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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, December 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chelle - I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and I understand. Men like this can be very frustrating to deal with. I have felt very lonely at times too. I am trying my darndest to change how I respond to him. It does make a difference sometimes but he gets frustrated with me when I call him out. Hopefully, I can continue to make him aware of his behavior and he can see that my response is different than he has expected from the past.
I refuse to live like this forever! I have learned that people will continue to treat you badly if you let them. I'm not going to let him anymore!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS & (((HUGS)))


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
bliss-NOT!
Member
Member # 15005
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, December 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the BW and I am the one who is now emotionally unavailable. I am tired and drained from trying to get remorse and acknowledgement from an NPD so in self-defense I have withdrawn from him emotionally. He now says that if anything leads him to cheat again, it will be this (oh and the fact that I just don't cream my drawers for him like I used to).

Posts: 788 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Bowels of Hell
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the point of being with someone like this?Its just killing yourself.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

chelle - we are going back to MC to figure out how to deal with this. There is a point - I know there is - I am just trying to figure it out! I am not a quitter, I will not give up until I know that there is nothing left. I am a VERY stubborn person and I will fight to the finish so I guess I will let you know when I am finished. Either I will find a way or I will die.
My mom has always told me that 'where there is a will there is a way.' That is my philosophy right now. This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life.

I feel like a failure but I know that I am not. I know that I will know when enough is enough and I am not there yet. I just need some direction from someone else!

((((HUGS))))


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
hester
♀ Member
Member # 12288
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

chelle was it always like this?

Do you remember what it was like when you first got together? Didn't you think of him as your best friend then or did things gradually change.

If they can change one way they can surely slowly change again.


Posts: 370 | Registered: Oct 2006
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, December 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never thought of him as my best friend but my husband.
We have had a troubled relationship since the beginning of time.Yes there have been good things but he was abusive in the past and angry and on and on.
I believe it has to do with his upbringing.
I really didnt catch on to the shutting out part until about 1990 ish.
Maybe I am just nuts.
He would work,come home sit in front of the tv and drink until ready for bed.
Maybe having the kids and not paying enough attention to him made him back off too.I dont know.
I know I started feeling crappy about us about this time.
He has never been a talker to me but his friends ,yeah and then when when we were seperated he sure as hell talked to all his bar fly,loser friends and hos,but know its just back to the same.
Comes home, goes to the room turns on the computer,and sits there like a fucking zombie.
I can see coming home and doing that for a little while but for the rest of the night come on.
There is no offer to watch tv together,nothing.
If I try to get something out of him,like going up to him and hugging him or just touching him he gets all annoyed.
So lately I just sit to myself and do whatever.Let him sit there and wither up.
Some nights he drinks enough and passes out and Ill go to bed.
Its a vicious cycle that I dont care to be in the rest of my life.
Some days I can handle it but then other days I just want attention so bad I could bust.
Yes, I felt like this before my A.Not just bad about the lack of attention but everything else on top of that.
I feel like I am so alone.

I once had a guy I work with mention something about living alone and being lonely.
I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying you can live with someone and still be alone or feel lonely.
But that thought just keeps going through my head you know.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, December 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

chelle, I wonder too why you are still in this situation. It's the same Q my IC asks me all the time... if it's so awful, why am I still there. If my needs aren't getting met, if he doesn't connect to me emotionally and I'm still lonely WITH him, why am I still there.

I'm not sure if I was 40 with my kids almost grown that I would still be here.

So I'm trying to have my life within this marriage. If he wants to come along with it fine, if not, he can sit back and watch and be miserable.

I know you want to help him, but if he can't or doesn't want to help himself, there is really nothing you can do. Have you tried to plan things for the two of you? My H and I resorted to old board games to FORCE some interaction. And it's not pleasant doing that with him either, but it got him away from the tv and video games.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am here because I am stuck.
Emotionally and financially.Does that make sense.I am the oldest daughter of two recovering alcoholics.That should explain it too.
Hell if I could afford it I would try to go on my own.It would behard I know but I could do it.
I know when we were seperated a few years ago,it was hard at first but after a while it started to get easier.
My sister just got divorced last week and said the hardest part was the beginning.
I see my future alone.Or at least without him.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
napewastewin
♀ Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Weepy, I will check back to see If I have found the right place.


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my needs aren't getting met, if he doesn't connect to me emotionally and I'm still lonely WITH him, why am I still there.

I ask myself that too.
Sure, there are financial reasons for why I haven't left.
But I still try to engage him emotionally and I don't understand why I still do that when it inevitably ends up hurting me.

There seems to be this thread of hope in me that isn't ready to give up yet. It is completely irrational and, sometimes, I wish that hope would just die.

He's leaving for Iraq later this month. He's scheduled to be there for a year. That hopeful part of me hopes he'll have some sort of epiphany while he's over there, something like he'll miss me so much he'll finally feel like opening up to me. Maybe he'll come to appreciate my company in the lack of it.

But I'm not holding my breath.


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
napewastewin
♀ Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my needs aren't getting met, if he doesn't connect to me emotionally and I'm still lonely WITH him, why am I still there

I guess in this I figure his A has already done so much damage, why let it finish what it started. I cling to what we were and to what I wish my family still was. His A has harmed all his relationships, with me and with his sons although our sons were never told directly.


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sunlil,I can realte to what you said.
Its like chasing your tail round and round and round.
You still see that glimmer of hope.
My H is suppose to be deployed in June,possibly Iraq or somewhere near.Hes learning the language so I would assume thats where he is going.
For some stupid eason I think the same thing.That maybe he will change for the better not the worse.
Maybe he will miss all of us so badly and realize I am a good,loving person.
Maybe it would be easier to make up my mind if I could financially live on my own.
I wont uproot my kids again.I had to when we seperated and it hurt them bad.I cant do that to them again.
So I stay here.Partially dead emotionally myself.
It cant stay like this forever though.I am need of some emotional conection with a man,a mate.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
baddream
♂ Member
Member # 15833
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted you all to know that women can be like that as well. My ex-was very removed emotionally. Everything that people are describing here (mainly about men) could be said about her. What causes this behavior in people, and what can they do about it?


be strong for those that care for you

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2007
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know what happens.
If I asked him he would blame me and my A.The thing is he has been like this for a while.
Thats why I feel the way about myself and why I had the A.

There wont be another A,I will leave first to find someone else.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, January 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking about his "emotional unavailablity" and why I stay.

He's wonderful with our daughter, she's Daddy's Girl. He's also amazing with our niece, she absolutely adores him.

He does not have the same type of relationship with our son. DS has a learning disability and emotional issues and my H struggles with trying to relate to him. But he does try, he makes the effort and when our son has issues at school my H is always there trying to get them to do what they're supposed to do.

He is always willing to lend a hand if someone needs help. He's kind to animals and spoils our pets rotten.

He's not a monster. He is just completely unwilling and/or unable to meet my emotional needs and when I press the issue he becomes angry and mean. He lashes out when I ask for comfort and reassurance. So, I'm left feeling unheard, frustrated, hurt and lonely.

After 16 years of this, you'd think hope would have died by now or I'd have found some way to just accept that this is who he is. I don't understand why I keep doing the same thing hoping I will get a different result. (Yes, I know that is the definition of insanity.)

Sometimes it is impossible to make any sense of this.


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But see I cant say that.He ignores most of us most of the time.
Our oldest will come over with the grandson and he will stay in the room on the computer.He will poke his head out to say hi but other than that he stays there.If her BF comes with them then he may come out and chat,usually military stuff,war crap or gun stuff.
Its like I guess I have nothing important to say or that needs to be heard.
He dosnt really bond with the other kids either.Just keeps to himself.
His own family doesnt even exist(mom and dad)
I feel bad for them and dont have close contact with them either and dont feel comfortable telling them how he is.I feel like I am betraying him by writting ti his parents or siblings telling them why he doesnt write or call.
Its so shitty.
He wants nothing to do with anybody,like wie all dont count.His own little shut in world.
How do people live like this.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes,I know this just doesnt happen to men.
My daughters,brother in law was married to a woman like that as well.
Shes like a zombie.She evn works at the corner store and has to deal with the public.
She has no emotions what so ever just dead.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
survivingslowly
♀ Member
Member # 14214
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) chelle

Your sitch does sound so extreme. I mean its like he's just completely shut out from the world. Is he social in other areas? Like with his buddies, fellow co-workers?

I can relate to much of what you have said though.

In my case, FWH really is trying to do the right things, but I gotta say, old habits die hard that's for sure.

The issues that keep cropping up now are relationship issues, no longer A issues....which is a bit of a change, I suppose.

But still, its his *way* of dealing with it that is so EU...that's my biggest issue.

For example, eating together as a family has always been important to me...he KNOWS that...really, I mean he *knows* that....but we have never eaten together at supper as a family for 7 years since our oldest was born b/c he couldn't commit to being home on time for supper. This went back and forth about time managment, me not feeling important to him, me not being a priority, to him realizing we couldn't feed the baby that late blah blah blah.

So we adjusted.

Since we're now looking at him moving back in after a 9 month separation, family dinners are just that more important.

Ya know what he said? "I can commit to 5:15, does that work for you?" Btw, he's a business man with a business degree. Uhhhh, let me check with my people and I'll get back to you on that. WTF? For him, he thought he was doing good right? I get the end result after all right? But for me, *never*, and I mean never has he ever said "I want us to eat supper as a family...I miss that. How we can do this? What would work?" OMG, I would fall on my knees if he ever said something remotely similar.

So as far as change, I don't see the old patterns changing yet.

I brought up 3 issues the other night.....by the time I had gotten up in the morning, all 3 issues had been "taken" care of. I should be happy right? NO, its b/c he's a robot and just does exactly what I say....never a discussion, opinion or anything. This kind of EU is what leads to his PA behavior and eventually to an A again down the road. He really doesn't understand and I just can't seem to get him there.

I don't want a robot, I don't want to be the one making all the decisions. I want someone on my level of intellect. I want a partner.

So, my game plan, thus far, is we are in R, but the quality of that R is up to him in terms of intimacy and being emotionally available.

Right now, I'm the one who is EU and I plan to keep it that way. We are not physically intimate and we live like roomates. I've told him that I will do this for another 13 years (our youngest will then be 17) and I'm outta here!!

I guess, its his job to change how I feel about him. I'm not above doing any work, but I need to see some change first in him that he truly understands how his EU/PA and people pleasing behavior affectas me and him and ultimately us as a couple.

sorry to vent but I just felt the need to write this down for myself as a future reference, kinda like a journal. I've stayed away from this thread over the holidays cause sometimes its just too hard because it all hits home so hard.


BS-me
FWH-him

dday#1-March/07

Fully reconciled. Life is really good!!


Posts: 310 | Registered: Apr 2007
napewastewin
♀ Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, January 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted you all to know that women can be like that as well. My ex-was very removed emotionally. Everything that people are describing here (mainly about men) could be said about her. What causes this behavior in people, and what can they do about it?

I wish I knew, I am so very sick of having no one to turn to for emotional support, to hold me or to even feel like someone just gives a sh**


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I knew, I am so very sick of having no one to turn to for emotional support, to hold me or to even feel like someone just gives a sh**

(((((napewastewin)))))


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
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