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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
DDay11202009
♂ New Member
Member # 26729
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If that's the case, i am afraid for the men under his command. His poor judgment and low moral values could cost them their lives. The military doesn't know what they risk.

(i am referring to the OM in this statement because he was aware that my wife was still married)

[This message edited by DDay11202009 at 10:49 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)]


BH: me (38)
WW: married 4 years (36)
OM: active miltary officer (23)

rollercoasters make me vomit. still too early to tell.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2009
pappabear
♂ Member
Member # 26301
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, December 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anybody here stationed here at Travis AFB?


BH-35
WW-35
D-Day 15 August 2009
2 kids 7 and 17

Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Travis AFB CA
ali30471
♀ Member
Member # 25582
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, December 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well he has been gone for 26 days. I miss him but I don't. I put a key logger on his computer and it worked for the first week he had internet. Then it stopped. During that time he visited porn sites, which I kind of don't like...issues from my XH. He also went on craigslist and searched a couple personal ads. He read the profiles, but I don't know if he responded to any. DAMN WEBWATCHER!

So I guess I'm in denial that he is remorseful and his "promise to never do it again" and the "new me" was a lie. We haven't had much communication because he is working long hours getting set up. I guess I have to believe that. He doesn't read his email every day, guess he's too tired. I told him I want to talk about stuff, but the timing has been off. He IM's when I'm out doing errands so all I can do is text while driving. I hate that!

I don't know when to bring up the subject of craigs list. I don't want him to know how I found out. I want more evidence. So I am sitting on pins and needles...again. I HATE DEPLOYMENTS!


Me 48
Wh 43
6 kids, 3 mine, 3 his, 3 living at home.
D-day July 11,2009

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2009
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, December 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deployments are stressful enough, without having to worry about what your spouse is doing.

As far as computer access, I do know when I was deployed, the connectivity was so-so at best. The communication "block" many websites--if you can not justify a website for work issues, they will block it. I do know you can get onto yahoo mail, but sites that have anything to do with porn are blocked.


Divorced

Posts: 1101 | Registered: Sep 2009
ali30471
♀ Member
Member # 25582
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, December 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stressful to say the least hurting2much! He has internet in his room and nothing is blocked. It's his personal computer. He thought last time stuff would get blocked, but it doesn't. And connectivity is a problem, plus his computer is a bit old and not very fast, so he gets booted ALOT and it locks up on him.

I finally got more info from the logger program and he has been good. Once his schedule evens out he will have more free time.


Me 48
Wh 43
6 kids, 3 mine, 3 his, 3 living at home.
D-day July 11,2009

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2009
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ali: where is he deployed to?

At one of my deployment sites, we had internet in our room, but the sites we could go to was very limited.

Have you talked to him about what he is going to do with his free time? WH is doing a year in Korea, and we discussed things he could do with all of his "free time".


Divorced

Posts: 1101 | Registered: Sep 2009
elfkin2001
♀ New Member
Member # 26532
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, December 18th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in this bunch. 8.5 years of marriage. 9 years being an Army spouse. 7 years of off and on infidelity... most of them female soldiers. It's hard and I don't know if there will be an end too it. He's getting ready to come back from Korea. After this last discovery (three total ddays all with multiple affairs) I told him that would be it. If we can't make it work this time we never will.


I'm 26
Unfaithful husband 29.
Married 8.5 years
Army family for 9
12 OW before the last Dday, 2 since separation.
Working very hard on reconciliation.

God will tell me when it's enough.


Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2009
renee09
♀ New Member
Member # 26784
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, December 18th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@elfkin2001

I hear you! Unfortunately as of 12/15/09 I am in this bunch too. WH had ONS at our last duty station.

6 year of marriage and military spouse. 8 years together and multiple deployments too.


D-day 12/15/09
Trying to R.....We'll see what happens

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2009
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, December 18th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

elkin: where in Korea?

Are you in counseling? Bases offer pretty good services. There is also MLC (the mental health clinic should have their phone number)--these are educated & trained professionals, who are counselors, but what is different is that they do not keep any records, are civilians and will meet to talk to you anywhere (not at your house, though), anytime--weekends, evenings.

Through Military One Source, you can go to the marriage counselor up to 12 times for free.


Divorced

Posts: 1101 | Registered: Sep 2009
ali30471
♀ Member
Member # 25582
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, December 18th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H2M...he's in iraq. we haven't had much time to talk about anything but the basics, how the kids are doing etc. we used to spend hours on line, but they are still getting organized there. we need to have a good long talk about what he is going to do and is doing with his time. as well as what he is spending his money on!

I feel like i'm going to be a nag about stuff, but he's just going to have to deal with the 20 questions.

I definately reccomend IC. I was doing that, then he came too, but after i discovered the EA he decided he did not need to be "beat up" by the therapist too...so he quit going. Asshole.


Me 48
Wh 43
6 kids, 3 mine, 3 his, 3 living at home.
D-day July 11,2009

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2009
elfkin2001
♀ New Member
Member # 26532
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, December 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting2Much:

He is currently at Hump... but slated to be back within the week. The second DDay back in 2006 he called the chaplains line at 1am to set up MC for us. We went for about 6 months; but he made it absolutely miserable dragging his feet and making sure I knew how worthless he thought it was.

I walked away with an understanding of how deeply co-dependent I was and it started me on the path to controlling and dealing with my anger. It taught us some fair fighting techniques but our marriage didn't improve. We stopped going after I was involved in a major accident and layed up for almost a month.

The third DDay (this last June... two days before our 8th wedding anniversary) I had pretty much had it. I flew out to Korea and spent about 6 weeks with him. Over the last few months I have become INCREDIBLY depressed so I have sought IC with a therapist that specializes in marriage counseling and infidelity. I didn't push my husband into anything just told him I was going.

I got a phone call about a month ago telling me that he wants to come home and work on the marriage. This includes IC, and MC. I told him I wasn't going to battle him on it but he seems pretty committed to the idea that we both need help. It's a step in the right direction... we'll have to see how it goes.


I'm 26
Unfaithful husband 29.
Married 8.5 years
Army family for 9
12 OW before the last Dday, 2 since separation.
Working very hard on reconciliation.

God will tell me when it's enough.


Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2009
hardtimes09
♀ New Member
Member # 26884
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, December 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, i am a newly wed and am a BW.. Shocking!! I think so but as i read more and more it seems pretty common here now. My situation sits a little different than most and i havent found anybody with this same issue. So i sit back asking myself am i really over reacting or did i stop potiential affairs from happing since my H calls me controling. My story is rather more to the point i will give detail if need be if this carries out. Married in April. Pregnant begining of June. Found husband on several dating sites and texting and calling 3 females at end of june. Lost our baby in August a week before H deployed over seas.. What brings me here to post is the fact that he seems to just want to forget about it and im sorry i just cant forget...H states i dont know how to work through it and you have to show me. So i told him u never wanted to do any of it when i tried to send u things u called them gay and told me not to send them everytime ive tried to take the initiative to help and suggest things to u uve shot them back in my face u say u need to be showed but im tired of showing ive tried and its done nothing u would delete them or do them then say are u happy or im only doing this cuz u want me to u have no passion to fix any of this that u wrected so im tired of it swallowing me up and making me feel miserable at least once a day!!!!!.Why should i have to show him and how if i should!!

Posts: 48 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: home on laptop
brokentwice
♀ New Member
Member # 26967
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, December 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so im new! hi! i found out about his actions shortly after he came home a few months ago. he didnt touch anyone, but he was basically having an online affair. he would talk to ex girlfriends, ex fiances and ex wife. sexy chat with them. but they all knew he was with me. we are engaged. i read some emails that just sounded like he wanted to be physical online. one said he missed their "physical" interactions and wanted to meet up when he got home.
when i confronted about this 2nd time.. well the first time was in training, 2nd happened while deployed. the first one he wasnt remorsefull. the 2nd one he was very remorsefull and i got a totally different reaction from him. so i stayed and told him if it happens again im leaving.

he will deploy again some time and im very nervous about it happening again. i also forgave him and couldnt stay mad at him for long. i may be setting myself up for that one.

im still recovering. tho i try not to show it. i get insecure and sometimes i have mild anxiety attacks.

i had him write an apology letter to me. he sounded very remorsefull. the girl whom i contacted, which is his ex gf.. said he has a way with words to win a girl back. im really hoping i didnt fall for it and that he really does love me

we never really fight. he treats me like a queen. when hes home hes always with me wants me to do everything with him go everywhere with him. it seems like anytime anything happend is when hes been away from me for long periods.. this was our first deployment. we were also newly engaged just before he deployed. he didnt think he would make it home. also thought id leave or cheat like a lot of the other girls. a lot of the "taken" guys wiht his unit did talk to other girls.

so to me, it sounded like he was using this talking to his ex's as live porn. and would say anything to them to get it. i know he loves me. which is why i stayed and try to work on it.

but the anxiety.. i need help getting rid of it.

ps.. i know this is out of order, but i check history on pc and every now and then will see adult chat and dating sites. i tried to download a keylogger but didnt succeed. it also showed up when i did a spyware scan. know any good hidden ones? just to make sure and help put me at ease. maybe these sites popped up after visiting another site as a pop up. nothing showed in the search box. i dunno.

anyways thanks for reading my novel and advice welcome.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2009
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, December 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome brokentrust!!

For him to say, I had an affair because I thought you would, IMO, is laying the blame on you. He acted on what he "thought" would happen. My WH had one of his affairs because he "thought" I didn't love him anymore--which was totally incorrect (I was deployed to Afghanistan at the time of his affair).

Does he want to reconcil and stay together? Do you? If yes, then it may help you to sit with him and discuss how you both define "cheating"....porn, sex, spending all free time with one person all the time, etc. That way there is no misunderstanding. And explain to him how it makes you feel when you find out about his indiscretions.

WH and I discussed at length what he was going to do while in Korea, to occupy his time, so he wouldn't get "bored", drink, womanize, etc. This helped ease some of my anxiety (some but not all my anxiety)

Keep posting!


Divorced

Posts: 1101 | Registered: Sep 2009
chelsE08
♀ Member
Member # 26831
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, January 2nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of you, Im guessing are related to the military...I want to tell the OW's husband about the affair, but both him and my husband are both military members...my husband could get kicked out, lose stripes ect and we are in R...the military is our lively-hood...its how we support our two young babies. what do you think i should do

Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2009
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I are both military. His AP is military, ONS was not.

Once the "ball" gets rolling, it is out of your hands. Audultery is against the UCMJ, however from what I have seen/read, it takes alot to punish them. Was the person in your WS's chain of command? Did WH supervise her? That is a big point.

When was your DDay? If it was recent, and you are both really trying to R, I would wait a little while. However, the OW's H has a right to know (just like you would want to know), so this is a tough one.

In the beginning, I wanted to take all my evidence and go straight to legal. I did not. Then after NC was broken, I REALLY wanted to go, but stopped myself.



Divorced

Posts: 1101 | Registered: Sep 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 6:27 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't actually belong to this thread ...

Hi everyone !!!

just bumping for a newbie ...

hope you find this alex


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18725 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
alexanderl42
♀ Member
Member # 18947
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks and been here before, start attending the Army Counseling on local post working with a IC. He wanted me to work a schedule for myself, thought Yoga and working at the Army Tax Center as a volunteer might be good to fill my days and start building my own self esteem. Thus limiting phone calls from FWS. And work with more IC counseling when FWS returns from Afghanistan.

This is a problem starts for FWS in that I am seeing a IC, he feels threatening, told me today that I am trying to control his life and that he will do what he wants. I might regret the choices that I am making where we are concerned.

History, he started contracting when he retired back in March 2004. I do not email him anymore, I do not call and only asked that he came home for Christmas. He did not, his thought processes as just not the same anymore, I am very worried about him, could he have PTSD????

I do want to continue on the path I have started because I feel better , why is he so threatened?????


Posts: 529 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Tennessee
hurting4years
♂ New Member
Member # 27224
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been away from my wife while I was doing military work on the other side of the country.

My wife has had one sexual affair and 2 long distance over text and internet affairs.

I am totally lost


All you need is love- John Lennon

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Alberta Canada
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, January 16th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alex--could he feel threatened because he sees you doing things for yourself, discovering your self worth, and maybe you will come to the realization that you are a very deserving person, a person who deserves to be treated with respect and compassion? And that might make him nervous.


Divorced

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