It's all the same. The only thing that changes in the life of a narcissist, is the victim.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
When my ex picked up the kids today I studied him closely. He made a comment about my hair (I have changed the colour slightly) and he tried to engage me in conversation a few times about himself. I looked away and yawned. I interuppted him and told my son to put on his shoes. I ignored his constant demands for my attention. He was only in the house for five minutes!!
What amazed me was how easy it was to see through his shallow pointless techniques. What business is it of his if my hair is bright pink, do I care about his life etc. What a loser. When you know what they are they are quite fascinating to watch...What a freak!
Ouch - you will get to this point one day. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I am happy to hear so many of you had a great Thanksgiving without the freaks ruining it. How are you feeling Sad? I am thinking of you in your run up to court.
Didn't I tell you you would have a fabulous Thanksgiving without him? I am so glad to be right about something good.
[This message edited by veritas at 11:08 AM, November 26th (Monday)]
You're so right - I was her not long ago and nearly lost everything because of it. Just took so many years (7) for me to catch on and I want to see the demise of their relationship sooner.
I'm quite certain he has been involved with her for over a year - wanted to believe his lies that they were just friends- so, although, I may have become the OW - her being his main NS now, I have to remember that he is already cheating on her with me - and I suspect there's another woman as well. So any kind of honesty and trust is already gone from their relationship - she just doesn't know it yet. This has been one sick ride.
Many positive thoughts.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD LYRICS
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
[This message edited by downfall at 9:53 PM, November 25th (Sunday)]
Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles
Divorce Day, Divorce
Day ... pleeeeze come soooooooonnnn!!!!!
So sick of the games
, the power struggles, the pointlessness of so much wasted energy.
Twelve years ago today Mr. Threnody walked into the kitchen of his dorm and kissed me without saying a word to me. I went all to pieces and nearly fainted. I'd been officially broken up from NPD exF for about six weeks, but hadn't told Mr Threnody, other friends, or even my family yet. NPD exF was going to be moving out at the beginning of February (or sooner, if I could convince him -- ha!), so I thought I'd just try to survive the holiday season and come the New Year I'd be almost completely free.
Mr. Threnody apparently had other ideas. After the earth-shaking kiss, I said, "I guess I ought to tell you that G. and I broke up." He closed his eyes and whispered, "Oh, thank GOD." *lol* He thought he was going to get his ass kicked. He still says he has no idea why he did what he did. It is totally unlike him, then and now. I have to believe that he knew how desperate I was feeling and how frightened, and reacted on some level in a way that was meant to comfort me and give me his protection. It was a weird instinctual thing, I think. We've analyzed it to death and we have no better explanation.
So all of that to say this: you're going to survive. You're going to find a love worthy of you and your immense capacity for love and giving. You're going to be alright. It's all waiting out there.
I know the holiday was really tough on many of you, and the lead-up was tough on nearly all of you. It was a little rough around here because of all the strange triggers I get this time of year. Also, I had to sit around and wonder if X was going to call me up or something since this is his first Thanksgiving season as a separated/nearly divorced man. Getting out of town and away from my phone was the best thing, in retrospect. I haven't looked at the caller ID yet. I'm sort of dreading it. I think I may just let Mr. Threnody do it when he gets home after work tonight.
DD123, I saw your post asking for a PM, then your later one about how well your holiday went. Extra big hugs and kisses for your lovely brother who went to such effort to give you a beautiful holiday. I hope the PM situation is better, but I'm sorry you had to come here at all for it. You're a good, strong, brilliant woman. You deserve only good things, and it's distressing to hear that your pet N is still giving you hell.
Bob, thank you for riding picket and helping newbies to the forum. Your posts are informative and therefore comforting. I think the most upsetting thing for newcomers to the whole Funhouse of Mirrors is that nothing is what you think it was, and so to have definitions and truth is life-saving.
Sadtoo, good luck in a few days in court. You're on my permanent prayer list, as is OW1's daughter. Is there any way OW1 can use information from your case to help further her goal of gaining full custody? It's odd how Ns can cause us to practically embrace former "enemies." There was one OW of my N who talked me off the ledge a few times post-breakup. Crazy stuff.
Everyone else, much love and well-wishes. We're through the holiday! You've all been in my thoughts this week. Random thoughts of "I wonder how my tribe is doing" would flit in and give me a chuckle.
Tribe. That's sort of what we are. Cool.
[This message edited by Threnody at 9:43 AM, November 26th (Monday)]
Most of my holidays with Bizarro, I spent alone. He always worked. It was a choice. He told me that he felt he should work and give those "who had families" the day off. Generous, wasn't he? Except to me. The message was, of course, that I WASN'T "family." I didn't count. That used to hurt so badly. I was afraid that I would never be able to enjoy the holidays again. Well, the good news is that he DIDN'T steal the joy. All he did, finally, was add some texture. So there's a little melancholy mixed into the celebration?!?! So what!? I can take it! Meanwhile, I love this season. And I don't care what religion you are (or aren't). It's about the birth of hope in the darkest season. If you call hope "Jesus," that works for me. Whatever you call it works for me. Let's just be grateful for hope, joy, comfort, generosity, LIFE, and try to be tolerant of the little sad people who spend so much time trying to dictate "the true meaning" of ANYTHING to ANYONE.
Thren, you're so right. The N freaks can make even the most brilliant of us feel so stupid and confused.
Education definitely helps--even all these years later, my new understanding of Bizarro is helping me to arm myself against him. Sooner or later, I'm afraid, I will have to confront him again. But his power is so diminished that he is almost funny now. Almost.
So many things that made no sense at all about that relationship have now dropped into clearly-defined boxes. I have resisted for so long the history rewriting that disgruntled exes often indulge in simply to enable themselves to go on with their lives. This is not a bad thing--it is simply something that I could never justify, probably BECAUSE I didn't understand that Bizarro truly WAS bizarre. Gaining a better understanding of NPD has enabled me to begin rewriting history TO CREATE A MORE ACCURATE VERSION!! My goal is not to justify myself or to villify him, but to understand and to FINALLY to just let it go. I freed myself in one sense 20 years ago, when I kept repeating to Bizarro "you've got to let me go now." But as Sadtoo understands, I wasn't able to entirely let HIM go. I shoved emotions that could not be resolved back onto a psychic shelf. Then some emotional trigger (or 25) shook those old feelings down on my head this summer and, for a while, I was a nothing but a walking mass of emotional scar tissue. No more! The scars are there. They always will be. But I am not the scars. I was always so much more than Bizarro could comprehend and/or acknowledge. So be it. I don't need his comprehension or his acknowledgement any longer.
WE don't need their approval. WE don't need their affection. The sad truth is that THEY were never anything more than potential human beings. They are potential that can never be realized, no matter how hard they try or how much they want to become human.
So, as hard as it is to recognize that those once-beloveds of ours are almost empty shells (it would be so much easier if they were truly empty, wouldn't it?) and that they CANNOT be more, we are all on the path to healing. We are all in the process of becoming more, different, better--whatever. We are alive.
Sorry I'm rambling today. Been too quiet too long, I guess!! I've still got some catching up to do on PMs. Haven't forgotten--just super, super busy.
P.S. Here's a good summary that I don't recall seeing posted here.
The Devaluation Funhouse
So, you still hanging on to that Narcissist? Good for you! I know, he‘s beaten your soul out of recognition and you don‘t know who you are anymore, but hang in there, things might turn around someday!
By now you‘re great friends with an adorable little quirk called devaluation. As you know, just about anything can bring this scene on, such as he‘d had salami for lunch, you asked him if anything was wrong, his friend got a new girlfriend, or you were so out of control as to criticize him (such as, "I feel like I‘m not as important to you as I used to be," or, "It was manipulative of you to threaten to leave if I didn‘t do as you say"). The mind of the narcissist is wildly chaotic, fraught with conflicts and about as predictable as the bullets in Russian Roulette.
But, usually, here‘s what happened: You Two Got Too Close. Yes, you probably invoked that bane of narcissistic existence, Mister Intimacy. Cuddling after nookie, kissing anytime outside of foreplay (when he initiates it), talk of meaningful growth in the relationship such as a commitment (even if he‘s living in your house and you‘ve been together five years) or spending time with other couples-- though this is all pleasurable and welcomed by good men, you were a very bad girl for subjecting your poor narcissist to such torture.
And here‘s how you‘re punished. At the drop of a hat, and usually after a particularly reassuring and close time together, he‘ll insult you. Or threaten the relationship. He‘ll tell you he doesn‘t see how the two of you will make it. You‘re so demanding. Projection is common: You don‘t give him what he needs. You play mindgames with him. You. You. You.
Now, this serves a gleefully vast array of purposes. One, it puts distance between the two of you and abates that terrifying and nauseatingly moist intimacy you two had going. Two, it makes you anxious and upset, and as all good narcissists know, how much they can hurt you is an EXCELLENT indicator of how important they are to you. Three, you immediately begin to try to reason with him or find out what brought this on, and that, of course, is rich, full-bodied attention directed at him, the nectar of narcissistic life. Four, you might threaten to leave him, which in his absolutely chaotic and absurd mind is what he wants, as a latent response to childhood anxieties. (Go ahead and convincingly say you‘re leaving. Watch him shift into capitulation overdrive. You‘ll see a turn-around that‘ll make your head spin.)
The most common form of narcissistic devaluation is the blame-and-bolt maneuver. You two are doing great. You‘re sitting on the porch together, playing footsies, talking about the dog. Then, he drops a dig.
"If we break up, I think you should take the dog."
This comes out of nowhere. You catch your breath and say, "What do you mean? Why would we break up?"
"Well," his powerful logic informs you, "Like I‘ve said before, I just don‘t know if this can work out."
"But, it already is working out. Why wouldn‘t it work out?"
"I don‘t know," he shrugs. "I just never really know with you. Sometimes I feel like you‘d rather die than let me know what you‘re thinking. I don‘t think a relationship can survive like that."
You sit in stunned silence, remembering his complaining the day before that you talked too much.
"So," he concludes with a flourish, "I don‘t know. That‘s all I can say. I just don‘t know." And, if he‘s bored with your response because it‘s not riveting or desperate enough: "I gotta go."
SCORE!! You‘ve been devalued! Sadistically put down, robbed of any orientation or security, told you‘re disposable, and it‘s ALL YOUR FAULT. Optional ornaments include rage, obscenity, name-calling, and maybe even a cliche‘d insult or two. (Narcissists aren‘t the most creative psychopaths in the DSM.)
If you‘re with a man who devalues you just once, get out. If you give him another chance, the probability of him doing it again and again is 100%. Your love and efforts will not save the relationship, it will bring on more devaluation. Get out and find somebody sane.
[This message edited by Longlost at 10:57 AM, November 26th (Monday)]
Our Thanksgiving dinner was *normal* (for us). The kids and I had a great time chatting, laughing and being stoopid in the kitchen while I was finishing up din-din.
Of course, for the second "Holiday Season" since *deleting me*, WTFH was perfectly miserable. Didn't speak unless prodded, and even then we heard maybe three words out of him.
He ignores his family. We don't exist. His own son was embarrassed ~ he told me later he has 'never seen his dad act that badly.' It was pathetic, at best.
But *we* had a good time. I think I've just accepted that he doesn't want us, and that our lives do, and have, gone on.
I never knew how horrible they act at the holidays. Back when WTFH actually wanted me as his supplier, it was a lot of fun. Now? not so much.
This freaked me out - way too close to home. Particularly the bit about kissing after sex. My ex always just walked off afterwards and it used to make me feel like dirt. I am sure it was deliberate. Sorry if this is too much info but it was a bit of a shock seeing it in words.
The part about spending time with other couples struck a cord as well. He could never understand why I liked to socialise and I would always spend the next 24 hours running down whoever we had spent the time with.
I just wonder will I ever stop being shocked by what I find out about npd and how it relates to what my life was like.
Glad you both had a really good holiday!
NoC ~ this was Luna's very first Thanksgiving. How are you both doing?
I trigger a lot on this day, but considering my N is OUT, it was GOOD over all with just a few rough patches.
My hugs of thnx to cj, BoB, & itsa for helping me.
He's raging at ME because HE had a crappy Thanksgiving because I had to go and tell my mom (finally, 4 months post-d-day when he was so g-d sure he wanted a divorce) what was really going on with me.
My thanksgiving was really great, actually, spending it with my family without having to wonder if he was happy enough.
Then after he told me how angry he was; I just felt so ticked the rest of the weekend. It is, always is, about him.
Veritas~ I just don't know HOW you cling to *sanity*!
Threnody: I am so glad you had a good Thanksgiving -- and tickled that you thought of The Tribe! I was thinking about you ladies, too, but I'll have to wait until After-NPD to get a computer of my own.
Longlost: That switching tactics thing is sooo my NPD. I'm really beginning to think he needs medication because he's either starting to forget the lies he told or he's too far gone to care.
cjones: I am looking forward to having a new normal. Isn't it funny how we spend years repressing stuff only to find out that when we start acting normal, the NPD looks obviously crazy? Like how could you miss it? How could I ever think I was nuts?
downfall, bobelina: Thanks for the inspiration!
dreamlife: I hold onto by letting go of it -- and venting in spurts here. It is my one safe place, as he reads my blogs and gets very ticked off if he doesn't look good, or if I reveal lies that he told. I don't get too many blog hits, but it ticks him off to think that someone could read what I write about him and think he's a bad person.
(((hugs))) to everybody! Hope you all have a great evening!
"Women are like tea bags...you never know how strong they are until they are in hot water!!!"