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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
neverknewpain
♀ Member
Member # 25842
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry cantbreathe. My husband did get orders moved very far away and still couldn't end the A. Like being in the military isn't hard enough you then have to deal with a WW and I'm so sorry. If you need an ear mine is always open, I know the pain this causes very well. I hope things get better for you


BW (me) 29
WS (him) 38
D Day June 5, 2009
..."I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually

Posts: 214 | Registered: Oct 2009
Hurting100
♀ New Member
Member # 26027
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am kind of shocked at all the responses to this thread. Actually I am kind of shocked at the amount of people dealing A's (only my 2nd day on). My H also had his A while in Iraq, but as a contractor no military directly. She was also a contractor. What is so hard is that I never thought he was 'that' guy. Goes to show you how stupid I am. All the circumstances lined up juuuussst right and well, I guess he is that guy. The A ended when he left Iraq, in fact that is why he left (couldn't deal with it anymore, guess he came out of the fog) although communication continued to some extent for 9 more months. It made me question everything during that period. When you talked, what holidays took place, etc. etc. Did he screw her on our anniversary after he wrote me a romantic love letter. It's very hard. I am really sorry for all who are going through this cause it is the worst pain, thus far, that I have experienced in my life. I really feel for the BS's that have WS being redeployed - That has just got to be the hardest thing ever.


BS: 45 me
FWS: 47
Married 25 years
DDay: October 7, 09

Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
JustShootMePlz
♂ New Member
Member # 26039
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the military and facing possible divorce. We were to PCS(Move to another base) next summer, now if we divorce she stays and I leave for the new base/assignment without my family. This is one of many issues military members face that most civilians don't. I get 30 days leave a year to see my kids and no longer 365 days!!!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2009
gardengirl
♀ Member
Member # 26021
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I the only person here who feels right back to Square One after finding out some insignificant new detail? I just found out that WH had a secret email account set up (makes sense if you're being deceptive) and althought he deleted it, along with everything else related to the OW (and has given me all the passwords to every account he has), it's like I'm obsessed with knowing the details of their communications. I wish I knew how not to be this way.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 29
A: 4 weeks lead-up to 2 times of PA followed by 5 weeks of dumbassness where she magically morphed into my replacement
DDay #1 Aug 3, 2009 (TT through Oct)
DDay #2 Sept 16, 2009
DDay #3 Oct 1, 2009
S'ing

Posts: 322 | Registered: Oct 2009
neverknewpain
♀ Member
Member # 25842
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gardengirl my H also had an email I knew nothing about. He deleted it and everything in it before I could see much of what was there. This has been very hard for me to deal with. I felt like reading the emails when give me some insight into what my H was doing and feeling for the past year and a half. He did not feel that way. So I too feel back to square one and I have a feeling I'm going to be here awhile.


BW (me) 29
WS (him) 38
D Day June 5, 2009
..."I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually

Posts: 214 | Registered: Oct 2009
gardengirl
♀ Member
Member # 26021
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neverknew, I am "lucky" in that his A barely got off the ground - 2 mths, although he left me for her (but never really would go) after only having known her for a month and a half, total (he met her TDY). I have a much smaller window to fill in then your year and a half. I'm so sorry. I feel like I have these unanswered questions and no one to ever give it to me straight. You have a much longer period of time to fill in and I can only imagine thats even worse.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 29
A: 4 weeks lead-up to 2 times of PA followed by 5 weeks of dumbassness where she magically morphed into my replacement
DDay #1 Aug 3, 2009 (TT through Oct)
DDay #2 Sept 16, 2009
DDay #3 Oct 1, 2009
S'ing

Posts: 322 | Registered: Oct 2009
ggrahamrob
♀ Member
Member # 25555
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am curious if anyone else has experienced this...

My WH admitted to his second affair in August of this year and is scheduled to deploy in December. He is so detatched, and sometimes I wonder if he wants to R. He found his own IC and has been attending religiously for the last six weeks. I am having a difficult time deciding if the detachment is his "impending doom" related to the deployment or if it is related to his shame and guilt about the affair. He is much more depressed this D-Day and deployment then the first time. The first A, he was also set to deploy a month later. This time is much different. Thoughts anyone? What is the best way to approach him at this point?


Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Independence, Kansas
gardengirl
♀ Member
Member # 26021
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neverknew, I am going out on a limb and asking her (innocent bystander, wanted no part of a married man, even a "separated" one as he said he was) for copies of their communication if she still has it and is willing. I just have to know.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 29
A: 4 weeks lead-up to 2 times of PA followed by 5 weeks of dumbassness where she magically morphed into my replacement
DDay #1 Aug 3, 2009 (TT through Oct)
DDay #2 Sept 16, 2009
DDay #3 Oct 1, 2009
S'ing

Posts: 322 | Registered: Oct 2009
neverknewpain
♀ Member
Member # 25842
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could see emails and stuff but they have all been deleted. Better I don't see them though. Good luck and if you need someone to talk to PM me.


BW (me) 29
WS (him) 38
D Day June 5, 2009
..."I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually

Posts: 214 | Registered: Oct 2009
greengirl58
♀ New Member
Member # 26177
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, November 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is acceptable to talk about during deployments? Obviously the communication is lacking due to time differences, work load and reception. And then you are always told to be "sensitive" to THEM because they are at war and it could affect them negatively.

But what about me? I am not sure that I can go on like this for the next 6-7 months. But I cannot D him while he is overseas. And I am pretty sure that I have to wait until after I give birth as well. And we cannot R living on opposite sides of the world... especially when we can't talk!

Ugh.


"God grant me serenity and courage and wisdom..."

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: NC
EAsHurtTOO
♀ Member
Member # 23482
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, November 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

greengirl,

We talked about the affair everytime we talked (to some degree)

part of me needed to talk about it...i guess to keep both of us from going into a fog or lolly land that everything was ok..

I also needed to remind him he may not see the pain every day but it is there

we tried the ignoring the white elephant in the room at first i would end our conversations miserable and crying...i later found out he didn't like them either

we would talk about it...then move on

good luck

my husband got back from deployment october and just got sent up again for another 60 days


"I never thought I'd be one of those military marriages"

Posts: 117 | Registered: Apr 2009
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, November 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all of you, military members and families, thank you for your service and for sticking with the communication even when it is so hard.

My husband was in the Army for 10 years. We were faithful to each other throughout the 22 months he spent in combat. It's when he came back that he had his A, which, by the way, is very common. It's another manner of numbing the combat stress injuries that many of our military member have endured.
In my husband's case, he become addicted to the adrenaline rush that went along with the danger or the kill, and one way to recreate this is through having a secret affair.
The sex was gross and hate filled and the whole thing was stupid, but it happened and it happened because of his issues from serving in combat.

For those with WS in the military currently, but have been deployed, please consider this as an option. Please learn about PTSD and what it can do and the behavior it can cause if it goes untreated. I realize this is one small piece of the pain puzzle, but I am willing to be of help if there is anything I can do for any of you.

Good luck and please keep communicating. I hate the elevated divorce rate the military maintains. We can make these marriages work!


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, November 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my WH is home for his 2 weeks mid-tour. We talked for about 1 hour--he said he was disappointed that things aren't "nice" between us. I want him to read stuff from SI because he seems to think we should be past all of this now (he broke NC in Aug). I keep telling him it may take years...he didn't want to hear that. He did agree to go back to MC, tonight.


Divorced

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Sep 2009
perrycogirl
♀ Member
Member # 20227
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need advise please: See my post in GENERAL forum.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327541


Married 22 years
Me: BS 40's
Him: WH 40's
DS: 15
DDay#1 4/2002 (4 mo PA)
DDay#2 11/2006 (admitted to 1.5 yr PA) - almost 2 years later admitted it actually started 10 years earlier. They split for while and reconnected years later.

Posts: 341 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: small town in central PA
frozensprouts
New Member
Member # 25196
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, November 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husbands affair didn't happen while he was deployed ( he is deployed to Afghanistan now) ... but it happened over the summer with a woman he supervised. So besides the affair aspect ( which is bad enough) there's also the fear of her going to the chain of command and saying she was "harassed"( not sure what would happen if she did that- I have records of everything, including the initial email from her asking him to meet her after work). The emotional affair lasted about three months, the physical one, maybe three weeks ( with a whole lot of other crud thrown in) over this past summer. The positive side is that we are back together and seeing a counselor and addressing some issues in our marriage that needed to be addressed ( having three kids, two with autism, his past issues with his parents, his feeling that I was too controlling, etc.) > Counseling has been great, but he deployed in mid October for six to nine months. He emails almost every day, and calls maybe once a week ( it's awfully hard to hear him, as there is a lot of static and a two second delay, but I'm still glad he calls.).

from what he has told me, when they were together, this woman had wanted him to open a joint bank account with her and have his pay switched to be deposited in there. He didn't do that, and now that he is gone she has since moved on to the next higher ranking guy. I'm not a religious person, but I have gotten a lot of good advice from the unit chaplains... they have seen and heard pretty much everything!


Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2009
frozensprouts
New Member
Member # 25196
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, November 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re: my previous post in this topic

My husband is in the CF ( Canadian Forces) army. one thing that I have heard is that things like this are not uncommon before a deployment.... deployment can make a man/woman "face their own mortality" and sometimes can make them act really out of character. ( not that this excuses anything, but maybe it explains it, to a certain extent.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2009
nooneeverthought
♀ Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

was gonna bump for a newbie but she found it

[This message edited by nooneeverthought at 1:45 PM, November 29th (Sunday)]


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
EAsHurtTOO
♀ Member
Member # 23482
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm bumping this for all the newbies...I'm pretty sure some of them are part of our "elite" military spouse group


"I never thought I'd be one of those military marriages"

Posts: 117 | Registered: Apr 2009
DDay11202009
♂ New Member
Member # 26729
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, December 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OM is a sargeant, who is single, that met my wife while he was on leave. She told him she was getting a divorce, most people know that this means 'still married'. I've thought about reporting him to his commanding officer even though we both are civilians. Some people have told me that the military would try to sweep it under the rug and nothing would happen to him, not even a reprimand. Is this true?


BH: me (38)
WW: married 4 years (36)
OM: active miltary officer (23)

rollercoasters make me vomit. still too early to tell.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2009
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH was in the Army for 10 years and was also enlisted like your W's OM.
FWH and his Army buddies always told us (the wives) that they would be in huge trouble if they were unfaithful.
They have ALL been unfaithful, many of them with other enlisted oficer's wives during deployments as was the case with my H (yes, after I was faithful to him for over 5 years of hardship deployments, he came back and slept with someone else's wife while he was in Iraq and I was pregnant).

Not one of them has ever gotten in trouble of any kind. I seriously think they share a beer, high five and conspire what else they can tell us to make us feel safe when they are out doing whatever pleases them in the moment. JMHO


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

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