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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right Deealwi, we do deserve better than this. I'm so sorry to hear that your husband has been deceiving you for so long. You should go to counseling, even if he doesn't. Hopefully it will help you see how destructive he is to your family and how you can change your life for the better.

I'm so sorry for your pain and I will be sending good thoughts your way.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1114 | Registered: Jul 2012
Deealwi
♀ New Member
Member # 36300
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Dameia. I appreciate your kind words.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Germany
Oldernotwiser
♀ Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 10th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH first affair was during a TDY, sounded like it was a free for all situation. Lots of alcohol, partying, mixed company all together in the dorms. 2nd affair was with co worker, every move brought me new anxiety about them being assigned together. They each did meet up again at least twice. They might say it isn't tolerated but, nobody seems to do anything to protect the spouses left at home.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, all my WH's affairs happened while TDY and drunk. The military encourages such behavior, IMO.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1114 | Registered: Jul 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The military encourages such behavior, IMO.

This is often, but not always the case IMO. It is a culture thing and sometimes it is hard to tell if the culture in your spouse's organization supports this or not. I think the main factor is peer leadership. Does everyone follow a ringleader or two like sheep? Or is each individual strong enough to say no when things get out of hand on a TDY? I think it varies and it is up to the individual to be strong enough to say no to participating in bad behavior when TDY/deployed/ in trng, etc.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it varies and it is up to the individual to be strong enough to say no to participating in bad behavior when TDY/deployed/ in trng, etc.

^^^I agree with that^^^

Unfortunately in my husbands unit ALL the men cheated on their wives (except for one SSgt. who was strong enough to stay away). Every time they went to Thailand it was a big drunk/whore fest. If they weren't working they were out at the bars drinking and whoring around. It was so bad, that one time in the Philippines they were locked down so the commander paid for an entire bar to be brought to them, including all the prostitutes that worked at the bar. It was a sick culture.

However in the end it is up to the individual people to know right from wrong. What hurts me is that my husband knew what he was doing we wrong, but kept making the same choice over and over again. I've never gone with the crowd and I thought my husband was the same type of person. Turns out I was wrong...


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1114 | Registered: Jul 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dameia, I'm so sorry.

It infuriates me that their commander set that kind of example!!

This is something that should most certainly not be condoned by senior leadership. Your husband's commander was an asshole. It puts anyone strong enough to say no to their peers in a bad place. It can be hard to say no to peers.... but your commander? Yes, they teach in basic training that you need to know the difference between what is a lawful and unlawful order.... but someone with a commander's rank and influence REALLY shouldn't be acting that way. How sad and infuriating.

As it is the E's frequently express disapproval of many O's. But this sure takes the cake.

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 4:05 PM, August 13th (Monday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Spitfire77
♀ Member
Member # 24486
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The military encourages such behavior, IMO.

Please don't believe this to be true. I'm a Soldier who believes 100% in honor and integrity. And I would say that out of the five units I've been assigned to, none have promoted a culture that is supportive of cheating. However, my husband was attached to a unit that turned a blind eye, even after receiving copies of the incriminating emails. Sure, a "no contact order" was given, but never enforced.

I understand where you're coming from, but please don't think all of us are cheating lowlifes.

(((dameia)))


BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
rising.phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 32399
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello there! I am a military wife as well, most of the EAs were friends from TDYs and the PA started while deployed to Iraq. There seemed to be attempts at healing, but now that he is deployed again and we have been physically separate for some time, my head is beginning to clear.

I am dealing with a lot of "ah hah" moments, I don't believe he is actively involved with another person at this time, but have no doubts that he will be at some point, whether it's near or far future doesn't seem to matter. What matters is, now that I am certain I don't have a future with him, how can I start designing a future at all until he comes home? He comes home in January, we are set to PCS in March, and we are overseas so relocating before he gets here is a bit of an issue. Also, I just don't think I can live with myself for talking divorce with him while he is deployed. I don't like the place I am in, I am trying to just make some plans and have a readiness to get on with it after he's home, but more and more, I just don't want to be here when he gets home.


The hardest decision you will ever make is knowing which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.

Don't lie to me, just get your things. I've made up your mind~ Evanescence


Posts: 153 | Registered: Jun 2011
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya, rising! It feels disloyal to think divorce when they are "serving" their country. In my case, I found out he was going online to various hook up sites and trading pics and sex talk. I don't know that he engaged in any kind of physical affair while deployed. But he would post on said hook up sites that his bitch wife ( that would be me! ) cheated on him while he was deployed, moved a boyfriend in the house and left him with nothing but his truck and his camper. I guess this was a trying-to-get-sympathy-tail kinda thing, because it was all lies. I do find it ironic that he is now living in said camper, though. And he can't even haul said camper with said truck. He has to borrow mine!


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
rising.phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 32399
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you! It does feel like a betrayal to me, but I do know it has to end and It is much easier for me to think clearly and get business taken care of when he is gone. I want him to do his job well, so I won't press the issue with him until I am settled in a plan and his deployment is either over or nearly over. Not that I am giving him false hope, either!

I think it's funny how yours foretold his destiny! And has to grovel for help!! I bet no one hears about THAT!!


The hardest decision you will ever make is knowing which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.

Don't lie to me, just get your things. I've made up your mind~ Evanescence


Posts: 153 | Registered: Jun 2011
rising.phoenix
♀ Member
Member # 32399
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, October 19th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope this is the right place! I really need a little help figuring out where to find some type of guidelines for divorce in the military. I don't want to be shafted, I am overseas so legal help is not real easy to get and if I have to move back and establish residency, I can, I just want *something* in the works as guaranteed income until I do.

Should I file separation and go establish residency so that I can keep some benefits and all for a bit longer?


The hardest decision you will ever make is knowing which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.

Don't lie to me, just get your things. I've made up your mind~ Evanescence


Posts: 153 | Registered: Jun 2011
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 22nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The military encourages such behavior, IMO.

Totally not the case. I just retired from 30 years Air Force and while in Special Operations spent half the year TDY. (Interesting...my WW was faithful while I was deployed, but not when I retired and started a new career).

The "Military" does not condone this. In fact, I've helped my Commander punish troops that commited adultery and sexual misconduct while TDY. It's the younger culture that condones this behavior. It happens when the supervisors and higher ranking are not around.

It's not the MILITARY, it's the depraved, despicable people that somehow made it into the military!

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 8:14 AM, October 22nd (Monday)]


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, October 30th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SecondHelping, it would appear that your experience was entirely different from mine. My WH was also Special Ops in the AF. In his unit it was condoned, even by the older higher-ups.

When in Thailand the enlisted men would go out together and they often ran into (although did not associate with) the officers who were TDY. The officers, mostly older gentlemen, were always covered with hookers. It was just the way his unit was. In fact, there was only one man, a SSgt., who was known to never cheat on his wife. EVERYONE knew about it, and everyone (save for the single SSgt.) participated. It's a truly sick culture.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1114 | Registered: Jul 2012
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, November 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the younger culture that condones this behavior. It happens when the supervisors and higher ranking are not around.

My husband is also retired Air Force. His first affair happened while deployed for a year. Prior to his affair, almost every supervisor was parading around the base with a younger enlisted female "TDY wife" away from his own wife back in the states. Every one of these guys was an older guy in a supervisory position and should have known better. They absolutely condoned and encouraged the behavior.

If my husband had just told me about it, I wouldn't have believed him. I'd have thought he was trying to make an excuse for his own behavior. But I know first hand that it's true. I went to that country and spent eight days watching it happen with my own eyes. In several instances, I was in the same place as one of the supervisors and his "TDY wife".

Affairs happen everywhere, in every career field, TDY or not, retired or not. Sometimes the atmosphere encourages them. Sometimes it doesn't. It boils down to this:

Even if my husband's commander hand-picked the girl for my husband and gave him orders to sleep with her, he knew better. He should have made the same choice I was making back in the states while I was working, going to college, and taking care of three kids by myself: to stay faithful. He didn't make that choice and he has no excuse for it that matters to me. I know from the OWs own words that she threw herself at him and made herself available. Again, it doesn't matter. She should have been able to lie down naked in front of him and have him walk around her.

Military or not, permissive atmosphere or not, affairs are selfish choices. And the fact that it's a choice is what keeps me from letting my husband off the hook for his behavior no matter what the surrounding atmosphere was like.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 12:35 PM, November 5th (Monday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4032 | Registered: Sep 2005
TarnishedSilver
♀ Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, November 8th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had all of his A's while away except for one, it was while he was away and homeport with a girl from his command.

It makes me sick to think that it continued when he came home.

This infidelity happened throughout a 10 year period in the late 80's and 90's.
I just found out about all of this last year!

It has been a huge struggle...its like finding out 10 different A's all at the same time.

Sad..that is all I can say. And we do have a nice life, H retired from service 5 years ago, has a good job.

What is really hard is I was in the dark all those years. To me he was always a wonderful, loving, caring husband.

Taking things a day at a time!


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 23 yo DD met a 21 yo marine color guard early this past summer, was engaged to him a few weeks ago and married him this past weekend. This is all very sudden. She's not prego.

She knows nothing about the life of a military wife. Has no idea what to expect ... nor do I. Any advice is appreciated (should this be moved to Off Topic)?

What does TDY stand for?

Thanks!


Posts: 1939 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TDY means temporary duty. They vary in length, can be days or months.

I suggest you start an off topic thread, as the opinions of many here don't seem to reflect very high thoughts of military folks after getting burned in conjunction with military service. There are many folks on SI that are present or past military who served honorably and are here because they are the BS.

Yes your DD married suddenly and young, but it happens a lot in this lifestyle, and many couples do just fine with it. I hope you can bask with her in happiness for her new marriage!


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, December 13th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NEM!!

Posts: 1939 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
bamaguy
♂ New Member
Member # 37856
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a few of these and most of them seem to be about the husband who cheated while they were deployed. Mine is different as my spouse cheated while I have been deployed. She has been honest with me throughout and has told me more than I wanted to hear but I am going to be home soon so all the anxiety is coming out now for both of us. Just hope we are going to be able to work things out here.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: California
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