Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: molly5 (43147)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
Shotthrutheheart
♀ Member
Member # 17312
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What can I do to get myself to the place where I BELIEVE that I am "Good Enough" with or without him.

brokendreamz, you are good enough with or without him right now. It is he who has the problem. I don't know your story or how long you have been in R but everyone's situation is different. I am three months and one week out from D-day. I feel very strong and know I can make it with or without him. For some, it takes much longer but it will come. You will get stronger and will be able to make a much needed decision.

I completely understand how you feel as my husband is also Emotionally Unavailable. Sometimes, I just want to shake the shit of him!


Me BS: 42
Him WH: 37 (two ONS with same woman)
D-Day: 11/29/07
Married 8 years (second for both) together 9.
1 daughter 5 yrs old
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
http://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com

Posts: 245 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: overseas
Shotthrutheheart
♀ Member
Member # 17312
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since we are all in the same situation here, I have a question for everyone.

Was you WS always Emotionally Unavailable before their A or did they become this way after you found out?

Prior to my finding out, my WH was not this way. He changed once I found out his dirty little secret. So I wonder if this could be part of the fog. Any advice?


Me BS: 42
Him WH: 37 (two ONS with same woman)
D-Day: 11/29/07
Married 8 years (second for both) together 9.
1 daughter 5 yrs old
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
http://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com

Posts: 245 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: overseas
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shotthrutheheart, -

Thank you, my self esteem is in the toilet. I am working on getting my life back and one of my biggest fears is once I do - then it is game over. At least if I stay I know what I have -

My WH has always been emotionally unavailable. I used to love this about him - now I view it as almost psychopathic. To me it is just NOT NORMAL!!

Sorry - I don't have any advice - just hugs.


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was you WS always Emotionally Unavailable before their A or did they become this way after you found out?

But actually before the A I knew he was feeling things and trying not to show them. Now I don't even see him feeling them. It's like he's even refusing to allow that.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband was always emotionally retarded--more so than unavilable (according to the definition of EU). But part of me admired that. He never bitched and moaned. I thought he was strong. And when it did bother me, it wasn't a big deal because he was a good husband to me and I believed he loved me. WRONG.

For me the only change he could have made in our marriage for us to reconcile was to become more emotionally capable. He chose not to do that so we're not reconciling. Perhaps he really can't become better emotionally. Well, that's his loss.

He shouldn't have made the choice to cheat. Believe me, as much as I ache inside and grieve my marriage, he has lost so much more. Now he has come face to face with the fact that because he is so emotionally sick, he is a failure as a human being. Imagine looking at yourself in the mirror everyday and know you are a failure; know you failed your wife and family.


Again, as horrible as it is being a BS, I am so lucky I am not a WS.


Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He never bitched and moaned. I thought he was strong
.

AMEN!! I actually admired his strength I thought there was something wrong with me - because I become upset and actually show my feelings.

As far as reconciliation - I'm not sure. I have given him a list of what I need from him to stay married - and he is not doing ANY of it. The A has either gone way underground or it has ended. Again I'm not sure. The greatest obstacle in my being able to even consider staying married is knowing the truth. I really need for him to "OWN" his shit. My gut tells me it was with a co-worker - however he completely denies this. In fact he even had the balls to tell me that she is really a nice person

The longer he refuses to tell me the truth - the more I fear that when he does - it will be the end

I am taking this time to work on me. I want to be in a position of power - before I file


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken, our fist MC told me he was a timebomb waiting to explode. She explained that holding in feelings for over 50 years was definitely a weakness. She claimed he was "committing suicide by slut." I've said it before and I will say it over and over, I wish he had used a gun.

Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now he has come face to face with the fact that because he is so emotionally sick, he is a failure as a human being. Imagine looking at yourself in the mirror everyday and know you are a failure; know you failed your wife and family.

Can the emotional devoid actually do this? I don't think mine has that happening at all.

And I don't see him happy either that he DIDN'T lose his life, his family, anything. He's a stone.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, as horrible as it is being a BS, I am so lucky I am not a WS.

Skye - it is not "LUCK" it is called integrity
It is a choice - to unzip your pants and sleep with someone who is NOT your spouse


our fist MC told me he was a timebomb waiting to explode
.

Did the MC give you any insight as to "what" might make him explode? I would love to push my WH's (AKA FUCTARD) buttons.

"committing suicide by slut." I've said it before and I will say it over and over, I wish he had used a gun.

The problem with suicide is it tends to hurt the people left behind. And quite frankly I don't want to clean up his mess.


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, after 8 years of therapy, the one thing he has learned is he is a failure. He is very good at compartmentalizing but it does pop up sometimes.

His affair was the explosion. I was sick and supposedly he exploded when he couldn't help me. I don't know. I think it is a lot of psychobabble. He certainly was capable of helping himself.

The hurt of a suicide would not have been harder than the hurt of betrayal for me. Of course, I don't know for sure how I would have reacted. I do think I would have recovered, and if I hadn't, at least I would have gotten support from friends and family. I have gotten very little of that.


Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Needed to Vent:

Was out all day yesterday. Came home to a message from husband. He had a stomach ache all day because of the Governor from New York's confession. He was reading int he "Washington Post" an article about the wives of cheating politicians and felt horrible. But he came home from work and never mentioned it. I didn't either since I will not bring up the affair. What a fucking failure of a man he is. Doubt a suicide by a gun would have had so many triggers for me. (Didn't mean to make a pun.)


Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His affair was the explosion. I was sick and supposedly he exploded when he couldn't help me

I was sick too when he started. He used the same justification...helplessness. It fits, but it adds a certain sharper edge to that knife, doesn't it?

We're in a bitter standoff right now. According to his "standards" I have every justification to go out and find myself a lover. I can't wait for 8 years of therapy.

He turned off the news when anything about the governor came on. I showed him the GMA segment with two of our "sisters" here. He refused to watch and got angry that I even taped it. Said I was looking for excuses to trigger.

Now he has no emotional energy or sexual energy for me because he's changing jobs. That's the "only thing he can concentrate on right now."


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was you WS always Emotionally Unavailable before their A or did they become this way after you found out?

My H has always been this way I just never understood it. After his A, it was hell at first. He didn't acknowledge my feelings or validate them. With the help of MC and IC, he is FINALLY realizing the damage he has done, the hurt he has caused and how very close he came to loosing the only good thing he has ever had in his life - us, me and the kids.

Brokendreamz - you are good enough, he just doesn't realize how good you really are. There should never be a competition in a marriage. You are his wife and should never feel like you have to compete with some else. I felt like that at first until I really stopped to think about it. I compared myself to OW. She obviously has no morals, values, integrity, self respect or a brain for that matter! I am a much better person than that and I thought if my H wants someone like that then have at it. He would ultimately be the loser. He would have ended up with some one that would probably cheat on him and he would probably continue to be a cheater.
Don't torture yourself by thinking that she is better than you. SHE IS NOT!!!

Your H owes the all the information of his A. I got the trickle truth and don't know that I still have all the details but you have to set some boundaries. If he is not willing to tell you who it was and any info about his A, then he is keeping it alive. He is putting his A and the OW above your needs. That is the most unfair thing a WS can do to a BS. It makes you start to think you are crazy. You play mind movies that are more than like worse than what really happened. Has he had any real consequences for his actions? If not, he will continue on.

Now he has come face to face with the fact that because he is so emotionally sick, he is a failure as a human being. Imagine looking at yourself in the mirror everyday and know you are a failure; know you failed your wife and family.

I'm not sure what the hell happened but my H has had a few light bulb moments. He has hit rock bottom and has realized that he did fail me and our kids. I think most of all, he has realized that he has failed himself. He is SO willing to learn and grow from this horrible nightmare.
We are 18 mos. out from dday #1 and just within the last month has he really opened his eyes. I have felt like I was fighting against a brick wall until now.
I wish I knew what happened inside of him to finally see the light so that I could share that with you guys but I have no idea. It is not something that I did, it is totally him! Well, maybe the fact that I told him I was setting some kind of time line, guide for myself and if he didn't get his shit figured out then we were done
But, I have said that before. Maybe he saw that I wasn't bullshitting him this time.

As for his progress, that is exactly what it is - his. I am trying to work on my self. I have been very emotionally dependent on him and I am trying to find my way so that I can learn to depend on myself for my own happiness!

I am reading a book called Women that love too much. Holy shit, what an eye opener. I am so that person, I just didn't ever realize it.
I would suggest this book to any of you that feel like you cannot be happy unless you are with a man. I have always has a fear of being alone and being abandoned. It specifically states in the book that women that love too much are drawn to emotionally unavailable men. It is very interesting and I think it will be a good guide for me to see things about myself and make some appropriate changes to better my self esteem.

Being with men like this really sucks! It is emotionally draining. I wish you all peace in your journey!


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay I think I completely F**cked up! WH has a business obligation approximately 40 minutes away from home on Thursday & Friday. Well today he called and "asked Permission" to spend Friday night at a hotel. His logic was he wanted to continue with business on Saturday morning. And he already has a business obligation on Sunday. I triggered big time - Ended up screaming at him. DUH!!!

We were barely speaking - when I happened to come across the post in general (I hate/rant). I printed it - and shoved it in his face.

Well lets just say we spent the last two hours going round for round. I have the beginning of the truth. It is a painfully slow trickle.

Now I am not sure if we can get past all this bullshit. He was completely taken back by the word "HATE" Again no real emotion - just staring off into space. I told him that I am waiting to see just how hard he is willing to work to save our marriage. And I asked him just "how bad do you really want to save the marriage?" And finally - I asked him what he thought was going to happen when he started the affair. ARRRRRGHHH I feel like I'm going to explode!!!


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, you didn't fuck up. You are reacting to his fuckup.

I just wanted to add even if he was emotionally normal, he would never understand your pain. If he could understand the pain, he wouldn't have had an affair. People who care about others don't decide to hurt them to this extent if they had a clue what "this extent" was. Sorry if that was a ramble.

If you want a relationship with him, you're going to have to accept that he is the man he is. It takes a long time to find some peace with a cheater. I don't know your d-date but be kind to yourself and give yourself time, if you can.


Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Skye

I couldn't sleep last night - I just feel raw. I have had multiple D-days. I struggled for a long time to accept that he was with somebody else. I couldn't believe he could do "that". He has admitted to the affair - and last night I started to get some truth.

Today I just feel raw


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
aokmom
♀ Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to reconcile, tried everything. However, I knew the type of person he was and the type of person he was f**king, and I finally had to admit to myself that the odds were stacked against me. Everytime I tried to talk to him after the separation he would look at me with a blank stare on his face and shrug his shoulders. Almost like "so what? I'm fucking your best friend but nobody's bleeding or has any bruises so what's the problem?" It would just send me into orbit. He was like a piece of plastic and everytime I tried to show him the damage he was doing I would get the blank stare and "so what." People like him only hurt the people that love them on the inside. To me its abuse.


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
confusedbythis
♀ Member
Member # 15455
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a long time since I have posted. I am working really hard in IC and some of the "stuff" that is coming out is pretty amazing. WH is doing his own IC but it appears that his IC is spent trying to figure out a way to get me to go to MC..."I get all this working on ourselves individually, but when do we get to work on US? When do I get my life back?"...

Interestingly, my IC does not want me to go to MC yet. He has been having a difficult time figuring out exactly why I behave the way I do in my friendships/relationships and I think we may have uncovered something today.

Are any of you children of Alcoholic Parents? I can't believe the characteristics of the Adult Child of an Alcoholic...it describes almost every one of us in this forum!!! The fact that we are in relationships with these Emotionally Unavailable people...and struggle to get them to work, many times giving up our own needs in this effort to "save" these marriages...well, it makes me wonder how many of us have similar backgrounds!?...

Seriously, if you even suspect this of yourself, google the characteristics of an Adult child of an Alcoholic...it may open your eyes like it did mine today!!!

(FYI, the characteristics apply to children growing up in any type of abusive home...)


BS me
WS older than me
DS- typical teen (from a previous marriage)
DD #1 1995, before we married (how stupid am I...)
DD #2 6.8.07 EA, PA
Divorced June 09...free fron CRAZY-LAND!!! Yahoo!

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: OR
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes - I come from alcoholic
parents.

I too have thought that my childhood experiences perfectly set the framework for "WHY" I chose my husband - and why I still love him. Simply put - he was the 1st man I felt completely safe with. I could not believe that he would EVER have an affair.


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, my STBX has always been EU.

I have just recently discovered that that is something that I have put up with for years, totally accepted it, and perhaps even encouraged it to some extent (yes my father was also an alcoholic).

Now, I see clearly, eyes wide open that none of these shortcomings of his, be it the EU, the PA or the panic disorder/anxiety he suffered for a yr just prior to looking for an A. Heck, even the addict in him (been a pot head for YEARS), none of it, absolutely none of it can I actually view as "sickness" (as in the vow, in sickness and health) to justify his horrible behaviour.

Bottom line for me is:
He KNEW how I felt about this, he KNEW. And he still chose to act on his (as he puts it) "curiousity". Well, as far as I'm concerned at this point, the saying of "curiousity kills the cat" is 100% true. You were curious what it'd be like to be a single stud out there, f**king all these babes........you made that a priority over EVERYTHING in your life, heck didn't even consider anything or anyone else......not me (supposed BEST friend for 18 yrs), not your precious 3 yr old son, not your/my family, noone but yourself. In my opinion, it takes a "special" type of person to be able to do something like this. Special as in RETARDED.

Oh....then there was "R", where my retarded STBX couldn't still muster up enough courage and BE a man in helping me to heal. He continued to avoid cuz HE felt sooooooooooooo bad, he minimized my feelings on many more than one occassion and he actually, regularly acted out defensively, telling me that I SHOULD leave, add to that the blameshifting comments such as "well, if this is what you want" (speaking of seperation or divorce) etc etc etc. The whole laundry list of things is enough to induce myself to vomitting repeatingly.

I have looked within myself, I have owned my part of the M problems, I KNOW people are all human, noone's perfect and all that. But I guess the A was just a bottom line for me, in my opinion perfection doesn't require you preventing pain from those supposedly closest to you, perfection doesn't require that when you're a married man to NOT FUCK other people.

I am finished, I have lost the love I once had for this "man".

Thanks for letting me vent................


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 626
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.