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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
Beyondhurt911
♀ Member
Member # 28277
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 15th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with NOT getting him kicked out of the Army. There are strict policies about having an affair while depolyed/mobilized. If you get turned in for an A, the Army kicks you out. Being he did this while being gone with the Army, I want to take the one thing away from him that he holds dear to his heart. I want to turn him in so he'll never go anywhere again. And when he gets his discharge papers, I want him to look at them and remember even the Army wouldn't keep you for what you did. He is 4 years from retirement. I don't know if I can take 4 more years of the Army constantly reminding me of his A. What ever happen to your West Point Creed you hold so dear "DUTY, HONOR, COUNTRY" Did you forget the honor part?


Me-BS-39
Him-WS-42
M-18yrs
D-day 03/24/10
3 kids- 16,11,and 4

Posts: 229 | Registered: Apr 2010
ba1987
♀ Member
Member # 28761
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 15th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BeyondHurt,

Wow, I looked at your profile and notice our kiddos are almost the same age.

I have 3, 15 y.o., 12 y.o., and 4 y.o.

I don't want him kicked out, I just want him to man up. It pisses me off that he's sitting around telling me that I need to call, even though he's the one who screwed up...

[This message edited by ba1987 at 2:04 PM, June 15th (Tuesday)]


D-day: May 6, 2010
TT ever since

Looking for peace among the madness


Posts: 436 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Texas
Beyondhurt911
♀ Member
Member # 28277
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think on some level WH thinks he deserved to do this because he was sacrificing for his country. Well I was the one holding the family together, busting my ass while he was off having a party "defending the country".


Me-BS-39
Him-WS-42
M-18yrs
D-day 03/24/10
3 kids- 16,11,and 4

Posts: 229 | Registered: Apr 2010
mommy41
♀ Member
Member # 28469
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beyondhurt911 I sure wish that that was true...but honestly the Army would probably be kicking out at least half of its members if it was. :( The Army is doing little to nothing about infidelity.
My WH (almost 23 years in, E9) had a PA at the end of his R&R from Iraq last summer. He had already left us to head back to Iraq and was on TDY for a few days to meet with his replacements at Hood. I'm also about 90% sure he had a PA with a contractor while in Iraq.
Makes me sick but there is nothing that the Army is going to do about it.


Me: 41
WH: 41
Married 6 years
One DD, 6
DDay#1: 3/15/10...internet affair while he was deployed. Found out the day after he came home.
DD#2 & 3 in May 2010
Kind of R I guess.

Posts: 75 | Registered: May 2010
ba1987
♀ Member
Member # 28761
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, June 16th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is sad that they don't take a tougher stance.

But I guess it's like any other employer, you wouldn't get fired from Wal-Mart for having an affair.

I guess why I feel like they should put more effort into stopping it is that the MILITARY is taking them away from home for a long period of time. They should have more support in place for soldiers and families. Before, during AND after the deployment...


D-day: May 6, 2010
TT ever since

Looking for peace among the madness


Posts: 436 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Texas
Beyondhurt911
♀ Member
Member # 28277
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mommy41,

If I went to the Army aand told them about his A while being mobilzed, they would kick him out. It is in their mobilization paperwork. My FWH was the one who told me about it when he begged me not to take the Army away from him. If the BS outs them, they get the boot.


Me-BS-39
Him-WS-42
M-18yrs
D-day 03/24/10
3 kids- 16,11,and 4

Posts: 229 | Registered: Apr 2010
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH has 20 yrs in the military and had me convinced that counseling was bad for his career. Finally gave him an ultimatum and he made the call to militaryonesource. We have been in IC/MC for 2 weeks now and it seems to be going well. I think in order for him to get into trouble for his A then I have to be the one reporting it. That's what some of our friends have said. I could care less about him getting his retirement now, I just want my H and my life back. Heading into his 3rd deployment and I'm anxious as all get out.


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
ba1987
♀ Member
Member # 28761
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AkKat22,

Yeah, I so don't buy the whole, "it's bad for my career" lie. Whatever.

Just one more way not to take responsibility.

My spouse claims that because he used MilitaryOneSource once before, HE can't call. Bull. When I called them, they said it's 12 sessions per person, per issue, per counselor!

And he said that he couldn't call a counselor from our provider list because if his command found out he'd lose his deployable status (which would set him up for being medically discharged).

I'm sooooo throwing the BS card on all that!


D-day: May 6, 2010
TT ever since

Looking for peace among the madness


Posts: 436 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Texas
ba1987
♀ Member
Member # 28761
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 19th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anyone here divorced from a WS? How do you do that? Can I get a JAG lawyer, or am I better off going civilian? And what kind of monetary support will I most likely get?

THanks in advance!


D-day: May 6, 2010
TT ever since

Looking for peace among the madness


Posts: 436 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Texas
Andie
♀ New Member
Member # 28237
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ba1987, you absollutely can talk to a JAG lawyer. You and your spouse can't use the same office though. There's just a limited amount of things they can do for you. They can only handle the divorce if you and your spouse have agreed on the terms ahead of time. I talked to a JAG lawyer just to get the kind of information that you are asking about. They were really helpful in answering all my questions. You can call your legal office and make an appointment as long as the spouse hasn't already spoken to them about it.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2010
atfault
♀ New Member
Member # 28860
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to talk out of place here, but I do want to give some advice if possible. I am currently serving in the Army. The Army has wonderful counselling services. You have to take advantage. The Army One Source, does NOT go on your Soldier's record. The command does NOT find out. Depending on the post you are stationed at there is more than just the Army One Source. There is the Chaplain, the Family Advocacy Program, the Military and Family Life Consultants. There are a ton of resources. Tricare will even set you up if you need additional assistance. MC and IC is absolutely available and the leadership is trying to educate the Soldiers and families on these services.

Deployments are no excuse for A and poor choices being made. But the circumstances are there. If there are no clear boundries made for familes and spouses and relationships, it is much more difficult to make the 'good' choice, the choice you know you should. Again, it does not excuse behavior.

If you are concerned about your spouse. Talk about it. You need to work on bridging the distance gap. If your Soldier still feels emotionally connected and invested, it helps. It is not the 'solution' but there are little things that families can do. Read the same book and e-mail and talk about it. Ask 20 questions. Even deployed, get to know your spouse more? For instance, If you were any animal what would you be and why? Who would you like to meet before you die? What is on your bucket list? Get the kids involved. Share information and most importantly keep up communication. Even on the mundane things sometimes.
Keep up communication.

Now, the hard part. An A. They happen. Sometimes it feels like they happen more in the military. UCMJ is very clear: An A has to be proved. Admin paperwork and counselling can occur and can sometimes stop or prevent an A. If you EVER has concerns or issues, bring it up. Talk with the first line supervisor first and if that does not work, go to the commander. It is the commanders responsiblity to assist your Soldier in making smart and responsible decisions and if your Soldier cannot, then leadership will assist in the matter. Don't forget though, Soldiers are grown ups. They need to put on their grown up pants and take grown up responsibility. If you have REAL issue or concern, leadership is there to help you. If you need someone to talk to there are plenty of people to help. But beware, there is a balance. Many times the leadership gets taken advantage of as free counselling. If you have issues see the PROFESSIONALS! IC and MC! That is what it is there for. Leadership needs to support you on that. If your Soldier tells you that his leadership "won't allow him to go to counselling" this is not true or at least you need to talk to the leadership to get appropriate support for your situation.

That is a lot, so I hope I have shed some light. Best of luck


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2010
ba1987
♀ Member
Member # 28761
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

atfault,

thanks so much for the info. I know from the re-integrations briefings that counseling IS available, and that his command says that they are very supportive of soldiers and families seeking counseling. So, I'm pretty sure that my spouse is handing me a line of bull.

I haven't called anyone re: counseling because I'm waiting for my spouse to come clean and prove to me that he's really into this. I'm not wasting my time in counseling WITH him, if he's going to sit there and continue to be dishonest. I'll be seeking counseling for myself so I can work out some of my feelings...


D-day: May 6, 2010
TT ever since

Looking for peace among the madness


Posts: 436 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Texas
pain from truth
♀ Member
Member # 28821
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

military one source counseling has been great. The only catch was, they only wanted to offer counseling for one issue at a time. In our case WH started IC upon returning from Iraq (this is when I caught him w/ email EA)...I guess he stated marriage issues/stress. After those sessions (12) we started MC and after several sessions, it wasn't working for me (because I finally knew I needed my own IC)...so tried to get IC thru one source and it wasn't possible unless we stopped MC....so as a dependent you can go thru Tricare to get IC on the economy...I forget the number of sessions you get (maybe it was 5) then I had to go into base dr. and have them put in a tricare request (make sure it states something you need personally) Tricare will not pay for marriage counseling...anyway, I have been in IC afew months now and they approved until November (i know this went off topic)
what I was getting at....WH had no problems getting IC from one source (has nothing to do w/ his career as stated by other posters)
WH did his first 12 sessions and after the MC wasn't working my IC told him he need to get back into IC again (self esteem/lying/FOO issues)...so hubby is back in IC for another 12 sessions...they active duty do have to "get permission" via base dr. for tricare to pay....
there is no shame is marriage issues, self esteem issues, etc...yes, shame for being cheaters but, going to counseling goes deeper than just that issue (its not like WS have to say to boss "hey i'm a cheater, i need counseling"
we all know what goes on in the military (i was in for 9yrs) just like it goes on with folks not in the military....yes, huge no no per UCMJ but, its the whole burden of proof... kinda like don't ask don't tell (know what I mean?)....military has a nasty saying "what goes TDY stays TDY"
I have always known this litle statement, just thought I had a honest H....

and I as a side note...I know there are many many faithful servicemen/women and also many WS at home when they deploy...the whole thing is just so wrong

[This message edited by pain from truth at 8:30 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 38
WH (truthandpain) 43
M 15yrs / 2 kids 8 & 5yrs
D-day sexting type EA 7/28/09
D-day 08/19/09 admitted to 2 PA 13yrs & 9yrs ago
TTing 10mos on details...
6/22/10-finally said I want to R

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jun 2010
sunkissed
♀ Member
Member # 15770
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, June 24th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to jump into this thread in the middle of everyone elses conversation. I just have an issue I'm trying to deal with and seeing as we are a military family, I thought it best to ask for advice from people who are in the 'know'.

Here's my topic I started earlier today, just to give you all a little head start:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361374

Basically what I was hoping to hear from everyone here is if you think this is something I can bring up to my FWS who is currently deployed? Do I have a right to talk to him about this when he OBVIOUSLY has more important things to worry about (like his life)? Am I being selfish to even bring this up?

This is obviously our first deployment like this. We are just a little pass our halfway mark (he's been gone since he beginning of the year).

Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciative.

Thank you!


Sunkissed

Me: BS, 34
FWS: 34

D-day #1 (I thought it was just an EA): July 8th, 2007

D-day #2 (found out was actual PA): July 17th, 2007

D-day #3 - Our anniversary. July 21, 2007.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: NC
ba1987
♀ Member
Member # 28761
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sunkissed,

I just read your story, and I'm sorry that you find yourself back here.

I agree, it's definitely fallout from his earlier choices. I think you absolutely have a right to talk to him about how you're feeling. If he is truly re-committed to you, he will respect that.

I also feel like you have a RESPONSIBILITY to talk to him about it. Even while deployed.

I don't want to say that it isn't "fair" for you not to tell him, because there is obviously nothing "fair" about the whole situation. But it's important for your relationship to tell him, because if he doesn't know this is hurting you, he won't know he needs to stop.

I found out the hard way, that I too have a responsibility to be totally honest with my spouse. I wasn't while he was deployed ( I didn't express my concern about his online "adventures"), and it has definitely snowballed into resentment and distance between us.

While I don't think I could have stopped him, I DO feel like I should have been open with my concerns, if for no other reason than my own sanity.

Again, I'm sorry that your have had to come back here under these circumstances...


D-day: May 6, 2010
TT ever since

Looking for peace among the madness


Posts: 436 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Texas
atfault
♀ New Member
Member # 28860
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Talk about it. Bring it up. Discuss it. It is when topics and feelings and issues get put on the back burner as "not as important as {fill in the blank-deployment} that issues will not be resolved. It is difficult to resolve issues with a deployment, BUT it is not impossible. My husband and I both put everything on the back burner if it had to do with our feelings. Now we are both dealing with the issues years later and the resentment and hurt has built up over that time and it makes it more difficult to handle and un-muddle. Again, communication is SO important when you are deployed. Trying any way to bridge that gap is huge. Read in your husband to your desire though. Don't just think or expect that he 'gets' what you are 'trying' to say. Be straight forward and ask for your need to be fulfilled.

You: Husband, I want to make sure that we talk more while you are deployed. It is important to me. Would you be willing to do that? How can we do that? Can you video chat? Skype? call me 3x a week. I know that your job is long and demanding, and I want you to know that I want to make the time for you and hope that you will make the time for me.

Best of luck!


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2010
ba1987
♀ Member
Member # 28761
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, June 25th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I should have added this to my other post, but I did want to let you know, that I always find it easier to express myself in written words. Whether it's a text, an email, a letter. I feel like I can get my piece said, with no interruptions. He doesn't tend to get as defensive, and then I don't start yelling to be "heard".


D-day: May 6, 2010
TT ever since

Looking for peace among the madness


Posts: 436 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Texas
lisaloo
♀ Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, July 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is sad that they don't take a tougher stance.

But I guess it's like any other employer, you wouldn't get fired from Wal-Mart for having an affair.

I guess why I feel like they should put more effort into stopping it is that the MILITARY is taking them away from home for a long period of time. They should have more support in place for soldiers and families. Before, during AND after the deployment...

At the moment, I am very angry and full of resentment towards the military. In fact, I would just like to extend my middle finger at whomever decided that they should back his deployment up to a year of training (over half of which was away from home) and then immediately promote him, while deployed, to a position supervising five females in an office-and only five females in an office. Really? This sounded like a good idea? So much for their stance on promoting and supporting marriage because its good for the army to have happy soldiers and happy spouses who encourage reenlistment.


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
ba1987
♀ Member
Member # 28761
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lisaloo, sorry you're dealing with that. It's tough, I know. If you ever need to chat, pm me anytime!


D-day: May 6, 2010
TT ever since

Looking for peace among the madness


Posts: 436 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Texas
tryingtofindaway
♂ New Member
Member # 29078
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, July 26th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't see a stop sign and if I offend anyone I am regretebly sorry for doing so.

I am a WS and currently deployed right now. This is my sixth deployment and right about now I am sick of my whole career. I have hidden behind this uniform in the past & I would really like to not use it as a means to an end anymore. I have lied to my wife repeadetly over the years and have come to the realization it's got to end. I've been that guy who was distant emotionally, didn't want to talk about things, chased gratification and the list goes on and on. I am a walking example of a serial cheater and for that I am quite ashamed.

It's hard to wake up in the morning and lead individuals who are making sacrifices for all of the right reasons and who are deserving of the sincere support many of you felt before betrayal. The job must go on so to speak, but it doesn't feel very good at the end of the day.

I have read through this forum and the pain I see drives home several feelings inside me and I am thankful that you've shared your thoughts and feelings along the way. Alot of what I've read here has given me the courage to step forward and finally be accountable for my actions. Something that should've been ingrained in me from my millitary experience. Being in the millitary doesn't give me the right to be a bad person. All I'm trying to say is that I am thankful to everyone here for being open and sharing honestly their feelings to help those of us on the other side. I for one am thankful that it's helped me to realize just a little bit of what my BS has had to endure and what it will take for me to carry out things that show I am remorseful and not full of empty promises or selfish needs.

Since there is only this one area where millitary/deployed are addressed if this is deemed out of line can a moderator start one for WS who are trying to work through things and need the support of this community? I don't want to step on any toes, but it sure would be nice to talk with someone that can relate to either or both sides.


Posts: 50 | Registered: Jul 2010
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