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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
tlsmi
♀ Member
Member # 6558
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<thanks mods for this>

So, a question about compassion, have you noticed your spouse having little or no compassion for anyone?

Infidelity aside, how about in other areas of their life?

Example:
I remember years ago my SIL's mother passed away. We are at the coffin....I hugged SIL...I walk away and was crying. Not sobbing, just tears.

H says 'WHAT is wrong with you?'

"Ummm, her mother is dead. I had a thought of my Mom being gone one day, and what that would feel like"

Geez. Buy a clue.

[This message edited by tlsmi at 1:37 PM, November 16th (Friday)]


Posts: 2135 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: AZ
HurtingInDenver
♂ Member
Member # 15974
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks weepy

ROBT, her childhood was pretty happy until about a year before we met. Her parents D'd when she was 18 and right before she headed of to college. We met the first month of school and quickly became friends. The next year and a half we were pretty good friends and eventually took our relationship to the "next level".

We didn't talk much about her parents D at the time (we were obviously both a little emotionally immature). However, on both sides of her family, her mom and dad were the only ones to get married (except for one of her uncles who basically ran away from home at 18). From what I can gather, she had a very happy home life growing up, but there were no other "good marriage models" in her family.
Then you throw on the fact that her Ps D happened after they had been maried for 23 years.

Since DDay#1 she's stuck to her guns with the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" phrase. She even says she NEVER was in love with me and we were never more than just best friends who had sex. She says there was NEVER the "spark".

She now thinks the only reason she stayed with me all these years is because I am such a great guy and that she was afraid to dissappoint everyone (particularly her dad) by letting me go.

I don't know what to believe. A lot of that sounds like fog-speak, but she insists she's not in the fog. All I know is I'm left scratching my head wondering how this woman I was so in love with (and she with me) could now be so emotionally void toward me.

I don't know if this makes a difference, but a few weeks ago (through the help of IC) I discovered I have been co-dependent for a LONG time. I'm working now to find my "self" again.

Unfortunately, between her emotionally unavailability and me breaking my co-dependency, there have been a lot of days lately that I feel so detached that I find it very hard to continue with the M.

I just wish she would give me some sign that she is committed to even "trying" to save our M. The sad thing is, her IC, my IC, and our MC all say that the problems we are facing aren't the worst they've ever seen and they can definitely be overcome. We jsut BOTH have to be committed to the process.

[This message edited by HurtingInDenver at 2:02 PM, November 16th (Friday)]


I'm flat out spent, this woman she been driving me to tears
This woman so crazy, I swear I ain't going to touch another one for years -B.Dylan


Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this makes a difference, but a few weeks ago (through the help of IC) I discovered I have been co-dependent for a LONG time. I'm working now to find my "self" again.

Unfortunately, between her emotionally unavailability and me breaking my co-dependency, there have been a lot of days lately that I feel so detached that I find it very hard to continue with the M.

I'm co-dependent too. So is weepy (right girl??? ). How about the rest of you? I wonder if this is also a pattern. We've "enabled" them through our co-dependency to continue their emotional unavailability. (We can "fix" them, you know. )

What do the rest of you think?

[This message edited by runoverbytruck at 2:24 PM, November 16th (Friday)]


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do the rest of you think?

I dunno, better ask him first.

That has been the hardest part. LIke I just wrote to Denver, I ping-pong between being a clingy mess and "oh, are you there?" Sometimes there's so much noise in my head he speaks and I don't even register except like the teacher in the Charlie Brown shows "blah, blah, blah".

Ever get asked a question and then be cut off when you answer because you went beyond "Yes" or "No" ? do you always feel you have to qualify your answers? or even better, when you just answer "yes or no", do they want to know the "why" and then like walk away while you're speaking? It's like they know they "should" ask why, but don't want to hear the answer.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
survivingslowly
♀ Member
Member # 14214
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't want to share. I dont' want to discuss my "feelings". I don't want to be intimate, I want my life separate, but I still want him around. It's really an f'd up feeling.

Weepy; I've been feeling the exact same way.

Since Sept., WH is beginning to do the right things, and one of his big things is being more comfortable with conflict...which he thinks he's doing wonderful at. I think he's doing pretty good too but once at the end of Sept., during a discussion, he jumped up, got defensive and said "I don't know why I bother doing nice things for you".

I remember that conversation had started about where "things are at"....and I was expressing some of my concerns before even discussing living together again. Once again, he didn't "hear" me, let me go on and on ad nauesum, then got annoyed and said I never let anyone get a word in edgewise....which is where the negativity began. Its the pattern. We start talking about something (the content) and he moves away from that pretty quickly and makes it about me or the way I talk (the process) such as going on and on, or the tone etc. So its back to square one.

I haven't started one discussion since the summer. I just feel so done with talking about it. I feel like all my energy has been sucked out of me about all of this. Its a bit concerning because I do know that he's trying but it now feels like he's doing all the work and I'm just too exhausted to pitch in. I wonder if we're switching roles?

I did mention to him that I will likely never invest emotionally in this relationship more than him ever again.

I said "I wonder what would happen if I match you on the emotional investment side of things?"

"Oh yeah, we DO know what happens when I do that. You go fuck someone else...oh yeah, that's riiight!"


BS-me
FWH-him

dday#1-March/07

Fully reconciled. Life is really good!!


Posts: 310 | Registered: Apr 2007
lostinsauce
♀ Member
Member # 15614
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*wavingfrantically*

I'M PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR!

'DEAD' WH HERE!


Me: BS
Him: FWH
D-day 5/07
Reconciled

Posts: 186 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Here
HurtingInDenver
♂ Member
Member # 15974
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We can "fix" them, you know.

That phrase scares me. One of the problems we identified in MC is that I am/was constantly trying to "fix" her. She felt like I was more her father than her husband.

Besides, how can you fix them anyway. Seems to me that's something they have to work on themselves?

I find it interesting too that we're all co-Ds. Just curious, how long does it take to break yourself of it? I've been working on it for about 3 weeks now and am feeling pretty good. I still slip into my old patterns sometimes, but feel like I've made a lot of progress.

Have you heard any successful R stories of people dealing with an EU spouse? I could use some inspiration...


I'm flat out spent, this woman she been driving me to tears
This woman so crazy, I swear I ain't going to touch another one for years -B.Dylan


Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Besides, how can you fix them anyway. Seems to me that's something they have to work on themselves?

I guess you missed the sarcasm in my post. We can't "fix" anyone but ourselves. It was a joke.

Just curious, how long does it take to break yourself of it? I've been working on it for about 3 weeks now and am feeling pretty good. I still slip into my old patterns sometimes, but feel like I've made a lot of progress.

Welp, don't think you're "cured" just yet. You've got a lifetime of ingrained behavior patterns to dissect. And just when you think you've licked it, something will trigger you, and your old codependent behaviors will rear their ugly heads. Honestly, I'm not sure they will ever *REALLY* go away. You just have to keep yourself "conscious" of them and focus on better ways of handling things. You must keep reminding yourself ALWAYS that you cannot control anything but yourself.

Have you read "Codependent No More"? or any other books on codependency?


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
HurtingInDenver
♂ Member
Member # 15974
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's another thought:

I am envious of the other BSs here whose WSs commit to R and feel so remorseful immediatley.

To tell the truth (and I admit I feel horrible for feeling this way), but sometimes I get annoyed when I hear those BSs say that even though their WSs are doing everything right, they still can't forgive them or stop getting angry at their WS. I want to tell them how lucky they are to have such committed spouses (I guess "lucky" is a relative term on SI, since I'm sure none of us consider ourselves "lucky")

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just fooling myself into believing we can actually save our M.


I'm flat out spent, this woman she been driving me to tears
This woman so crazy, I swear I ain't going to touch another one for years -B.Dylan


Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To tell the truth (and I admit I feel horrible for feeling this way), but sometimes I get annoyed when I hear those BSs say that even though their WSs are doing everything right, they still can't forgive them or stop getting angry at their WS.

Hey now...be careful. I'm one of those BSs who's WS is doing everything right and was remorseful right away--with the exception of his "emotional disability", that is...and he "came" with that. --and I am still angry and haven't forgiven yet. It's hard not to judge, I know. But what I've learned in this situation is that I am not you--you are not me. You don't really know their *whole* situation. I've got a LOT to deal with. 3 YEARS worth and a whole lot of UGLY baggage that went into those 3 years. Everybody's different. And everybody's situation is worse--to THEM. And it's ok.

(I guess "lucky" is a relative term on SI, since I'm sure none of us consider ourselves "lucky")

You got that right.

edited to add: To tell the truth, since I dealt with a LTA, sometimes I have a hard time relating to those dealing with ONSs or STAs. So I understand what you're saying.

[This message edited by runoverbytruck at 3:30 PM, November 16th (Friday)]


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
HurtingInDenver
♂ Member
Member # 15974
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a hard time picking up sarcasim in face-to-face conversation, much less online...

I haven't read "Codependent No More". I meant to ask my IC if there are any good books about it. I'll have to check it out. I've feel like I've become the King of self-help books.

I'm actually reading a book called "Passionate Marriage" right now. The first section of the book is about establishing autonomy and independence in your M in order to strengthen it. It's actually helping a lot.

Ironically, WW was the one who originally told me I need to be more independent in our M. I remember thinking at the time what an odd concept it seemed that was


I'm flat out spent, this woman she been driving me to tears
This woman so crazy, I swear I ain't going to touch another one for years -B.Dylan


Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2007
disrespected
♀ Member
Member # 15686
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone! I guess, well actually I know, that I belong here too!

I've been with my WH for 20 years and really had no idea that he was "EU" except for the fact he has never liked conflict and would clam up in a discussion or argument.

MC told my IC WH was emotionless and had nothing to say except yes and no and "fix her". We no longer go to MC and WH won't consider going again. He says he is happy and doesn't have a problem.

WH says he is doing all he can to fix things between us. He helps around the house more, spends more time with the kids, buys me things, etc. However he is not there "emotionally". When I try to discuss the A or my feelings or us his response is he's too busy to talk about it or he has other things on his mind, to not bother him with that. If I corner him and make him at least pretend to listen to me he says absolutely nothing, not a word, it's almost child like.

As long as I don't discuss any emotional stuff then in his mind all is well. I don't think it really matters to him if I am happy or not or have a concern about something, as long as I don't confront him with any of my emotional drama.

All in all, it's a pretty lonely place to be in.


Posts: 550 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From:
HurtingInDenver
♂ Member
Member # 15974
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you robt. I really am happy for those of you whose WS is doing everything right.

I guess my annoyance is really jealousy


I'm flat out spent, this woman she been driving me to tears
This woman so crazy, I swear I ain't going to touch another one for years -B.Dylan


Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All in all, it's a pretty lonely place to be in.

disrespected, this is exactly what I realized after the initial trauma of d-day. I've been very lonely in my marriage all these years without a connection to my H.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You didn't offend me, Denver.

I have to remind myself exactly what I told you alot.

I often think now, "I'm not in their shoes, so I don't know what I'd do or how I'd feel." when before, I'd jump right to judgment. <<shrug>>

Unfortunately (fortunately???), this situation has taught me many "lessons" like that.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
healingheart
♀ Member
Member # 16477
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi is it ok if I join too?

Just read all your posts and I can rlate with everything you all said.I think one of the worst things I realised after DDay was I was actually breaking down too and reaching out to someone who was completly emotionally not there.At the time it was like a nightmare and I kept looking at him and thinking "is this real, is there really nothing in there?"



Posts: 676 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: UK
HurtingInDenver
♂ Member
Member # 15974
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately (fortunately???), this situation has taught me many "lessons" like that.

You can say that again! I don't know if I ever would of made the changes in myself had any of this NOT happened. I'm already happier with myself and there is still room to grow! I just wish it would of come about a better way.

Back to the topic at hand though. Our EU spouses...


I'm flat out spent, this woman she been driving me to tears
This woman so crazy, I swear I ain't going to touch another one for years -B.Dylan


Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2007
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH, EU to the max, Mr. Macho, just sent me an email, and I am floored. We have been together 15 years, and he has never said, or written, anything like this before. I don't know whether to believe it or not. Is he just spewing back what I have told him? God, how jaded am I? Where is my normal? Obvious intimacy issues -- nowhere is the word "love" -- or maybe he just doesn't love me.

The email:

I appreciate all the support you’ve given me in the past and today – Thanks.

You’re a great support of me and DS and many other people in your life – My hat is off to you – Thanks for the support.

You’re a great wife, which I appreciate and I’m saying it again today – Thanks for being a great wife.

You’re a beautiful and loving person – so again you’re beautiful and I’m so lucky to have you in my life.

And I appreciate your hard work and efforts on all levels of your life --- You’re the hardest working person I’ve ever met.

Working on our marriage each and everyday.


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gibbonsrose~that sounds like something my WH would write too. He wrote me a 3 page letter the other day, in response to a 3 page letter I'd left for him, which was full of sadness/anger stuff from me (NOT lashing) just sadness/anger and how I've been feeling....I have found that this is the less FREAK out way to go, as when we actually talk, something always will trigger the convo to go into a SCREAMING match.

Anyways, my point here is, in 3 pages, he acknowledged how hard I was working, stated facts like he feels blessed that I'm working so hard, said he was in pain (but didn't really define it) at reading what I wrote, Now...there I am, sifting through 3 pages and there wasn't even one "I'm so sorry, I feel terrible for what I've done to you" No....."I love you"... Now, he has said alot of these things in the past during our R.....but really, where's the consistency???

[This message edited by hellonearth at 4:27 PM, November 16th (Friday)]


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
survivingslowly
♀ Member
Member # 14214
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG Gibbonsrose; My WH has pretty much said those EXACT words...especially all the Thank You's and how much he appreciates me!! What the hell is with all that?

It seems as though those words would just seem fine to someone whose spouse is there emotionally, but why to those of us with EU spouses, does it seem like more of the same crap?

Weird, this is soo weird. The more of you who post, the more I realize that WH is just like your WS's...its just so freaky.

(still shaking my head)


BS-me
FWH-him

dday#1-March/07

Fully reconciled. Life is really good!!


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