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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
Beyondhurt911
♀ Member
Member # 28277
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 28th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

atfault,

I have all the proof I need to prove to the military he had an A including his admission. The other thing is he is a Major, capable of making his own decisions.

trying,

It is probably good for you to post here. There are many BS that can help you try to do the things you need to do to R with your W.


Me-BS-39
Him-WS-42
M-18yrs
D-day 03/24/10
3 kids- 16,11,and 4

Posts: 229 | Registered: Apr 2010
lisaloo
♀ Member
Member # 20082
Question  Posted: 11:56 PM, July 30th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a question about spousal support...WS changed the direct deposit to go into another acct and has informed me that he will send home $1000 per month for me and my daughter to live on. The damn Jag office says that since he is paying the mortgage (not in my name, and technically not helpful since WS thinks I have moved out of the house) that he is not obligated to provide anymore support than that...they contend that the commander is doing me a favor by 'making' him send home the $1000 a month. How the hell is that doing me a favor? I cant support myself and a child on 250 a week AND pay the bills AND eat. And how in the world is him paying a mortgage that is not in my name and not being obligated to provide any other funds to his family not considered abandonment?? Ideas on what to do next? I've informed WS's CO that I will just visit ACS and the Red Cross every month to request money under WS's name until something is done and that I plan on having a congressional investigation done on the matter as it all seems just wrong...honestly, what am I missing here?


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
Beyondhurt911
♀ Member
Member # 28277
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 31st (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lisaloo,

That does not sound correct. I would seek a civilian lawyer, and get their opinion. They will do a counsultation for free.


Me-BS-39
Him-WS-42
M-18yrs
D-day 03/24/10
3 kids- 16,11,and 4

Posts: 229 | Registered: Apr 2010
CryingGreenEyes
♀ Member
Member # 24753
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, August 8th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lisaloo... Get in touch with a civillian attorney ASAP! That is NOT the way it works... but the "old boy network" protects their own! You need help and should not have to fight to get it. You can also continue up the chain of command... remember the squeeky wheel gets the grease. Make noise... a lot of it! Eventually, if for no other reason... you'll get what you need to shut you up. The Command staff doesn't want to be bothered by this stuff. Start rattling some cages!


"The truth shall set you free... but first it's really gonna piss you off!"
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."

Posts: 1538 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: United States
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 19th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The scenario as described is not as it should be. Schedule a consultation with a civilian lawyer and go get'm.

I was Active for 10 years, and deployed, went TDY, went to the Field, etc.., if you're on this thread then you know the routine. Unfortunately, my ex took those "opportunities" to, umm, Spread her Wings.....

Had to leave the only career I was good at to come back to a place I despise to help provide some stability to my kids. The last few months I was in, she was at my previous duty station (Ft Sill) with a boy toy, I was in Alaska (Ft Wainwright), and our daughter was in ICU in Stockton. I have no sympathy for cheats, husbands or wives.

So once again, GO an GET'm.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 897 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
Try2Forgive
♀ New Member
Member # 29453
Frustrated  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 28th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new here and have spent a few days looking over previous posts. I am amazed by how many of "US" there are. I wake up every day wondering if I will find out there's more going on. My marriage was shattered by my husband giving away what wasn't his to give, and his whore taking what wasn't hers to take. I am still in shock, only found out a few months ago - - - we are "working on it", but he finds excuses not to go to counseling (but has time for everything else). "She" pretended to be my friend, didn't give a $hit about her husband or their kids, and acted like the immature child she is. "He" (my WH) threw away the best part of our marriage - my trust in his unconditional love. He said he wants to stay with me, has broken off ties (as far as I know), and is trying. But I still have my doubts.

I just want to throw up when I think of them together, and have lost almost 20 lbs of stress weight.

I just needed to reach out for some support.

BTW - I am a military spouse, and so is the OW.

[This message edited by Try2Forgive at 9:47 AM, August 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: NJ
tellmewhy
♀ Member
Member # 29302
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, September 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out about this forum. So many things here I can relate to.
We were AF for 32 years. I stayed with him through multiple deployments and moves. He retired 3 years ago, became "unhappy" and started the A about a year ago.
Just when I thought life would settle down and we would have the freedom to travel, relax, he has destroyed our lives.
Trying to make sense of it all.


Me (BS) - 60+
Him (WH) - 60+
Married 43 years
D-Day: July 26,2010
"Kids" - 35 & 32

Posts: 179 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Northern VA
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone who can help a soldier who's deployed in Afganistan? He's over in JFO...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5969 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
cotton00
New Member
Member # 29663
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, September 20th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in the Newly found out forum. Feel like reposting in another thread. Not sure if R, how will I deal with TDY??? Can't!


How to start? Iím bewildered, hurt, angry, and very numb. It seems to come and go in stages as the hours pass. Today is my anniversary. My husband called me 5 days ago from his military deployment to tell me that last feb he had a ďtrystĒ after drinking too much while TDY for training prior to the deployment.

She contacted him through a random person on facebook who must know her. She says that she is pregnant. He decided to confess to me so that said facebook person wouldnít contact me and blow the lid off. The baby is due in early November. I donít know who she is, just that sheís a skanky bar-fly who apparently did not know she was preggo for 6 and a half months and so could not "take care of it" (her words). (really????)

Iíve spent the last five days in shock, in tears, and in painÖlearning acronyms and terms on message boards I had never thought to visit. Last night, a little further questioning revealed that he saw her not once, but twice. So, he got drunk at a bar, took her to his hotel for the night, and did it again 2 days later.

He obviously doesnít even know the meaning of the word ďtrystĒ, or he never would have used it, as it implies complete premeditation of lovers. This last revelation was the real kickerÖonce may be a mistake, but he went back for more. Skank.

I had to call to get an appt with the ob/gyn and mental health counselor todayÖnot a fun task on my anniversary. I felt like a leper.

Iím leaving on a vacation with my sister that was set before all this happened in only 3 days. Iím not sure how Iím gonna process. I canít tell her. Sheís not the forgiving typeÖmore the cut them out of your life and burn out their eyes type. If we do reconcile, holidays would be hell for all time. Sometimes, like now, Iím pretty numb. Sometimes not so numb. This weekend was horrible. I pulled together for most of my work today, though my hands were shaking, and it felt like my heart was literally breaking at times...the actual chest pains like youíve been stabbed.

No getting to throw things and scream and yell at him. He isnít even here. I havenít seen him physically for almost 4 months. He doesnít come back for nearly three more months, before Christmas. Iím not sure what Iím supposed to do but sit and wait. He called last night and caught me in a numb moment and thought I might be doing better. I donít think he realizes how long this is going to last. That the thought of S makes me want to vomit. That the thought that if we do R, I will be paying child support for the next 18 years to a skank.

I know this another forum directed at people that have had ďOCĒ (I growl like a jungle cat every time I think of that insipid acronym and would much rather call it what it is.) during an affair, but he signed up on it. I do not want him reading my thoughts. They require 50 posts to get into the BS section, and as a new member, I do not have enough. I emailed them a few days ago, and no response. Wonderful, isnít it?

Even the receptionist at my OBGYN was snooty when I told her what I needed at the docís. We live in the bible belt, and she seems to think that any female patient calling for an STD test must be a slut. I could have cheerfully scratched out her eyes when she told me that I needed to go to the Department of Health instead. (resolved this a few minutes later, but the response still pissed me off royally.) We had seen that doc because heís also a fertility specialistÖwe were trying to have a baby. Nearly 3 years of me not on BC, and two nights with a skanky barfly, and she gets a baby. Thatís just salt in the wounds.

No, we have not done the paternity test yet, but the timing is perfect. Knowing now that he did it twice, and what I know now about the chances of conceptionÖIíd like to hope that it isnít his, but I really canít allow myself to be deluded by hope.

That all said, (and yes, thereís more) he seems genuinely contrite. He says it was only that time, but I donít think I can believe it. He says that he had no contact with her until the calls came about a week ago. I have forbidden him to have any further contact with her except in regards to the testing that needs to be done. I donít know how anyone can ever trust someone again completely, or if you just kind of coast through a marriage with no trust and learn to live without it.

The thought of that fills me with a deep fear. Iím afraid that he will come back, and weíll try for a while, and then it will all end in flames anyway.

I have more I could write, but I just donít think this is all going to fit in one post. Going to the counselor in two days. Iím really hoping she can prescribe me something to get me through a fun-filled vacation with my sister (who already kind of grates my nerves). Does anyone have any experience with that? Going to the obgyn the same day for the most humiliating doctor appt of my life. I canít believe that he could have given me a disease. That would just be the shit icing on the cake of hell and maggots.

He is so selfish. Iím glad that heís stuck in a tent in a sandpit alone for the next three months. F if Iím sending him any more care packages. He can rot for a while. That said, I love him with all my heart. I canít imagine D. I donít know what I would do. But, I need to love myself as well. I canít imagine finding another guy like the man I thought he was before this. I always thanked my lucky stars for him, and he did for me as well. He told me how lucky we were and how awesome I was all the time. I am totally disillusioned.


D-Day--15 Sep 10
Me-BS Him-WH
Married 2 yrs, together almost 4 yrs, no children.
possible OC, will know in the next few months

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2010
cotton00
New Member
Member # 29663
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, September 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to add, I posted that thread last night. I read the previous page of this thread today.

I did not add that I am a former AF officer; that's how I met my WH. I know all about TDY, and the crazy things that can happen. I know a lot about JAG, and how things go down. Rarely have I seen Art 15s for adultery, but I did once. Haha for those reading, I was in Incirlik after 9-11 (I was single at the time.), and they sent all the dependents home for fear of gas attacks. As a single person, it seemed like the married community went wild and crazy. I directly know of at least 5 unknown affairs and surmise there were many more. One, a CMSgt, confessed to his wife when she came home. She walked right to the MP desk and told them to arrest him. They did. His affair was with another CMSgt...didn't go well for anyone. A SSgt's wife actually stabbed him with a steak knife when she came home. He died...that kind of news makes the rounds on a small base.

All the prosecution is left up to the individual commanders. That's why you see so much difference in sentences and results around the military. Some are total bullshit, and some are way too hard. As a BS, you may want to get the WS prosecuted for vengeance, but monetarily, it might not be the best idea.

His or her pay will be docked in half for 2 months if there is an Art 15. In some cases, rank will also be stripped, meaning less money available for alimony and child support.

That said, yes, if you aren't getting support, you need to talk to commanders. Freaking call the XO and make an appt to see his brigade commander. Go all the way up. If they are saying that $1000 a month is sufficient for you and your child, you need to go up the chain and squeak that wheel. Believe me, no senior officer wants to deal with this. However, most of them are quite kind to spouses and understanding. You'd be surprised how much power they have...They'll talk to Finance, and they can initiate things you never dreamed of. There is nothing prohibiting you from meeting with his boss's boss, or their boss's boss. I don't recommend it as your first step, but if you are not getting enough monetary support, and a commander is stonewalling you; they have bosses as well.

I recommend a civilian lawyer that is prior military. Lots of JAG retire and go into the civilian business dealing with military-based issues. They are usually the freaking best at what they do and have a superior grasp of the UCMJ as well.

How do I know this? I was a commander's XO for a year and a half. I saw a court-martial where a an E3 got off all charges, even though he totally did it...his lawyer was a former JAG, now civilian. All three women who testified against him as harassing (and they were totally truthful...bra snapping, emailing, thigh touching, the works.) outranked him. This lawyer got it into the head of the jury that no one who outranked someone could be sexually harassed, as they outranked him and should have put him in his place. In the trial, he got off scotch-free. My commander was devastated. Three women had come to him with claims of sexual harassment from this a-hole that were completely true, but this lawyer was really good. That said, in that case, it went wrong.

HOWEVER, in the case of actual justice, somebody that knows the UCMJ by heart and has lots of interaction with military law might be better than a regular lawyer. If you are seeking a lawyer, just my two cents.

[This message edited by cotton00 at 6:31 PM, September 21st (Tuesday)]


D-Day--15 Sep 10
Me-BS Him-WH
Married 2 yrs, together almost 4 yrs, no children.
possible OC, will know in the next few months

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2010
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, September 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CottonOO, so sorry you are here, but know that you are not alone. My WS and I have been R for over a year now, and it has gotten easier, but still have my really bad days when I want to hurt them both. No OC that we know of thank goodness, I don't think I would have been strong enough to survive this far if it had come to that. Mostly his was a love affair, and that truly hurts, knowing that he loved her so much and all the hateful things he said about me. The words are so hard to get past. We finally saw a counselor a month before his 3rd deployment and it helped immensely. I don't send care packages this time. I figure he got enough of them last time from her and I. He's trying really hard to R with me, but sometimes the triggers get the better of me. You sound like a very intelligent person and I believe you will get through this ok, with or without him. Big hugs to you.


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
cotton00
New Member
Member # 29663
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, October 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AkKat--Thanks so much. I was really venting when I posted that. Maybe too much. I don't
know. I think I was journal-ing out loud, I guess.

I spent some time alone on vacation for a week. It was a bit fun, despite all the pain; it reminds you that there's a lot of life and activity out there.

I've wondered at the lack of response other than you...I wonder if it is because so many of us decide on divorce, because the TDYs are so difficult to overcome. I've also thought maybe my poisonous thoughts were just too hard to respond to. I was really angry, and I still am, but my initial posts were really ugly.

What scares me the most is that he is over there...dealing with this in a combat zone, and I am safe at home. He flies every day, and I worry about the stress. What if my reactions of pain cause him to lose judgment over there??? It also makes me angry that I worry about it...grrr. But, what am I supposed to feel?


D-Day--15 Sep 10
Me-BS Him-WH
Married 2 yrs, together almost 4 yrs, no children.
possible OC, will know in the next few months

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2010
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, October 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cotton00
I thinnk most don't respond because we tend to heal just reading others posts. I know it helps me a lot. I read posts from almost all the forums and there is always something in there that helps. Just knowing I'm not alone I guess. I still vent too much Even though its been over a year. Most say it can take a good five years to really get through it and I believe it. There's lot of good advice on here. The healing library is an absolute must read. Feel free to private message me also if you like. My FWH flies also but I'm not holding back anything just for him anymore. He has resources over there and we've discussed that issue. I need complete open communication with him in order for the R to work.


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
infantrydad
♂ Member
Member # 5877
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, October 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well unfortunately i am back, wife is on her second deployment this time to afghanistan and all the old signs are back. I dont have 100% proof or anything but im 98% sure. I think the other 2% is just wishful thinking. Have no idea what to do now. any of you guys happen to be in bagram let me know. Sucks that we all have to have this in common of all things..

Posts: 134 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Italy
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

infantrydad--what is going on that makes you think it is occurring again?

Deployments, TDYs, etc...it is difficult. Since our DD Jan 09, I think we had lived together for 7 months (due to WH's remote assignment, my deployment) and now I have orders to PCS in Jan 11 without family.

I guess I just wanted to say that you are heard, and I can relate. Not sure what is in store for us, as I "trigger" so badly when we are in the same house. It is like we have to start all over again.

I can say for me, when I deployed this last time, I had to compartmentalize ALOT. WH did his best to be open and communicate daily via email. I would still vent to him and ask questions...but this time, he answered/talked to me honestly (during my previous deployment, he told me that he was so worried about me that he lied to me, instead of telling me how he really felt; this deployment he did not do that).

However, when I got home, I just couldn't do it anymore, and all the lids of my compartmentalized boxes flew open...not in a good way. These days are difficult. And now with my looming PCS, I feel like I have to "hurry up" and get through this.

Hang in there everyone!!!


Divorced

Posts: 1101 | Registered: Sep 2009
toasted_male
♂ New Member
Member # 29941
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW is military. I am not. She's deployed and had a months-long affair with a coworker that I discovered by checking by e-mail. Two months later we have yet to confront this face to face. She promises to R but I have serious, serious, deep doubts. I've read the 180 and plan to adjust accordingly, immediately. I've been through the cycle of hope, despair, anger, depression and hope again many times already and through counseling, exercising and indulging myself in travel, entertainment, whatever, finally feel like I'm gaining control of myself. This forum has been great. Finally, people who are experiencing the same raw deal. I don't feel so alone and helpless anymore.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2010
willowiris
♀ Member
Member # 5372
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Toasted Male. Welcome to SI. I saw this was your first post. You might want to post in general or just found out to get some more replies, as these threads don't get as much attention.

I am sorry that you find yourself here, a part of a group no one wants to join. i hope you find the healing that I found here.


D-day 09/2004
Filed for divorce 9/2006

We accept the love we think we deserve. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."


Posts: 12326 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Margaritaville
ChampCar#10Fan
♂ Member
Member # 8802
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, November 4th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was active military but not on deployment. I was driving a family of seven to Houston from an evacuation shelter after Hurricane Katrina, and she was driving about 70 miles from the house to lay up with someone else.


Me - BH (29); Her - WW (29)
D-Days - 11/8/05, 5/13/07
Asked for D 1/16/09
Filed for D 4/29/10
D Finalized 10/7/10

For in much wisdom there is much grief, and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.
- Eccl 1:18 (KJV)


Posts: 175 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Gulf Coast
darth.roach
♂ Member
Member # 30096
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, November 14th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how does the 180 change if at all for BS with WW that have PTSD, i am reading some of them and they sound very good for a "normal" couple that hasnt been deployed for the last 10 months. any idea's?

the big thing that i am wondering is in the BS FAQ the last question is "one a cheater always a cheater" my WW is really ready to go on another deployment to "do things right this time." yet she has shown little to no remorse and still blames me (srsly she was 6000 miles away what was i supposed to do) i dont know whats PTSD and whats real, she wants to renew our vows and do a whole new wedding...and she wants the A to go away and be swept under the rug, but not willing to do much of anything toward R, because she isnt "over" all the stuff that has happened in Iraq and since she came home.

[This message edited by darth.roach at 2:57 AM, November 14th (Sunday)]


DD 5-24-2010
BS-me 29
WW-27
7 years together
R in the works
1 Son 2.5 yrs old

Posts: 56 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: MPLS
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, November 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

darth.roach

In my opinion, PTSD has to be addressed first and seperately from the infidelity. She needs to be in counseling which can be accomodated on most deployments through the Chaplain. IC for you would be recommended too so you can start to heal from the A, with the knowledge that until she gets her symptoms under control, she won't be much help in R.

I am sorry you are going through this. PM on the way with some resources to get started if you are interested.


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

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