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User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
Shotthrutheheart
♀ Member
Member # 17312
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone on this forum know of any good websites to read up on the emotionally unavailable?


Me BS: 42
Him WH: 37 (two ONS with same woman)
D-Day: 11/29/07
Married 8 years (second for both) together 9.
1 daughter 5 yrs old
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
http://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com

Posts: 245 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: overseas
me+6
♀ Member
Member # 15035
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, November 23rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey I just found this thread and it looks like everyone has disappeared?

This is the thread for ME!

Please all of you come back I could use some words of wisdom and support.

I read a few of the first posts on this thread and i went to a site about being P/A and its my WH all the way.

As far as the 180 goes I think it may not really work with the emotionally unavailable right? Hasn't seeemed to work for me!


me-36 WH-37
Married 16 years together 18
6 children (5,7,8,12,14,16)
DDay - March 4th 2007
DDay #2 September 13, 2008 EA
Separated Oct 24, 2008
7/1/09 He is coming home!
Beginning to R

Posts: 694 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: East Coast
cryingwife
♀ Member
Member # 21560
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, November 23rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi me+6,

I knew this was the string for me as soon as I read through the first few posts. Hope we can get this going again.

My WH's idea of R is to be patient with me, yes me, while I'm angry or sad or hurt or whatever. It's only been 3 weeks and he thinks I should be ready to "move forward" I've always known he was emotionally unavailable but I guess I was hoping he would step up when it got serious.

The 180 has no effect on my WH. He's all to happy to be left alone.

I have absolutely no advice. I'm too new and emotions for me are too raw. But maybe someone else can us.

Anyone?


Me: 43
WS: 51
DDay: Nov 6, 2008
2 adult kids
Reconciliation is a gift I gave him and he earns it every day.

Posts: 181 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Beautiful Colorado
me+6
♀ Member
Member # 15035
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, November 23rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still can't believe that there are "others" out there that act so much like my WH.

I would love to hear from some of people who have sucessfully R with these emotionally unavailable spouses.

A friend of mine has the book co-dependent no more and she has offered it to me. It wasn't still I started reading this thread that I decided I should read it!


me-36 WH-37
Married 16 years together 18
6 children (5,7,8,12,14,16)
DDay - March 4th 2007
DDay #2 September 13, 2008 EA
Separated Oct 24, 2008
7/1/09 He is coming home!
Beginning to R

Posts: 694 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: East Coast
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 has no effect on my WH. He's all to happy to be left alone.

I haven't been here in a while and think I was one of the "founding sisters" of this thread.

I just went through 2 months of the 180 with my H. I wouldn't say he was happy to be left alone, but he certainly didn't make any attempt to come to me. It took me asking him to go back to MC for the dam to break. And I know why.

Because in MC, with a good MC, he wouldn't get away with "I don't know" or blameshifting or be able to turn the problem back to being my fault. Some things came out that he'd been withholding from me. The only emotion he allowed himself to show was anger, though.

What struck me hardest was when he said "do you know how hard it is to live with someone who hates your guts? Who thinks your scum?"

So people, just because they are masters at running and hiding from deeply disturbing feelings, doesn't mean they don't feel them.

Our old MC pointed out a while back that when faced with something difficult or a "yucky" feeling, they will do everything in their power NOT to feel it. They don't know how to handle it, they're afraid they will never get back under control if they lose control.

After our argument, I took a walk. (My way of cooling off and getting my emotions undercontrol). When I came back, I texted him and told him I would try and look at him as "redeemed" rather than like he was still and SOB and see how it went. He said he would try and initiate more shows of affection.

The "glow" lasted like 3 days and he's back to his old tricks. So, I'm back on the 180 to get through the holidays and then I will offer him MC one last time.

We saw a friend yesterday who is dying. H isn't completely heartless, he wept and held me while I cried. But on the ride home, he turned to me and said "Well, it seemed she at least recognized you. She didn't even know I was there." Like I got rewarded because she showed a flutter of recognition when I talked to her. He was jealous and pissed, but couldn't admit that. When I asked him how he felt about that, all he said was "No, I was telling you to make YOU feel better."

By trying to make me feel sorry for HIM?

It's not just emotional unavailability, it's emotional stunting.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
me+6
♀ Member
Member # 15035
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy

Sound so much like what I am dealing with.

My little 5 yr. old is so attached to his Daddy and is completely undone with Daddy not living home. Today when he had to leave Dad (WH) he cried and cried saying "but Daddy i miss you so much, I need you" and so much more. Well I couldn't take it and I started to cry. WH gets angry with me. I mean why in the hell would he be angry at me for feeling my son's pain.

Please someone explain this to me.


me-36 WH-37
Married 16 years together 18
6 children (5,7,8,12,14,16)
DDay - March 4th 2007
DDay #2 September 13, 2008 EA
Separated Oct 24, 2008
7/1/09 He is coming home!
Beginning to R

Posts: 694 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: East Coast
cryingwife
♀ Member
Member # 21560
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something I realized today in IC. My WH has always been emotionally unavailable. I willingly married that. (I must have been crazy) What changed in the last year was that he added dismissive to the mix. That allowed him to have an affair and god knows what else.

I certainly don't know what makes them this way but I think the only hope is to figure out exactly what we need and explain it in detail. If they can't do it then maybe time to go.

I know I have to decide if I can live with such an unfeeling person for the rest of my life.

yuck.


Me: 43
WS: 51
DDay: Nov 6, 2008
2 adult kids
Reconciliation is a gift I gave him and he earns it every day.

Posts: 181 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Beautiful Colorado
me+6
♀ Member
Member # 15035
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, November 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh says that this is "eating him up inside" but he doesn't know how to show it.

He says he just needs to keep moving. I say he is the king of compartmentalizing.

I have lived my life with a father who never, ever showed emotion. Now I have done the same for my children by choosing a father for them that is the same way.

Why can't he just figure it out!!! We all have our issues - work on them dammit!


me-36 WH-37
Married 16 years together 18
6 children (5,7,8,12,14,16)
DDay - March 4th 2007
DDay #2 September 13, 2008 EA
Separated Oct 24, 2008
7/1/09 He is coming home!
Beginning to R

Posts: 694 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: East Coast
tumastuee
♀ New Member
Member # 17664
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a message from an "old one"!
It has been almost one year since dday.
Nothing has changed...
Mu WH is like all of yours, emotionally unavailable.
The only thing he can say is "he is sorry" but he doesn't feel any remorse.
I begin to think maybe it's time for me to go...


Me:BS
Him: WS - Emotional Affair: 2 months, but already very deep bond
M:10 years
Together: 14 years


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
cryingwife
♀ Member
Member # 21560
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. We tend to chose our fathers, uncles, etc. and find ourselves in the same situation, seeking approval just like we did as kids.

It doesn't come, the approval. Take care of yourself and figure out what you need.

CW


Me: 43
WS: 51
DDay: Nov 6, 2008
2 adult kids
Reconciliation is a gift I gave him and he earns it every day.

Posts: 181 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Beautiful Colorado
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoping this will help someone--after 46 years, I am finally figuring out why I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men. (This is my 3rd marriage with one).

I am in counseling because this is it for me, I don't want to go thru this crap again. And I told my counselor I am staying until I get to the root of my problems and figure them out.

My father (I still adore him and think he is the greatest) was a great dad, but was emotionally unavailable. Still is to a point. Loves his family and would die for us, but has a hard time showing emotions. I started missing this when I was a young girl (we used to wrestle and play, but when I got older, my dad stopped). Now I remember feeling rejected. Apparently, I am looking for some other guy to fill up that emotional hole left in me, and for some reason (I haven't figured this part out yet--still working on it), I go to emotionally unavailable guys like my dad, and my thoughts are maybe I am trying to get them to open up and fill that hole. The part that doesn't make sense is I don't feel attracted to guys that wear their emotions on their sleeves--it seems to have to be someone like my dad. Weird, huh.

My current WS is so locked up I think it may take a nuclear bomb to open him up. He has opened up maybe 3 or 4 times during our relationship, for a few moments, then he runs and hides back behind his wall. I have talked with him about it, and he does realize it, but can't seem to do anything about it, and obviously doesn't care enough to get help. So, that is where we are.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14905 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
CaseyInWPBFL
♂ Member
Member # 19117
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey what a great thread.

So far I've only seen one other guy posting on this one, but then again there aren't so many guys on here anyway.

So many of your situations are just like mine. My D-Day was Feb 1st (her affair was with a co-worker and lasted nearly 18 months) and we've been all over the rollercoaster since then--two months where I was emotionally devastated and she stayed beside me out of guilt. Another few months where we went to therapy together and singly, and tried to connect with each other again. That meant me texting her, telling her I love her continually, sitting with her close to me at night, but not much sex. Most of the effort was on my part since she was still "getting over him and her sense of loss". Still, I thought things were breaking through until she finally told me that it was all just too much work. Like she felt she was being forced to be intimate when those feelings just weren't there for me.

So, here we are. I've made it clear to her that I won't settle for a loveless and sexless marriage. She, on the other hand, is OK for us to be friends and companions. We're in IC, but hers seems to focus on the past and all the problems her father caused for her, and while I understand that it's important to get to the root of our issues, I also think there are affirmative steps that people can take if they want to.

So, my point (I guess) in writing all this is that we guys crave attention and love and an emotional connection just like the ladies do. Maybe we aren't as demonstrative about it, but when it's lost after 20 years of marriage there is a huge void.

Sadly, my wife seems to think that I should be content with what she is willing to give me. When she feels loving she can be loving, and nothing makes me feel alive inside like that does. But she so rarely shows that to me anymore that I've all but given up hope on our marriage.

What I haven't given up hope on is myself though, so that and my daughter's welfare have to be my primary concerns.

Thanks for listening! Time to go for a jog and burn off some of this energy!

KC


Me: BS 50
Her: WS 51
Date of Discovery: Feb 1st, 2008
Married 20 years.
15 month affair between her and co-worker.
One teenage daughter.
Status: Working on recovery

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: West Palm Beach, FL
me+6
♀ Member
Member # 15035
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long do we let ourselves stay in this relationship and cause us this much pain?

I just don't know what to do anymore.


me-36 WH-37
Married 16 years together 18
6 children (5,7,8,12,14,16)
DDay - March 4th 2007
DDay #2 September 13, 2008 EA
Separated Oct 24, 2008
7/1/09 He is coming home!
Beginning to R

Posts: 694 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: East Coast
cryingwife
♀ Member
Member # 21560
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I knew the answer to that one. Today, I decided to leave my husband then changed my mind. It changes constantly so I'm pretty sure it's not the time for me to make a decision. I'm really tired of feeling like this.

Casey - you're smart not to settle for a loveless and sexless marriage. What's the point of staying married without those two critical items?


Me: 43
WS: 51
DDay: Nov 6, 2008
2 adult kids
Reconciliation is a gift I gave him and he earns it every day.

Posts: 181 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Beautiful Colorado
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC ends every one of our sessions with "why are you staying in this M?" My needs are not only not getting met, they're being dismissed as irrelevant or "too hard" or just "not gonna happen."

SO why? Because I know he can be different. He was for 9 months before Dday and for the year following. He's changed back again since he's "forgiven himself". It never happened.

He appears to try, but it's like he gets just so far and can't cross over into real feelings.

Some thing as simple as empathy. WE were watching a movie where the "hero" was being tortured. My son and I are wincing with every blow and his "privates" were being attacked too. My H was "it's just a movie." Yet he can't watch House or ER because the medical procedures are too real and he winces at them. Weird


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
me+6
♀ Member
Member # 15035
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, November 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often wonder why I stay in this M or why I got into it in the first place. I think the need to "fix" someone, someone who is just like my father (emotionally unavailable) is part of my answer. The part I don't know what to do with is the fact that I have no power to "fix" him.

Another reason I stay is my children. I can still hear the words I said to my mother when I was just ten years old - "why do you get to divorce Dad and I don't."

I want so much for my WH to be a better father than I had. He is already a better Dad but the deserve more.


me-36 WH-37
Married 16 years together 18
6 children (5,7,8,12,14,16)
DDay - March 4th 2007
DDay #2 September 13, 2008 EA
Separated Oct 24, 2008
7/1/09 He is coming home!
Beginning to R

Posts: 694 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: East Coast
dremalou
♀ Member
Member # 204
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, November 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not been on SI site for many years now. I guess I just went thru all the tears and closed down. (All my previous posts have been archived so no real history on me.) So maybe if you read my story that can help.

My question is like so many others here: Why am I in this marriage? Am I sleepwalking?

My H acts as if nothing is wrong and just wants to continue to play nicey nice with each other. If I try to discuss anything he closes down. (I don't ask many questions anymore, I'm pretty shut down myself.)

After reading my story, is there any hope for my marriage? I mean I don't even want sex with H anymore. He tries but I just can't. I mean he is still having this "thing" and probably plans to for the rest of his life. I mean sometimes I think I'm glad that he has the OP as I don't want to deal with him. Does any of this make any sense?

Please I hope someone understands and can read what I'm going thru and give me some insight. I'm in a fog and unable to move left or right. I've been in the middle so long I have no compass.


BW/59 M25yrs, 2gether 31yrs (known H 4ever), D33/gsons/12&10/gdau/2yr
WH/62 East Coast A since May 97/Deep Fog
OW/64 never married only "Does" married men
Where's the man I married?...
Pro 5:20-23...lost w/o God
Ps 119:49-80 PTL

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Northern CA
invictus
♀ Member
Member # 21623
Frustrated  Posted: 11:39 PM, November 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading in the Healing Library, and one article (Are Promises Enough?) said:
Reconciliation may be impossible.
"Impossible" is a word I really don't like to consider, especially since we've known each other for 37 years. How on earth could forgiveness be impossible? It isn't. I forgive him -- but he doesn't want me to.

I realize he may have self-esteem issues, but the bottom line remains, he doesn't want to reconcile, he wants to have sex with OW. If his attitude is that he's looking for a way for marriage counseling to "allow a split" then it's a waste of time and money. He's not "Emotionally Unavailable" to OW. Just to me, and to his family.

I am in this marriage because I love this man. I remain in this marriage because I am financially dependent.

In today's economic environment, a woman over 50 with no college degree and no work history is hard pressed to find an income that will sustain independent living. I'm investigating, but the "possible" looks VERY dismal.


♥ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
CIAGypsy
♀ Member
Member # 21816
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been reading through posts here. Seems like so many of them are the WS who is "emotionally unavailable." In my case, it is my H who is emotionally unavailable. He is both a WS and BS. Reading through these posts, I've been trying to decide if it is his WS side or BS side that is "emotionally unavailable." I've come to the conclusion that he has always been this way and I've just never really known it. He has never been good at dealing with pain or guilt. He compartmentalizes it and locks it away where he doesn't have to face it or deal with it.

What makes things so frustrating for me is that I am not sure what he thoughts are and what is really causing him to be so emotionally distant from me. Is it his anger & pain from my A's? Or is it his inability to deal with his own mistakes in our M? I don't know. But I feel desperate for him to emotionally "connect" with me and he refuses to do so... I'm trying to move on and not let his wall get to me, but it really does a number on my feelings of self-worth.


me - 34 WS first/now BS
DH - 38 BS first/now WS
Married 15 years
4 kids - ages 4, 6, 13, 14
Dday for my A's - 11/28/06
H's Dday#1 - 3/12/08
H's Dday#2 - 4/24/08
False R#1 - 12/14/08 (WH broke NC)
Rday - not sure??

Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Arkansas
confusedbythis
♀ Member
Member # 15455
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, December 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my...another founding sister of this thread here. Haven't posted for a long time...working with IC, separated from WH, spent the summer spinning and spinning and trying the help WH "get it"... Every boundary I tried to place was pushed back, every deadline was not met...all in the name of "too much financial distraction" or "I'm just depressed and need to deal with that first" or "I'm working on it my own way"...

Let me tell you the outcome- I asked him in May to reinvest in our marriage by setting up MC and I would participate, enthusiastically. The entire summer went by while he applied for hundreds of positions online, most of which would take him geographically away from here. In the name of "providing for his family". By Sept. 1st, I had waited long enough and told him that if he did not have a MC appt on the schedule by 9/10, I was done. Of course, he was called out of town for an interview on 9/5 and got distracted (again) and no appt was made before 9/10.

He did really well at the interview and could tell he would get the job. All of a sudden panic set in and he was motivated to go to MC. We went to a few sessions before he left but now he is 3000miles away...where does that leave our marriage????

Someone in an earlier post said her WH compartmentalizes- that is it to a T. I had a meeting with the MC last week (he is having phone sessions with her) & she tells me that in 30 yrs of work she has never met anyone like him. Very difficult case. His ability to "not feel" is amazing to her. I have worked very hard with my IC on my codependant issues and reasons I have chosen men like this to be my partners. I now realize that I have needs too and his issues are not mine. It is so sad because I know he does love me but the depth of his emotional "stuntedness" is what makes it possible for him to go outside our marriage when I am not meeting his needs. That is HIS work to do, not mine. Mine is to not take that problem on and to become the healthiest woman I can be.

My suggestion for all of you is this...do this work for yourself and give your EU partner back his work...you CANNOT do it for them. At some point, they have to decide if your marriage matters enough to them to do that hard work on themselves. It ain't easy...and I certainly am not here to tell you that my M is going to make it...but I feel WAY more like a complete person than I did before!!!!

cbt


BS me
WS older than me
DS- typical teen (from a previous marriage)
DD #1 1995, before we married (how stupid am I...)
DD #2 6.8.07 EA, PA
Divorced June 09...free fron CRAZY-LAND!!! Yahoo!

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: OR
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