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User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
survivingslowly
♀ Member
Member # 14214
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing guys, my H thinks everything depends on my mood.

Weepy, I can totally relate to that. With my FWH, its not only about his feelings though, its even about what decisions to make. He always starts a conversation with a question, like "What do you think we should do about those stock options?" (He's the money guy, not me), or "What should we do about.....the basement? supper?, the laundry? vacation?......just fill in the blank.

He never starts with "I think we should.....what do you think?" Ever.

He once dated a cowgirl...he's a city boy, born and bred but apparently all of a sudden, he's wearing cowboy boots/hat and listening to country music!! I mean, wtf? Do you not know who you are? He seems to transform to whoever he's with at the time. Hey, he's a Transformer!


BS-me
FWH-him

dday#1-March/07

Fully reconciled. Life is really good!!


Posts: 310 | Registered: Apr 2007
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"He'd sit there totally unaffected by anything I did or said, even to the point of ending the relationship. It wouldn't "bother" him at all.

Wow, that nails it.

I was talking to my WH about a dream I had in which a woman was exposing herself to him. I asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed - his answer? I wouldn't care.

WTF?

When I asked him early on in R how he would feel if I cheated on him, his answer was...go ahead, I just don't want to know about it. I can't understand why YOU want to know about what I was doing.

This morning I told him flat out that his response (or lack of it) indicated to me that to admit that he would be bothered by me watching another man expose himself to me sexually would, in his mind, show that he was vulnerable, and to him that means weakness, and if you show weakness, you get hurt.

I think that just about sums up his inability to talk about anything - it makes him vulnerable, and he lives in fear of being vulnerable.

When he was vulnerable as a kid, people who were supposed to love him hurt him instead...and that is what he still expects from life, and from me.

Knowing this, however, doesn't make life any easier for me.

Does this sound true to you in your sitch?


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy, your counselor and I have a very different definition of a "rock." I'm not talking emotionally. I will be fine emotionally without him. Living under a bridge with a rock for a pillow is more what I'm talking about.

I will really be in a very bad place financially when I leave. Maybe the frying pan into the fire is a better analogy!

But I don't love my husband anymore and I think that makes it easier emotionally. I still am very angry and sad that my life is what it is now but at least I don't love him. I feel good that I've gotten to this place.

My husband had an affair because I was sick and not in a good mood. How nice it would have been to be married to a man who wanted to help my mood rather than his own.


Posts: 5586 | Registered: Jul 2002
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skye -

Being able to say you don't love your WH is (no 2x4s anyone) a huge step in healing.

I divorced my 1st WH with two young kids, and I managed to get by.

Then I blossomed, and I learned sooooo much, and I was happy.

recognizing that you are done is really important to changing your life.

My X tried to woo me back after his LTA - but the right ingredients were not there to try and rebuild.

We remain "friends" and co-parents.

I don't regret, EVER, walking away from that M.

Just wanted to give you a hug and let you know that it is possible to rebuild a new and better life...which you probably already know


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just poking my head in here to say, survivingslowly, that "Transformer" comment makes me think of an utter *chameleon".

Just sayin'...

Found a very helpful site in dealing with the "Emotionally Unavailable":

lovefraud.com

hugs, everyone


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
beachjack
♀ New Member
Member # 16892
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope this thread isn't dead yet. I've been a member of SI for several months but just found this topic. BINGO. Just like many of you, my WS fits this to a T. I had honed in on his lack of intimacy making it easy for him to have a LTA, but now it all fits together.

I'm a bit disappointed that our therapist hasn't honed into this after almost seven months of marriage counseling.

The time was appropriate to find this; I left for two nights after he made more promises he didn't keep and I called him on it. He became so angry that he was downright cruel. I knew that the situation was becomine volatile and left.

He never once asked me where I was, was I safe, etc. Some marriage, huh?

I've applied for a credit card solely in my name and moved a large chunk of cash into a solo account. I've got to prepare for the future, either way.


Me/BS: 46
Him: WH: 46 (2 affairs; 1995 and a 2-year affair from 2005 until I found out 7/07)
Married: 24 years
Together: 27 years
D-Day: 7/24/07
Trying to decide whether I want to live with someone who is capable of hurting me so deeply.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Dallas, Texas
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beachjack -
I hope this thread isn't dying either. I posted here for awhile but haven't for awhile either.

These men just kill me. The selfishness, lack of compassion, lack of concern about others sometimes just amazes me.

I think my H is between Passive aggressive and being 'normal' and I don't know which is harder

He sometimes acts as if he is really getting it and then will do something so PA that I could scream!

Last week I asked him if he would be interested in going back to our MC for IC and he didn't even hesitate with a yes. I looked up the # for him and he has yet to call. So, I asked him again this morning if he was going to call and his defensive response was 'I told you I would, why do you keep bugging me about it'. I don't think looking up the # and asking a week later is bugging. I responded with 'I don't think I have bugged you about it. You are notorious for telling me what I want to hear and then not doing it. You procrastinate and you know it.' I walked away and so did he.

I think I am going to call today and make an IC appt. for myself. I am reading Living with the PA man and it is awesome! I would suggest that to all of you dealing with someone like that. Lots of good insight!

He needs to go and dig deep to get to the root of this. I know he doesn't like to be like this but he is the only one that can do the work to change it.

Just having a frustrating day and to top it off it is my b-day! Thanks for the frustration ass wipe!


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
beachjack
♀ New Member
Member # 16892
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for responding. I made a list of books mentioned throughout the 19 pages of this thread. I also pulled some quotes and stories from others who have posted.

I think our last blow-up was a double-whammy. I had asked him to have call detail added to his phone bill since it's his busy time of year (he's a CPA). He said he'd do it. He had an overnight trip without me and I wanted it added before that trip. It took me prodding, poking and asking for more than two weeks. He then told me he MAY NOT DO IT and that HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. I was stunned.

If someone is truly remorseful, wouldn't they honor this request immediately? Then the P/A comes out. Once I blew up (uncontrollable sobbing)he told me had added it already. WTF? Why not tell me he did it the day he did it? I would have thanked him, kissed him and he would have earned genuine kudos.

I had decided about a month ago that I was willing to put the affairs behind me and work on us. Things have gone downhill since. I think it's because WS cannot deal with the emotional end of that. It was easy (whatever) to talk about the facts of his affairs. Now that he would have to work on us, he's being a horse's ass.

I plan to get the P/A book and the emotionally unavailable books mentioned on this thread today at lunch if at all possible.

I'm glad to know I'm not alone, but I feel for each and every one of us dealing with this.

Just hanging on by a thread!


Me/BS: 46
Him: WH: 46 (2 affairs; 1995 and a 2-year affair from 2005 until I found out 7/07)
Married: 24 years
Together: 27 years
D-Day: 7/24/07
Trying to decide whether I want to live with someone who is capable of hurting me so deeply.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Dallas, Texas
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beachjack -
Check out this article. Someone on this thread gave it to me. It is quite interesting.
http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

Doing stuff like what he did is the name of their game. They basically torture you with crap like this to put everything on your shoulders. If you can learn how to handle this behavior properly and don't fall for their tricks, they don't know what to do with themselves!

My H is out in his barn pouting! Good, go ahead and pout. I could care less. He is not going to make me feel bad for asking if he was going to make an IC appt. He is a procrastinator and he knows it!

I am going to continue learning and hopefully I will have enough skills to squash his PA behaviors! I have obviously enabled it for 19 years. Not anymore! He is going to have to learn to play my game - being honest and upfront.

I am SO done with this crap.

Hang in there and read up on some books about it. It really is empowering to beat them at their own game


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 12:48 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that just about sums up his inability to talk about anything - it makes him vulnerable, and he lives in fear of being vulnerable.

When he was vulnerable as a kid, people who were supposed to love him hurt him instead...and that is what he still expects from life, and from me.

Absolutely that is true with us as well. And 2 decades of living with an ex who wasn't the warm & fuzzy but zapper type just added to it the original damage of an abusive childhood with an alcoholic dad. So it's very easy for him to still have that "If they say they love me, they will hurt me" button operating all the time, even tho we've been together for quite a while now. Old habits / mindset die hard.

Just yesterday, we were discussing the recovery schedule we have to put in place. When he said he's working so hard he has barely any time during the week, I told him we could cut out the inconsequential chit chat to focus on what NEEDS to be discussed right off the bat. That distressed him. Being long distance doesn't help. He said he enjoys our "inconsequential chitchat" for one, which is understandable because there are no hot seat topics when you talk about the weather & how the dogs are doing. I kept having to point out that with the mountain of issues that we have to deal with, his limited time & the length of time this nitemare has gone on, then we need to make that a priority rather than chitchat.

It took a long time & a lot of anger / defensiveness for him before we really got to the bottom of that. He interpreted that to mean that we would only be discussing the affair related stuff & his new disclosures instead of some other important things that are going on which he interpreted to mean I was going to take off the main topic list.

I finally had to literally remind him that no matter what his ex did, he's with me now & has been long enough for me to have a track record he can compare to what I'M saying / doing. Which he agreed with. And so he also agreed that the following was true:

I love him
I don't like him being hurt
I don't like anyone else hurting him.

He said the same was true of him towards me, & acknowledged that my track record was a hell of a lot better than his for those 3 things, which he apologized for. So then I pointed out that if a topic was important to him, it would stay on the top priority list the way I wanted mine to be there & actually addressed. Now some of it is stuff like how we're getting our taxes done, etc, but some is relationship stuff.

I stressed to him that I make very few guarantees in life but one is that I will not become a mind reader anytime soon, so until he fills me in on exactly what he's thinking instead of operating on assumptions or the foggy thinking that helped create the betrayal chaos we've been in WAY too long, it's much harder to make any progress at all & is extremely counterproductive to anything good being able to happen but the opposite in fact.

He admitted that when he got upset, he should have been more clear about what exactly were his concerns, instead of us arguing for an hr in a roundabout way. So he could have said "I know we won't have much time during the work week, & that the affair related stuff does need to be on the top of the list of what we need to hash out, but I want to make sure we also include yada yada yada on that too, because it will bother me if we don't talk about those things too or I want to be informed about what's going on with that, or I'd like us to set aside at least a bit of time to discuss more than all the things that have gone wrong so we can at least acknowledge the better things going on between us now" or whatever along those lines. And while I can understand why he is the way he is to some extent, I can't be penalized for things that happened to him I had no control over, I can only ask him to take into consideration MY ACTIONS all these years which if he looks at honestly, more than demonstrate that I do care about how he is treated, what he thinks / feels & that if he makes the needed efforts to make that clear to me (either verbally / written), it will be a good thing for both of us because otherwise he will be back to building up resentments towards me that are unmerited with foggy thinking & I will be getting hurt / upset over his stated priorities (wanting to have a good relationship with me & properly addressing all the devastation he's already created) not matching up to his actions (inappropriate anger directed at me, not being fully honest, being unwilling / unable to see my point of view) which will only add the final coffin nails to any possibility of us having a mutually caring healthy life together.

I also kept trying to diplomatically remind him that since we have a roomie here, I couldn't be as clear about what I could say while he was floating around but it took a while to finally get my hints to make sense to him, LOL. That made it much harder.

Like you Skye, I'm not ready to file divorce papers for a variety of reasons & I know he never has wanted that. Even he said he sees it as we're starting over & trying to re-establish our friendship, etc, especially after his admitting what a santized version of the betrayals I'd gotten all this time. But even if we do end up getting a divorce anyway or staying legally married but having separate lives, we can get into a better place with each other which we would like to do.

I did tell him that even when I could tell he was frustrated / very upset & had to tell him to stop aiming his anger / defensiveness at me since I didn't deserve that & wasn't going to tolerate it, he (to his credit) did not revert to his escalating that to hang up on me then ignoring for a days which he has liked to do. He stayed on the phone until we finally did get it hashed it in a good way for both of us. That's a major improvement & he's been sticking to that since he finally 'fessed up how much he'd actually gaslighted & admitted he'd been abusing me all this time. MAJOR IMPROVEMENT.

We both apologized to each other for our part in the misunderstanding in that conversation & were able to continue making progress the rest of the weekend which was also an improvement. He said he did work on the affair timeline some more when we talked last nite.

But you know? It really was worth the effort & I'm glad I didn't just get pissed enough to hang up on him. I felt bad knowing how much damage is in him STILL from his abusers & I'm glad I was able to express myself to him calmly but firmly until we were back on the same page again. It was well worth the effort. Not just because of him, but for me because I was able to step out of the traumatized BS role into much more of what the pre-DDay me was like. That was awesome for me, I hate the person that DDay created & I'd love to have a funeral for that one SOON, which is quite a challenge after all this time, sigh.


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uni, it is amazing how they love chit chat. My husband truly believed we had a good marriage and one reason was he feels very connected to me with chit chat. I don't allow that very much anymore. If he's not going to talk what I want to hear, there's not going to be any talk.

The truth is we share lots in common, be it politics, books, movies, current events, etc. We always had lots to talk about and we both enjoyed those conversations. And before the affair, it worked for me. But now it doesn't.

I was out of town this weekend and when I came home he was in a real pissy mood. When I asked him why, he complained that I hadn't called him. Huh? I had nothing to say to him. He just wanted to be connected to me with chit chat. I have asked him not to call me when we either of us is out of town--that is my time away, totally. He simply doesn't get it. He chose to end the marriage we had. He doesn't like the new rules, so there won't be any reconciliation.

He lost so much.


Posts: 5586 | Registered: Jul 2002
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 2:17 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't like the new rules, so there won't be any reconciliation. He lost so much.

Mine didn't either & fought like hell against them but too bad, too sad, ya know? Mine felt he lost something, but I had to keep pointing out that he got 10 yrs of love & truth from me while I got anything but from him. So my ability to chitchat about anything & everything with the betrayal elephant continuing to tap dance on my heart wasn't real high on my list of priorities. Cuz like you, Skye, we have a lot of things in common we did like to talk about before betrayal hell broke wide open.

Maybe it's a love language thing, mine said he feels "connected" when we have those chitchats. My mind keeps wondering when he will finally bring up the real important stuff & how long he can keep pretending things are normal. It's not that I'm refusing to discuss anything else, I'm just not going to spend an hr on that to have him say "I've only got 5 mins left today for ya, so let's talk about us or the way I gaslighted you for a decade" & have that be OK for him cuz it's definitely not for me. I do agree it was nice since his last bombshell of finally admitting more of the truth to talk with each other more than AT each other, but the crap pile is still piled sky high so until that's cleaned up the way it should be, that's what he needs to work on unless he's willing to have me walk, period.

We'll see how it goes...


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
beachjack
♀ New Member
Member # 16892
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hearing your stories only solidifies that I'm in the right thread!

Since the blow-up last week, the only conversations that have occured are about his work. I don't even want to go to dinner with him because that is all we talk about. I told him yesterday that I wouldn't go out with him if his work was all that we would talk about. So, he talked about other SURFACE crap . Nothing about us, why he's sleeping on the couch, why he's pulling back, etc.

I'm left to play the all-too-familiar guessing game. I'm done with the game playing and walking on eggshells. I did get the Living with a PA Man book and Emotionally Unavailable books. Luckily, B&N had two of three I wanted. I'll delve into that tonight.

I'm so glad I've got you folks to vent to and hear your stories.


Me/BS: 46
Him: WH: 46 (2 affairs; 1995 and a 2-year affair from 2005 until I found out 7/07)
Married: 24 years
Together: 27 years
D-Day: 7/24/07
Trying to decide whether I want to live with someone who is capable of hurting me so deeply.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Dallas, Texas
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Silent Treatment....
Does anyone else get this when shit is wrong in their world?
Since he cant talk about his feelings to anyone he sits and stews.
I get the cold shoulder,silent treatment,whatever.
Things were going good.We are suppose to go to the Navy Ball in April,our oldest gets married in May and one of the other kids graduates in June.Plus to top it off he is suppose to go to Iraq in June sometime.
So he has been a little less withdrawn then usual.
Last week he was put on paid leave from work.Something stupid.
He is afraid of losing his job,but last week he was talking to a friend and saying it was just a job and so on not real worried abut it.Then a few days ago he went into this stupid asshole mood.
I then think whatever it is ,is because of something I did or because of A memories or something.I can never tell though because he wont tell me.
It becomes one vicious cycle.I get pissed at him and want to know what I have done if anything and he then acts like the jerk even more.
Why is it so frigging hard to tlak to your spouse and open up?
Thats what I would like to know?
He had to go to Mississippi today for his annual traing.In a way its good.
I told him this morning it might do him some good to go away,maybe it would wipe that hair across his ass off.
Not another word was said after that.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, February 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our Daughter gets married in May and he is suppose to walk her down the aisle.
I wonder if he has realized that yet?
She asked me yesterday if he was going to show up.
He no longer socializes with my family or his at all.
This has all happened since the A and I dont understand it.
My family didnt do anything to him,they let him alone to do his thing.Didnt try to get involved ,nothing.They stayed out of it.
My grandmother was a bitch to him but she isnt the whole family.
He will not go to parties,Christmas,Thanksgiving,nothing.
Last month was our grandsons birthday and he told my daughter he was actually going and then guess what?
He had to work and wouldnt be home in time.
I had the A but somehow my family gets punished.He had an A as well and acted like a complete asshole,we even seperated.I dont know if he is embarrassed by his actions or what.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
beachjack
♀ New Member
Member # 16892
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm by no means an expert. Heck, I'm not even a novice. After reading the first three chapters of Living with the Passive Aggressive Man, sulking is one their traits. Chelle, that may be the story.

We go to our joint counselor at lunchtime today. I'm afraid that I'll get ambushed with something since he hasn't spoken anything other than surface talk since last week.

I'll check back in this afternoon.


Me/BS: 46
Him: WH: 46 (2 affairs; 1995 and a 2-year affair from 2005 until I found out 7/07)
Married: 24 years
Together: 27 years
D-Day: 7/24/07
Trying to decide whether I want to live with someone who is capable of hurting me so deeply.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Dallas, Texas
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also reading Living with the Passive aggressive man.

Truthfully, I have had anxiety for the last couple of days just thinking about it and how hard it is going to be to curve my H twisted thoughts!

I went to IC (our MC) yesterday and she has a pretty good handle on these types of personalities. I gave her lots of 'for intances' and she agrees with me!

I am just so frustrated with this behavior. I am tired of being manipulated and controlled. He is classic for telling me what I want to hear which puts me on a high and then doesn't follow through which brings me down to a low. Tired of the disappointment. He makes promises that he doesn't keep = disappointment. He does it with our kids to.

Perfect example. 2 weeks ago he told me that he heard a commercial for a Guitar Hero contest here in town. We asked our son is he wanted to sign up and he said sure. So, I called the next day and set him up. A few days before the contest my BIL called to see if my H wanted to go to some snowmobile ice races at a lake about 45 minutes from home. H told me that he talked to our son as to whether or not he would be upset if he (my H) missed the Guitar Hero contest. My very passive son said no, it was fine. So, my H went to the races. Granted it only took my son 1/2 and the races were all day but I asked my son in the car if he was upset and he said yes. I explained to him that he needs to say what he really feels and not let other people walk on him!

This is going to take a lot of effort on my part and I don't know if I am up for the task. It is very stressful to think that I am going to have to change so many things to curve this with him.

I am just beside myself today. We are going out of town this weekend with 2 other couples and I don't even want to go I feel so stressed.

I told IC yesterday that it is so sad that he plays these games because he cannot see all the good that I really have to offer him. I am honest, loving, caring, sensitive, trustworthy, good mom & wife, giving, hardworking person. (gee - good pat on my back )

URGH!!!!!!!!!! just very frustrated. I will not live like this for the rest of my life. Very unfair to me and our kids. IC asked me yesterday what I would do if he doesn't start making some changes. I said I love him very much but refuse to be like my parents and his who both divorced after the kids were grown. I will not waste the next 13 years of my life. Kids are better off with a divorced family then one that is constantly frustrated and irritated!

Sorry, this is getting long! I could write a book but I'll stop here

I feel like I could just scream! I feel like this is torture!


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I can't change his behavior and that I need to change how I respond to him.

My problem is that if I could concentrate on the PA behaviors and my responses, I think I would be fine since I have the knowledge now to do it BUT it is extremely difficult when you add the feelings and repercussions from the A to the mix. I still get angry from time to time and I still get sad.

It is going to be difficult to deal with both situations at the same time

We had a very long talk yesterday that never got elevated. It was very heart felt from both of us. He immediately called our MC to make his IC appt. I did not push him into calling, he asked for the # and he called.

We discussed how frustrated I am with all of this. I told him that his PA ways are keeping him from receiving the best parts of me. I have SO much to offer but he is not always willing to accept because of his need to reel me in and then push me away.

He has a horrible relationship with his mother and we discussed that alot yesterday. We talked about when he was a kid and how she treated him. Never praised, always criticized. I told him that I feel like his image of women all go back to her and that I am not her. If anything I am the polar opposite of her. He agreed wholeheartedly.

He told me that he loves when we have talks like that. I agreed but also added that I need to see actions more than I need to hear words. He said that we need to do it once a week for awhile to really get that connection back. He said (PA?!?) 'come to me and tell me that you want a hour to talk.' I said 'you just did it. You are putting that responsibility on me. How about if you come to me and tell me that you want to talk.' He realized and agreed. So it is on him now.

We'll see - I want this to work just as much as he does. It is going to take alot of effort from both of us.


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WillRecover, please keep us updated if he comes to you to talk. The only thing I asked my husband to do for me after the affair was to come to me every day to talk like that. I would say in the 8 years past d-day he has done it less than six times. My feeling is if he had done that, after a couple of months, I would not have needed it and he would have become comfortable with it and when either of us needed to talk we could have. Good luck.

Posts: 5586 | Registered: Jul 2002
beachjack
♀ New Member
Member # 16892
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will Recover, I'm so happy for you but a bit jealous.

I get, "I love you, but we have problems." Well no $hit. ANd had he come to me when he felt like he needed to step out, would we be in this situation? I am just devastated.

I can't go on like this yet I keep subjecting myself to disappointment. I love him so much and I feel like he's just appeasing me.

His IC says he's not PA. So far, I've gotten the feeling that she tells me to BE HIMSELF (a cheater, liar and deceiver?). I don't know if she's of the "Have it all" mentality, but every time he comes home from his IC, he seems to be empowered and couldn't give a rat's rip about my feelings, needs or desires.

I really think we are headed for a separation and am starting to sob as I type this.

Why is they step out and then they don't want to deal with the mess they leave behind? I, too, have a lot to offer and am getting pushed away.

Our MC went terrible on Tuesday. MC is frustrated with us and feels he's failed us because he hasn't helped us. I'm really not sure where to go next at this point.

I'm going to hop over to the Separation/Divorce board (which I never wanted to do) and do some reading. How can this all be happening the year of my 25th wedding anniversary?


Me/BS: 46
Him: WH: 46 (2 affairs; 1995 and a 2-year affair from 2005 until I found out 7/07)
Married: 24 years
Together: 27 years
D-Day: 7/24/07
Trying to decide whether I want to live with someone who is capable of hurting me so deeply.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Dallas, Texas
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