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User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
napewastewin
♀ Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this sounds terrible, I have dealt with his aloofness for so long, I am starting to question my marriage and why I stay. I know I love him, I just can't see myself not getting what I need till the day I die, He will never change. I have put such a fence around me that I just don't have much of a life anymore....Why do men treat their wives like disposable goods. If something new or better comes along woohoo, just toss her aside.......


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's any consolation to you, remember the man you married will treat every woman he is involved with exactly like he is treating you.

Like infidelity, cheaters cheat because of who they are.

Emotionally unavailable men treat people like they do because of the way they are.

I truly believe there is nothing you can do to stop a cheater and there is nothing you can do to make an emotionally unavailable person available.

It it all inside of them. What you and I need to learn is how to treat ourselves and handle our situation to benefit ourselves.


Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
napewastewin
♀ Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, January 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skye, you are right, I need to find my own life....((Skye))


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone!

Just thought I'd give you all a quick update on our trying a temporary S as part of R. It's been a week now and I'm feeling really good actually. I feel peace, Even though I know the A was crossing my boundary (bottom line) in itself, I think MORE SO with me the continued selfish PA/EU, lies by omission type of behaviour is MORE of a boundary or bottom line. I'm very happy with my decision and so glad that I followed through. I feel very good about myself, and hey, isn't that what life's all about. I'm BACK.

WH and I are still spending family time together as we have a darling 4 yr old son, tonight after MC we even went on a date for dinner afterwards and it was really nice.

I do feel myself emotionally disconnecting from him, that need to want to fix, that need to want to TRY, I just don't have the energy right now. He tried to initiate sex at the end of our evening tonight, but I explained to him that I'm not ready to give at this point, not this early in the S. That's when we were in R, this ISN'T R. He understood. I told him that I've been hurt sooooooooooooo many times, and then during R, I'd just get back up on that horse and very often we'd make love and I'd actually feel disgusted with myself the next day. I felt like a cheap whore. NOW I know why I felt that way. What do whores do??? Oh right, they just have sex, they don't value honesty, trust or committment......that was WHY I felt like a piece of meat. That's NOT me. He did understand and respected my wishes, I refuse to lose myself in order to preserve the M, I know I won't be really happy. I will not disrespect myself or let anyone called my "H" disrespect me, won't enable it anymore. I only hope this sense of loss for him (not just the sex, but the being apart) is enough incentive to make him make changes for HIM. He was a little taken aback I think, I can honestly say that in nearly 19 yrs, I don't think I've ever turned him down for sex.

PS. The MC said that he advises to try to not let the S go on for much longer than a month, he said that it may be harder to reconnect. I guess I'll assess how I feel about wanting to try full throttle R again in a few weeks. What do you guys think??

Ok.......turned into a big update!!!

How is everyone else on this thread doing????

Me-BS 34
Him-WH 32
1 darling 4 yr old son-who has seen and heard WAY TOO MUCH for his young age
Dday#1-Aug 06-I found evidence and learned of 25% of A's
Dday#2-Nov 06-WH confessed other 75% of A's
Seperated, but still working on R..................taking a much need BREAK from the roller coaster from HELL


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think separating is one of the best things you can do. There is a very good book called, "Should I Stay or Go: How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save your Marriage." The author is Lee Raffel. It actually helps you write a separation contract with what you and your spouse expect from the separation. It might be a good tool to use with your MC.

My husband decided to cheat while we were planning our daughter's wedding--she married in my wedding gown, which she threw out when she found out about her dad, but that's another story. lol I was not in a position to separate at that time. I didn't want to destroy her day. I wish we had separated. I don't think we would have reconciled but I think we would both be healthier people.

You are both young enough to go your separate ways and start over. Perhaps your husband will turn into the man you want but if not you know you are doing what is right.


Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Skye, I will definitely take a look at that book!


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
survivingslowly
♀ Member
Member # 14214
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hellonearth; You sound sooo good!

That's great to hear how free and at peace you feel.

FWH and I had been separated for 9 months. We're R'ing now and he's back in the house, just as of the holidays. In fact, he's giving up his place at the end of this month.

I completely hear you on the sex thing. For me, its off the table until we deal with the intimacy factor. I completely relate to your feeling of being as piece of meat as that's exactly how I felt too. Its worse to feel like a one nite stand with your spouse b/c you have different expectations of intimacy and closeness, but it never happens. If that's the way it will be, then I would rather have a one nite stand...at least then, I wouldn't expect any closeness or intimacy, kniw?

I've explained it to H that when there's intimacy outside the bedroom, we will feel it and sex will become a natural extention to that.

Before dday, it was me who never felt like sex....and I felt there was something wrong with my drive etc. Since then, I've realized that I'm normal and healthy and I have a great sex drive....I just don't want to have sex with my husband!!!

No, I'm not having sex with anyone else (except myself
) but at least I know that I'm normal and that my low sex drive before likely had so much more to do with feeling like a piece of meat, than a cherished and loved wife, which I've never ever felt like.

So, we'll see what this next chapter briongs. He's getting much better in confronting conflict and being more *himself* as in sharing more of who he is. I'm the one who holds back now as I think I'm unwilling to be vulnerable to that kind of hurt again. We're going to see a new MC this weekend, so hopefully, some new insight will help me to move along on this end.

Keep up the good work in what you're doing. It sounds pretty healthy to me as far as how you're spending time alone and also family time with your son.


BS-me
FWH-him

dday#1-March/07

Fully reconciled. Life is really good!!


Posts: 310 | Registered: Apr 2007
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He must have read some of the email I sent him because hes been acting a little different since he came home on Sunday.Either that or he just missed me.That I know he does when he has to go to his weekends away.
We lived close enough to the Base before and he was able to come home after drill each day. Now he has to go to Mass.for drill and has to stay there for the weekend.
He likes sleeping with me anyway,misses me when hes gone.
He has been acting a little more affectionate since hes been back ,but now I will be gone fore two days,watching the grandson.
I think he might have even wanted to have sex last night{geez}but he was tired from working over time.Plus its that wonderful time of the month for me and sure dont feel like doing ANYTHING then. Drinking is down too.
Deployment maybe sooner than later.I know they are getting stuff ready and practicing convoy stuff.

[This message edited by chelle1966316 at 9:55 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, January 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had an inciteful discussion with my IC last night. I told her I used to view my H as a guy with a hard candy shell over a bunch of gooey stuff underneath. That gooey stuff was accessible with a little pressure.

Now it feels like he's built 6' thick concrete walls around the gooey stuff.. if there is any gooey stuff left in there.

That's what I need to know... is it still there, or am I looking at nothing but stone and brick.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, January 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy:

"Had an inciteful discussion with my IC last night. I told her I used to view my H as a guy with a hard candy shell over a bunch of gooey stuff underneath. That gooey stuff was accessible with a little pressure.
Now it feels like he's built 6' thick concrete walls around the gooey stuff.. if there is any gooey stuff left in there.

That's what I need to know... is it still there, or am I looking at nothing but stone and brick."

I could have written your post, my friend, word for WORD. Except, I didn't need to have the convo with my IC, reading your post was enough!!!

Also a HUGE thing that I struggle with that is in our past pre-A on important issues, where I THOUGHT I was applying gentle pressure (and I WAS gentle) I would ask such questions as "How do you feel about _____" or "What do you think?"....all open ended, my WH would say "yes" to whatever I was proposing, tell me what I wanted to hear, and then......you guessed it, resent me for it. All this came to a head and.......hence off to fuckfeast land for him.

Now, who resents who????

No freakin' wonder I don't know who he is anymore????!!!! Now, I totally understand why I feel that way, totally understand, the man never consistently shared himself with me (or anyone for that matter).

Ok.....nuff said!! LOL

[This message edited by hellonearth at 4:23 PM, January 17th (Thursday)]


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I brought the IC subject up at MC last night. Sat there and watched him cry as I spoke about how tender, sensitive, responsive he used to be. How his "wall" made me feel unsafe.

He said he was comfortable behind his wall. Outside he felt helpless, out of control, frightened, puzzled.

We didnt' get into it any more than that, but I plan to talk to him alone this week since there's no MC next week.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy, I have found with my husband that what I need to feel safe makes him feel unsafe. He chooses to feel safe. That tells me he chooses his feelings over mine which goes back to why he had an affair. He made a choice that made him feel better rather than me.

How do you separate their emotional problems from their character?


Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skye,

That's a great question, I'm also curious. I don't know if my WH's emotional problems were always there and he just used to drown them in marijuana, he used to smoke quite a bit. He cut down dramatically ahhhh.....about 2 mos before seeking an A.


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
movingonandup
♀ Member
Member # 17820
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that my husband is emotionally unavailable is why I can't even consider reconciling with him. He has not shown any remorse, compassion or empathy to me or our kids. He only blames me for everything. I'm having a hard time continuing to talk to him because the conversation always turns to the same crap. He refuses to do anything to help me heal...it's so hard to believe he is being so cruel. I want to try and figure things out and he can't even help me with that, so I know it's time to let go and accept him for what he is and move on.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Indiana
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skye, all, I'll try and respond to that but won't have an opportunity until later, maybe tomorrow.

Quickly, I think you have to look at who they were before the A... long before the A. I knew my H had "issues", he fought constantly with his mother, he was a dreamer who couldn't follow through on his dreams, he let ME decide everything, he was very slow to commit.

It's just now I know that love and compassion won't 'cure' those issues.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can you really change change an emotionally unavailable person?

My husband is exactly this. He is a big time compartmentalizer.

MC and IC says that is the way he is and he can't change it.

Had a happy childhood, no problems.

I don't think we can change people They are the way they are. You can work on better communication, but you can only change so much in a person. That is my belief.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just another quick thought... these people have never been out from behind those walls. They don't know what's on the other side.

I think I'm going to try and convey that to him.

Like for instance, appreciating the bright sunshine on a bitterly cold winter's day. All he sees is how damn cold it is and when we retire, we're going somewhere warm, and wishing and hoping the day away.

Outside the wall, I can appreciate the unique shadows the winter trees make on the street. I enjoy the moments under the covers, warm and snuggly, the hot cocoa.

The difference.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is very positive actually. Never complains unless it is something awful.


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband never complains. He is never negative. He sees the world through rose colored glasses. But I don't think he experiences true joy or true sorrow. He is an equally emotionally unavailable--gord or bad.

I've never heard my husband say a bad word about anybody. I've never heard my husband complain he has a head ache. The therapists all said that was very bad--a weakness in him. I mistakenly thought it was a strength. I hate whiney complainy people--he wasn't one of those. But I guess there is a middle road.


Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does my emotionally retarded husband scream at a tv during a football game????

Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
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