Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it interesting that a person with low self esteem would have it raised doing something so immoral and unethical? That, alone, is so telling, imho.

Posts: 5589 | Registered: Jul 2002
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fws told me the sex with OW was physical only, doesn't even compare with me.

you would think with him being the emotionally void one I would been the one out having an affair.

Now his ego has been boosted and mine is deflated.

I hate paying the price for other peoples mistakes.

If I can't trust my husband and my friend who the hell am I supposed to trust?


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all your ego shouldn't be deflated. You wouldn't cheat, lie and deceive a spouse and a friend. Your idea of ego needs to be reidentified. Hers and his should be deflated. Yuck.

I have a friend who is a chef. When she compliments a dish I make, my ego is boosted. I have another friend who can't boil water. Of course, she always compliments my cooking. But it sure as hell doesn't boost my ego.

You need to put this in perspective. How pitiful, as I said, that an ego would be lifted by a cheater.

Forgot to say, in marriages where there are affairs, it is usually the one who gives the least who has the affair, not the one who gets the least. At least that's what all the books say.

[This message edited by Skye at 12:41 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 5589 | Registered: Jul 2002
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe your last statement was true. Now I am too tired to give anymore.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that's fine. Don't give.

I promise you it will feel weird, alien to you. It does to me.

Even today, I can't allow him to be the one to initiate sex. I can't just "take".

Yesterday he made great strides in at least appearing as if he was empathetic to me. But I had to LET him, told him how I felt and didn't even try to act strong or like it didn't bother me.

And it did. I hate being clobbered by triggers. I feel like I should be over that, stronger than them, less invested in the two of them than triggers make me feel.

I'm learning to just let go of my need to be perfect, in control, have all the answers. You know THAT's exhausting too.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

15 months from D day and I still am on the emotional rollercoaster from hell.

I love him so much. But I hate so very much what he did. It goes against everything I believe in. And how he lied, betrayed and deceived me has left me broken beyond words.

Rock and a hard place. That is what life feels like now.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC has me doing exercises in session dealing just with the rock and hard place dilemna.

Of course her take is that we're the ones making it hard. We're choosing to look at them like rocks and leaving them as a hard place.
We have to change the way we look at both. Still working on it. One day one of the choices will not seem so hard. And that's when the struggle ends.

Of course infidelity is a dealbreaker. It is. That we have chosen to stay and try is more difficult and mystifying than I ever expected. I had no idea that 2+ years out I would still wonder what they shared, talked about, grieve over years lost.

There has not been one iota of impropriety on my H's part. He's stopped all the borderline behaviors, completely devoted to family and yet....


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy, you are a very strong person. My husbands affair was 10 months and I can barely cope with that, more less years.

I will think about your advice. And I do look forward to the day the day the struggle ends.

I love FWS, but what he has done is just so overwhelming, I honestly don't know how to live with it.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

feelsodeceived, not everyone can be strong. Don't beat yourself up over that, too. My husband's affair was 3-6 months after being together 35 years and 8 years later every day feels like it happened last week.

I did stop loving my husband, though. I'm sure it is much harder when you still love the WS.

I miss the marriage and the life I had, but I've adjusted to losing him. I still can't believe he did this to me.

And Weepy, I couldn't use your IC. I think there are definitely rocks and hard places. I'm not saying you don't have to adjust to them, but to say a rock isn't a rock doesn't work for me. It seems dishonest.


Posts: 5589 | Registered: Jul 2002
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skye,
It was all about the attention I was getting at the time.
I had no idea what was really going on with myself.Now I know because I have thought about it deeply and see that I still am married to an emotional unavailable man.
I loved my H and still do.
Each time I had been with the OM(2 times) I still felt it was not enough.
He didnt give me what I was looking for either.
I fell for the oldest trick in the book.
But today I can say it wont happen again.I still live with the EU man and will until I can leave or who knows maybe some revelation will happen to my spouse(yeah right)
The A wasnt the answer.I just need more.Not by having an A.
I see others here saying that there spose has become this way since their A but my spous has been like this.
And as far as giving the least,I could say I have given the most.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chelle, I try to understand the choice of the WS. I guess for me it is hard to understand why anyone would do the one thing that can only hurt a marriage and want to keep their marriage. I certainly can understand an exit affair and wish my husband had had one.

I do think if one is needy and married to a EU spouse, it isn't going to work.

I hope you are getting something from him. Or else you have a long time to be unhappy.


Posts: 5589 | Registered: Jul 2002
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skye, like you I have also tried to put myself in the WS, but still don't believe I would ever have made their choice.

I wasn't happy, I lived with an EU man, I had opportunity, but I was married and had an obligation to my husband and children to do the right thing and not commit adultery. Either work on the marriage or get out.

When I realized my marriage was truly on the rocks(FWS affair had already started)I told FWS I wanted MC and he refused, blamed everything on me. So I made an appt and went myself, I bought books on how to save my marriage.

I just can't fathom why everyone doesn't take that route instead of cheating. I will never be able to wrap my brain around it. cheating does not solve anything, just causes innocent people alot of undeserved pain.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave FWS the book "How can I forgive you." and gave him the section on true forgiveness to read. I told him to read the section that pertains to him and what he needs to do to obtain true forgiveness. We will see what happens.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there anyone - I had no idea that this thread existed...

AFter 6 months of dealing with this crap, I can honestly say that Mr. HT is an Emotionally Unavailable man...and I am wondering why the hell I think that is ever going to change....


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll try to be positive for you. He's very young. It seems to me you can still break bad habits of his. But he has to have a good therapist who knows how big a problem that is so it can be worked upon. Is he in IC?

Posts: 5589 | Registered: Jul 2002
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. We went to MC for about 2 months after d-day.

He insists that he is not going to dig through all the crap in his past - that he will just continue to move forward and keep going. He says he "knows what he has to do" and feels that that will be sufficient.

I am going back to IC, to figure out how/if to continue on in this situation.

I can say he IS making tiny baby-steps as far as dealing with his life...I do see small changes here and there.

But as far as I am concerned...

He hates it when I talk about my feelings.

He doesn't get angry anymore, he just doesn't respond.

I don't want to live like this.

ETA - I feel more like his IC then his partner right now...

And I am suffering through my own crap while trying to help him deal with his - I feel like I am trying to hold this relationship up by myself...

my arms are tired!

[This message edited by healingtree at 11:53 AM, January 25th (Friday)]


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't change him. And he can't change himself without help, imho. If he wants to change, which I think he needs to do for you to want to reconcile, he has to do the right thing. Your arms are only so strong. You shouldn't be his therapist or his parent. You need to be his partner.

Posts: 5589 | Registered: Jul 2002
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was working on me, I realized that, and let go of my attachment to him and our relationship on a day to day basis...

But living together and dealing with life together, it is hard to not get sucked back into that attachment.

I guess I have to differentiate between what I want to happen, and what really is happening - who I think he can be, and who he is.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

healingtree~~

"I feel more like his IC then his partner right now... "

"And I am suffering through my own crap while trying to help him deal with his - I feel like I am trying to hold this relationship up by myself...

my arms are tired!"

Ok, I could have written THAT word for word too!!! Good on you though healingtree for seeing this now (I think you said you're 6 mos out) It took me over a freakin' year to realize this about my WH. Just soooooooooo many years that I played this role (the "she who takes care of all role") that was a hard habit of MINE to break. I SEE it clear as day now, but I'm scared of falling back into it if we try to R living together again, I'm just too into trying to help people sometimes.

It's all so very hard......... :-( Especially when you (if like me) used to really LOVE and enjoy taking care of all and "help" people. Shit, even my profession is about helping people, it's something that I like to do......VERY little desire to do so with my WH right now though, not after having GIVEN for so many years, then giving some more in trying to help us/him for over a year of this "R". Something ELSE has got to give in this situation, c'mon now!! LOL

Sorry for the mini vent, can you tell I'm trying to stay strong and grounded for ME???


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, January 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but to say a rock isn't a rock doesn't work for me. It seems dishonest

I told my IC I didn't see it the way she did either. But she's saying when I make a choice to commit and love FWH, to let go of the anger and resentment and sadness, that will become the easy decision. If I decide to leave, then I will build a life for myself, my children, open myself up to new things, then that will become the easy choice. Whichever I choose will make the other choice "the rock".

I just haven't chosen. As much as I love my H, I don't know if I can stand his inability to grasp even the slightest nuance.

I watched The Breakup today. Probably not the best choice, but I'd heard that it pretty accurately portrayed the misunderstandings and miscommunications that can lead to the breakup of a relationship and I have to tell you, my H is the Vince Vaughn character. He'd sit there totally unaffected by anything I did or said, even to the point of ending the relationship. It wouldn't "bother" him at all. Won't spoil anything, but even the ending made me cry. To see him still void of being able to express his needs, desires.

One thing guys, my H thinks everything depends on my mood. A few weeks ago he texted me and asked what was for dinner because he was hungry. I told him and asked if he was horny too. His answer as "depends on you". Now, wouldn't you KNOW how you felt? He could have said "not particularly" or "yeah". But he left HIS feelings up to me to decide. I never realized how often he did that until that time. Then I started paying attention... We didn't have sex one afternoon he was home because "you didn't seem to be in the mood". What about him? Was he? He said "not when I saw you weren't". I had no idea he was even interested... this was all news to me. I was just doing my usual chores, not angry, not detached, just normal. He also asks me what I think about food before he'll venture an opinion. Anyone else?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Topic Posts: 626
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.