* or me alone either, for that matter *
(((Bananas))) I've read some of your posts in D/S. Sorry you're back here! I hear you with the NC being fuel to his morbid flame! He just can't take YOU rejecting HIM. He is, afterall, far superior to us *normal* people!
What's up with everyone else?
Bills - I am not asking you to pay on those medical bills. I am merely asking you not to unnecessarily duplicate the services with new providers who don't even have the kids' histories when they are already in the care of people who know them and their needs and can treat them more effectively. I get them to those providers when they are with me. If you want to take them to new people, that is your choice, but it is also your own financial responsibility. I know you want to have providers who are convenient to you and that's reasonable, but I don't think that's sufficient reason to change all their providers especially when they have the special needs they have and I am quite willing and capable of getting them to the appropriate provider. For that matter, so are you, you are just unwilling to drive to get there, which is not a legitimate reason for getting me to foot the bill.
WTF am I suppose to do??? Shared Parenting my ass... Asshole is not paying for any of these "services" his Mother is.... why do I know this, because she has paid for everything for over 15 years when it comes to asshole. Hell, he could just give her a look and she'd slip him 50$ when leaving the house...
Every attempt I have made to seek care for my Autistic son or dental care for my other son is met with this type of refusal...
I have envolved Child Welfare concerning the refusal to give meds! I know he is trying to break me of my independence, that's what this is about....but I get so tired of fighting.... so I AM WEARY..
((((Veritas)))) I loved the rewrite... "Slow Brain Cell Day" I needed that. I have rewriten many emails because what I want to say and should be said are two separate issues. But to hear someone elses view is great.... I know I am not alone, because you all can see through him as well. Thanks, I BELONG HERE and I am proud to say it...
Dear Weaselly Fucker:
Taking the children to a licensed physician when they are in need of immediate medical attention is not duplication of services; who the doctor is does not matter so long as he is duly licensed and credentialed. Otherwise, the insurance company would not pay for them. Their medical histories can be exchanged with the appropriate forms, and a medical history can be established by going there. It would be nice if we could work together to find one common physician who is convenient to both of us, but that is not possible. According to the divorce decree, you are responsible for paying half of the medical bills and we both have equal choice in selecting an "appropriate physician." Re-writing the terms of our decree to suit yourself in no way benefits the children. Furthermore, if you are so capable of getting the children to the "appropriate provider," then it should not be any trouble for you to quit making Jennifer take them to the doctor. That would be an excellent example of your willingness to participate in your children's care.
The saint who has thus far resisted from putting knots in your little wooden head
[This message edited by veritas at 4:57 PM, December 13th (Thursday)]
Say where do you think these type of men will end up on judgement day? Let's try to picutre that shall we.
He totally played me. Like you I wish he had just been honest. Was yours the same?
I left him when I was 35. As I was literally on the way out the door for the last time, he had the nerve to say to me "What about our babies?" Son of a bitch.
I remarried the following year. Mr. Longlost and I tried to have kids, but, as it turns out, I had rampant endometriosis and an ovarian tumor. No babies for me. I had to have a hysterectomy. We tried to adopt. Guess what? We were too "old." Thanks, Bizarro!
I've had a good, full life, and I don't let it get to me tooo much that I couldn't have kids, but every now and then, I get so angry with that Bizarro SOB.
Veritas, you're on a roll today! C'mon! I wish you'd tell Bizarro precisely what he is and what should happen to him in both this life and the next!
[This message edited by Dragonfly32 at 8:29 PM, December 13th (Thursday)]
So many destroyed dreams. So much devistation. So much heartbreak. Betrayl on unimaginative levels and layers. These "NPD Freaks" have really done a number on us, huh? Wow. Just f**cking wow. Reading thru todays posts and seeing all this senseless damage caused by one person, the N-Fant. And we all thought it was US !!! We took the damn hits for these people for all these years. Sucked it up. Told to "Get over It". Told were being paranoid, overreactive, wrong, etc. etc. etc. Yeah, right. FUCKOFF !!!
Yeah, I'm kinda tweaked right now. What has happened to us IS something to feel angry over. These people, N-Fucktards, just won't stop, will they? They've got nothing better to do than keep fucking with us and our kids, trying to make us look like were all fucking crazy. Fuckinkfuckheads.
The more I learn about the disordered the more I really realize, deeper and deeper, that there is no winning with these people. There isn't even a truce. They have too win, pull something over on you, prove your wrong, etc. etc. etc. etc. And what the fuck for? That's why were so torn by their assinine behaviors cause NO SANE person can wrap their heads around this insidious bullshit. Why? why? why? Why the fuck do they got to keep on pulling all this bullshit? Bunch a fucking crazy ass insanity. But wait...
...They do know right from wrong. They CHOOSE this behaviour. They don't care. The are assholes. They are "EVIL". They suck !!! LOL.
It's just fucking amazing that such "monsters" exist. I'm so sorry for us all and our children. CraZY RANT OVER... for now...
Denial as a defense mechanism is how the mind copes emotionally in the fall-out of a catastrophic event, major loss, or with anxiety. The woman who finds herself suddenly widowed may deny for awhile that her husband is dead. Or she may simply feel numb and unable to cry for weeks or months. This is because she can't deal with all the emotions of loss and shock all at once. Denial as a defense is how our minds protect us from overwhelming situations that we aren't equipped at the time to deal with emotionally.
This is something very different from denial as a tactic. George K. Simon, "In Sheep's Clothing", points out:
"...this is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to themselves as well as others) about their aggressive intentions. This 'Who...Me?' tactic invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior. It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on doing what they want to do." pg. 98
Denial as a lying tactic of manipulation is another in the list of tactics covert-aggressive manipulators (usually character-disordered individuals) use very frequently. Mr. Simon has kindly laid out a list of eighteen of the most common tactics. He calls that a short list. He stresses the importance of differentiating between denial as a defense and denial as a tactic to hide aggressive intent. Simon sums up the tactic thusly:
"In short, when Jeff [a juvenile caught in the act of bullying] is denying, he's not defending in any way, he's mainly fighting. He's not in a psychological state, he's employing a tactic, and he's very aware of what he's doing. The tactic he's using is often called denial, but it's really just another way of lying. And he's lying for the reasons people commonly lie -- to get out of trouble." pg. 94
I am sure you have many memories flooding into your mind right now of the times the narcissist has flatly denied their bad behavior, the effects of their bad behavior, and their bad intent behind the bad behavior. You are remembering how they managed to turn the whole situation around so that you were made to feel like you were the aggressor for not believing their denial...their lie. They put on their sweet angel face and deny, deny, deny until you lose the will to continue the fight. For that is what this creep is doing. Fighting. Fighting for his way. Fighting for his "right" to keep right on doing what he wants to do, all consequences to you be damned.
By his insistent denials you have often been made to feel like the bad guy. For trying to get an accounting from him for his actions you have succumbed to the accusation that you're being judgmental, unfair, bullying. So you gave up. You bought the lie that you are the mean one and he is innocent. Who would insist so tenaciously on their innocence except the innocent? Or so you rationalize. You are unwilling to believe that he can look you in the eye and lie his ass off from here to eternity. You want to believe that something about him, and about this relationship, is real...so you succumb his denials.
Or perhaps you allow yourself to know that his behavior was bad and destructive, but you tell yourself that deep down he's really hurting so he is "in denial" because he can't face his own pain. This is never the case with the character-disordered. He is not "in pain". He has no anxiety about his bad behavior whatsoever. He is totally cool with how he is. The only thing he isn't cool with is that you're not accepting his behavior. He is trying to get a pass from you by this blatant denial of his actions. He has no intention of stopping what he is doing. He will buy himself another day by simply denying he did what he did. It is so childish that it is rather a wonderment that we fall for this as often as we do when this is done by an adult. We want to believe that the person in front of us is basically good. That they are basically honest. That they are not fighting with us in this moment.
Teach yourself to recognize when someone is covertly fighting for their own way. Never fall for the belief that the narcissist is in some sort of psychic pain which prevents them from knowing how their behavior affects those around her. She has no problem, no conflict in her own mind with her behavior. She is justified fully in her mind for what she does no matter the destruction it brings down on herself and others. Her only problem is with your perceptions of her behavior. That is what she is trying to deal with as she employs her massive denial of her misdeeds. You are the problem...not her. She is not fighting to repress some deep psychological pain. She is fighting to force you to repress your own pain and your own perception so she can carry on unpunished while doing what ever the hell she wants to do.
I did have a chilling realization today. Remember that horrible early scene in Jaws when that young girl goes swimming at night and of course the shark gets her? Remember that look of horror and shock and doom when the shark makes that first hit? But she doesn't give up yet. She wants to live. But the shark doesn't care. He hits again. And again. It takes forever to end and for her to truly believe that she's dead.
I HATE THAT SCENE!! I cannot watch it. But the first time I saw that movie, I couldn't tear my eyes away. It made me so sick, but it seemed so real and so familiar.
Today, when I was trying to explain to a friend what it was like living with Bizarro, that scene popped into my head with a vengeance.
Oh, Bizarro, how like a shark attack was your "love"! How little your jabs and punches had to do with me,
Comfort and joy, my friends. After all, we DO outnumber them!
[This message edited by Longlost at 9:25 PM, December 13th (Thursday)]
whew...I feel better now.
Longlost: I've heard stuff about Bizarro. I am too old to sit here and list all the things wrong with him!
bobelina: I know it's frustrating, but you need to reserve your fight for the big things. I know it's disappointing for your daughter, but the courts can't censor her for being lazy or trifling or tired; only for being abusive or negligent. However, if you keep a record of all the times that she does this, it might be a good part of a case for custody.
He has no anxiety about his bad behavior whatsoever. He is totally cool with how he is. The only thing he isn't cool with is that you're not accepting his behavior. ...
You are the problem...not her.
You are the problem...not her.
Great article BoB! I took me a long time to realize I was the problem and to take ownership of that. I had compromised myself so much over the years. It was powerful and self-confirming when I finally did stand up and say "your right...it is me; I am the problem" and not back down from it. I wish I had gotten OK with that sooner.
I had to learn to value myself enough to stand up and say it loud and clear. I had to learn that he was being honest when he said I was the problem. Taking ownership of the problem gave me the right to deal with it how I chose to.
I hope that makes sense.
Maybe an example. How many times has your N said they loved you? I finally learned to say your right you do love me but our definition of love is not the same. It is *my* problem. I chose to deal with *my* problem by not accepting your love.
Hope that is clearer. I know I made several posts regarding the subject when I was dealing with it. Maybe I'll look later for some of them.
Many positive thoughts to all.
P.S. WB try this on him "I don't like you". I found that phrase helpful for quite awhile.
Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles
X-sister in law (not related to trail of tears; XH#1-s sister)had a big blowout with her H, he came after her physically, the police were called, and SHE was told to leave her house and her one year old daughter by the police! I went and sat with her, held her while she cried, and listened to stories eerily similar to ours here.
That motherfucker had primed the cops (apparently they've been called before) to think that SHE was the problem and SHE had to leave her baby there with HIM!
This after he took a 2 week "break" from their marriage to date someone else...oh, but there was no sex involved...DICKWAD, PLEASE!!!
She went this morning to get her daughter. I'm hoping all goes well.
I'm so glad I was able to be there, as so many of you have been for me, but I'll be damned if it didn't re-open old wounds! Poor girl, she's all of 22. At least she's got her life ahead of her. It just sickens me how many wonderful people are hurt and abused by sick fucks. Oh well, all we can do is press on and support each other. Thanks for listening.
It seems these bastards have figured out how to manipulate the Cops as well as the judicial system as if THEY are the victims..