have made it through this and keep my sanity or hair!!!

I truly is insightful and easy to read for the lay person!

BEST OF LUCK!!

Ginny


Me-52
WH-50
Married 29 + years
The REAL DDAY-5/25/05

http://patti-henry.com/
Hubby had a stroke 3-4-09 - working hard at recovering.

He decided to spend his days looking up old sluts on FB from years past.... Where are we now?


Posts: 885 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Somewhere I've not been before
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate this!

She had the EA, but I have to do all of the work of R because she is emotionally unavailable?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you R with an emotionally unavailable wife who "just wants to be left alone"?


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, March 5th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night, I asked: "How do you R with an emotionally unavailable wife who 'just wants to be left alone'?"

The answer is: you don't.

Someone on one of the other topics pointed out a painful truth: "There can be a long period of time between D-Day and the beginning of R".

In my case, D-day was last month, but WW hasn't started R yet. And if she hasn't started R, then I guess we haven't started R.

So I am in this limbo space. I trying to do the 180 and I am trying to not put any emotional demands on Mrs. Emotionally Unavailable.

My new mantra: responding to pain generates growth.


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
sadandtrying
♀ Member
Member # 19246
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"There can be a long period of time between D-Day and the beginning of R"

yes....and the slow ticking of time is brutal.

It took MONTHS (nearly 12 actually) before my H really began the R process with me..it is SO hard to penetrate his non-emotional exterior.


R-ing is hard enough; R-ing with a EU spouse can be utterly exhausting.

Now, at 2.5 years from d-day we are still in the R process.


Posts: 1064 | Registered: Apr 2008
jsngold
♂ Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is starting IC next week.

So do I continue to do the 180, and wait for her to get out of her fog and start R?

From what I understand, R doesn't start until the WS crawls back on their knees, begging to be taken back.

I am definitely not in that situation.

I guess that I will keep doing the 180.


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
Onefoot
♀ Member
Member # 22249
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, April 12th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After 33 years marriage to a PA, emotionally unavailable husband who had an EA/PA with our spiritual "daughter" brought into our home at his request, husband still can't "decide" what to do.

He says: he's in love with her (she is getting married in 2 months, she definitely is NOT in love with him)

He has no attraction to me

Ours has been a relationship of convenience

BUT he can't decide what to do!

Doesn't want to "fail" at marriage.

I suggested he needed to live elsewhere to be able to figure himself out - he can't do that without a boost to get him moving. I don't know what he's doing.

I just don't understand how someone could live unengaged for 33 years, commit adultery, and then say (2 years post DDay) that he doesn't know what to do!

He has always wanted out. I gave him "out". He doesn't know what to do still.

Is that the ultimate of PA?


BS - me 60
WS - him 59
Married 1977 - 34 years
2 DDs - 27, 20
DDay March 30, 2008
EA - 2 1/2 years, PA 4 months
OW - 25 years younger, lived as "daughter" with us at husband's request, then he pursued her as lover
NC - Jan 2008, S

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: California
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading and reading for hours through this thread.

I can relate on so many levels to so many issues that everyone is having with being married to someone who is EU. I never realized what it was called until my FWH's LTA and trying to R. It's so so difficult to R with someone like this.

If I knew this when I met my H, I would have run a mile and never looked back. Too late after 34 years.

I'm muddling through this and wondering if this M is going to make it.

I am going to read some of the books that were suggested on this thread.

So not only did I join the LTA thread but now I have another new club....the EU!!!
I hope I don't stumble across any other clubs that I need to belong to.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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