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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: The N.P.D. Thread Part IV
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also fear that there are families full of these nutters! My ex's family (especially the ex mil) told me I deserved everything I got. They tried to make me loose the home etc etc.
When my dd got upset the ONE time she visited them this year my ex-mil said to her "you must stop feeling angry at daddy as it is not his fault". She totally discredited my daughter's feelings.
I suspect where there is one nutter there are many in these families.

Cj - take care my friend. Move carefully agaginst this man.

Bob - they are nuts. All of them. You just keep doing what you do. The kids will see which way is the right way.

Take care everyone.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsa,
I couldn't agree with you more. I think it does run in families. I always said about my XNPDH and my XMIL, the rotten apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.

She helped him hide his affairs and even helped him hide the OC. When I would confide in her and tell her that I feared he had been unfaithful and or having an affair, she told me that I was the one with the problem, that I was paranoid, and by continuing to WRONGFULLY accuse him of adultery, I was the one destroying the marriage. She told ME, that I should get help for my paranoia, which I did. She did this while acting like she cared about me to my face, and helping him hide the baby and HIDE MY ASSETS behind my back.

Horrible, horrible people.

This is why I usually advise to cut your losses and get out. Most of the time the abuse and the damage (financial and emotional) is far more than you probably even realize. There is so much more going on behind the scenes that we can even imagine. The longer we stay, the more damage that is done.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunatly so true Sad. The financial nightmare was something nightmares are made of - I can't believe I have come out of it with anything worth salvaging. As for the emotional destruction - maybe in about five years I could say I have healed a little.
If I could turn back time I would of left at least three years ago. Still I wouldn't make that mistake again!

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, It was recommended I join this thread, that I would be in good hands :)

I did a post in the Just Found out Section about the OW calling me yesterday.

Ok I took the bull by the horns and got the link

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=207713

I hope to learn all about those of you who post here, I look forward to it.

[This message edited by StungAgain at 1:45 PM, January 7th (Monday)]


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Stung again!

You will find a lot of support here.

((((hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Dream, I really need it today, as your statement says in your signature, he is a mind fuck!!


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of the time the abuse and the damage (financial and emotional) is far more than you probably even realize. There is so much more going on behind the scenes that we can even imagine. The longer we stay, the more damage that is done.

Amen.

The financial aspect is what still royally pissed me off to this day. I'll be broke for many more years, paying off the hell that man unleashed.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 730 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi newbies! Welcome to all of you, although this is a sad, sad position to be in. You will probably find, however, that this is not necessarily a sad thread.

Cerise: Congratulations! I think what impressed me most of all was that you managed to stay strong and on target while kookus was all over the place. Part of unlearning how to be a victim (the unfortunate lesson we all learn in dealing with N's) is in not accepting everything that the kookus says or does as The Standard. You might have violated the letter of the parenting plan by giving your daughter a medication that he disagreed with, but he is denying her medical advice, which probably has more to do with suspicion and paranoia than concern for her welfare. He never was God, and you definitely don't have to accept ANYTHING he says as gospel. You're a nurse with a medical doctor backing you up; what more do you need to feel good about your decisions?

Dragonfly: I'm sure you'll probably give deadbeats hell in court (that could be some good therapy for your anger!).

Jonesie: Woo hoo! I know you're happy that this day has finally come! But please, do, be careful. Take care of yourself and don't let your guard down.

dreamlife: Actually, the carcinogenic part of sassafras is not found in file' (safrole). File' is comprised of only sassafras leaves, which do not contain safrole. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to sell it; they no longer sell sassafras tea for that reason. I'm not a big fan of it as a thickening agent, although sometimes I do get nostalgic for just a sprinkle of it on top of my gumbo! And by gumbo, I mean a soup cooked with either okra, file', or roux (or some mixture thereof). I make spaghetti with spaghetti noodles, I make sandwiches with bread, and if I didn't put those particular things in them, I would not consider them either spaghetti or sandwiches. Whatever else I put in my gumbo is totally a choice -- and highly variable.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Veritas, now the trick is to learn about everyone who is posting here


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, me for one. :)

I've been following your posts in JFO, StungAgain, and I have to say I'm happy you're here with us in NPD but sad you're at SI at all. Know what I mean?

So the standard introduction here is something like, "Welcome to the Island of Misfit Toys," since we all feel like we're completely crazy when we get in here. In sharing what your relationship has been like, and in attempting No Contact, you'll begin to distance yourself from the NPD person long enough to see that --- yeah, you WERE crazy, and you were being driven there by an exceptionally skillful manipulator.

Any of this ringing true yet with you? Yeah. Thought so.

Many warm hugs for you, Stung Again. You're going to make it through all of this just fine. It's going to take time and chutzpah and guts and more than one box of Kleenex, but we've got your back.

So what's your plan, as of this minute, in regards to your STBX? You have a call in for a lawyer. When does that meeting take place?

If the SPCA angle doesn't work on the OW, you may consider a suit against the two of them for infliction of emotional distress, amongst other things. Be very clear with your lawyer about things such as having to now have a therapist or prescriptions, etc. Let your lawyer guide you through the separation of finances and such, but make sure you tell your lawyer what you've been through and what it has cost you in monetary terms. Most lawyers will pick up on that and be able to advise you regarding other lawsuits that could help you level the financial playing field.

You also need to let the police know that you're feeling threatened and that you'd appreciate a drive-by now and then tonight. Go on record as requesting this with them. Right now you don't know what your STBX is going to do, and most folks here will tell you that when the house of cards starts to fall down around an NPD's ears, s/he will become enraged to the point of insanity. You need to protect yourself in every way possible until you know what his next move is.

Good luck at your new job tonight. I'll be thinking of you, and hoping you are well.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((StungAgain)))
Welcome to the (((Tribe))) of Lightbulbs and Toasters, AKA: The N-Survivors Club, AKA: The Club of and From Hell, AKA:The Island of Misfit Toys,

I've read your post if JFO. Oh my stars. Wow. You have not been having fun I can see. That man(boy) is not right. He sounds more like a socipopath (APD) then NPD on the APD/NPD continuim. Threnody and Knuclehead have given you some superdupergnarly advice. And thanks to WonderingBull for sending you over here.
This thread is a bit different then the general population threads in that all the rules of normalacy don't exist here. "N does not stand for Normal" to quote Veritas.
Please read and post and ask.
Please do as has been advised, ie: calling the Police and getting them involved. He does sound potentially very dangerous and as Threnody said, when they lose control they can go off their rocker. Check out SadToo's (Den Mother of NPD Threads ) posts for more info.
Welcome with sadness that you find yourself here, but together we will all get through this.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning and thank you for the warm welcome.

I must admit I am feeling VERY nervous this morning, he has gone from calling and drop by visits, to the last 24 hours of no contact, no nothing. Last thing I heard from him was that he "might" call me last night and now nothing.

I have been down this emotionall bullshit rollercoaster before and I want to assume that it is work related but not sure.

I know I shouldn't worry about him, but I am, VERY. He is unpredictable, and I am sensing unstable.

I am feeling very betrayed. How could someone make plans with OW for months, tell her that I am not in the picture, that he is living at the farm, when we were living at the other house in town with his nephews???

She tells me that he has been planning all of this since last February, that she had no idea, and it is possible that maybe she didn't because OW says if she had, she wouldn't have given him any $$, makes sense to me, why would someone give another person $40K if there was already a wife in the picture?

She told me yesterday morning that "the ball is in his court" and I told her that he won't do anything, that is his pattern. Her comment was "then I guess that is his choice too now isn't it?" She kind of turned snarky on me, maybe my interpretation, but either way, I haven't called or heard from her since.

I know others say change your phone numbers, but I am scared. If I change my numbers he may just show up at my place pissed that I didn't tell him I was doing that, does that make sense to anyone? Or am I just losing my mind even more???

I called the local police and spoke to them about my dog, and they said that if he did nip her then they would have asked that he be put down. BUT being that it is my dog and no one told me or had the courtesy to call me the officer said that I could file a civil suit for damages as a result of his death. Do I really want to do that? I know Rusty didn't deserve to die and I don't even know where he is buried (god I hope he did get buried )

See as far as I know X doesn't know I all know all of this. According to OW he doesn't know that we have spoken, but trust me he is very good at reading body language and even if she said we didn't speak, he would figure out that we most likely did, and it will be ME that gets the punishing, not her, it has always been me. Whether she gets anything as retribution I am not sure.

I do know she apologized for hittig him in the face, so maybe to him all is forgiven, it is my fault that she did that, because of something I said (if that is what he is thinking).

I did go to work, I have never worked two jobs before, I did go in for about 4 hours at my other job first, then my second job. I don't know if I can do this I am exhausted, emotionally drained, scared, tired, oh so tired, mentally unsure. Already take Anti-depressants have for years. I don't have therapy till Thursday and group on Thursday as well. Thank god I can call the shelter where I go for the therapy and talk to someone even if it is for 5 mins.

Sorry for rambling


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saw IC yesterday & she said I'm suffering from depression.
I cannot take A/Ds.
She does not want me opening up my N's canned e-mails for the next 2 weeks.
NC = No Hurt.
'Pretend that you are already in XYZ".
She feels my hurt with what my N is, & has done, is sharply compounded by my son's death...in January of each year, I already silently start reacting to anticipatory grief.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dreamlife))) (((StungAgain)))

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stung,
Welcome to our group.

I have followed your story. How can they do it? I don't know the answer to that, but I can tell you that I have been in a similar place as you. My XNPDH was married to me, I thought for the most part happily, while behind my back he had been carrying on several affairs one affiar he had a baby and told this woman he was not married, then when she found out he was, told her that I was in the mental institution, and we were getting a divorce, AND had another woman he was stringing along who he was engaged to.

I thought the reason he was acting like a lunatic was because he was an alcoholic.

My advice to you is to obtain a protection order, change your locks, change your telephone number and get an attorney RIGHT NOW.

Do NOT speak to him or have any type of communication with him FOR ANY REASON through ANY MEANS.

He is dangerous, manipulative and at this point very desperate. Forget the OW. She can get herself out of her own mess. You need to think about you right now.

I'm sorry about your dog. I've lost two beloved animals that I strongly suspect my XH had something to do with their death. The only thing you can do is file a civil suit. If your WS is anything like my XNPD, he will escallate the situation and make things worse. It will end up costing you a fortune and you still end up with a dead dog. Let it go.

I know this is hard and I know that you are shock and I know that you are heartbroken. You need to toughen up and pull up your bootstaps. It's about to get tougher. Start moving forward, be strong and let your lawyer do the talking. Hit fast and hit hard, stick to NC, get the police behind you and you will be okay. There is no room for backsliding with guys like this.

Good luck. We're here for you.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Stung))) My situation was similar to Sad's. I thought I had a mostly happy marriage, and getting happier; and that our troubles were the result of his alcoholism and "working" so many hours away from home. Compounded by my pregnancy and the stress of our new business. WRONG! He had SEVERAL OW, and everything about him was LIES. And I do mean everything. So I'm here to 2nd the advice that Sad gave you.

First and foremost you must for your own health and wellbeing go NC IMMEDIATELY. I realize this is a big step and you will feel like you are breaking an addiction, and you are. It's not easy, but DO IT and do not look back. With NPD's the only way to "win" is to get the fuck away ASAP.

Also DO talk to a lawyer. Do play hard and most of all FAST. This is your best defense.

Good luck, and please lean on us whenever you need to.

[This message edited by NoControl at 12:28 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree with Sad and NC - you must have no contact otherwise he will continuously mess with your head. If you are away from him then your mind will begin to clear. This cannot happen whilst he is there telling lies. The thing with these people is that they make you doubt yourself. Stop letting him do this. Get legal advice and get your money away from him. It is a lesson we have all learnt the hard way.

I had an email off my solicitor today enclosing a letter from my ex. After my divorce was finalised we applied for costs.
The ex ignored this letter for a month but coincidentally after seeing me with my shopping bags on my dd birthday (where I also was forced to meet ow) he felt compelled to write a letter saying he will only pay twenty pounds a month towards half his costs. Ok so far! Then he demanded to know what my legal costs were and said he was forced to sell HIS house to me! He then said that I was an spendthrift and had ruined his financial name. What a classic case of projection!
The sad thing is he actually believes this bullshit! Do you remember me saying I had no money to feed my children and he said it wasn't is problem! Yeah I was dripping in diamonds at the time!
He is insane - does he not understand we are divorced now and he has being living with ow for the past year??

I think you said Sad that he is trying to wind me up at the moment...he is a toddler having a tantrum because he is being ignored. My solicitor said he is talking absolute nonsense. What worries me is how he still wants attention from me.

Anyway I said I will take his twenty pounds a month because it will annoy him having to pay this! But I think I need to be careful - he seems a bit strange at the moment. Well, stranger than usual!

Dream - my thoughts are with you at this difficult time.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe))),

Got a letter from a lawyer stating that they will be representing STBXPDW.

I also picked up copies of the police reports from the last year.

She had filed one, I filed four. In hers she complained that I wouldn't let her see DDs and was being difficult. At the end of hers was a reference from the Police, referencing where I had called the Police the night before and asked if I was in the wrong to not make the children go to STBXPDWs if the children did not want to go and were afraid of her. I also mentioned sociopath and mental disorders along with safety concerns for the children and what the children wanted, and that she had threatened to come and take the kids per conversation she had with counselor.

My first report was the night I had exposed the affair and I had reported that she may cause trouble.

The second report was from a few days before DDs and I moved out stating that there was trouble with STBXPDW and I was concerned for DDs safety.

Third report is the one referenced in her report. That was filed the day before her report.

The last report I stated threats she made (thought about killing me), CC & Welfare fraud, Custody and Placement issues, Neglect, CPS, etc.

Please advise.

Thanks.

BoB

[This message edited by bobelina at 4:36 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob,
Who ever is the one that calls the police is in the better position, in my opinion. The is PROOF that you were concerned enough about the safety of the children to call the police. Your STBXNPDW can say all she wants that she is worried or scared or whatever, but if YOU are the one that has always called the police, I would say that you are in the driver's seat.

Itsa,
I have to laugh about your XH flipping out about your shopping spree. Little did he know you had many bags with a little bit of nothing in each bag. Such an idiot. They are so easily threatened. Shopping, a new fence, etc. In my case I put a dumpster out front and remodel a bathroom and he loses it to the point of getting another protection order slapped against him.

They are almost predictable, aren't they?

It's like they can't stand it that life has gone on without them and we have actually SURVIVED and even THRIVED in most cases. It drives them MAD.

I think it's funnier than hell. Here's to laughing our ass off at how good it is without the SOB's in our lives.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
cjonesjag
♀ Member
Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

< this could be the end of part IV >


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

Posts: 6400 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Michigan
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