What kind of care for your healing are *you* getting? What is your W doing in addition to being honest? Are either of you reading books to help heal? In therapy? I'm sure it's unlikely you can access therapy, but I suggest talking to your chaplain if you can. While you can choose for this to be a private matter, you do need someone to talk to.
The folks here at SI have been a great help to me and my healing, I hope they can help you too.
Sorry to hear about your WW infidelity. I remember how lonely deployments can be, but that never gives a person the green light to cheat!
I hope you are getting some kind of support, maybe through IC with your chaplain.
I suggest asking your WW to set up an appt with a MC so when you get home the two of you don't have to wait. If you have military insurance, they pay for it!
Good luck, stay safe & Happy Holidays!
Healing myself is now my top priority.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, especially during your deployment. You or your WW can get in touch with Military One Source to set up counseling sessions for when you return. You can also set up some online or webcam sessions while you're downrange. I know it might seem crazy, but it really worked for me to have time and space away from the affair. I'd tell my FWH that we could talk about the kids, our days, day to day stuff, but that we had to avoid the big stuff until I had time to clear my mind for a bit. And time to go for a long run afterwards. I wish I had better advice for you. We're here for you. Stay safe.
I have been there. For me, we didn't have email, cell phone, and such to try and prove A's.
For me, I look back and see the signs I missed.
If you need support come here. You will find support and answers that will help you.
Am I being selfish? He has b.o. and bad breath, and sweats easily. I know he can't help it, he showers twice a day and brushes and flosses and it just doesn't help enough. He also has a cynical side which I've never liked.
It's like I don't want to be married to him anymore but I don't want to live without him either.
He is on his 4th deployment and today I basically gave him permission to "see" other women. It broke my heart. I'm so confused. He became such a good H after the A, a better H than before by far. Maybe now he deserves someone who loves him more than I ever can.
Today is/was our 20th wedding anniversary
[This message edited by AkKat22 at 3:57 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]
I'm so sorry you are separated. I don't think you're being selfish...you might not still trigger about the A but, clearly it damaged your relationship to the point that you simply don't want to be with him anymore.
What did he say when you gave him permission to see other people? Deployments are incredibly stressful, so take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself.
One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz
I guess I just like the comfort of marriage. The home life. The prospect of being without a partner seems so lonely. Then there's those stupid statistics about being middle aged and the chances of remarrying.
I am so sorry you are dealing with the issues of infidelity and deployments. We are 2 years into R and I feel that way everyday. I find myself having no patients where I used to have a lot when dealing with situations with my WH.
When I read you said you basically gave him permission to be with someone else, did he ask first or did you say...if the opportunity arises you can?
I know you have separated but I just wonder why he would ask, and on that day. Makes me sad for you.
You came to the right place for support. Hang in there!
Last summer during my H's 4month deployment he had an EA that lead to a PA with a military woman. This was not long term at all, they had only worked together on this deployment team. My H was last minute thrown into this team to replace a person who medically could not go.
We are almost 5 months past dday and in some serious limbo because he's working through his intense feelings he had with her. She left the military a month after they returned and there has been NC, since they broke things off to work on eachother's marriages.
My freak out is coming from this upcoming summer he is reporting to a new command and is deploying yet again but this time for 9 months. We're fresh with just starting to try to figure out all this messed up. I've been through many deployments through out his military career but never while handling/coping with an affair. My trust is completely shattered and I just don't trust him because he has yet to say sorry for what he did. He tells me he wants our family but he is still sorting through his feelings with her.
His twin brother, who's in the same branch, has told him he's unfortunetly seen this a million times and calls it the deployment affair mindset. He said most guys snap out of it when they get back because it's a fake bubble. They can't handle the real world everyday once they get back.
This next deployment feels like it's rushing us. Instead of patiently taking one day at a time, I feel like the clock is ticking to doomsday. I'm rambling sorry, I do that alot. Please advice/help anyone?
Are you guys in MC?
I can relate in that my husband took an out of state job (I was in the military) where he was several states away for 4 weeks and home 2 weeks. He left a little shy of 4 months after DDay. It was so hard, very emotional because I was still very much on the rollercoaster and he was very much the supportive one. I don't believe that we could have made it otherwise.
It sounds like MC is really important for you guys and Tri-Care does cover the costs. Seeing a counselor will help guide you along healing, have you two working together, and also help your WH figure out what he wants. I don't want to t/j here but if you'd like to talk just send me a DM!
One good note is that his deployment schedule has shifted dramatically. He might not have to do a deployment for another 1yr at least. That doesn't change underways and workups. But I hate this. I used to be so proud of him for doing what he does and now when he leaves in the morning it's nothing but a huge sense of dread. Because he has a government issued cell that I can't look at because of the sensitive informtion on it, he could still be talking to her. The long hours, that I freak out over that he could be exaggerating to go meet up with her.
The reason I want to report my WH is because I feel he should be held accountable. He's having an A with an active duty military woman, who is also married. They deployed together (USAF). I have enough proof to prove an inappropriate relationship.
Maybe I'm just being vindictive, but I hate the thought of them continuing on in secrecy. I hate thinking of myself as an accomplice by keeping their secret.
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold
I am holding onto evidence of my WH's affair in case I need leverage later during D proceedings (if we get there). But I know if I turn him in, that will only hurt me and my kids in the long run because he will no longer be able to provide child support if he loses his job...
"The only way out is through" ~ Fritz Perls
I know exactly how you feel! I found out in November that my Husband had an affair with a Department of State rep while deployed this last year. He decided he wanted his family and we PCS'd in January. Since then I have been on a crazy roller coaster of emotion and I feel like it keeps getting worse. He has now gotten back to the point where he just doesn't know what he wants in the long run.
Right now, I'm just trying to tell myself to take things one day at a time. Focus on right now. Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food? Are you relatively safe? He's going to MC, that's a good sign. Focus on the actions instead of the words (though I know that is intensely difficult). Remember, he comes home to you every day.
We are looking at another deployment soon too. He leaves for training October through mid-December then should deploy around April 2014. The timeline makes things feel rushed!
My WH cannot access his personal cell phone during the day because of where he works. He has a top secret email and computer at work that I can't access. I know he used to talk to her on his classified cell phone when he was deployed.
I know this may not help at all. But just know that you are not alone. And if you need anything...
Oh. Also, work on yourself. I'm trying hard to focus on the things that will make me happy (outside of the marriage). I've set up IC and have applied to Grad school. Right now I'm a stay at home mom and when I go grocery shopping, I pull a little extra money out so I can put it in a separate bank account. One day, I hope we use that money to travel, but I know it's there "just in case."
Apparently, I ramble too.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 13.
We married pretty young. I was a late 22 year old and he was an early 24 year old. About 6 months after we married he graduated college and joined the military. He went away for training while I stayed at worked. After training, we packed up and moved to our first duty station. I was able to transfer my job but that meant we lived about and hour and a half from his work.
We loved living away from our families and we started to figure out who we were as adults, individuals, and as a married couple. He deployed in February 2006 for his first time but it was cut short. He was there for 4 months before being sent back to be the Rear Detachment commander. Shortly after his return, I found out I was pregnant with our first child. I never wanted to be a mom but that was what the cards held for me. I ended up quitting my job after I had her and we moved closer to his work. My depression about being a mother and his guilt for having been sent back from deployment (and leaving his comrades) then his guilt for having a pregnant wife and the extension that happened at the time weighed very heavily on us.
We made it through and in 2009 he deployed for his second tour. I moved close to his family so I would have support with my daughter while he was gone. We made it through the deployment and worked on our marriage through mostly emails. Reintegration was as difficult as it always is but we made it and we moved to our next year long duty station.
We had a great year, really started to become a family, and I got pregnant with our second child.
Or so I thought...
In April 2011, my daughter and I moved to be close to my family while my husband had to go for training before deploying. He left for training in May 2011. I had the baby in August 2011 and my husband came home to meet him the following weekend. In October 2011 my husband came home for 10 days before having to deploy in November.
In January 2012 he was moved to a new place and given a new job where he had to work very closely with a Dept of State rep (who ended up being the other woman) and learn what he needed to do with this new job. In February 2012 the internet cut off on his base and he couldn't contact home without going to her side of the base. They continued to get close. She prompted him to play Sunday puzzles with her and create stories with story cubes while they were still friends. In late March they kissed for the first time. Then in early April they slept together for the first time. Their physical relationship lasted from early April through late July when her contract ended and she had to head back home. He came home for 2 weeks in June and I had no idea this was going on. I had no clue he was emailing her while he was home.
When he came home on November 2, 2012 he had to go back to his duty station. We talked on the phone but he didn't really seem interested. He arrived home to us on November 7, 2012 and late that night it all came out that he had fallen in love and had an affair. I found out that weekend that they were still emailing each other and I told him he needed to end things with her if he wanted them to work with me. He cried over it for 2 hours but eventually sent her the email. He then had to go back to his duty station for a week. When he came back he seemed more ambivalent than before so I decided I was leaving. The kids and I started packing and the next day he stopped me and told me he wanted his family.
After that, things were as good as they could be. We traveled to see his family for Thanksgiving. Then we flew out to his next duty station to find a house. We had a fantastic weekend!
Then we got back and it was Christmas. Then we were packing. Then his family came to visit. Then we were moving. Then we were here. And all the while I was screaming in my head "WHY????"
We moved to this new duty station in January 2013 and I have been very unstable. My emotions have been all over the place. Every day that he would come home, he wouldn't know if I was going to be sad, distant, angry, whatever. This went on for about 4 weeks. Then I got made. I started lashing out. I would get drunk, then get angry, then start yelling. A few weeks ago, the encounter became so bad that he became unsure again. He doesn't know if he's still willing to work on this. On us. I became so distraught with the thought of losing him that I decided to stop drinking. This lasted about a week.
Since then, we have still been fighting about once a week. But the fights haven't been nearly as bad as they were. I am proud of my progress, but he's to the point where he's talking about possibly moving out. He says that dealing with this crazy train just isn't worth it.
I know I've been crazy. And I hate it. We have been going to marriage counseling and I finally set up an individual counseling session for myself. He still comes home every night. He still cuddles with me every night. When he leaves for work in the morning, he kisses me and tells me that he loves me. If I only listen to his actions, they seem to say something so different than his words.
I fight myself between thinking that yes, I'm crazy and I don't like it and it needs to stop. I need to accept that what happened happened and neither one of us can change it. We need to start from here and figure out where we want to go.
Then on the other hand I think about how he's the one who put me on this crazy train and now he wants to jump off??? How dare he!
So anyway. That's where I'm at. Right now, I don't have a job and I have 2 small kids. I have applied to Graduate school and am planning on getting myself set so that I can take care of myself and my children. I know WS's say things in the beginning that maybe they don't mean, but I have his words repeating in my head. The first couple days after I found out he told me he was only here for the kids and to give me time to get established. Is that why he's still here? I've told him that and he asks me when he said it. He asks if it was in the beginning. It was.
What do I believe??? How do I stop feeling so freaking crazy all the time??? I'm really tired. I'm tired off all of it. But I keep thinking that if I give up...I'll never really know what could be. Then I think, it was so easy with him and her...doesn't that mean they were meant to be? Should love be THIS hard???
I'm sorry I've written a novel! I'm done now. Congrats and thanks if you have made it to the end of this!! xoxoxoxo
I never reported my WH because I found out about it long after he separated from the AF. If I had found out about it when it was actually happening, I absolutely would have reported him. Not just him, but everyone. ALL the people in his unit, from the commanders on down, were screwing around like this (except for one exceptional SSgt, bless his soul). They even had a commander go out and purchase all the whores one time in the Philippines (which was one of the only times my WH didn't partake in the activities). However, whether or not you report him is up to you. If you are still dependent on his salary or his medical benefits, then you might want to think about it before you do it. Will you be able to take care of yourself (and your children if there are any) if he gets demoted, or if he gets kicked out?
Then I think, it was so easy with him and her...doesn't that mean they were meant to be? Should love be THIS hard???
Of course it was easy with them. They were living in a fantasy world, which is an easy place to be. They weren't paying bills together, raising children together, packing and moving together. All they were doing was the fun part....sleeping together. It wasn't REAL, which is what made it so easy.
I think it's wonderful that you are going to graduate school, it will make your decision so much easier if you know that you will be able to take care of yourself and your children without his support. It sounds like your WH is still deep in the fog, and not at all remorseful. He wants to get off the crazy train?! WTF, he's the one that put you both on it!!! It was his decision, not yours, and now he wants to give up?! It sounds like its time to 180 him.
It's so weird though. If I listen to his words, it's all about how he's not sure. But his actions are so different. He's been asking me to cuddle with him. He kissed me before I left for a book group on Monday night (we haven't done that in a long time). He talks about his future but he talks about what "we" are going to do. He includes me in everything for his future. Until he says he doesn't know if he wants to be married or go it alone. I definitely think he's really confused. I watched a show yesterday where someone said they can't compete with a fantasy. That's how I feel. How do I compete with this fantasy he has. All I can do is get myself together and become independent so that yes, I can make my OWN decision. Also, I think that will help me get back to ME. When I started staying home was when I lost myself and became resentful that he got to go to work. I was never meant to be a stay at home mom and I've been trying to force myself into this mold that just doesn't fit. And I know he was too. Though I despise it....only time will tell. I must live in the now. Blah!
A few months later we got back together. We didn't have any children at the time. I am not sure what my answer would be, if I would report him or not, but with this economy and the struggles you might face being a single parent, please give it some thought of how it would effect you.
I know you are angry and you have good reason, but don't do something that would ultimately have an effect on your future as well. (speaking of child support and all)
good luck. make sure you come to SI for support. ((Hugs))
[This message edited by TarnishedSilver at 5:43 AM, March 16th (Saturday)]