Of course, he's going to turn it BACK on you, tell LIES, gaslight, etc.
(Just as I found out my N/bipolar also re-wrote marital history about his XW-- after having many long conversations with HER!)
Its the *nature of the beast*, a testimony to their total *Lack of Character*...but I like to believe that there ARE good people out there, even MEN...and I will find one some day, again...am just not ready now.
And, I'll be very cautious & meet/speak to his family, meet/speak with any ex-wives, & really comb through his PAST...some things I did not DO with my N because I took his "word" for everything (about his 'mean & wicked XW as well!), and I was just so *smitten*.
My motto:"Once burned, twice shy".
Except substitute..."Once MIND FUCKED, ...'
You will be okay, sweetie.
Its just a "moment" that you are having, that we all tend to have after such trauma.
Hang in there & remember you not only have this thread, but the bipolar thread, too.
[This message edited by bobelina at 12:06 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]
And then, some little by little, some in spurts, your NPD started smashing all the little dreams you had and setting up his own illusions.
When he would do something, he probably justified it by saying that everybody or men or people with blue eyes or any generalization he could latch on to felt this way or did these things, and you were just the oddball. This served two purposes: always kept you doubting yourself, and also kept you from thinking that there could be better out there.
Better does exist, but it may not exist for you until you come out of the funhouse of mirrors that he has set up for you. This will be true whether you stay with him or not.
You can learn to trust again, and see beauty in people again. It is all up to you. (((more hugs, cause you will need them)))
Unicorn has some very uplifting quotes in her profile, too.
I was just on the bipolar thread reading...
I had a strange/wild/hurtful/weird BAD dream about my N & the item that I had recently found!
But, no matter what, I like to be positive & believe that my future will be alright.
Especially without HIM in it!
Counsellor: the world is ...
Me: a beautiful place.
Counsellor: the world is full of..
Counsellor: Your place in the world is ...
Me: Just being me.
She said that I have lost my trust in people because of what happened to me but I havn't lost my trust in all of what I believe in.
You will be no different but it will take time to find who you are again. I also struggled with the idea that my judgement had let me down by choosing such a nutter. I now realise that I was targeted; I was young and niave. It won't happen again.
Bob - I think I have said before that my ex holds me responsible for world famine as well as for every setback in his life!! Loser!!
How you doing sad and cj?
NC - reading your recent post makes me think how far you have come in such a short time. Go Girl!
Have a good day everyone!
WOW...don't quite know where to begin. I have read all of the NPD threads and I am 100% sure my ex is certifiable NPD. I have just had a heated disagreement with him regarding child support due, and he has threatened my life. I quote, "You know you make more money than me and you are still gonna bother me with this shit? God, I wish you were fucking DEAD. You are SOOO glad I didn't KILL you while you slept. I swear, if there was someone on this earth that I could kill and get away with it, it would be YOU! I fuckin' hate you!"
I don't quite know how to respond other than to go NC again...But he still owes me this money and I need it..
My NPD experience:
- High school buddies. After high school he got married and joined the ARMY. I went to college. I have a Bachelors in Computer Science and an MBA. I work for the US gov in a supervisory postion. Had purchased first home by age 22. He showed up at my Mom's house during Christmas holidays looking for me.
- First words out of my mouth were, "I heard you got married. Congrats!". His first words to me after a six year seperation, "No, We got divorced last year".
-We date long distance for 6 months. When he seperates from the Army, he decides to move to my city. NO JOB. I offered to help him find a place and work. Was given an ultimatum "I want to spend ALL of my time with you. If we can't live together, I may not move there." I fold. He gets a PART-TIME job and moves into MY home.
-A month after moving in, my Mom calls me and says that she heard from her church buddies that EX was still married. I ask, HE LIES. Starts crying and says "People back home are lying because they just don't want us to be happy". I called his bluff by threatening to look up a divorce decree on Intellus. He finally admits that they were seperated for 2 years but never got a divorce due to extra military benefits. I made him move out. He went to live with his Mom 100 miles away.
-I went NC because of the lies. After a month, I received a fax of divorce papers drawn up by a local lawyer. I told him I would have nothing to do with him until the divorce was final. As soon as it was final, I let him come back.
-Got Lupus diagnosis: Was told by EX- "I will take care of you...it will be okay." Called my parents and told them the same thing.
Well, he took care of me alright...
I'll split the post because I have a LOT more to say...
[This message edited by Debbie_Downer at 8:06 AM, December 6th (Thursday)]
I wanted to point out, too, that it isn't so much that we have bad judgment that gets us into these relationships. Part of it is that they have such talent at appearing not just "normal," but far better than normal when they need to. They just can't sustain it. They win us over and then start letting down the mask. It takes us a long, long time to understand that the outcome can't be good for us and that the person we fell in love with was a construct of a very damaged psyche. It isn't that we're stupid--it's that they are shifty and we are generous-hearted.
Another important thing to understand is that there are sometimes not-so-obvious reasons that we choose the NPD person. My IC has helped me to understand how being raised by an alcoholic mother who had some npd traits prepared me to "accept the assignment" when Bizarro came along. I had known him in high school, but there hadn't been any "romance." He showed up again when I was ass over teakettles in love with, and planning to marry, a big, gorgeous, sweet, understanding English boy who lived in a neighboring state. Bizarro talked me into writing the STUPIDEST letter I have ever written, and I spent 37 years regretting it.
In my counseling session yesterday, IC asked me point blank what it was in me that allowed me to choose Bizarro over the man that I SHOULD have married. The answer: I made a "rational" decision. They both wanted me. Bizarro needed me more, my sweetheart was not going to have any trouble replacing me. Bizarro won. My needs and wants didn't even enter into the equation. I accepted the assignment.
I'm still working on forgiving myself for making that choice, but here's the deal--I did the best I could at the time. Based on the experiences of my life at that point and on the fact that I was only 18 years old, I chose Bizarro. And he was not (and is not) without redeeming characteristics. He is just not capable of being what I needed him to be--part of a partnership.
I'm lapsing into archeology here, but my point is that there are often circumstances that push us toward the choices we make. Look at the circumstances and go a little easier on yourself! Also, we DO NOT always make bad choices. We DO learn. I married a wonderful man--someone who shares some of the best traits of my old sweetheart and of Bizarro, but who is, most of all, HIMSELF. And I found that old sweetheart again, and guess what? After 37 years, he is still the kind-hearted, loving, sheltering, warm human being that he was when he was 19 years old. All things considered, I don't have such a bad record! My first love and (please God!) my last love are both such good people! The one in the middle, well....
So, the point of this dissertation is that smart people can make stupid choices, but that doesn't make them stupid! In fact, it can make them smarter. Latching onto a loser doesn't make you a loser, and it doesn't mean that all your potential partners are losers, and it doesn't mean that you aren't capable of finding a non-loser.
No one knows what will happen next, but the world is a big, beautiful place, and there are lots of wonderful people in it.
(((IDB))) you CAN be happy!
How many spouses (or former spouses) of NPDs are also children of alcoholics?
-Within a month, he got a workplace phone-buddy at his part-time job. We fought back and forth about this chick for over a year. I would threaten to break things off, he would fake NC with her and then tell her "I didn't mean it", I would find out and the cycle would repeat over and over again.
NPD's Take on things: "You just don't want me to have any friends. You are insecure and mean. If I could talk to you, I wouldn't call her. It's your fault you are so unapproachable"
-Got pregnant and started saving money. EX began leaving on weekend and when he would return, there would be huge chunks of money missing from joint acct. We would fight.
NPD's take: "You make me feel less of a man when you confront me about OUR money. I know you make more, but I need to be able to have complete access without you questioning me all the time. You have to let me be the MAN around the house. You just want to BITCH about everything."
-After baby was born, more conflict. EX felt that he was being neglected.
NPD's take: You & the baby always go off into your own little world. You are always so tired from baby that you don't give me as much sex. All you care about are the baby's needs; what about mine? I need sex everyday. You don't love me like you used to."
-EX received a job offer at a car manufacturing plant which would have increased his pay by $15000. He turned it down, and that caused a HUGE fight because he was making little to no money at the part-time gig.
NPD's take: "I am in college so that I don't have to work those types of jobs. You want to be the only successful one. You just want to delay my degree, so that you can get all of the attention with your white-collar high paying job. You don't want me to pass you in salary. I'm not going to be a simple 'factory worker'."
All the while, he is FAILING out of school because he spends all of his time there flirting and collecting numbers. I needed him to get a better-paying job to help carry the load of a new baby and his weekend cash splurges. AZZ!...
[This message edited by Debbie_Downer at 8:25 AM, December 6th (Thursday)]
-Began to physically abuse me. Every time I would threaten to call police, he would break down crying and beg for forgiveness. His excuse was always, "You need to stop confronting me. I am still a man and I can hurt you."
- Found out that EX had used my social-security number to open two lines of credit.
- Began sneaking around with an older woman at work. Even after the suspicious emails, he has denied, denied, denied.
These three things, plus all of the mind-fucking before convinced me that it was time to let go...
I filed for divorce.
He moved in with the lady from work and told me, "I did it so that I could afford to pay child support. I had NO WHERE ELSE to go."
SINCE SEPERATION AND DIVORCE:
- EX has filed for bankruptcy. Lost his truck. Told everyone "That BITCH has ruined my life".
-Everytime child support is due: "You jut take my money as a way to punish me. You are going to Hell for being so spiteful."
-Ex tells everyone, "If she really loved me, she wouldn't have filed for divorce. She just used me to have a baby."
- Ex on abuse: "You are the only person I let get to me. With all of my exes, I didn't really care. With you, my feeling were so involved that you are able to get me enraged just by words. That's love."
Okay, I'll stop now. But how do I deal from this point on. You can see from my first post that he has threatened my life and I REALLY need the child support as promised...
[This message edited by Debbie_Downer at 8:43 AM, December 6th (Thursday)]
Show of hands:
STBXPDW's family, extended and immediate, friends and associates have more substance and alcohol abuse & PDs then you can shake many sticks at.
He is being a total DINK (DICK).
(((Deb))) I'm not ignoring you. I'm at work, though, and won't be able to respond much until later. You are going through some really hard stuff right now. Wish I could offer more than (((Deb))), but that's the best I can do right this minute.
When I met him, he also claimed to be D (and also ex-army, for whatever that's worth); I only learned he wasn't D when I had a background check done AFTER we were separated. He also pressured me from day *one* to be with me full time or move on. And being ass over elbows in love with who I *thought* was my soulmate, I did it too...
Trail of Tears also had phone buddies, and gave me VERBATIM the same response as your X
You just don't want me to have any friends. You are insecure and mean. If I could talk to you, I wouldn't call her. It's your fault you are so unapproachable
I also have a baby and get the same shit about child support, etc. And he has said VERBATIM the same things about me ruining his life, etc. to our the people in our small, bassackwards community. So I truly understand where you're coming from.
SO, to answer your question:
But how do I deal from this point on.
It sounds like you are ahead of alot of us here in that your finances are in order and you can support yourself (GOOD for you!) but that doesn't mean you don't need the child support, etc. Here comes the bad news: with an N, you've got to operate as though you'll *never* get a penny; because most likely you won't. Sorry, hun, I know too well the frustration and hardship of that.
One other thought on getting through- try to focus on all you have to be grateful for, and the universe will bring you more to be grateful for. Sounds kooky, but in my experience it is 100% true. Again, I'm sorry to meet you under these circumstances, but will help you in whatever capacity I am able. I mean it, so don't be a stranger!
(((IDB))) Please give us an update when you can. Many thoughts and prayers have gone out to you- I hope you are well.
(((Its))) Thanks for the validation! Most days I feel pretty DAMN good! And I have been *most* impressed with your transformation as well. You are an inspiration.
(((LongLost, BoB, veritas, Dream, Sad, ALL, & lurkers)))
Keep your heads up! Hugs to all. -NoC
Seems I was "prepped" to be had by STBXPDW.
NoControl...we are truly living parallel lives...It's almost like they are reading from the same script...My goodness..
Guys, I am truly at my breaking point...emotionally & physically. I would have never imagined my life would turn out like this. If it weren't for my son, I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. I wouldn't dare allow him to be raised by that NPD-freak though...I can't do that to him...
Long...my father was also an abusive alcoholic my entire life. He only stopped beating my Mom when he got lung cancer and she basically became his in-home nurse...My whole childhood was a traumatic and fearful one. I thought I had escaped and could break the generational curse with my marriage.
I couldn't have been more wrong...
One of the great things that my now husband used to tell me again and again is "You've got to feel the way you feel, but just remember that YOU WON'T ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS."
Keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and someday, you WILL be able to look back on all this as a dip in the road. Granted, it's a MAJOR dip, but it AIN'T the end of the road.