It helps he's training right now, so I have time to process. I don't know why I'm not mad. Maybe I'm still in shock. how did he react? how did you confront?
Yeah, you're probably not mad yet bc your body is still in shock... it hasn't "hit" you yet... although, when I found the msgs, I was shaking and trembling and my heart was pounding through my chest!!! maybe you have had suspicions for awhile now...?
He still tried to deny anything when I confronted him.. even tho I had the proof right there.. he said he had no idea what I was talking about.... but I will forever remember the expression on his face that lasted for one split second when I asked "who is she?!" he almost started to hysterically cry.... and he doesn't cry.....
When he finally came out and admitted that he had sex with another woman (maybe 10 mins after I confronted him), I was crushed... I was honestly shocked... it was hard to comprehend... it didn't feel real... my heart was forever broken....
He TT (trickle truth-ed) for the first few days... first he said it was only 3 times.. then he finally admitted that it was about 20 times :(
I confronted him by yelling at the top of my lungs... calling him names... everything I wish I hadn't done, looking back on it... you're "lucky" to have time to kinda prepare yourself b4 you confront him..
I wish I would have (tried to) composed myself b4 I confronted him.. and I wish that I would have given him a chance to come clean....
[This message edited by lovehatelove at 5:54 AM, March 7th (Friday)]
I work in the medical field and doc/nurse affairs happens a lot. In fact, I remember one surgeon who was having an affair with an OR nurse while his wife stayed at home with 2 kids. Everyone knew about the affair at work (colleagues, students, residents, etc) but everyone still loved the surgeon. His professional life was separated from his personal life. So, if your WH is a great doc, then the medical community will overlook his wayward behavior.
Does anyone turn a blind eye and pretend not to know while keeping your eyes open for signs of something happening. Can you be happy doing this?
Do not turn a blind eye because it will not go away and it will not stop!! I am speaking from experience. When my WH (was BF back then) was deployed to Afghanistan, I saw emails from him asking random women to send him naked photos. I did not say anything because he was at war, right. Then fast-forward to marriage, I saw emails where he flat outright asked a woman to be a FWB, she blew him off. I did not say anything.
Then months later, BAM!! I found out about a PA with another officer. I flew off the handle! I was shaking, heart racing, angry, and out of control. We went to MC, and tried R.
I read his email during the year of R, and turned a blind-eye, again. I saw his emails to a new woman almost begging her to meet him at a bar late at night. She blew him off. I saw that he had dinner with another woman while he traveled. Don't know what happened after dinner. I saw an EA develop btwn WH and another woman. I said nothing.
So, augustmarie, you have to say something because his behavior will not change. Do not blame the affair on deployment as your WH will always find a reason to have another woman in his life.
We are S now (4 days in) because I couldn't handle the EA anymore. It was eating me alive inside... I could not live a lie any longer...
It seems to me, that when I was in, we were able to setup our emails so we could also view them at home through outlook. With everything requiring the CAC now, I'm not sure if that is still possible, but I know it would help if me if I could.
I also still want details and don't want them getting the story straight. This stage sucks.
Thanks. All of this time to think is helpful. I'm sometimes too good at removing my emotions from the decisions I make, but when they come it's a flood for sure.
I've come to the conclusion that I need to confront him, and this site really gave me a good perspective and reality check I needed.
I am afraid of losing him. I couldn't imagine anything worse. Then I read something that hit home. They said. How would you feel if you lost them? Now imagine how you would feel if you had to share them with someone else permanently? Which is worse? Definately I'd prefer 1 to 2.
So for the week, I've given myself permission to snoop, to google the heck out of the other woman. Give myself the time to be a little crazy.
I've written down what I feel my deal breakers and boundaries are as well as the consequences (well it's a work in progress). I've made the choice that I want to work on my marriage. However, I don't think I should share that decision.
I want to tell him I know and relieve myself of holding the pain in my heart. It plays out well in my brain.. but I've always thought you shouldn't put in the middle of the poker table what you aren't willing to lose. A PA is one of those poker games he just lost his hand but he put his wife and son and homelife in the middle of the table. He's going to have to work hard to win his life back... Trying to figure out what hard work is to come.
The other thing that hit home is that if he and I are life partners, then we choose to be together. If I don't say anything for fear of losing him, then I am not giving myself the choice to leave, and without that choice I am letting myself be a victim. If he is staying and I don't give him that choice to recommit, then he doesn't have the choice to pick me and recommit to me. Time to suck it up and be strong. Marriage sure takes alot of work! Sometimes the easy choice is to walk away, but I can't let myself give up without both of us choosing that path together.
[This message edited by augustmarie at 6:05 PM, March 7th (Friday)]
Futurehoper- ooh, your story is Jerry Springer-ish. Is WH still involved in the A or does he just work with MOW? It sounds like you are in limbo until DEC2015. Are you going to try to R during this time? Why wait until the 20yr mark, for Tricare? But you say you are a doctor and make more than him! I'm confused, as healthcare isn't that expensive for docs! Is it to get 1/2 his retirement pay too? You know that you are entitled to his retirement pay now but the only difference is whether he pays it or the finance center pays it. Or is it because you are still reeling from the A and haven't formulated a plan yet?
I totally relate to you as I am a doctor too. It sucked going to work, talking to patients, managing their illnesses, etc when all I thought about was WH and the OW.
Married 30 years
If both involved in the A is mil, another term is to use is 'fraternization'. This one raises more flags especially if the two members are in each other's 'chain of command' such as the doctor/nurse. People still shy away from the term 'adultery' but when fraternization is used it catches more attention.
Recently due to several high profile Officer cases, misconduct like A's have come under the spotlight. Personally, thought I have only seen two cases go through legal, one was misconduct within a command's officer community. Several O-4's with same E-4, E-4 went vocal (choose me or I will kill myself routine) in front of a BW and then everything came out. The other one I heard of; senior enlisted was retained not sure if any damage to career but junior enlisted kicked out. Senior Enlisted BS was also MIL.
Yes, I've seen it pushed aside/rug swept by legal. But in the past few months there has been some very public figures in the military and new 'training' is coming down about this type of problem in the military. If you have physical 'proof' not the she said-he said stuff, it might be worth the try if that's your path to choose.
Some commands will try to ignore it, but if enough noise is made they HAVE to address the issue.
Now if you're AD and WS is CIV and has the A with another CIV, nothing can be done. Which is the crap I'm dealing with.
Finally: never buy the line "they are serving our country/defending our freedom" as an excuse to excuse their actions on deployment. First off: they broke the law, UCMJ. Second; many of us faced death daily and still honor the vows to our spouse. Its called Morals.. Now if only they could of done the same!
Hope that helps some of you with your decision. Best of luck.
Did you find that your husband/wife showed remorse when they found out you knew? How do you know that they show remorse and they don't continue to compartmentalize.
I feel like he was leading a double life when away and now that he is home it's 100% about the family. He never stopped calling, emailing, etc while on the road and there hasn't been a day I didn't feel like he truely loved me. So I struggle with that very much.
One of the people I used to work with traveled alot with his job over the years and is now retired, happy as hell with his wife and has a ton of grandkids. When I confided to him on a relationship years ago that was ended over a cheating fiance (yeah I can pick em). He said to me that it's a tough situation, that he had not always been the angel he was today, and that if his wife knew half of the crap he pulled on the road she would have left him long ago. He said he was lucky as hell she didn't ever find out. Seeing their happiness now, I always wondered if she knew and didn't say anything or if she just never knew and ignorance is bliss. That's why I even considered turning a blind eye.
Sorry just getting some thoughts out of my mind. thanks for listening.
This is my assumption... tell me where I'm wrong help me out on how it works.
So during deployment to a warzone to a larger camp. A guy and a girl work together, exchange personal emails start a flirtation. Then have hushed preparations to meet up, whether married or not. At first it's to the airfield.. Is this where people go to make out, sort of like a lookout point? What do you do at the airfield.
Then emails like...The "Is the coast clear, leave your door cracked".. To her mentioning she went to the dumpster that morning and there were "other pee bottles in the dumpster" with a returned comment from him that "She didn't think she was the only one did she".
So it's obvious that more than just my spouse stayed the night in a female's room he wasn't supposed to be in and he peed in a bottle since he obviously couldn't go to the shared girls toilet.
Makes you sick to know that this is common practice with all the "other bottles" that are mentioned.
So is this very common, is it seen but not talked about? Everyone is in a warzone and they use the opportunity to grab ass around the boardwalk and date openly, or is it obvious and never spoken about openly. I'm just wondering the landscape of what is normal behaviour. Am I the exception and most people are good to their spouses.. or am I one of the few that picked the wrong guy out of the bunch..
I finally confronted my husband by simply saying that I knew he had been with someone on deployment, and that I was hurt and I was confused.
He looked me in the eye, said very simply that he made a mistake, he was sorry and he never meant to hurt me. He was in a bad place feeling like he was making no difference. He recognized it was wrong at the time it happened and he felt guilt like they write about. He had already taken actions to stay home from the next deployment and that me and my son was his first priority.
I expected more from the confrontation, but he really separated it and said that it was wrong but it had nothing to do with me and that he loved and wanted a future with me. My gut tells me he really is just mine, my brain tells me everything should be different.
I found out years later of all the infidelities through my wh military career.
If I knew then what I know now I would never of stayed. He started his infidelities before we were married, while he was at his first duty station.
It continued every time he deployed, with one continuing after he got home.
His infidelities lasted up until a week before we had our first child. His infidelities went on for 10 years.
He said he chose to stop because he had a family.
The two things that are hardest for me to accept are, the lying for over 30 years and that it just stopped because we had a child. He deployed and went on smaller trips many times after we started a family.
If you don't confront him now it may continue. Get yourself a good IC and him as well.
Healing myself is now my top priority.
I guess everyone processes infidelity differently. Although my story is a bit different, I had (still have) a hard time thinking that MY husband was not only attracted to another woman but had sex with her multiple times. My WH has told me repeatedly that he loves me and wants our marriage to work. I know that WH loves me without a doubt, so it wasn't like the A was due to a lack of love. WH feels guilty too, blah blah blah.
Why are you letting your WH "get away" with the A? Just because he told you he felt insignificant while deployed? That's bullshit. Something made him cross the line and break your marriage vows. That "something" has not been dealt with. Why did he avoid the next deployment? Is it because he doesn't trust himself and is afraid of doing it again?
I do not mean to be harsh. There are days when I really wish I could be more like you. You know, make excuses for WH and agree with his behavior. I wish I could compartmentalize the A- just tuck it neatly away deep inside and never to think of it again. But I cannot. Maybe you can but if you read the posts on SI, you will see that your WH is BSing you b/c he is afraid to lose you.
My WH is an incredible man who is broken. At this time, I am trying to work through this with him so that I am/he is/we are stronger in the end.
Will he go for MC?