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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
ba1987
♀ Member
Member # 28761
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Word of advice to those with spouses with PTSD. Try to find a counselor who will call it "adjustment disorder". This will not tarnish the service members record as PTSD can.


D-day: May 6, 2010
TT ever since

Looking for peace among the madness


Posts: 436 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Texas
TXMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, November 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my WH is OUT of the military, but the effects still linger. No doubt that 3 deployments, and loosing a friend during each of those deployments has left my WH broken. I think that is part of why the A happened. It happened after WH ETS'd out of the Army, however, he was so broken, so emotionless, so not himself.
Thankfully, he's starting to recognize how much the deployments have harmed him emotionally. He knows he's broken, and we're both taking steps to repair the damage that has been caused. We're going to do MC, and I'm hoping that he will agree to IC eventually...


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Is it bad that I'm just now able to say I'm in R?

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
simply broken
♀ Member
Member # 30227
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you can add me to the list.my husband didn't cheat on a deployment(that i've found out about yet), but rather, he cheated while he was away at bnok :( 3 weeks away and he spent them cheating.he also cheated before we married(before he was military) and i'm sure there are some i don't know about.so yep.here i am.


me-24
him-25
d-day--feb 20th 2010-feb 27th 2010, and more in july 2010.
3 beautiful children.not sure where to go or what to do.
*straight jacket feeling*
"etched with marks, but i can deal, and you're the problem and you can't feel"

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: georgia
LovingASoldier
♀ Member
Member # 30195
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in as well. Like simply, H wasn't deployed. He was gone 3 1/2 months for basic training. Yep, that's right, he JUST joined. He was faithful for the first half of basic (how could he be when they're confined to base for 5 weeks), and unfaithful for the last half (PA). It continued as an EA for about a month after he was sent to his next posting.

I can't blame it on the military, but I do blame it on how he was trying to fit into the military lifestyle.


Me: 28, BS
Him: 32, fWS
Us: 4 year old son, 1 year old daughter, in R.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Nova Scotia
Junebug0525
♀ Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH and I are both military. If you're familiar with the Navy, he started having an EA (turned PA later) when I made Chief (he didn't) and was going through induction. Then when he made Chief, I helped him as much as possible thinking that he was NC with her...turns out he had her helping him too. Fucker.

[This message edited by Junebug0525 at 3:39 AM, December 3rd (Friday)]


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
Junebug0525
♀ Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't blame it on the military, but I do blame it on how he was trying to fit into the military lifestyle.

I do have to say, cheating in the military isn't different than cheating anywhere else. It's really not part of the "military lifestyle". Cheating is actually against the rules in the military and someone can get in serious trouble if they get caught.


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
TXMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, December 3rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JuneBug, from my experience... they take care of their own. SO many BS's I know reported the cheating to commanders WITH proof, and nothing was done. From several different units, and posts. So, even if it is against the rules, there are usually no consequences. Now, I know that's not 100% of the time, but for the most part, that's what I've seen. I only know of one case where there was any consequence at all, and the only reason there was a consequence is because they were deployed and the WH was a direct superior to OW.

It's sad, and makes me think so much differently about the Army these days.

[This message edited by TXMommy at 1:25 PM, December 3rd (Friday)]


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Is it bad that I'm just now able to say I'm in R?

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
Phyreblade
♀ New Member
Member # 5886
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Txmommy, if you really read the regulation, it speaks directly to conduct that's harmful to the military or the mission. Commanders simply don't view their role as policing of their Soldiers' personal lives UNLESS what they're doing interferes in the Army's mission, in other words.

It's easy to feel "let down" when the Command takes little to no action to halt a Soldier's poor behavior. I myself have seen most Commanders doing far more to interfere than I would've thought reasonable, in fact. I even saw one Soldier, years ago, arrested and brought up on charges, put up for Court Martial, and jailed, I kid you not.

But seriously. Until it becomes a problem for Command that can't be fixed any other way, they simply do not choose to become involved. And honestly. I prefer it that way. My life is already so consumed with the Army, that I am leery of involving the military anymore than it already is. The consequences of Command involvement can end up hurting me as much as anyone else. And it's certainly never worked, that I've seen, to truly stop any Soldier's bad decision-making.


Blade

BS, aged 34, rebuilding 10 years
WS, aged 33, just redeployed from Iraq
Three children, all girls

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude...it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the


Posts: 39 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Southern USA
out of nowhere
♀ Member
Member # 30617
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, January 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The commanders really don't care. My husband's command is not aware of our situation, but I am familiar with two other families that did involve command. A friend of mine (her XH is a Seal-officer)reported that he was having affair/living with a fellow soldier (enlisted)while stationed in middle east. He cut his wife's access to money and she had to contact JAG to rectify. Their divorce is still not final and has been going on for several years and he has suffered no consequences at work. A military psych. that interviewed them both said that the military has too much time and $$ invested in his special forces training to give a crap about his interpersonal issues- said most special forces are screwed up and military knows it. They helped to create these monsters. The other soldier (also an officer) was in my husbands unit. He came home from Afghanistan on leave and his wife found pics on his cell of a female soldier (enlisted) giving him a BJ. She lost her mind (rightfully so) and MP's were called by a neighbor. Husband was taken to jail for pushing his wife, commander notified, etc. This bozo was transferred and PROMOTED. She is also divorcing him.


BW-43
WH-46
married 21 years
3 kids-
DD#1-12/15/2010
DD#2 - 01/15/2011
R- Hoping for the best

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Far from home
LovingASoldier
♀ Member
Member # 30195
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have to say, cheating in the military isn't different than cheating anywhere else. It's really not part of the "military lifestyle". Cheating is actually against the rules in the military and someone can get in serious trouble if they get caught.

I didn't mean that all military personnel are a bunch of cheaters. Most of the guys he was on course with were younger and single and free to do whatever they wanted. H was trying to fit in with them. This happens a lot during Basic Training here. Now that he's posted somewhere else on Trades Training, things are a lot calmer. Meaning the guys he's with are calmer. So I guess what I should have said was that H was trying to fit in with the younger guys, who thought they were living the "military lifestyle".


Me: 28, BS
Him: 32, fWS
Us: 4 year old son, 1 year old daughter, in R.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Nova Scotia
LNV21
♀ New Member
Member # 30819
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is deploying in the next few months... and a little less then a year ago I found out he was having an affair just days before gicving birth to our first child. The OW was in the same reseve unit with him they only had sex once but the emotional affair lasted 6 months. Now things are good but I'm affriad he will cheat again when he's deployed. Now I'm just wondering if there are any other men/women that had a spouse cheat and then never do it again... and what signs can I look for while he's gone to know if he will cheat all over again

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: lnv21
redringlett
♀ New Member
Member # 30283
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the hardest thing is that we never really can know if they will cheat again (or find out if they do). My WF is stationed in Japan for another 2 and a half years and now I don't feel comfortable going through with the wedding knowing that he cheated on me and could possibly do it again! How are we supposed to work it out if he is stationed overseas for years and the only way we can be together is if we are married?!?!?!? I hate the military sometimes!

Posts: 20 | Registered: Dec 2010
redringlett
♀ New Member
Member # 30283
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WF is a Master at Arms in the Navy. He works about 60 hours a week and often has training on his days off. His job can be extremely stressful. During the past two weeks he had to report to a fatal car accident and to a report of an unresponsive infant. The baby died of SIDS right in front of him. He also has dealt with calls for suicide attempts and domestic violence. He is stationed in Japan, and I am here in the U.S. I guess what I'm getting at is: do you ever feel guilty for trying to get your WP to talk about trying to work on your relationship or about his/her misdeeds, when they already have so much on their plate? I feel like he just can't emotionally deal with this right now.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Dec 2010
tryingtwo
♀ Member
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, February 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for an SI member and an honored member of our military.


Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10311 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Sad  Posted: 1:57 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH is coming back from deployment in a couple months and instead of feeling happy and excited I have these feelings of doom and gloom.

He was only home a year after I found out about the A and then deployed again so we've been R via internet. His 2 weeks R&R went really good. But this just seems so different now.

When he returned from his previous deployment, it was just one bad thing after another. I knew something was wrong when he kept nitpicking and bringing really old arguements. Friends kept telling us to just wait til he got home to figure it all out. Instead I got hit with a bombshell.

There was no happy reunion on the field. All the families and such were smiling and happy and hugging. I turned around looking for him, so excited he was back. There he was just standing there staring at me, no smile, no excitement. I was crushed. Little did I know at that time that he had been in an EA for 3 months, having re-connected with an old teenage flame over the internet.

Needless to say the antiversary is looming large. June 1 he came home from deployment. June 5 she came to visit disquised as an old family friend, June 7 they made their EA a PA. June 19 D-Day.


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
why2008
♀ Member
Member # 18378
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AkKat22 I wasn't even allowed to go to his redeployment ceremony (had an 11 month old and a 4 year old and we lived in another state, we were living in MD he returned to Texas.) and from reading your story I guess I should be happy. I can see the same scenario unfolding, he was barely happy to see me after he wandered home after screwing both of his whores stateside.

Friends kept telling us to just wait til he got home to figure it all out. Instead I got hit with a bombshell.

Oh yeah, that sounds familiar.

So you are coming up on the first antiversary, it is the hardest especially after such a disappointing reunion... Take care of yourself on that day and the days leading up to it.

I previously had tried to find a way to "redo" the homecoming, but nothing can replace that moment of celebration that was stolen from us. I totally get how painful that memory is for you.


Me - BS - 46
Him - WS - 44
Two daughters / 10 and 7

Posts: 4072 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Maryland / DC
WarInside
♂ Member
Member # 31736
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not military, but my WW's PAs began while I was in southern Afghanistan last spring with Marines. I was only there six weeks, but it was violent spot. She actually cheated the night after I called her to let her know I was OK following a firefight.

I feel frustrated by the situation on several levels. On one hand, I'm going through something service members and their wives/husbands deal with more than they should. On the other, I wasn't gone during a seven-month or year-long deployment, but during a six-week trip.

Sad, really. I'll say this: As screwed up as my own life is right now, I admire faithful military spouses and what they go through now more than ever.


31-year-old X-BH
29-year-old X-WW

D-Day in October 2010.

Separated In August 2011.

Divorced in March 2012.

Happy again.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Apr 2011
why2008
♀ Member
Member # 18378
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad, really. I'll say this: As screwed up as my own life is right now, I admire faithful military spouses and what they go through now more than ever.

Thank you. And I am also so sorry for what you have been through. I don't think the time you were away makes a difference... it's not like it was in WWII where couples are separated for years with only mail, there is alot of contact and vows are and committments don't waiver in the absence.

I think what is so disheartening as a military spouse is that I wrapped my marriage and family up in a flag of patriotism, honor and loyalty... and then I felt like my WS set that very flag on fire with us still in it. It made a mockery of what I believed our family values were all about.



Me - BS - 46
Him - WS - 44
Two daughters / 10 and 7

Posts: 4072 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Maryland / DC
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I see posts on military support sites and debate pages about how spouses trust their SO 100% and know they would never cheat "they're just not that kind of person". I can't help but think how ignorant they are. I truly miss being that ignorant (trusting).

why2008; this is our 2nd antiversary. I know, I can be so pathetic. Almost 2 years this A happened and I feel like I'm right back at D-Day sometimes. The month of June sucks, I wish I could just skip it.

WarInside; Sorry you're here, but my complete sympathies to you and your SO. I think about it, a lot sometimes, and wonder "WTF". After all that I've learned here, I know it wasn't my fault and it was just his lack of self-esteem and warped view of things at the time. The healing library is extremely helpful.


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
Spitfire77
♀ Member
Member # 24486
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're a dual-military couple. I had plenty of offers while deployed, but was always faithful. So nice to know that my WH threw away our marriage for the first "desert ho" (my words) to "throw it at him" (his words). We're two years out from our DDay #1, but I left for an assignment right as he was returning home. This has really been my first chance to face what happened with him in the same place.

I went to his redeployment ceremony. Now I feel like an idiot, because the OW was there. He did the whole "happy to see me" thing, but I could tell something was off. This was after DDay #1, and he had told me it was just an EA that he had broken off. Had I known then what I know now, I would have left him there to find his own way home to find his stuff in garbage bags on the front porch.

I guess what I'm trying to say is (((AkKat22))) (((why2008))) (((WarInside))).


BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
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